sleepie

Today I was really wanting to drink. Then I went to a meeting with my sponsor. I ended up wanting to drink even more. I was very angry after that meeting. I spoke with my sponsor and she said I may not be done drinking yet. I think she's right. But I am only 4 days into sobriety, again. She said I am right where I should be in early recovery, which was good to hear. Sometimes I think if I'm the only one who can stop this- what's the use of posting and going to meetings? Anyway, I am "white knuckling" it. I biked around and then came home and I am just sitting with my sadness and anger. But I am not drinking. I just want to scream a big "F. U!" to the world. Sorry I'm not all sunshine and roses. This is part of life too- I know it.

Chops

Sleepie, this may not be a popular answer here on SR but it is my experience and others as well. Early sobriety was like getting skinned alive. It sucked, physical craving, inability to sleep, roller coaster emotions, and the recording in my head saying "what the f am I going to do in this life without booze", again, early sobriety sucked for me.

Went to a meeting early on where a newcomer asks a question. One day it was asked, "when is it going to get better?" dude was like a week sober. The answer was "probably not today but you still can't drink." He then asked "what do I do then?" the answer was "suffer", now again, people may have complex answers for getting by in early sobriety but I had to suffer early on, I don't know any other way. There are some who use chemicals but I will not comment on that. For me, I have used up my right to chemical peace of mind.

I see allot of posts on here like "I am a few days or a few weeks sober and it sucks" well IMHO it is supposed to suck. We have spent years and in many cases decades screwing with the chemical makeup of our brain, it may take a bit to feel okay again without booze or drugs.

This is all normal and it may be like this for a while, sadness, anger etc.

So yeah your right where you should be and keep posting! I enjoy hearing where people are at, it helps me.

So sleepie, not my opinion on what you should do but I will give you my experience. I suffered badly early on but it got better with time. Didn't drink and went to AA and felt horrific like you cannot believe but with time it got better.

Best wishes sleepie, keep coming!

Dee74

There's just not an easy way I don't think sleepie.

We get hooked on drinking because, at least at the start, it really is an easy fix for everything.

Then it stops being a fix, and it brings so many other problems with it, that we have to stop it and face life head on. And that's hard, cos frankly sometimes life sucks.

And it takes time to get it all together cos living sober needs a whole new set of skills and noone is expert at that right off the bat.

I look at all the trouble and sadness and struggle here on this site and I kinda wish it was easier and more instant for us all, but I know deep down that nothing really good and true and lasting is easy and instant IMO.

Hang in there - it really does get easier...and remember - you're never alone sleepie
D

sleepie

I know it sucks and it isn't easy. I just wanted to put that out there- I need to express myself during this. Maybe someone can relate- or like Chops said, maybe it helps them to read it. Anyway, like I said, I did not drink- I am "sitting with it" as I was taught when I was frequenting a zen Buddhist temple. It is abating. For now.

pongo

I agree with your sponsor, I think you are doing it just right. You are exactly where you should be in early recovery. To me, the suffering was some kind of maddening gadfly that would never give up!! My half-rotted brain would get into the circular logic of my situation -

I feel terrible. The cause of my feeling terrible is also the cure. If I take the cure I will only prolong the agony and increase the suffering.

There is something sacred about living with your suffering and getting through it. You emerge on the other side a different person. When you suffer you are at one with all of humanity. All humans suffer, regardless of economic, social, political status, time, place, gender, age.

Act according to what you THINK not how you FEEL.

super71

Sleepie,

Thank you for this thread. It does suck! It is so hard to just sit with it sometimes, and it seems like a big uphill climb to me much of the time. It's good to hear the responses from others who have been here.. we will suffer now, but it will get better. Try to cling to the little good moments in each day and realize that there will be more to come - the magic's not going to happen though if we keep on drinking. That's what I keep telling myself at least - keep hanging in there. I am really proud of you and you have really given ME strength with your words of encouragement. You can do this - maybe you really are done drinking - it's up to you. Hang in here.

SlvrMag

I don't like when people say that.

I hope your days get better real soon (((sleepie)))

super71

SM,

I don't like it either.. seems almost like telling me to go drink - in my so newly alcohol free mind. But I know where that will lead me...

sleepie

Well, all said and done I guess I can mark off another day on the calendar. She was right though- sometimes I don't feel done, and sometimes people aren't. But, I know I need to be done, so that's what I'm making myself do. And I was really glad she let me blow off some steam about the meeting- some of those people were making me really angry. It's so healing when someone understands- and she does because she's been there.

Zoobear

Hang in there, it will get better. We never know when our miracle will happen, dont quit on what might be a hour before yours!

Dee74

I hoped I was done sleepie - I wanted to be - but I didn't know it...not for sure...I think that day was a few months down the track.

The important thing is that you want to be done and you keep doing all the right things to make that happen

D

Snarf

I'm not down with this "you might not be done" stuff. What, are you supposed to go out and make things worse for yourself before being "done"? That makes absolutely no sense to me at all. It's not like your body has to consume X amount of alcohol or you have to suffer through X number of problems before putting away the booze. I mean, I guess "you might not be done," but you CAN be.

MelindaFlowers

I am glad you posted this Sleepie. Any outlet we can find to peacefully unleash our fury is good. I too have wanted to scream out long strings of words that would make a sailor blush. And sometimes I do! I recommend doing it in the car so the neighbors don't start to worry. At about two weeks, my shriek-at-the-top-of-my-lungs moments are getting fewer and further between.

I also think it's good to post if there's nowhere else to turn because it helps others to read something they can relate to. You've helped me tonight with this post.

DayTrader

Not to derail the thread..... but that "then go back out and drink" type of comment worked on me in early sobriety. I wanted to recover but I didn't want to listen to AA's way or anyone else's way. I wanted to do it MY way - and I didn't even know what that was. Basically, I was just resisting everything.
I felt like the AA folks were on a recruitment drive and they were trying to suck me in. Once I heard several ppl say (to me and to some others) that maybe they haven't finished the job (out drinking) it occurred to me that they were just trying to help but one can only help the willing (when it comes to quitting drinking). Now, I was hurting for sure, but I knew that if I went out drinking it'd get me to a whoooole new level of pain.....and if I got there I'd be a whole lot more open to listening to the "AA way." I realized I didn't WANT any more pain from drinking and that I didn't need to get myself any more pliable - I could call it quits right now.

stugotz

Drinking is the smallest part of the problem. Just focusing on the drink and not me wasnt working. "The same man will drink again" Is a very powerful statment. Until I realised that I was the problem not alcohol, could I start to recover. It will get better, thats a promise.

Nevertheless

There were a LOT of times I left a meeting wanting to drink more than I did when I went in. But I also think when I walked out I had more power to FIGHT my "wanting to drink"
I think the bottom line is.
If you can't stay sober after leaving a meeting, you probably can't stay sober through the things life will deal you the next day.
Hang in there. Believe me, I know how tuff this is. after a while it gets a lot easier. Just remember that every day you make it, you are one day closer to freedom.
Fred

RobbyRobot

There is suffering getting from drunk alcoholism to sober living. Absolutely. My first year of recovery was rotten for months my wanting to drink / drug my way out. Toughest changes i've ever made was just stopping drinking and drugging my life away. Tough because of the addictions themselves but even harder were the changes i personally had to make to stay off all that crap period.

I got through it by accepting that i honestly deserved what was coming for me each day in my suffering and in my problems with changing myself. I used my guilts and shames to be able to accept my daily pains and problems. I used my angers and hatreds to face my selfish abusing means and ways with others and myself. Through all of this i used my wanting to get drunk and back to drinking as proof that i was for real a damn no good drunk and i was gonna die that way if i picked up that drink again. I surrenderd to both my alcoholism and to my sobriety each day. It worked for me accepting both sides of the same and different me.

So for me i took all that suffering and was grateful for it day in and day out. It was exactly the medicine i needed to keep me progressing through my sobriety daily. As the months went on things got better. And while the getting worse experiences of drinking stopped for good and all eventually.

Just like i deserved so very much all the feelings and ideas [bad experiences] i had while getting it together back when i first stopped i today enjoy all the good experiences i have knowing i worked friggin' hard to deserve who i am today and how i feel about myself and my life.

I'm grateful today spiritually for the turning around of my alcoholism against itself and my achieving the gifts of sober living. The worse i was the better i got!

Best Wishes Sleepie!

RR

BullDog777

this is one of the most lucid, most well written posts i've ever read here.


Sleepie, this is gonna be a long post, so grab a coffee and sit back and relax...this is gonna take a while.

Before you start reading, let me preface that i care about you alot and if i sound the least bit insensitive it's because i'm a guy and i communicate like a monkey sometimes. The underlying meaning is truely that i want to help you and relate my hope....so here goes...

Sleepie, early sobriety sucks. it's messy. it's supposed to be. i was all over the place and often questioned if it was all worth it.....it is.

i'm not sure how old you are, but i would guess anywhere from your mid to late 20's to early 30's?

imo, that was when i had my hardest time. My mind was tired of this disease, but my body was still willing. After a few days of being on the wagon, i'd start to physically feel better and then something would set me off and i was back to the races.

See, back then... i was terribly unteachable. I had seen alot of death early in my life so they lost the ability to scare me sober. They told me it was a fatal disease and i didn't care.

So they tried the "tough love"...that didn't work for me either. that was because i was terribly "thin-skinned" and took things very personally.
when someone at my local AA group would tell me maybe i wasn't done, i'd go out and show them exactly what "wasn't done " meant.

I also remember getting pulled off of some dude who said "maybe i wasn't done" when i was having a bad day. i almost got arrested for that one.

so, they stopped telling me that after a few benders.I think they saw they needed to use another approach. i don't recommend doing what i did.

I know they meant well- now, but back then i thought it was just mean. i had forgotten about that until i read your post this morning.

So i was on the revolving door policy, and that sucked. nothing could keep me sober.

I was an angry unit. i hated everyone and everything. i was tired of this disease and everything it had taken from me.

I had gone to my first AA meeting at 19 years old and here i was 36 years old and had never managed to get more than about 2 weeks of sobriety.

by my mid 30's i had aged tremendously. my health was starting to go....well that's not entirely true...my health was gone. ...for 17 years i had tried AA, but it didn't work...was i a hopeless case? many thought so, but i didn't. i just didn't know what would work.

I couldn't get sober for my wife.
I didn't get sober for me

I did it for my daughter.

i saw this was getting towards the end for me.
i knew she was gonna grow up without a father.
i knew this would probably ruin her life and it would be my fault.

that's what did it for me. i had seen so much loss in my life it destroyed me. i couldn't give that burden to my daughter. i had to get up one more time.

So, i detoxed for a month. it took a month of almost daily seizures from alcohol detox and benzo withdrawal to get this poison out of my body.

i didn't sleep for 4-5 days at a time.then it would be sleep for maybe 1/2 hour and then another 4-5 days of pure hell..i had terrible myoclonus...a horrible neuro disorder triggered by years of chemical abuse.

it was constant muscle jerking and flailing. it hurt like hell. I had horrible ringing in my ears, migrane headaches, and terrible muscle pain.

i couldn't eat and i had horrible diarreah and vomiting almost daily.

this went on for 30 days. on the 25th day, i was suffering stroke level blood pressure and i was dying. i was having chest pain and decided to drive to the store to get some booze. i couldn't do it anymore.

then i had a spiritual experience. The hand of God as i understand him told me to keep going. i had asked for a sign...anything that would keep me in this fight and i got my prayer answered. I'm not someone who tries to push my beliefs on anyone, but the happening is in my signature.


That got me through the rest of the detox.

December 23rd, i was done detoxing and for the first time since i was 19, i slept like a baby.

To this day, i'm not sure how i got through that month. i should have died but i didn't. the only 2 things i know for sure is that i know there is a God and I could never, ever go through another detox again.

the next drink i pick up will be the first of my last bender because there's no going back agian.

it's not a resolve, it's not a desire, it's just a fact that i can never forget.

I truely hope you listen to your heart and take heed and stay sober. I wouldn't wish what i went through on my worst enemy.

your future husband will one day thank you, and so will your children.

if it's one quality that i lacked in my youth it was that i wasn't teachable.
if i had been, it would have saved me a great deal of pain.

So, Sleepie, even if you're mad, sad, hopeless or whatever, just know that those who have done this longer than you have and have a
QUALITY of sobriety know where you have been and just want you to hang in there so you can feel the beauty of life again....they want you to be teachable.

hang in there, i know you can do this.

-BD

keithj

Like others have said, 4 days sober is just not going to be fun. No way around that truth. But so what? If you have decided that you can not go on living as you have been, and are willing to take certain actions, you are on your way.

It's great that you have a sponsor already. No need to sit with this any longer than necessary. What Step are you on?

One thing that helped me in very early sobriety, was knowing exactly what Step I was on, and knowing exactly what actions I was supposed to be taking for that step every day.

You can ask yourself, 'what is my assigned action for this Step today?' And then take that action. This does not have to be a long process. See if you can have a deep Step 1 experience out of the BB. See if you can feel that hopelessness and desperation. If you can, then grasp on to that flimsy reed and hang on for dear life.

rws177

I have heard that every alcoholic has to hit a bottom first in order to get sober. For me it wasn’t my DWI, quitting school, getting talked to at work for showing up drunk. It was waking up in a hospital bed in the ICU having a nurse explain to me that I drank a bottle of rubbing alcohol and should be dead or at the very least blind from it. I’m not sure what made you want to get sober but whatever it is I’d say think about that moment. My friend lost her teaching job do to her drinking and I know she thinks about that when she wants to drink just as I think about what it felt like being in the hospital for days. I am still early in my sobriety but things are starting to get easier, the first 3-5 months were super hard. For a while there I was seeing an addiction counselor and he would tell me that maybe I am not done drinking yet. This was before the hospital incident, I really really wish I would have stopped before something so drastic happened. I didn’t like his comment at the time either. Early sobriety is really though, hang in there sleepie, you can do this!