Coming Clean
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Coming Clean
For a long time, I have said that I really don't have an alcohol problem, I can "control" my drinking, drink "socially" if I so choose. I am a binge drinker, that is not normal drinking. While I can go out and have a couple of beers without getting hammered, it also seems to "give me permission" to have the occasional binge.
As recently as 6 months ago, I was binging on 2/3 to a full liter of rum or whiskey, 3 or more nights a week. In September my doctor perscribed me Naltrexone, which has helped greatly with the regular binging. However, it did not stop. It has slowed greatly, but I still do it. I don't talk about that much here, but it's still a problem.
The Saturday before Valentines Day, I felt that it would be a good idea to drown my lonleness in a bottle of rum. I was alone, which is always a trigger for me, kinda a "cat's away" thing. I drank alot, at least a liter of rum, and felt like absolute $hit at work the next day. It lead me to really take a hard look at things. Sure, maybe I can have the occasional glass of wine or beer and be OK, but it's not like I really enjoy it that much anyway. I am doing it more for others around me, to "fit in", than for any benifit to myself. The fact is, I am a person with a substance abuse problem. Marajuana is my DOC, and I have been clean from it for about 9 months now, the longest time in my life, and I'm 41.
So if "social drinking" is not of any real benifit to me, and binge drinking is definately bad, why do I keep fighting it?? I give up. I'm done fighting. I'm not going to drink socially, and I'm not going to binge. It's the same point I finally reached with the pot, but I guess it just took a little longer for me to "get it" with the booze. I've done a CBA on my drinking and while I can find a long list of reasons not to drink, I can only find one to keep doing it, to "fit in". That is stupid. That just doesn't hold up for me. I'm done.
Just like with the pot, it's not like everyone hasn't told me that this was what I needed to do. Of course I've said I'd quit many times before, but I always held on to the "social" drinking thing because I could do it, but I always binged too. I don't know exactly why quitting the pot "stuck" thing time, I've quit that hundereds of times, only to go back after a day, a week, at the most a month. The only thing I can think of is that I made the decision for myself. Nobody told me I had to, I wasn't in trouble, I just decided that I didn't want to continue to live my life that way. I think I'm in a similar place with the alcohol. The only reason I'm posting about it here is that I feel as though I've been dishonest in this forum about my sobriety, and for that I apoligize.
Time will tell if I really stick to it, but if I don't, I will be honest about it here. It's not helping me and certainly not helping anyone else to claim I don't have a problem that I clearly do have. So that's it. 9 months clean and about a week and a half sober. Not all better but getting better. Take care.
As recently as 6 months ago, I was binging on 2/3 to a full liter of rum or whiskey, 3 or more nights a week. In September my doctor perscribed me Naltrexone, which has helped greatly with the regular binging. However, it did not stop. It has slowed greatly, but I still do it. I don't talk about that much here, but it's still a problem.
The Saturday before Valentines Day, I felt that it would be a good idea to drown my lonleness in a bottle of rum. I was alone, which is always a trigger for me, kinda a "cat's away" thing. I drank alot, at least a liter of rum, and felt like absolute $hit at work the next day. It lead me to really take a hard look at things. Sure, maybe I can have the occasional glass of wine or beer and be OK, but it's not like I really enjoy it that much anyway. I am doing it more for others around me, to "fit in", than for any benifit to myself. The fact is, I am a person with a substance abuse problem. Marajuana is my DOC, and I have been clean from it for about 9 months now, the longest time in my life, and I'm 41.
So if "social drinking" is not of any real benifit to me, and binge drinking is definately bad, why do I keep fighting it?? I give up. I'm done fighting. I'm not going to drink socially, and I'm not going to binge. It's the same point I finally reached with the pot, but I guess it just took a little longer for me to "get it" with the booze. I've done a CBA on my drinking and while I can find a long list of reasons not to drink, I can only find one to keep doing it, to "fit in". That is stupid. That just doesn't hold up for me. I'm done.
Just like with the pot, it's not like everyone hasn't told me that this was what I needed to do. Of course I've said I'd quit many times before, but I always held on to the "social" drinking thing because I could do it, but I always binged too. I don't know exactly why quitting the pot "stuck" thing time, I've quit that hundereds of times, only to go back after a day, a week, at the most a month. The only thing I can think of is that I made the decision for myself. Nobody told me I had to, I wasn't in trouble, I just decided that I didn't want to continue to live my life that way. I think I'm in a similar place with the alcohol. The only reason I'm posting about it here is that I feel as though I've been dishonest in this forum about my sobriety, and for that I apoligize.
Time will tell if I really stick to it, but if I don't, I will be honest about it here. It's not helping me and certainly not helping anyone else to claim I don't have a problem that I clearly do have. So that's it. 9 months clean and about a week and a half sober. Not all better but getting better. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 694
I can relate Tyler,
I went out with a few old friends and we drank a lot, these are friends I used to pass out with.
When they wanted to quit i was just getting started, and when we only have a "few" i would have rather not had any at all, if i cant keep drinking.
Times have changed, I too smoked lots of pot and other drugs, booze though is harder to stop for some reason...
I went out with a few old friends and we drank a lot, these are friends I used to pass out with.
When they wanted to quit i was just getting started, and when we only have a "few" i would have rather not had any at all, if i cant keep drinking.
Times have changed, I too smoked lots of pot and other drugs, booze though is harder to stop for some reason...
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
I'm glad that you realized that you have a problem now before things get worse. Many people think that to be an Alcoholic, you have to drink every day, have had DUI's, lost jobs, etc. But that's the furthest things from the truth.
You mentioned that you had a problem with pot and you've been clean for 9 months, that's awesome! You may come to find that not drinking is a whole different "ball game" than not smoking pot. Have you ever been to any AA Meetings? I hope you'll give them a shot because you'll find a tremendous amt of support at Meetings.
I know that wasn't easy for you to share all of that with us, but that's the first step, getting honest with yourself.
God Bless,
Judy
You mentioned that you had a problem with pot and you've been clean for 9 months, that's awesome! You may come to find that not drinking is a whole different "ball game" than not smoking pot. Have you ever been to any AA Meetings? I hope you'll give them a shot because you'll find a tremendous amt of support at Meetings.
I know that wasn't easy for you to share all of that with us, but that's the first step, getting honest with yourself.
God Bless,
Judy
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Originally Posted by serenityqueen 
I'm glad that you realized that you have a problem now before things get worse. Many people think that to be an Alcoholic, you have to drink every day, have had DUI's, lost jobs, etc. But that's the furthest things from the truth.
You mentioned that you had a problem with pot and you've been clean for 9 months, that's awesome! You may come to find that not drinking is a whole different "ball game" than not smoking pot. Have you ever been to any AA Meetings? I hope you'll give them a shot because you'll find a tremendous amt of support at Meetings.
I know that wasn't easy for you to share all of that with us, but that's the first step, getting honest with yourself.
God Bless,
Judy
You mentioned that you had a problem with pot and you've been clean for 9 months, that's awesome! You may come to find that not drinking is a whole different "ball game" than not smoking pot. Have you ever been to any AA Meetings? I hope you'll give them a shot because you'll find a tremendous amt of support at Meetings.
I know that wasn't easy for you to share all of that with us, but that's the first step, getting honest with yourself.
God Bless,
Judy
As far as the pot went, it was my primary addiction and by far the worst. The hardest thing about quitting the booze is it's legality. I'm fortunate that I don't live in a state with legalized marajuana. I'm not saying quitting the booze is gonna be easy, but the pot was by far my biggest battle.
As for AA, I've been to many AA and NA meetings, but it's just not my thing, and that is ok. I have plenty of support here, help with my theripist, as well as knowlege gained from a variety of sources, including AA.
Thanks for all the replies, I do appreciate it, gotta stick and stay.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Well you had a lot of people fooled here man...i remember reading a post, not so long ago, saying that the poster respected your sobriety!!!
Good luck with the stopping drinking, stick around here and stay honest with yourself and everyone else, hope this is your time:-)
Good luck with the stopping drinking, stick around here and stay honest with yourself and everyone else, hope this is your time:-)
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Originally Posted by yeahgr8
Well you had a lot of people fooled here man...i remember reading a post, not so long ago, saying that the poster respected your sobriety!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by tyler
The Saturday before Valentines Day, I felt that it would be a good idea to drown my lonleness in a bottle of rum. I was alone, which is always a trigger for me, kinda a "cat's away" thing. I drank alot, at least a liter of rum, and felt like absolute $hit at work the next day. It lead me to really take a hard look at things. Sure, maybe I can have the occasional glass of wine or beer and be OK, but it's not like I really enjoy it that much anyway. I am doing it more for others around me, to "fit in", than for any benifit to myself. The fact is, I am a person with a substance abuse problem. Marajuana is my DOC, and I have been clean from it for about 9 months now, the longest time in my life, and I'm 41.
What are you trying to say here? Do you have a problem with alcohol? It's not clear to me what you think. Look at the paragraph I quoted above... It seems you are contradicting yourself... and rationalizing and justifying a bit?
Or do I read it wrong?
BTW... You didn't hurt anyone... and that's kind of besides the point... you don't have that power anyway. And besides, I think you participate in a meaningful way here on SR, while you have not been transparent, neither have you been dishonest, at least with us... But maybe you have been with yourself.
Peace
Mark
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
tyler... i read your posts alot..so it was always clear to me that you were clean from drugs...not alchohol.... you seemed honest about that to me.
you know..it takes what it takes for us to realize we have a problem..no shame in that....
I often don't think my time off drugs matters, cause i've had trouble staying sober the last 25 years....and yes...i wasn't "clean and sober" the last 25...but...i've had a number of people tell me that it's a major miricle i haven't done an illegal drug or abused a medication in 25 years...speed was always my first love...alchohol was just easier and seemed to have less concequences...
Anyhow...blad you are making this decision...follow what has worked for you in the past, and utilize all the tools you can find
you know..it takes what it takes for us to realize we have a problem..no shame in that....
I often don't think my time off drugs matters, cause i've had trouble staying sober the last 25 years....and yes...i wasn't "clean and sober" the last 25...but...i've had a number of people tell me that it's a major miricle i haven't done an illegal drug or abused a medication in 25 years...speed was always my first love...alchohol was just easier and seemed to have less concequences...
Anyhow...blad you are making this decision...follow what has worked for you in the past, and utilize all the tools you can find
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi Tyler
You have taken a big step in being honest about how are you doing.
For me recovery has been a journey and it has taken time to get places where I needed to be.
Giving up the first D.O.C as you call it was easier (??? can't think of a better word) because it was obvious. In my case the first substance was food.
The alcohol was always a problem but most of the time I had a lot of control over it and this convinced me that I didn't need to give it up as I was not as powerless over it as I was the first D.O.C.
As time went on in my recovery journey the problem with alcohol just got bigger and bigger until I crossed the line from being a problem drinker to being an alcoholic. I still didn't drink everday but I was still an alcoholic.
What I have learned is that all substances that I use, I use because of the same problem.
Giving up one just means another will become rampant in my life and left, will end up just as much as a problem as the first. For me the problem was this huge great spiritual void of neediness and lacking which drove me to fill it with anything I could get my hands on - food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, relationships, approval, hoarding. I just needed, needed, needed all the time.
My solution now is a simple one. Fill the void with God and I no longer need anything.
You say that you are gettting support and help and using a therapist. I hope you explore why you "use" whatever it is. I think you are in denial if you think you drink to "fit in". Drinking a litre of rum on your own is not because you need to fit in.
You don't say you are an alcoholic, only that you are a problem drinker. Ending up in ER and getting the DTs is not a sign of a problem drinker. I found that it was crucial in my recovery to admit I was an alcoholic because that means that I accept I can never, ever drink again.
Rather than time will tell, can you answer the question - Are you an alcoholic?
You have taken a big step in being honest about how are you doing.
For me recovery has been a journey and it has taken time to get places where I needed to be.
Giving up the first D.O.C as you call it was easier (??? can't think of a better word) because it was obvious. In my case the first substance was food.
The alcohol was always a problem but most of the time I had a lot of control over it and this convinced me that I didn't need to give it up as I was not as powerless over it as I was the first D.O.C.
As time went on in my recovery journey the problem with alcohol just got bigger and bigger until I crossed the line from being a problem drinker to being an alcoholic. I still didn't drink everday but I was still an alcoholic.
What I have learned is that all substances that I use, I use because of the same problem.
Giving up one just means another will become rampant in my life and left, will end up just as much as a problem as the first. For me the problem was this huge great spiritual void of neediness and lacking which drove me to fill it with anything I could get my hands on - food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping, relationships, approval, hoarding. I just needed, needed, needed all the time.
My solution now is a simple one. Fill the void with God and I no longer need anything.
You say that you are gettting support and help and using a therapist. I hope you explore why you "use" whatever it is. I think you are in denial if you think you drink to "fit in". Drinking a litre of rum on your own is not because you need to fit in.
You don't say you are an alcoholic, only that you are a problem drinker. Ending up in ER and getting the DTs is not a sign of a problem drinker. I found that it was crucial in my recovery to admit I was an alcoholic because that means that I accept I can never, ever drink again.
Originally Posted by tyler
Time will tell if I really stick to it, but if I don't, I will be honest about it here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by tyler
And that is what bothers me most. Hope I haven't hurt anyone here, but probably have. I think I need to read more and post less, at least until I truly have something to offer.
As someone else said, you don't have the power to hurt anyone else here.
Seems to me, if anything, you were rationalising stuff and lying to yourself - and I'll wager there's no one here who's not been guilty of that...
Keep posting, Tyler
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Tyler
Good for you in your honesty FOR YOUSELF and YOURSELF ONLY.
I have always enjoyed reading your posts here and seriously hope you do continue to post. Hell look at it this way your posts when you bent the truth probably helped you tremendously in looking at your problem YOURSELF. I think this would actually probably help a lot of other people in the area of honesty. Keep posting my friend. We are all human and make mistakes.
I like you take naltrexone and I know you have said you didn't follow TSM. TSM brought me to the point of racking up the AF days now. We are about the same age I am 42. The whole "fit in" peice I know what your saying. I have been in plenty of situation and not drank because I have a beleif that the bottom line when I lay my head down at night, the same people i was in company with, truly don't give a damn wether I drank or not and they really don't give damn about all the hell that comes with MY drinking and me...LOL brother I know what self induced isolation is because of drinking. I refuse to go back to hell for myself let alone for other people.
When my friends ask whats up with the cokes...I laugh and say..brother I'm getting old I can't party like I used that **** catches up.."Oh so you on a health kick eh" Yep not into any more..too old to handle it like in my 30's. I had a really good friend I recently ran into...old drinking buddy hard drinker like me. He quit cold turkey 6 months ago. He went to the doctor and had type 2 diabities. He was like yeah man I want to be around to enjoy my sons and wife. If you really think about it I dmn well know we are not old per say but we are old enough that the serious health problems can easily begin with booze a lot easier than our 20's and 30's. When I was drinking I didn't give a damn about my health...I do now and I will be damned if I am going to ruin it over a bunch of other people drinking that really don't give a damn in the end. My friends are not a bunch of hard drinker for the most part and most at our age truly repect the decision not to drink. All of them have commented how they enjoy my company more now...LOL I was like Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas...complete 180 for me. Who likes an annoying drunk? No one.
The other positive thing about your posts for YOU - you obviously know what to do, you know your problem. I see this as a good thing. Keep posting my friend.
Good for you in your honesty FOR YOUSELF and YOURSELF ONLY.
I have always enjoyed reading your posts here and seriously hope you do continue to post. Hell look at it this way your posts when you bent the truth probably helped you tremendously in looking at your problem YOURSELF. I think this would actually probably help a lot of other people in the area of honesty. Keep posting my friend. We are all human and make mistakes.
I like you take naltrexone and I know you have said you didn't follow TSM. TSM brought me to the point of racking up the AF days now. We are about the same age I am 42. The whole "fit in" peice I know what your saying. I have been in plenty of situation and not drank because I have a beleif that the bottom line when I lay my head down at night, the same people i was in company with, truly don't give a damn wether I drank or not and they really don't give damn about all the hell that comes with MY drinking and me...LOL brother I know what self induced isolation is because of drinking. I refuse to go back to hell for myself let alone for other people.
When my friends ask whats up with the cokes...I laugh and say..brother I'm getting old I can't party like I used that **** catches up.."Oh so you on a health kick eh" Yep not into any more..too old to handle it like in my 30's. I had a really good friend I recently ran into...old drinking buddy hard drinker like me. He quit cold turkey 6 months ago. He went to the doctor and had type 2 diabities. He was like yeah man I want to be around to enjoy my sons and wife. If you really think about it I dmn well know we are not old per say but we are old enough that the serious health problems can easily begin with booze a lot easier than our 20's and 30's. When I was drinking I didn't give a damn about my health...I do now and I will be damned if I am going to ruin it over a bunch of other people drinking that really don't give a damn in the end. My friends are not a bunch of hard drinker for the most part and most at our age truly repect the decision not to drink. All of them have commented how they enjoy my company more now...LOL I was like Nick Cage in Leaving Las Vegas...complete 180 for me. Who likes an annoying drunk? No one.
The other positive thing about your posts for YOU - you obviously know what to do, you know your problem. I see this as a good thing. Keep posting my friend.
Guest
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 1,262
Tyler -- that is awesome! So glad you are figuring things out.
I can relate to you on a lot of your thinking. I have wanted to quit drinking for a while now -- a year or more. But I haven't been able to let go of it and I think one of the main reasons I wanted to try to keep it up was to FIT IN SOCIALLY and NOT FEEL LIKE A MISFIT AT SOCIAL OCCASIONS and to NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M NOT DRINKING ALL THE TIME. Those are ridiculous reasons to keep drinking, as I have found out. My problem with alcohol is quite serious (even though it may not fall into the level of all out alcoholism) and would probably destroy me if I let it. So I have decided to be comfortable with myself and my decisions, TRUST MYSELF, and to say f*ck the whole idea of trying to fit in with social conventions and do what is right for ME. It's fine to sip on a glass of cranberry juice, a diet coke, fizzy water with lemon, etc. while others drink alcohol. And it took me a while to feel comfortable about this.
Also, I can relate to the feeling of: this has to be YOUR idea to quit, and your idea alone. I'm a very stubborn person, I like to figure things out for myself, and if I even felt one ounce of resistance to the idea of stopping drinking it's not going to work. I have to be 100% committed to it and feel like it was my own idea, my own thinking, my own conclusion.
And I hope you DO keep on posting here. Your posts are great and always a pleasure to read! See you & take care.
Laura
I can relate to you on a lot of your thinking. I have wanted to quit drinking for a while now -- a year or more. But I haven't been able to let go of it and I think one of the main reasons I wanted to try to keep it up was to FIT IN SOCIALLY and NOT FEEL LIKE A MISFIT AT SOCIAL OCCASIONS and to NOT HAVE TO EXPLAIN WHY I'M NOT DRINKING ALL THE TIME. Those are ridiculous reasons to keep drinking, as I have found out. My problem with alcohol is quite serious (even though it may not fall into the level of all out alcoholism) and would probably destroy me if I let it. So I have decided to be comfortable with myself and my decisions, TRUST MYSELF, and to say f*ck the whole idea of trying to fit in with social conventions and do what is right for ME. It's fine to sip on a glass of cranberry juice, a diet coke, fizzy water with lemon, etc. while others drink alcohol. And it took me a while to feel comfortable about this.
Also, I can relate to the feeling of: this has to be YOUR idea to quit, and your idea alone. I'm a very stubborn person, I like to figure things out for myself, and if I even felt one ounce of resistance to the idea of stopping drinking it's not going to work. I have to be 100% committed to it and feel like it was my own idea, my own thinking, my own conclusion.
And I hope you DO keep on posting here. Your posts are great and always a pleasure to read! See you & take care.
Laura
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Originally Posted by Mark75
Tyler...
What are you trying to say here? Do you have a problem with alcohol? It's not clear to me what you think. Look at the paragraph I quoted above... It seems you are contradicting yourself... and rationalizing and justifying a bit?
Or do I read it wrong?
BTW... You didn't hurt anyone... and that's kind of besides the point... you don't have that power anyway. And besides, I think you participate in a meaningful way here on SR, while you have not been transparent, neither have you been dishonest, at least with us... But maybe you have been with yourself.
Peace
Mark
What are you trying to say here? Do you have a problem with alcohol? It's not clear to me what you think. Look at the paragraph I quoted above... It seems you are contradicting yourself... and rationalizing and justifying a bit?
Or do I read it wrong?
BTW... You didn't hurt anyone... and that's kind of besides the point... you don't have that power anyway. And besides, I think you participate in a meaningful way here on SR, while you have not been transparent, neither have you been dishonest, at least with us... But maybe you have been with yourself.
Peace
Mark
Drinking for someone else seems stupid, especially if I don't even really enjoy it and it leads to more problematic drinking. That is why I've decided to eliminate all drinking. It's just not worth it.
As far as the marajuana goes, it is my primary DOC. I smoked it all day, everyday (and night) for over 20 years. I've spent hundereds of thousands of dollars on it over the years. It was the primary cause of the breakup of my marraige, loss of jobs, financial issues, etc. Alcohol has never played that kind of life encompassing role for me, which is a good thing. However, it is a problem.
I still don't identify as an alcoholic, but AA is the only program that strongly suggests that it is important to do so. While I have learned a lot from AA, I have taken what works for me and left the rest behind. That is something I've left behind. To me, it's all semantics, but that's just me.
I really, really appreciate all of the kind words and support. Yes, I was going to leave with my tail between my legs, even though I knew that probably wasn't the best thing to do. When I read all of your responses I realized I was letting my pride get the best of me and stand in the way of using a resourse that has been my rock through all of this. So thank you all. Take care everyone.
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Originally Posted by ananda
tyler... i read your posts alot..so it was always clear to me that you were clean from drugs...not alchohol.... you seemed honest about that to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 73
Tyler
Love your attitude now...yep F_K going away with your tail between your legs..
.thats the drinking guilt crap...LOL that somehow always leads to more drinking by drowing the guilt and the cycle begins.
I like you don't count the days...TSM brought me to a point after 3 months of truly not thinking about alcohol at all in repect of being a drunk...think this is what TSM meant by re-wiring...the only times is posting in this forum and a few others...but it is more on a postive aspect of hanging the shot glass up if that makes sense.
Also like you I take wht I like and need and leave the rest. Glad your attitude changed...besides I would miss your posts. No holy roller my friend just a renagade catholic but I love the saying...the last perfect human being they hung on a cross.
take care
BTW - just noticed we play on the same ocean...I am north in Delaware on the coast
Love your attitude now...yep F_K going away with your tail between your legs..
.thats the drinking guilt crap...LOL that somehow always leads to more drinking by drowing the guilt and the cycle begins.I like you don't count the days...TSM brought me to a point after 3 months of truly not thinking about alcohol at all in repect of being a drunk...think this is what TSM meant by re-wiring...the only times is posting in this forum and a few others...but it is more on a postive aspect of hanging the shot glass up if that makes sense.
Also like you I take wht I like and need and leave the rest. Glad your attitude changed...besides I would miss your posts. No holy roller my friend just a renagade catholic but I love the saying...the last perfect human being they hung on a cross.
take care
BTW - just noticed we play on the same ocean...I am north in Delaware on the coast
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