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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: az
Posts: 8
question
i made this post in the al-anon group too, but i wanted to get a view from the other side. Please be honest with me. I am hurting so bad right now and I need to know what to do. How do i fix it?
What would you all feel if your spouse doubted you?
Here is the post:
my ah says now that now he knows i am not his biggest champion and supporter in his quitting drinking. He said he always thought i was, but because i thought he had been drinking last night. he knows that i am not. he said i was supposed to be his best friend.
i tried to tell him, that it was because he quit before and he hasn't been talking to me about how he has been feeling this last time that he quit. he says he is stronger than before. but i dont know that. When i told him i need to know what his plan was or to share with me what was going on he said, and i am quoting
ME: why do i have to ask to find out, this is something that affects both of us why cant you le me in on your process. you told me once not to ask anything and that if you wanted to talk about it youd let me know.
HIM: yes, i did, and that hasn't changed much, really. i'd prefer you just trusted that i was going to do well, without daily updates from me.
how i deal with things is my business. and you're selfish beyond words to ask me to change that just for you. if i'm not drinking, then whatever i'm doing is working.
i dont know what to think anymore. now things are worse between us then when he was drinking. It's hard to have these conversations long distance. (hes out of town on business.)
I feel like *#%!*#%!*#%!*#%!. I'm hurting terribly. Is he right. was i wrong to doubt him? does that make me bad? i dont know what to think now. I hate this more than anything.
When i said that i was hurt by all this and it was killing me. he said well so am i.
great so now i hurt him. this wasn't what i wanted to do, i was just trying to be honest in my feelings. he says to me just because i feel something doesnt mean its right or make it ok or justified.
What would you all feel if your spouse doubted you?
Here is the post:
my ah says now that now he knows i am not his biggest champion and supporter in his quitting drinking. He said he always thought i was, but because i thought he had been drinking last night. he knows that i am not. he said i was supposed to be his best friend.
i tried to tell him, that it was because he quit before and he hasn't been talking to me about how he has been feeling this last time that he quit. he says he is stronger than before. but i dont know that. When i told him i need to know what his plan was or to share with me what was going on he said, and i am quoting
ME: why do i have to ask to find out, this is something that affects both of us why cant you le me in on your process. you told me once not to ask anything and that if you wanted to talk about it youd let me know.
HIM: yes, i did, and that hasn't changed much, really. i'd prefer you just trusted that i was going to do well, without daily updates from me.
how i deal with things is my business. and you're selfish beyond words to ask me to change that just for you. if i'm not drinking, then whatever i'm doing is working.
i dont know what to think anymore. now things are worse between us then when he was drinking. It's hard to have these conversations long distance. (hes out of town on business.)
I feel like *#%!*#%!*#%!*#%!. I'm hurting terribly. Is he right. was i wrong to doubt him? does that make me bad? i dont know what to think now. I hate this more than anything.
When i said that i was hurt by all this and it was killing me. he said well so am i.
great so now i hurt him. this wasn't what i wanted to do, i was just trying to be honest in my feelings. he says to me just because i feel something doesnt mean its right or make it ok or justified.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Australia
Posts: 610
Queen,
I can tell you what it was like for me. When I was drinking I manipulated everyone around me so that I wouldn't have to face up to what I was doing. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I just hated myself for not having any control over my drinking and couldn't face that truth until I was ready.
I got defensive at any mention of my drinking and pulled out all kinds of manipulative tactics to avoid facing the truth.
Now that I'm on the other side, being sober and living with an alcoholic still drinking, I can see how important it is for me to take care of myself. The minute I start depending on the other person's actions for my own sanity is the minute I start to go downhill.
I hope that you find the help you're looking for and Al-Anon is a good place to be for this. You'll find lots of support there.
Amy
I can tell you what it was like for me. When I was drinking I manipulated everyone around me so that I wouldn't have to face up to what I was doing. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I just hated myself for not having any control over my drinking and couldn't face that truth until I was ready.
I got defensive at any mention of my drinking and pulled out all kinds of manipulative tactics to avoid facing the truth.
Now that I'm on the other side, being sober and living with an alcoholic still drinking, I can see how important it is for me to take care of myself. The minute I start depending on the other person's actions for my own sanity is the minute I start to go downhill.
I hope that you find the help you're looking for and Al-Anon is a good place to be for this. You'll find lots of support there.
Amy
It Works It Really Does
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Lakeview, Arkansas USA
Posts: 13
Queen....
From the AA Big Book, "We never, never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important." Chapter To Wives, Page 120.
On the other side of the coin, and what really captured my attention early on in my sobriety were these words from the book, "Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to go far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof." The chapter The Family Afterwards, page 127.
From these readings, I get the message that it may be wise for you to back off a bit in expressing your concerns. But also, the message is that "no, you're not a bad person" just because you are expecting some unselfish behavior and love from a man getting over alcoholism.
One add'l reading, also page 127...."As each member of a resentful family begins to see his (hers) shortcomings and admits them to the others, he (she) lays a basis for helpful discusssion."
Give it a try!
Don A.
From the AA Big Book, "We never, never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from temptation. The slightest disposition on your part to guide his appointments or his affairs so he will not be tempted will be noticed. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes. This is important." Chapter To Wives, Page 120.
On the other side of the coin, and what really captured my attention early on in my sobriety were these words from the book, "Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to go far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof." The chapter The Family Afterwards, page 127.
From these readings, I get the message that it may be wise for you to back off a bit in expressing your concerns. But also, the message is that "no, you're not a bad person" just because you are expecting some unselfish behavior and love from a man getting over alcoholism.
One add'l reading, also page 127...."As each member of a resentful family begins to see his (hers) shortcomings and admits them to the others, he (she) lays a basis for helpful discusssion."
Give it a try!
Don A.
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