Something I missed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 88
Something I missed
I'm stressed out like no other. it's coming through in every aspect of my life.... I'm just so despondent and I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I've been having cravings lately like all day every day. Yesterday was the best day I had in weeks, and I was starting to feel hopeful, but today I'm right back to point A. I feel like my discontent is pushing me towards relapse. Actually, I'm almost certain about that. I ALMOST feel like I can justify drinking right now because of all the stress...Like it's okay because I'm not drinking just to drink-- it's an excuse to escape for a while. I KNOW how wrong that is, and that drinking is not the way. I just find myself throughout the day trying to convince myself it's fine to have a drink. The worst thing about the situation is that I'm pretty much bringing it on myself. My fiance has had a habit in the past of being extremely selfish but he has really straightened himself out....then his padre SERIOUSLY screwed us over and I'm blaming him. I know that's wrong too, but I cant help but think of all the disappointments he's piled up on me now after being disappointed again, even though this time it's not even his fault. I find myself distrusting him again because I'm replaying the past in my head. and all this while he's laying in the hospital, sick as hell, getting prepared to go into multiple surgeries... so once again I feel like my own worst enemy...
Anyway I'm feeling like in the 2 years after i got sober i missed something. I changed my lifestyle, my friends, my location, my phone number, my job, almost everything but I forgot myself. Since I signed up here I've heard the term dry drunk alot. That's me. I quit drinking and drugging but I retained that mindset. I want to get messed up and forget about it any time I have a problem, and I fight it off for a while, albeit a long while, but it's inevitable. I've been resisting help because I have a hard time putting myself out there- i come here because the anonymity makes it feel safer, but even now I feel really uncomfortable. I want to do it though, I want to learn a new way of thinking and looking at life. I don't want to constantly battle myself.. to drink or not to drink
I have some pretty deep seated trust issues (also why I'm so distressed over my relationship right now)... when I open up I feel like I am giving people ammo to shoot me down with. This is the only thing holding me back- Everyone in AA or whatever program is going to be a stranger and I'm expecting that I'm going to have to open up to them. That terrifies me. If anyone has some advice and can help me with this- please do. I don't know how to get over that fear and I would like to hear some positive experiences people have had with AA or any kind of program to maybe ease my mind a little bit...? I did do about a year of one on one counseling...most of the appts I sat and stared at the wall and gave one word answers, but the more intense sessions made me so anxious I got sick.
sorry for rambling........thanks for your time
Anyway I'm feeling like in the 2 years after i got sober i missed something. I changed my lifestyle, my friends, my location, my phone number, my job, almost everything but I forgot myself. Since I signed up here I've heard the term dry drunk alot. That's me. I quit drinking and drugging but I retained that mindset. I want to get messed up and forget about it any time I have a problem, and I fight it off for a while, albeit a long while, but it's inevitable. I've been resisting help because I have a hard time putting myself out there- i come here because the anonymity makes it feel safer, but even now I feel really uncomfortable. I want to do it though, I want to learn a new way of thinking and looking at life. I don't want to constantly battle myself.. to drink or not to drink
I have some pretty deep seated trust issues (also why I'm so distressed over my relationship right now)... when I open up I feel like I am giving people ammo to shoot me down with. This is the only thing holding me back- Everyone in AA or whatever program is going to be a stranger and I'm expecting that I'm going to have to open up to them. That terrifies me. If anyone has some advice and can help me with this- please do. I don't know how to get over that fear and I would like to hear some positive experiences people have had with AA or any kind of program to maybe ease my mind a little bit...? I did do about a year of one on one counseling...most of the appts I sat and stared at the wall and gave one word answers, but the more intense sessions made me so anxious I got sick.
sorry for rambling........thanks for your time
Go ask the Multivax
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
When I went to my first meeting, it was almost akin to a spiritual experience. I was mortified about going. I called the hotline, they had a woman call me and accompany me to my first meeting. That no doubt made it so much easier.
During the meeting I realized that THIS is what I've been missing all my pathetic adult life. I was home, I had my family.
At the end when they held hands and had a moment for the still suffering alcoholic, I lost it.
I hope you have a wonderful personal experience too! Most of it's in attitude. :-)
During the meeting I realized that THIS is what I've been missing all my pathetic adult life. I was home, I had my family.
At the end when they held hands and had a moment for the still suffering alcoholic, I lost it.
I hope you have a wonderful personal experience too! Most of it's in attitude. :-)
Right Where I am Suppose to be
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 380
its there for u if u want it!!!!
I just wanted to let u know my experience of trust of ppl in AA. I have 15 months soberity but have to say i spent the first 6 months as a dry drunk. I had abuse issues in my childhood & never trusted any1.
For me i went to 4/5 meetings a week , all around travelling as far as i had to to hear different people's stories. By listening i found the Alkies i could identify with then i would watch those particular ppl, eventually i got the courage to talk to them. As they were in for a while they were only delighted to help the new comer.
From what u say & what i read of it you're ready to blame everyone else for ure issues instead of lookin at your self & TRY to do something about you. You are the only person that can fix you. You also said youve had DRY DRUNK time well your aware of it thats a start, now you need to do something about it. Have you done the suggestd things in AA they arent rules they are a way to teach you to live life. I would suggest you give AA a serious go work on step 1 ie. how powerless u are & unmanageability.
We all need help to stay sober & sane in my oponion, Living Life can be a biatch when ure head is wrecked.
I hope you find the strenght to help your self because we are all worth it, were all here because of our addictions not to judge each other you keep that in mind.
For me i went to 4/5 meetings a week , all around travelling as far as i had to to hear different people's stories. By listening i found the Alkies i could identify with then i would watch those particular ppl, eventually i got the courage to talk to them. As they were in for a while they were only delighted to help the new comer.
From what u say & what i read of it you're ready to blame everyone else for ure issues instead of lookin at your self & TRY to do something about you. You are the only person that can fix you. You also said youve had DRY DRUNK time well your aware of it thats a start, now you need to do something about it. Have you done the suggestd things in AA they arent rules they are a way to teach you to live life. I would suggest you give AA a serious go work on step 1 ie. how powerless u are & unmanageability.
We all need help to stay sober & sane in my oponion, Living Life can be a biatch when ure head is wrecked.
I hope you find the strenght to help your self because we are all worth it, were all here because of our addictions not to judge each other you keep that in mind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Sounds to me like you are still running away from yourself....and for me, whether I ran away into alcohol, AA or anything else, it was still running away.
AA has worked for me, but only because I became committed to the suggested program by which those early pioneers claimed they got and stayed sober. The PROGRAM of AA is the steps. The FELLOWSHIP is the meetings. God knows I needed the support of the AA fellowship in order to tackle those really pretty scary 12 steps....and to be "fearless and thorough from the very start."
The fellowshp supported me. But the STEPS changed me, and it was ME who needed to change. I needed to get inside myself, rather than looking for hugs and validation from the outside. It was not fun. But it did work for me.
I''ve encountered many people who have been abstinent in AA for considerable lengths of time and who probably, if they were as honest as you've been, would admit that they're "missing" something.
AA is a "suggested" program, but once I decide to use it, I'm well advised to do it exactly the way it's layed out in the Big Book....as soon as I start making exceptions and modifications, it is no longer the program of AA. It is MY "softer easier way."
I'm convinced that AA seldom fails, but those who refuse to actually do the work, fail. Meeting makers make meetings, but they may not be able to continue for very long without doing the Steps.
blessings
zbear
AA has worked for me, but only because I became committed to the suggested program by which those early pioneers claimed they got and stayed sober. The PROGRAM of AA is the steps. The FELLOWSHIP is the meetings. God knows I needed the support of the AA fellowship in order to tackle those really pretty scary 12 steps....and to be "fearless and thorough from the very start."
The fellowshp supported me. But the STEPS changed me, and it was ME who needed to change. I needed to get inside myself, rather than looking for hugs and validation from the outside. It was not fun. But it did work for me.
I''ve encountered many people who have been abstinent in AA for considerable lengths of time and who probably, if they were as honest as you've been, would admit that they're "missing" something.
AA is a "suggested" program, but once I decide to use it, I'm well advised to do it exactly the way it's layed out in the Big Book....as soon as I start making exceptions and modifications, it is no longer the program of AA. It is MY "softer easier way."
I'm convinced that AA seldom fails, but those who refuse to actually do the work, fail. Meeting makers make meetings, but they may not be able to continue for very long without doing the Steps.
blessings
zbear
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 88
sampar thanks for responding... im just wondering why you think im trying to blame anyone else? i did say that i was bringing it on myself. i just wanted to give people an idea of where i am right now. i've been dealing with a lot and at first "staying quit" was easy for me but when i started feeling overwhelmed with my fiance's health issues and other issues I started to want to turn back to my old pattern of medicating. I'm not trying to blame him or anyone else...I know that it's on me.
but anywayy.. i wasnt aware that you could go and just sit in until you felt comfortable. ill definitely give it a try.......
but anywayy.. i wasnt aware that you could go and just sit in until you felt comfortable. ill definitely give it a try.......
Right Where I am Suppose to be
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 380
"My fiance has had a habit in the past of being extremely selfish but he has really straightened himself out....then his padre SERIOUSLY screwed us over and I'm blaming him."
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has followed our path.Those who do not recover are ppl who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple programme, usually men & women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with with selves" Big Book of AA chapter 5 how it works. have a look @ it,once your being honest ure on the right path
"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has followed our path.Those who do not recover are ppl who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple programme, usually men & women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with with selves" Big Book of AA chapter 5 how it works. have a look @ it,once your being honest ure on the right path
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by armaviva 
I have some pretty deep seated trust issues (also why I'm so distressed over my relationship right now)... when I open up I feel like I am giving people ammo to shoot me down with...
This is why it so important to do a Fears inventory. One of the columns is "We asked ourselves why we had them". When we put them down on paper and discuss them with a sponsor it is a tremendous release from the delusions that keep us in bondage..
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Hi Armaviva,
I'm glad that you are aware you feel a relapse could be coming on and are reaching out for support.
I hope you do whatever it takes to stay sober and to begin to feel you are recovering rather than just stopping drinking. For me, I HAD to find a spiritual connection in my life to give me the purpose I needed. During my drinking years, I had become completely lost. I found a path that works for me and had I not found it, I know I would not be recovering today.
I'm glad that you are aware you feel a relapse could be coming on and are reaching out for support.
I hope you do whatever it takes to stay sober and to begin to feel you are recovering rather than just stopping drinking. For me, I HAD to find a spiritual connection in my life to give me the purpose I needed. During my drinking years, I had become completely lost. I found a path that works for me and had I not found it, I know I would not be recovering today.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Yes, I do love living the AA Steps
they gave me a different perception
"a design for living" purpose directed ...joy filled...
Each day I set aside a specific time for prayer.
It's this connection that keeps me in balance
regardless of any situations ....
Prayers going out for you and your fiance ...
Sorry to know of this situation.
they gave me a different perception
"a design for living" purpose directed ...joy filled...
Each day I set aside a specific time for prayer.
It's this connection that keeps me in balance
regardless of any situations ....
Prayers going out for you and your fiance ...
Sorry to know of this situation.
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