I am still dealing with anger/resentment problems
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Japan
Posts: 71
I am still dealing with anger/resentment problems
Hi All,
I need help. I am having a very difficult time with my anger/resentment and thoughts of revenge. I lost my job over two years ago and am still very sore about it. I listened to a AA Speaker Tape (John B.) and he talked about his feelings after he found out his daughter was raped. His first impulse was to go out and kill the person, but his sponsor was able to dissuade him. John B. said he was told by his sponsor "to pray for him(the man who raped his daughter). Ask God to forgive him and ask God to give him (the rapist) what he deserves, and leave it up to God to decide what he desserves...Doesn't matter what your motives are. Important that you take the actions...."
When I heard this tape I really was moved and impressed how John B. was able to use the program to help him work through this, and not resort to violent revenge.
A friend of mine, a Catholic priest who I did my 5th step with, suggested I pray for the people I still hold resentments towards. Well that was in January 2009 and I am still dealing with the anger/resentments towards the former coworlers and bosses at the job I was fired from 2 years ago.
I need help.
Patk
I need help. I am having a very difficult time with my anger/resentment and thoughts of revenge. I lost my job over two years ago and am still very sore about it. I listened to a AA Speaker Tape (John B.) and he talked about his feelings after he found out his daughter was raped. His first impulse was to go out and kill the person, but his sponsor was able to dissuade him. John B. said he was told by his sponsor "to pray for him(the man who raped his daughter). Ask God to forgive him and ask God to give him (the rapist) what he deserves, and leave it up to God to decide what he desserves...Doesn't matter what your motives are. Important that you take the actions...."
When I heard this tape I really was moved and impressed how John B. was able to use the program to help him work through this, and not resort to violent revenge.
A friend of mine, a Catholic priest who I did my 5th step with, suggested I pray for the people I still hold resentments towards. Well that was in January 2009 and I am still dealing with the anger/resentments towards the former coworlers and bosses at the job I was fired from 2 years ago.
I need help.
Patk
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: chico, ca
Posts: 321
I have practiced that same challenge, and I do mean challenge, to pray for people who have wronged me or the one's I love. Honest to God, it works. Keep on the path, and may the wind blow gently at your back. God Bless
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Ok Pat. Going to be a bit blunt here. I had this same problem, over and over and over. At about 3 years or so sober, I had a BIG one against my current husband. Was over at my sponsors, ranting about it. My sponsor's hubby, (also in the program) sat me down and explained some things to me.
First, my resentments arise out of MY EXPECTATIONS of others. Then he said the following which has stuck with me for over 26 years now:
"What is he/she/it/they NOT DOING, that I WANT he/she/it/they to do, when I WANT he/she/it/they to do it, to MAKE ME MORE COMFORTABLE?"
Wow. Did that bring me up short. My expectations of others, to make me more comfortable. Be it job, a driver on the street, a cashier at the grocery store, a customer service rep, etc etc etc
So I had to started looking at ME, at MY PART, and see that I could and cannot rely on others to make me comfortable. I cannot fix others. Others are not perfect. Mistakes will be made. Sometimes accidental and sometimes intentional. I am not God. But ................. I can accept the 'things' that might cause me a resentment, as just another curve ball in life, and MOVE ON. The longer I hang onto a resentment, the longer I am denying myself of Happiness, Joyfulness and Freedom.
Pray for 14 days straight for each individual. If you miss a day start over. What I found ........................ after a few misses and having to start over, it just became easier to say "ah the h*ll with it" that person is just not worth my time and energy. That would allow me to stop renting space in my head to the individual, etc.
Don't know if it will work for you, but it sure worked and works for me.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
First, my resentments arise out of MY EXPECTATIONS of others. Then he said the following which has stuck with me for over 26 years now:
"What is he/she/it/they NOT DOING, that I WANT he/she/it/they to do, when I WANT he/she/it/they to do it, to MAKE ME MORE COMFORTABLE?"
Wow. Did that bring me up short. My expectations of others, to make me more comfortable. Be it job, a driver on the street, a cashier at the grocery store, a customer service rep, etc etc etc
So I had to started looking at ME, at MY PART, and see that I could and cannot rely on others to make me comfortable. I cannot fix others. Others are not perfect. Mistakes will be made. Sometimes accidental and sometimes intentional. I am not God. But ................. I can accept the 'things' that might cause me a resentment, as just another curve ball in life, and MOVE ON. The longer I hang onto a resentment, the longer I am denying myself of Happiness, Joyfulness and Freedom.
Pray for 14 days straight for each individual. If you miss a day start over. What I found ........................ after a few misses and having to start over, it just became easier to say "ah the h*ll with it" that person is just not worth my time and energy. That would allow me to stop renting space in my head to the individual, etc.
Don't know if it will work for you, but it sure worked and works for me.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,591
I don't know if I can say anything to create a shift in attitude with regard to specific resentments. I know they logically seem so right to the person who has them. A job is so closely tied to self-esteem as well.
In the past, I used to think of forgiveness as "disarming" the person who caused harm. It makes sense to see an absense of resentment as a freedom. And if I can't be perfect at something, I can at least act and think in a way that amounts to progress.
In the past, I used to think of forgiveness as "disarming" the person who caused harm. It makes sense to see an absense of resentment as a freedom. And if I can't be perfect at something, I can at least act and think in a way that amounts to progress.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I'm not a very good forgiver, but I "Let go". Personally I have found some of the Buddhist teachings to be of great help. What was earlier said of expectations is so true as well... I wish you the best in overcoming your pain.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Could there be resentments underlying your inability to let go, ie other, seemingly unrelated resentments??
My experience has been that when I feel blocked, when I am not feeling happy, I try an on the fly inventory, as per the Big Book, and I work through it and find what it is the resentment is affecting.... I am in a position to have an "a hah" moment and I may feel much better because I know what I can work on to let go... usually PRIDE... asking God for help, whatever... And the point is that initially the resentment didn't seem relevant to what I was feeling, thinking, doing... at that time.
But, it is progress not perfection, and I have to do the work...
That's my experience.
My experience has been that when I feel blocked, when I am not feeling happy, I try an on the fly inventory, as per the Big Book, and I work through it and find what it is the resentment is affecting.... I am in a position to have an "a hah" moment and I may feel much better because I know what I can work on to let go... usually PRIDE... asking God for help, whatever... And the point is that initially the resentment didn't seem relevant to what I was feeling, thinking, doing... at that time.
But, it is progress not perfection, and I have to do the work...
That's my experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Japan
Posts: 71
Hi Everyone,
Thanks for your replies and support.
laurie6781, the things that still eat away at me are the lies and betrayal I felt and experienced from these former colleagues/supervisors. What makes it all the more stinging is that I have been very underemployed the past two years, and I brood over how well-paid these people are in their current jobs...I am a new dad with two kids aged 3 and 1, so I feel really like I am letting my kids and wife down, and I turn the feelings into anger at the people I hold these resentments towards
Patk
Thanks for your replies and support.
laurie6781, the things that still eat away at me are the lies and betrayal I felt and experienced from these former colleagues/supervisors. What makes it all the more stinging is that I have been very underemployed the past two years, and I brood over how well-paid these people are in their current jobs...I am a new dad with two kids aged 3 and 1, so I feel really like I am letting my kids and wife down, and I turn the feelings into anger at the people I hold these resentments towards
Patk
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
My ex-wife cheated on me for several years and I didn't know it. I knew we were in a bad way, I knew I felt like.....well......horrible all the time, my drinking got progressively worse, she filed for divorce and within a week of her filing I found out about the affair. She was still living at the house here with me, albeit in separate bedrooms and stayed here for another 3 months or so. (in retrospect, I never should have allowed that but it seemed right at the time)
I was still drinking and drank for another year or so.....but I took the advice of my eventual sponsor and started praying for her. He swore up and down that it worked for him with his ex-wife "situation." He told me I had to pray AND mean it. I had to pray that she'd get/be happy. I had to pray that she'd get everything in life she wanted....etc etc... He swore that IF I could get to the point where I meant those prayers (which took some willingness on my part because I didn't WANT to mean those prayers...I didn't want her to be happy.....) then I'd feel better too.
Mind you, we were still living together and just LOOKING at her made my stomach churn. I wanted, at my core, to hate her guts. So anyway, at first I prayed for her and didn't mean it. Then I started meaning it but only because I was hoping/expecting a payoff for me in the deal. After a month or two of that, I actually started meaning it just because........ because she's a child of that same God I was praying to and He loves us all in spite of our f-ups (me included). When I was praying FOR hear and meant every word I was saying/thinking my friend's promise came true for me as well.
Maybe it's time you change how you're praying. Do it in another room, change your routine, change your prayers, maybe switch over to meditation .....but change something up. When I realize I'm banging my head against the same wall over and over, I have to fight the urge to try harder or do more of the same and, instead, get flexible and change something myself. That seems to be working for me.
I was still drinking and drank for another year or so.....but I took the advice of my eventual sponsor and started praying for her. He swore up and down that it worked for him with his ex-wife "situation." He told me I had to pray AND mean it. I had to pray that she'd get/be happy. I had to pray that she'd get everything in life she wanted....etc etc... He swore that IF I could get to the point where I meant those prayers (which took some willingness on my part because I didn't WANT to mean those prayers...I didn't want her to be happy.....) then I'd feel better too.
Mind you, we were still living together and just LOOKING at her made my stomach churn. I wanted, at my core, to hate her guts. So anyway, at first I prayed for her and didn't mean it. Then I started meaning it but only because I was hoping/expecting a payoff for me in the deal. After a month or two of that, I actually started meaning it just because........ because she's a child of that same God I was praying to and He loves us all in spite of our f-ups (me included). When I was praying FOR hear and meant every word I was saying/thinking my friend's promise came true for me as well.
Maybe it's time you change how you're praying. Do it in another room, change your routine, change your prayers, maybe switch over to meditation .....but change something up. When I realize I'm banging my head against the same wall over and over, I have to fight the urge to try harder or do more of the same and, instead, get flexible and change something myself. That seems to be working for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Pat
Looks like I'm gonna be the bad guy.
Go back and read your old posts.
If I'm reading correctly, you got fired because of your drinking problem - and it wasn't the first time.
Let me be clear - I'm not 'blaming the victim' - I lost my career too - but there is a degree of personal responsibility there.
Maybe that's whats you're angry about too?
In the end, Pat, you can be mad at your supervisors all you like for making allowances for someone else and then not for you, but the fact remains it doesn't change a thing.
3 years on and you're still struggling yeah?
That's the real issue Pat - and I say that not to beat on you, but because I've been there.
Our minds can twist us like putty.
Focusing on something from 3 years ago suits an alcoholic very well because we can never have resolution - it's an inexhaustible insoluble well of resentment, and something to drink against.
You're focusing on something thats long gone - focus on the fight you're facing now, Pat.
D
Looks like I'm gonna be the bad guy.
Go back and read your old posts.
If I'm reading correctly, you got fired because of your drinking problem - and it wasn't the first time.
Let me be clear - I'm not 'blaming the victim' - I lost my career too - but there is a degree of personal responsibility there.
Maybe that's whats you're angry about too?
In the end, Pat, you can be mad at your supervisors all you like for making allowances for someone else and then not for you, but the fact remains it doesn't change a thing.
3 years on and you're still struggling yeah?
That's the real issue Pat - and I say that not to beat on you, but because I've been there.
Our minds can twist us like putty.
Focusing on something from 3 years ago suits an alcoholic very well because we can never have resolution - it's an inexhaustible insoluble well of resentment, and something to drink against.
You're focusing on something thats long gone - focus on the fight you're facing now, Pat.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Even watermelons are laughing at you.
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
Ok Pat. Going to be a bit blunt here. I had this same problem, over and over and over. At about 3 years or so sober, I had a BIG one against my current husband. Was over at my sponsors, ranting about it. My sponsor's hubby, (also in the program) sat me down and explained some things to me.
First, my resentments arise out of MY EXPECTATIONS of others. Then he said the following which has stuck with me for over 26 years now:
"What is he/she/it/they NOT DOING, that I WANT he/she/it/they to do, when I WANT he/she/it/they to do it, to MAKE ME MORE COMFORTABLE?"
Wow. Did that bring me up short. My expectations of others, to make me more comfortable. Be it job, a driver on the street, a cashier at the grocery store, a customer service rep, etc etc etc
So I had to started looking at ME, at MY PART, and see that I could and cannot rely on others to make me comfortable. I cannot fix others. Others are not perfect. Mistakes will be made. Sometimes accidental and sometimes intentional. I am not God. But ................. I can accept the 'things' that might cause me a resentment, as just another curve ball in life, and MOVE ON. The longer I hang onto a resentment, the longer I am denying myself of Happiness, Joyfulness and Freedom.
Pray for 14 days straight for each individual. If you miss a day start over. What I found ........................ after a few misses and having to start over, it just became easier to say "ah the h*ll with it" that person is just not worth my time and energy. That would allow me to stop renting space in my head to the individual, etc.
Don't know if it will work for you, but it sure worked and works for me.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
First, my resentments arise out of MY EXPECTATIONS of others. Then he said the following which has stuck with me for over 26 years now:
"What is he/she/it/they NOT DOING, that I WANT he/she/it/they to do, when I WANT he/she/it/they to do it, to MAKE ME MORE COMFORTABLE?"
Wow. Did that bring me up short. My expectations of others, to make me more comfortable. Be it job, a driver on the street, a cashier at the grocery store, a customer service rep, etc etc etc
So I had to started looking at ME, at MY PART, and see that I could and cannot rely on others to make me comfortable. I cannot fix others. Others are not perfect. Mistakes will be made. Sometimes accidental and sometimes intentional. I am not God. But ................. I can accept the 'things' that might cause me a resentment, as just another curve ball in life, and MOVE ON. The longer I hang onto a resentment, the longer I am denying myself of Happiness, Joyfulness and Freedom.
Pray for 14 days straight for each individual. If you miss a day start over. What I found ........................ after a few misses and having to start over, it just became easier to say "ah the h*ll with it" that person is just not worth my time and energy. That would allow me to stop renting space in my head to the individual, etc.
Don't know if it will work for you, but it sure worked and works for me.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Even watermelons are laughing at you.
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Dee74
Pat
Focusing on something from 3 years ago suits an alcoholic very well because we can never have resolution - it's an inexhaustible insoluble well of resentment, and something to drink against.
You're focusing on something thats long gone - focus on the fight you're facing now.
Focusing on something from 3 years ago suits an alcoholic very well because we can never have resolution - it's an inexhaustible insoluble well of resentment, and something to drink against.
You're focusing on something thats long gone - focus on the fight you're facing now.
Rather than focus my anger/resentment on the fight I'm facing now, which can be taken care of, I like to focus on things that I have no way of changing because too much time has passed.
Maybe, I'll learn someday.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: far far from home
Posts: 373
Originally Posted by Dee74
Pat
Looks like I'm gonna be the bad guy.
Go back and read your old posts.
If I'm reading correctly, you got fired because of your drinking problem - and it wasn't the first time.
Let me be clear - I'm not 'blaming the victim' - I lost my career too - but there is a degree of personal responsibility there.
Maybe that's whats you're angry about too?
In the end, Pat, you can be mad at your supervisors all you like for making allowances for someone else and then not for you, but the fact remains it doesn't change a thing.
3 years on and you're still struggling yeah?
That's the real issue Pat - and I say that not to beat on you, but because I've been there.
Our minds can twist us like putty.
Focusing on something from 3 years ago suits an alcoholic very well because we can never have resolution - it's an inexhaustible insoluble well of resentment, and something to drink against.
You're focusing on something thats long gone - focus on the fight you're facing now, Pat.
D
Looks like I'm gonna be the bad guy.
Go back and read your old posts.
If I'm reading correctly, you got fired because of your drinking problem - and it wasn't the first time.
Let me be clear - I'm not 'blaming the victim' - I lost my career too - but there is a degree of personal responsibility there.
Maybe that's whats you're angry about too?
In the end, Pat, you can be mad at your supervisors all you like for making allowances for someone else and then not for you, but the fact remains it doesn't change a thing.
3 years on and you're still struggling yeah?
That's the real issue Pat - and I say that not to beat on you, but because I've been there.
Our minds can twist us like putty.
Focusing on something from 3 years ago suits an alcoholic very well because we can never have resolution - it's an inexhaustible insoluble well of resentment, and something to drink against.
You're focusing on something thats long gone - focus on the fight you're facing now, Pat.
D
Great question and great advice given in this thread1
I try to focus on the now but it is soooo hard for me, 2 years sober and I find myself plotting revenge (I go through elaborate plans in my head) for perceived wrongs from an employer. I got canned 6 years ago for drinking.
UGH!
The truth shall set you free
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: United States
Posts: 5,267
R E S E N T S O M E B O D Y
The moment you start to resent a person you become their slave.
They control your dreams, absorb your digestion,
rob you of peace of mind and good will,
and take away the pleasure of your work.
They ruin your spirituality and nullify your prayers.
You cannot take a vacation without them going along!
They destroy your freedom of mind and hound you wherever you go.
There is no way to escape the person you resent.
They are with you when you are awake.
They invade your privacy when you sleep.
They are close beside you when you eat,
when you drive your car, and when you are on the job.
You can never have efficiency or happiness.
They influence even the tone of your voice.
They require you to take medicine for indigestion,
headaches and loss of energy.
They even steal your last moment of consciousness
before you go to sleep.
So if you want to be a slave, harbor your resentments.
The problem is, no matter whom we're resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves. Having resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
TB
The moment you start to resent a person you become their slave.
They control your dreams, absorb your digestion,
rob you of peace of mind and good will,
and take away the pleasure of your work.
They ruin your spirituality and nullify your prayers.
You cannot take a vacation without them going along!
They destroy your freedom of mind and hound you wherever you go.
There is no way to escape the person you resent.
They are with you when you are awake.
They invade your privacy when you sleep.
They are close beside you when you eat,
when you drive your car, and when you are on the job.
You can never have efficiency or happiness.
They influence even the tone of your voice.
They require you to take medicine for indigestion,
headaches and loss of energy.
They even steal your last moment of consciousness
before you go to sleep.
So if you want to be a slave, harbor your resentments.
The problem is, no matter whom we're resenting, the anger is ultimately directed against ourselves. Having resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
TB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Zion, Illinois
Posts: 3,411
The thing that changed my attitude about holding a grudge is the fact that the people/person I hold the grudge against isn't the one who's hurting. Pat, the fellow employees and bosses at that job have long forgotten about you. They dropped you two years ago and you're still carrying them around with you. They have control over you STILL!! It's been said many times and I agree that holding on to a resentment is like me taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I refuse to give someone else that kind of power over me. I forgive today so I can move on with my life and not be stuck in the past.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Pat: you mention you have done your 5th step with a priest. I would like to politely point out that if the priest is not in AA or a recovered alcoholic himself, you may be missing out on some important parts of working this step.
I have a sponsor with 19 years of sobriety who has sponsored dozens of people. She has a very specific process for working steps 4 - 8 and it sounds to me that you may not have really worked through this step successfully, especially as it seems you haven't been able to overcome your resentments. I am sure the priest has the best intentions, but if he is not in AA, he may not have all the experience needed to help you with step work. A good sponsor in AA can help you get to the bottom of your resentments and find ways of eliminating them successfully.
I have a sponsor with 19 years of sobriety who has sponsored dozens of people. She has a very specific process for working steps 4 - 8 and it sounds to me that you may not have really worked through this step successfully, especially as it seems you haven't been able to overcome your resentments. I am sure the priest has the best intentions, but if he is not in AA, he may not have all the experience needed to help you with step work. A good sponsor in AA can help you get to the bottom of your resentments and find ways of eliminating them successfully.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Japan
Posts: 71
Hi littlefish,
Thanks for replying to my post. The priest is an AA member and runs the local meetings in the neighbouring province. He's been sober over 45 years so he has lots of experience. I did have a lot of trouble doing step 4 since I did not know if I should do it the way books for ACOA's (which I am) advocate, and the AA stuff. This priest suggested I keep it simple and use the system described in the Big Book. I did the step 5 with this priest and felt better. He suggested I burn the paper that my step 4 and 5 was on, which helped, but I guess did not help enough for long-term serenity and acceptance.
Patk
Thanks for replying to my post. The priest is an AA member and runs the local meetings in the neighbouring province. He's been sober over 45 years so he has lots of experience. I did have a lot of trouble doing step 4 since I did not know if I should do it the way books for ACOA's (which I am) advocate, and the AA stuff. This priest suggested I keep it simple and use the system described in the Big Book. I did the step 5 with this priest and felt better. He suggested I burn the paper that my step 4 and 5 was on, which helped, but I guess did not help enough for long-term serenity and acceptance.
Patk
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Well, you might visit the step forum here and mention this problem. You might also work the step over again, or work the step with a temporary sponsor.
I am really surprised your sponsor suggested burning the papers from your step 4 work! My sponsor had me save my step 4 list to work step 8. At step 8,
we took my step 4 list, (which was more or less: "who am I angry with, and why?"), and then I was asked to add to the list: "What role did I play in the situation that made me angry"?
I am also surprised at the suggestion of burning your step work papers, because it's been suggested to me from many sources to save them and use them as reference for the next time I work the steps.
I am not criticising your sponsor but perhaps someone closer to your age, or experienced with some newer ideas in AA may help you work this step more successfully?
I am really surprised your sponsor suggested burning the papers from your step 4 work! My sponsor had me save my step 4 list to work step 8. At step 8,
we took my step 4 list, (which was more or less: "who am I angry with, and why?"), and then I was asked to add to the list: "What role did I play in the situation that made me angry"?
I am also surprised at the suggestion of burning your step work papers, because it's been suggested to me from many sources to save them and use them as reference for the next time I work the steps.
I am not criticising your sponsor but perhaps someone closer to your age, or experienced with some newer ideas in AA may help you work this step more successfully?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: New Hampshire, USA
Posts: 224
The big book is clear that one need not do a fifth step with an AA member, nor with one's sponsor. It may be, but it need not be. The 12/12 says the same. It seems at times that current fashion or the particularities of one's personal experience displace the suggestions as actually written, IMHO. The validity of our own experience does not invalidate the different and equally valid experience of others. I'd have to check the literature, but I do not think that Ebby, with whom BillW did his fifth step, was an AA member, for example.
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