LifeBlows

Not as much as I wanted to. I only had enough for a small bottle of sherry. By the time I was done I was feeling quite ripped. I finished the bottle at about 4 p.m. and decided to go up to my room. On the way up the stairs I knocked a face mask off the wall. I recall thinking that I would go back and hang it up again.
I lay down on my bed, and then it was 8p.m. When I lie down, I tend to fall asleep. I'm not too sure I didn't black out as opposed to sleeping. Since I had no other money, I just stayed sober. I didn't sleep of course, and I'm still feeling a bit strange. Part of me is saying ok, just start over. Today can be your Day 1 again and you can get past the whole weekend thing which is turning out to be your biggest downfall right now. I'm going to the doctors office on Monday to get Antabuse. My brother has promised to pay for it.
I have been getting stuff done, like I researched advertising opportunities for my mother's business and found some really cheap ways that she could do this. But I was so drunk that I forgot to call a woman I'd set up an appointment with and I haven't done a job search in nearly 2 weeks. The job search thing is scary because I really need a proper job. The telemarketing job I have now just doesn't pay a damn thing.
I did manage to file for bankruptcy yesterday which is good. I will be getting to keep my condo and should be debt free in 9 - 21 months.
I saw the post about things going bad really quickly and how the poster used to joke about liver ache. Whenever I go into withdrawals my kidneys hurt, and I'm almost convinced that the ache on my left side is my pancreas begging me to lay off the sauce. If I sit the wrong way, like a little too hunched over, the place where my liver is also starts to hurt.
I know that I am coming close to the end of the line. I want my life to be better. I want to get my life back together pronto and like I've said many times before, when I'm sober it seems as though there is nothing I can't do when I put my mind to it. That said, I still want to drink. The reptile part of my brain is saying thank God it is Friday. You can just get absolutely ripped and stay that way all day for two and a half days straight.
I remember when I did that for Christmas about 2 years ago. I bought two 28 oz bottles of Gin, and on very little food drank one over the course of the 25th. I'd opted out of seeing my family that Christmas. I ate almost nothing. Man oh man was I sick the next day. And it wasn't hang over sick. It was jitteryness, heart palpitations, wild anxiety. I couldn't be sick because I just hadn't eaten enough the previous day. I think that is the closest I've ever come to giving myself alcohol poisoning. And then when I was feeling a little better I drank the other bottle. Of course I was careful to eat something this time you know. I was gonna be smarter about the whole thing.

Boleo

Sometimes too much of a good thing is bad. Like too much alcohol.

Sometimes too much of a bad thing is good. Like too much suffering.

Too much suffering leads to change.

LifeBlows

Yes too much suffering leads to change. You drink so much to become numb so it takes like 10 times the amount of suffering to get you to get off your ass and do something about your problems.

rws177

I found that when I quit drinking other areas of my life started to fall into place. You say that you haven't looked for a job in two weeks? Getting sober may lead to landing a job and getting out of debt. Iv'e draken like you have in the past with your gin day and can relate. Trust me, being sober is so much better. I'd suggest hitting up AA this weekend and making today your day one.

smacked

I drank enough to kill me numerous times.. luckily it didn't. I have no idea if the next drunk would kill me, but I'm no longer willing to find out.

BullDog777

that has to be one of the most intelligent statements i've ever heard in recovery. Very well put.

Dee74

I remember finding myself in a hole like that LifeBlows.
I hope you've decided to stop digging.

D

Nevertheless

Be careful if you get antabuse.
I had to "test"it to make sure it worked.
It was a long time ago, and I don't remember just how muck I drank, but I want to say just one beer.
I thought I was gonna die.
BUT I never drank again while taking it.
Stick with this and you will win.
Fred

DetroitRock

Wow, did you write that? That is probably the best quote I've ever heard.

smacked

LOL.. yes, I wrote it, but I've read so many recovery books, I probably can't take full credit!

mikefreak

Smacked , you are indeed a smart woman. (!)
I don't know HOW many times I would go to the pawn shop so I could get something to drink! Ashamed as hell to admit this, but I "sold" my CAR for $99! THEn the bast**ds I sold it to stole half my tools!!! JEEZ......................