stugotz

How about just drinking until you are done. You know just get it over with. I used to go out get drunk then go to a meeting the next day and get a white chip then three days later do it again. It got so bad that my home group called me and asked for some white chips back cause they were running out. If you are gonna do it, do it good. That goes both for drinking and sobriety. Just sayin...

BullDog777

this is the way i was.



Sleepie, i care about you. i read your posts daily, and it makes me sad to see you struggling so much with relapsing.

i hate to say it, i do, but maybe you just haven't had enough yet. when i was done...i knew that was it. my failing health forced me to get sober. i couldn't have kept on any longer....and i wanted to. i just had no other choice.

sadly, it took me almost 13 years to get a month and it dam near ended my life.

i've seen people die from this horrible disease and the frustration that mounts seeing people drop like flies because they just couldn't put the sauce down breaks my heart..

maybe you ought to find a sober house to live in. they are all over the place and can provide you with 24hr support because you're living with your peers who share the same struggle.

i'll pray for you and please keep posting. we need you here as much as you need us.

intention

Hi Sleepie,

You are reaching out but you are not asking for help.

When your sponsor asks if there is anything she can do, if you really believed you were powerless over alcohol you would be asking for her to show you how to recover from alcoholism, not saying "No".

She can only help you when you are ready. Are you ready to recover and do the work now? If so I would suggest you call her again and ask for her help.

KarenElaine

When she said, "Is there anything I can do?" You should have said, "Yes, you can talk to me and help me get through this. Remind me why I want to stay sober, give me some reasons to hope, give me some sort of assignment (step one maybe)to put me back on the right path. There are some sponsors who would try to do that without you asking, but that's not the kind you have, or had. So now you've learned that if you're needing help and don't feel like you're getting it, you have to ask for it loud and clear. I hope you come back and try again.

endzoner

Sleepie , when you were in chat last nite you made a comment bout how some on this site are just a$$holes .. I knew you were refurring to this post and the comments that were posted . You know we all been there and understand what a struggle it is to work on soberity . But fact is .. we are telling you like it is and the truths on how we did it . Now had your sponcer told you the same thing as we are , you would of called her the same dang thing , you dont wanna hear the truths im sorry for being harsh , but , you been around here for sometime . and many at one point or another have told you all the same things you are reading in here now . and many have told you DONT drink ,, but you didnt listen to them neither , Perhaps your not done drinkin .... Ive been following your posts for sometime time now and many times I had to just not read them because it make me mad .. the millions of excuses youve had to drink .. perhaps go thu them and read all the millions of reasons why you drank .. honey Im not trying to be mean but im simply stateing facts .. if its not one thing its another .. this thing is called LIFE ! it does suck at times and its just part of lifes process , We learn to accept them do what we can and move on from it .. pickin up a drink sure wont make the problems any smaller .. but they sure do make them bigger . you complain bout not having a job or $ but yet you find ways to do other things when you dont have the $ .. you are in contol of your own choices no one can decide for you what to do .. you gotta decide that this is and will be the last drink and do what ever and how ever you gotta do it .. only thing we can do for you is be here and listen .. but stop makin excuses for the reason you drink and just accept its your falt not cuz it rained or the sirens went off or you didnt get a job or a guy dissed you .. etc .. we luv ya and I know your not likin what im writen .. but No one said this was going to be easy , but it will and does get better if you give it the effort you give to drinkin .. huggles Endzy

Toronto68

Sleepie, I wonder if it's possible the sponsor even knew inside there was still a lack of readiness in you, that there was another drunk or two left, and that it would take you reaching that point first. You reached to her in the call and you started AA recently as a reaching out, but maybe that came early from an intelligence, just not a readiness, which is emotional sense, I guess. The way others above said you had more to drink to get through sort of makes sense to me, I'm not sure why. The sponsor probably knows you better than we or I do by now, and she would be able to speak to that.

There are a lot of negative experiences with sponsors coming out of the woodwork lately, but my opinion is that this is not one of them. In other words, I don't think she was being negligent for not going past that dialogue you put down. Maybe she should have talked in more than closed answers (yes/no), but I guess that will come out later. It took me almost 10 years to do something with what a lady at meetings told me (if it looks like a duck, acts like a duck, etc), because I wasn't ready to admit it. She didn't start out the conversation that way though, she started out with open-ended language. I was at the stage where I thought the person's words were supposed to supply magic back then, and I didn't hear the right magic to trump what drinking could do for me. Which was too bad for me, and that's where the uniqueness to my story ends (I just kept drinking).

keithj

Sorry you drank Sleepie. It happens to those not recovered from alcoholism. But have hope. The AA program is all about getting recovered.

Just some clarification. Working it, to me, means taking the 12 Steps. It's the only tool we've got in AA. So when you ask if you are working it wrong, it depends on what you mean.

Calling your sponsor is a good thing. Anything is better than picking up that drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. Talking with a friend, going for a walk, getting to a meeting, distracting myself, thinking through the drink, chain me to the bed and leave me... All those things are better options for an alcoholic than drinking.

But none of those actions will get me recovered. Having a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps will get me recovered, and thereby safe and protected from the mental obsession of alcoholism.

Are you working it wrong? Dunno. What Step are you on and what action have you taken today on that Step?

Timebuster

Since our lives and recovery depend up our interaction with other people, ‘Personal Responsibility’ is one of the greatest lessons that we have to learn in recovery. The old joke goes, "The three requirements of life are: food, shelter and someone to blame it on."

Before coming to the Program of Narcotics Anonymous, I blamed others in countless ways for all of my misfortunes, problems and limitations. In doing this, I backed myself further and further into a tight corner that allowed less and less freedom.

Through all of my pain and dissatisfaction, I could do little to help myself. It was all up to these other people - or so I thought. This was my disease manifesting itself to the extreme. Before coming to the Program, I felt accustomed to repeatedly hearing from others about the many ways in which I was irresponsible, not getting it, in denial. It became almost a matter of psychological survival for me to block out the constant criticism.

Just like you, in active addiction, I used my character defects as a shield against attack. This was my 'survival kit'. I seldom told the truth because I lived in an illusion created and maintained by my denial. Fear and distrust motivated me to build walls to protect me from emotional or verbal harm, only to discover that these walls had become my prisons. I used anger and intimidation to keep people away. Fear of people approaching me. I feared that if they got too close they would see through the games I was playing to the hollow inside. Just the way you did with your sponsor yesterday.

Sleepie, every time I go through surrender in my recovery I am letting go of some of the ego definitions, character defect that have defined my relationship with myself and life. I have to let go of the attitudes and beliefs that I adapted because of the emotional trauma that I suffered in life and addiction. Until you became willing to look at your character defects and let them go and surrender, your flawed thinking will keep you from getting help and keep you drinking.

With love and respect
TB

sleepie

I've seen and read some pretty awful things from people on this site- never bashed them. Nor do I criticize someone who relapses. There are some here who have more than I can imagine, and whine ceaselessly- yet for some reason they are pandered to. I read posts by mothers who are drinking, sound horribly abusive- and then post to blame and complain about their childrens' drinking. I have an abusive history- yet did I bash them for being hypocritical and abusive? No. I read posts by people with DIUs' who have put other people's lives at risk. My own aunt was killed by a drunk driver... Did I jump down their throat? No. I'm quite discouraged. I try to offer hope and encouragement when someone posts- looks like many would rather kick someone while they're down. Enjoy.

suki44883

Excellent post!!

Toronto68

Sleepie, I started writing here, then transferred it to a private message today.

Hopefully you will take it well since I am one of your friends, but you might get miffed with me.

Lenina

sleepie,

What would give you hope? How can we encourage you? Please help us help you.

Love,

Lenina

sleepie

Okay Toronto, that was some valuable insight. There are a number of people here looking to kick someone while they're down so they can feel better about themselves. It's petty, but I guess I should expect it on a recovery site where people have issues. I'll take your advice and ignore them. I've started taking sleeping pills in addition to drinking. I just want to sleep until I wake up and don't remember any of it anymore. And if I don't wake up, that's okay with me too. Not a plead for pity. People can lash out all they want, it doesn't matter to me anymore. This is just where I'm at, just sayin'...

rws177

I hope you can pull out of this funk your in, it pains me to see/hear it. You sound similar to my ex, she took her life in July of 09 and it still sadens me to this day.

smacked

I hope you get the help you need, if you want it. Honestly, if you don't like it 'here', find a place you feel is more supportive. Ignore people that don't pander to your continued destruction. If you're suicidal, no one here can assist with that, nor should they have to. There are resources on the stickies about suicide (or dial 911). Or don't.. that's on you. Obviously taking sleeping pills and drinking is only a recipe for disaster, but of course, ultimately your choice.

I choose to be sober today. I hope you choose to find some help.

sleepie

Nice.

Charmie

sleepie,one day IF you get to work on the programme you will look at these posts with a new pair of eyes....when i had my last drink i had been attending meetings for a month.wild horses with the scots gaurd riding them would not have stopped me.
one of the first things that my sponsor taught me was to "mind my own business" all that stuff about other folk really is none of your concern and you are just detracting from the matter at hand....what action have you taken today to aid your recovery?
this does not land in our lap.it takes a leveling of pride and hard graft.if you want it is is there.but you gotta want it?
do you want it?
you know there is a solution.

LifeBlows

I relapsed too about a week ago after 8 days on the wagon. - Just putting it out there right now.


I don't think that its an unwillingness to get sober on Sleepie's parts. I would urge all of you to think about how many tries it takes to get sober. Many people relapse a couple of times before they develop all the tools and skills that they need to get sober.

Sometimes you know you need help, but you don't know what kind of help to ask for because what's hurting you is hard for you to explain to other people. I don't think that she was trying to blame her sponsor.

Its when I asked my first primary care physician to refer me to a psychiatrist. He was hostile and wrote one word answers on the form. So I stopped asking. Eventually I went to a crisis clinic where I was told that I may be drinking to medicate my depression. It was two years before I finally got to a primary care physician who would refer me (without me even asking, and without making me feel like sh$t for needing mental health care) and got me to experience my first long term bout of sobriety.

What I'm trying to say is that I think Sleepie is asking for help and she is looking for stuff that will help her out which may or may not be AA. Just saying because everyone is like go to AA. (incidentally I read about a guy who got sober and has stayed sober by running marathons) I don't think she was using her sponsor as a cop out. And I don't think its for lack of trying. And I'm not trying to enable.

Keep trying Sleepie.

justbrian

I was told very early on that it takes what it takes. Until I had an honest and true desire to stop drinking, I was gonna drink, no matter what I or anyone else did or said. It took a low hard bottom, and allot of serious consequences for me to finally want it. I was also told by an early sponsor that I can't have it until I really, REALLY want it more than anything else.

"If you have decided you WANT what we have and are willing to go to ANY length to get it-then you are READY to take certain steps."
-BB pg. 58

You've heard some tough things here. You feel like people are kicking you when your down. Maybe you don't really understand how deadly this disease is. Maybe you don't believe that if we continue drinking our options are mental institutions or death. I just spent this past weekend watching an alcoholic die. Ever seen someone bleed from every hole in their body? Ever seen someone sweat blood? There was no amount of morphine that could relieve his pain. No amount of alcohol they could pour down his throat helped. He literally bled to death, with not a single open wound on his body. I've NEVER in my life seen someone with such a desperate desire to live. Yes, he wanted to live, but it was too late.

The choice is yours and yours alone. We can't want it for you. We can't stop you from drinking and taking pills. Keep drinking and you may someday see the horror I saw last weekend, and it might just be a reflection in a mirror. I pray to God that someday you'll know what it means to really want it. The truth of the matter is, when you honestly want it, it will come, and it will be easier than what your going through now.

Brian

ElegantlyWasted

You can pick your own bottom; we all do whether we realize it. if your not done that's more than ok. You're here which definitly counts for something.

"...odd that she would ask that and then say "Okay"... What am I supposed to say? What's the right answer?"
You already said it by your actions, you're not done, you like the way booz makes you feel in the short term at the expense of alot of other stuff in the future. You have to make the magic happen.
Sponsors and other help is crucial for most of us, bu you do need to meet them halfway.