Kjell

I'm 6 months in and I still feel a lot of what you're feeling Sleepie, but I do catch glimpses of peace and yeah, I guess they are coming with a bit more frequency.

Once the drink was removed from me, well...there just wasn't much left. Drinking and drugging were my life and maybe I was even good at it, but I depended on the drink and drugs to live, not just to have a good time (sad, but very very true).

It's not only going to take a while, but it's going to be hard, hard work at times.

sleepie

Wait, duh- today is day 6. Good, that means tomorrow I close out a week. And I get to see the counselor. Thanks for reading and responding

super71

A week tomorrow! Woohoo! Go sleepie!

sleepie

Thanks There's an interesting article about relapse in addiction in the latest paper edition of "Psychology Today"- unfortunately it is not yet available online.

Ronan

Well done on the (almost) week sober Sleepie.

I understand what it's like to be "not done" drinking. I was not done drinking for years, I knew I had a problem when I was 18 but I was "too young" for any of this quitting nonsense until I was almost 25. I had a lot of what should have been bottoms - hospitals, jail cells, fist fights etc etc but in the end it came down to what it would actually take for me to properly hit bottom.

Would I have to fall down the stairs and paralyze myself? Would I have to end up damaging someone really badly in a fight and ending up in jail for a long time, or getting damaged myself in a fight? Would it take liver failure?
What would it take?

And the truth is I either had to stop or one of the above would happen. And even then it mightn't stop me drinking. My bottom was the direction my life was going. It wasn't going to change - I wasn't going to change until I started actually making some changes.

Kjell

I know it sounds harsh saying to someone "maybe you're not done yet" and maybe it can be said another way, but...I do understand why it's being said.

See, not everyone that comes "in" to get help really wants to quit or is willing to do the work, in whatever program or no program they choose. Alcoholism is rich in denial, self deception, and just plain 'ol BS. We've damaged our brain. Our thinker is broken.

You've got to qualify someone so you know how and if you can help them. I think it's important to ask "do you think you're an alcoholic? Do you want to quit for good?" before going any further.

TheSunAlsoRises

Everyone is right it is really tough for everyone early days, do the next right thing. Just sit with it, it will pass

sleepie

Thanks Sun, that's exactly what I did to get to day six

And, just so there's no confusion- again, I agree with my sponsor about not being done. Relapse is a part of recovery for many- as a matter of fact it can be a tool if used correctly. There is an article regarding relapse and permanent recovery from addictions in this month's "Psychology Today"- which I just received yesterday, coincidentally. It's not online yet- only the August paper copy. And again, I know that even though I don't feel finished, I know I need to be- and that is why I have AA, a sponsor and an addictions counselor.

yeahgr8

Sounds like you got a lot of support going there sleepie which is good!

I cant offer much personal experience because i went to AA and drank again after 4 weeks of going to meetings and listening to one day at a time...it was only when i started working the steps real quick like that i got any kind of real hope...

I did find that when i made the decision to actually change that i did get a load of relief from the stuff you are going through:-)

Dee74

Well sleepie call me cantankerous and pedantic but I can't agree that relapse is a part of recovery - from my own experience, and being brutally honest here, I think it's a part of our addiction, myself...

but I do agree that we can gain something positive from a relapse and learn what not to do next time, that's for sure....

D

smacked

Relapse is part of active addiction, not recovery. It can be part of YOUR recovery story, perhaps.. but not a valuable or necessary 'tool' in the recovery toolbox. Not everyone 'relapses'.. Some relapses are fatal.

RobbyRobot

Relapsing is like controlled drinking that has become uncontrolled for whatever addiction reason / excuse. Nothing in recovery and being recovered requires relapsing. Relapsing is part of an active addiction.

Same as honestly loving somebody does not require hating them, working through all that horrific mess, and then get on with all the good loving everafter. Hating is not in any way a required part of loving, yes?

When we get the good sober and clean life, we won't have needed that last relapse to have that great life -- except that there does have to finally be a last one of course, and that is the only worth of a relapse: it being the last one.

Its good that you are learning about addictions and recoveries, sleepie. Knowledge is a wonderful thing! Good for you! Nothing wrong with looking at all the stuff out there as long as you please don't forget about ((YOU))

RR

justbrian

Very well put smacked and Robby. It is my opinion that relapse doesn't occur until there is true and honest recovery. To me, recovery is more than not drinking, recovery is a complete and total life change (like the psychic change Dr. Silkworth talks about). Even though it took me 5 years in and out of AA with 2 weeks here and 3 months there, I never had a relapse, because I was never in recovery. For me, being sober was good, but miserable. Recovery has done more than keep me sober today...it's taught me how to be a human in a human's world. Not easy, but possible IF I don't drink today!

Brian

Chops

I don't think that anyone can make an assesement that another member is either done or not done drinking. I've seen some members who talk the talk and profess to be sober for life go out again. At the same time I can recall members coming to meetings with their asses on fire, yelling that they want to drink and are going to drink but showing up each day sober until it passes. I have had doubts several times that I was gonna be sober that day when I woke up, went to AA and was honest, ratted myself out and went to bed sober that night.

I will take my experience a step further and say that I was not done drinking when I went to AA. I got popped for an DUI and sent by the judge back to AA. I was going to drink at the end of drug and alcohol testing while on pre-trial probation, then when that ended I was gonna stay sober until I got six months, then after six months I was going to drink but some people in my home group annoyed me so I stayed sober to keep coming and annoy them. At eight months I said that I was gonna stick around for the year chip. It was all ego :-) Character defect working for me. About 10 months in I "got it" whatever that means. I didn't get anything, it was all AA tricking me. AA got me.

I have had the psychic change, that actually happened before the steps etc. Somewhere around 90 days Vodka became death in my mind other than relief. The biggest thing that happened for me is that my reservation to drink was cancelled out somewhere in the first year. I honestly stopped planning my next drink. I stayed sober one day at at time, sometimes a minute at a time and the time added up. Now it's been over 2 years. One foot in front of the other.

You can want to drink and still stay sober, just for that day or minute if needed, my experience tells me this. Somewhere along the line in whatever program you choose obsessions, reservations etc. can be lifted. The experience of members here on SR tells us all this.

Mataleao

Well, you are doing all the right things. Going to meetings and actually getting a sponsor...I talk to so many people who never get one for one reason or another. Very early recovery was horrendous for me, as I worked way too many hours and had very little sleep. It's a miracle I kept both of my jobs...Crying almost daily in the bathroom...just a complete basket case. Keep the faith, where there is life there is hope! =)

onestepforward

It sucks sucks sucks sucks! If it didn't suck a** then we would not have AA and blogs like this; we wouldn't need them. For me, sometimes just being able to pick up the phone and say "Ya know, I want to drink and I'm f'n po'd that I am making the choice not to" and just have someone listen. I hope that is what we did for you. I liked what Melinda said; SCREAM...done a lot of that. Wishing you strength to endure the awful pain.

MagdaTheGreat

Good job, sleepie. Your post sums up why I'm not doing the AA thing this attempt. Meetings always seemed to make me worse. And I think "Maybe you're not done drinking yet" is possibly the stupidest thing one can say to an alcoholic in early recovery. Sometimes I think that it's hard to win with people with long-term sobriety. If you express sadness or complain then they say you didn't have a proper bottom - which is basically telling you that what you really need is for something even more horrible to happen - or if you express that you actually had a good day then you are on a "pink cloud".

Dee74

Hi Magda

I hope you'll start a thread and tell us a bit more about yourself, and why you're here
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here.

Welcome!
D