Only by the grace of God am I sober these last 72 hours
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
Only by the grace of God am I sober these last 72 hours
I should have written this last night but I was just wiped out. Today I still feel like I've run a couple of Boston Marathons while simultaneously being asked nuclear physics questions.
Before I venture further, for those just starting to read blogs, my husband is bipolar. We're working on an appropriate treatment for him but clearly haven't found it yet.
The last 72 hours have been him railing at me, deriding me, taking GREAT offense 3 days ago when I attended 2 meetings in the daytime, but forgot a piece of gear for the gig that night. It was, "OH, so you have time to get to TWO meetings, but you can't even remember to bring everything you need for the gig?!" To me, this sounds like two totally different issues. Anyway, he used the gear incident to spend the following 2 days verbally beating me down... talking about my "new friends in AA" who I seem to have more time for than for the gig, and pretty much everything I've done wrong since the day we met.
He even said that I was going to fail in AA. Nothing hurt as much as that did.
And I mean, some of this stuff was flat-out over the top. The first night he vowed to sleep on the couch; Several hours later he came to bed with the order "don't touch me". The next night he went to sleep in the van.
As usual, along with the nighttime relocations, he wakes me up 5 or 6 times to tell me something horrible about myself that clearly I must have forgotten since the last time he woke me up.
In general, what keeps him cranked up (and by this time I don't care) is that I will NOT engage with him when he's like this. I don't talk or shout back because there's simply no point. I remind him of this, but he's too far in his "swing" to hear anything I say.
Last night around 3am he came to bed with a snack and an apology. I honestly don't know what to think or feel any more... At one point I texted my sponsor that I swore someone must have offered him a large sum of money to see if he could get me to drink.
Just feeling worn out today... I know it's easy to make a villain of my husband but it's not that easy. Yet how many times do we do this? He does much better when going to counciling but it's that whole "lead a horse to water" thing.
Eh, I know I'm just complaining and I should buck up... it's just so helpful to have you all here with a willing ear.
I was on my knees last night and today thanking God for my sobriety.
Before I venture further, for those just starting to read blogs, my husband is bipolar. We're working on an appropriate treatment for him but clearly haven't found it yet.
The last 72 hours have been him railing at me, deriding me, taking GREAT offense 3 days ago when I attended 2 meetings in the daytime, but forgot a piece of gear for the gig that night. It was, "OH, so you have time to get to TWO meetings, but you can't even remember to bring everything you need for the gig?!" To me, this sounds like two totally different issues. Anyway, he used the gear incident to spend the following 2 days verbally beating me down... talking about my "new friends in AA" who I seem to have more time for than for the gig, and pretty much everything I've done wrong since the day we met.
He even said that I was going to fail in AA. Nothing hurt as much as that did.
And I mean, some of this stuff was flat-out over the top. The first night he vowed to sleep on the couch; Several hours later he came to bed with the order "don't touch me". The next night he went to sleep in the van.
As usual, along with the nighttime relocations, he wakes me up 5 or 6 times to tell me something horrible about myself that clearly I must have forgotten since the last time he woke me up.
In general, what keeps him cranked up (and by this time I don't care) is that I will NOT engage with him when he's like this. I don't talk or shout back because there's simply no point. I remind him of this, but he's too far in his "swing" to hear anything I say.
Last night around 3am he came to bed with a snack and an apology. I honestly don't know what to think or feel any more... At one point I texted my sponsor that I swore someone must have offered him a large sum of money to see if he could get me to drink.
Just feeling worn out today... I know it's easy to make a villain of my husband but it's not that easy. Yet how many times do we do this? He does much better when going to counciling but it's that whole "lead a horse to water" thing.
Eh, I know I'm just complaining and I should buck up... it's just so helpful to have you all here with a willing ear.
I was on my knees last night and today thanking God for my sobriety.
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Im sorry you going through this, living with a bipolar person can't be easy! I don't know how to ease your pain, but remember this ''sticks & stones may break my bones but words can never harm me'' - You are beautiful, You are special, GOD loves you and no matter how hard your situation is, HE is with you, HE will never leave you nor forsake you, when you can't any more, just take it to the FATHER in prayer and HE will sustain you. Thanks for posting, Hugs
Persevere, Never give up!
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by parsley 
Keep on sunrise! It seems like everytime we start something good in our lives, we get tested hard right off the bat. We're here for you!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Bethlehem, PA
Posts: 84
No doubt about it bipolar sucks. From what I've read successful treatment can be a trial and error process. I agree with the others who have said that you are being tested big time.
Here's a perspective I have learned recently in my own research to help my son. He is only nine, has emotional issues, is easily frustrated and sometimes physically violent. For a couple of years his counselors and doctors, my friends and family, have been trying to console me by telling me, "It's not your problem, it's his. You did nothing to cause this." I now am thinking of it a different way, believing instead that God means for me TO take responsibility for my son's problems. Not in the sense that I caused the problems, but in the sense that I am his mother, stronger than him, wiser, more able to shoulder the burden he is under. As his mother I am responsible for all of his difficulties. When I take responsibility for his struggles, I no longer see him as a combatant, but someone who I am called to help. I do not know how long God will take to cure my son, but I am determined to make every step I take a step toward God.
You are one with your husband. As long as he is not receiving proper treatment, and is ill, you are both ill. As your sober self you are much more capable of shouldering any trials for your marriage. Stay sober! Keep crying out to God.
Praise will confuse the enemy!
Here's a perspective I have learned recently in my own research to help my son. He is only nine, has emotional issues, is easily frustrated and sometimes physically violent. For a couple of years his counselors and doctors, my friends and family, have been trying to console me by telling me, "It's not your problem, it's his. You did nothing to cause this." I now am thinking of it a different way, believing instead that God means for me TO take responsibility for my son's problems. Not in the sense that I caused the problems, but in the sense that I am his mother, stronger than him, wiser, more able to shoulder the burden he is under. As his mother I am responsible for all of his difficulties. When I take responsibility for his struggles, I no longer see him as a combatant, but someone who I am called to help. I do not know how long God will take to cure my son, but I am determined to make every step I take a step toward God.
You are one with your husband. As long as he is not receiving proper treatment, and is ill, you are both ill. As your sober self you are much more capable of shouldering any trials for your marriage. Stay sober! Keep crying out to God.
Praise will confuse the enemy!
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