I am THIS close to drinking again - What should I do?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1,006
Thanks again for your posts guys
I can (dimly) see how to stay sober for today, and I appreciate that I need to work the steps to have those days turn into a life....but....I feel that I can't say that I'm past step 2 when I'm not. I'm stuck there.
I don't have a sponsor. That is probably something I should actively get working on. Major shyness and trust issues here.
I don't feel comfortable helping other alcoholics because I'm all mixed up, and I don't know if I would speak the truth to anyone. I can't even do that to myself! I have started volunteering in another area though.
So, this is a tenuous place to be, but this is where I am. The sponsor situation is something I should really do something about. Even as I type that, I don't feel committed in doing something about it. It was like when I was trying and trying to quit drinking and making lists and plans and lists and spreadsheets...all the declarations didn't amount to a hill of beans because I didn't want to quit.
I don't know whether I'm naturally stuck in this limbo or I'm keeping myself here because I don't want to leave here / I want to go back in the muck?
Arg...
I can (dimly) see how to stay sober for today, and I appreciate that I need to work the steps to have those days turn into a life....but....I feel that I can't say that I'm past step 2 when I'm not. I'm stuck there.
I don't have a sponsor. That is probably something I should actively get working on. Major shyness and trust issues here.
I don't feel comfortable helping other alcoholics because I'm all mixed up, and I don't know if I would speak the truth to anyone. I can't even do that to myself! I have started volunteering in another area though.
So, this is a tenuous place to be, but this is where I am. The sponsor situation is something I should really do something about. Even as I type that, I don't feel committed in doing something about it. It was like when I was trying and trying to quit drinking and making lists and plans and lists and spreadsheets...all the declarations didn't amount to a hill of beans because I didn't want to quit.
I don't know whether I'm naturally stuck in this limbo or I'm keeping myself here because I don't want to leave here / I want to go back in the muck?
Arg...
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
When the pain of continuing to do the same thing, expecting different results, gets great enough...
You see the need to do what others have done and are coming to terms with it. That's good, but to stay stuck by procrastinating about it may lead you back out to try and control your alcoholism again. Why take that chance?? If getting a sponsor and allowing them to guide you to find the spiritual solutions to your problems, that will help you to heal, wouldn't it be worth the risk to put your feelings about it aside for awhile?
You see the need to do what others have done and are coming to terms with it. That's good, but to stay stuck by procrastinating about it may lead you back out to try and control your alcoholism again. Why take that chance?? If getting a sponsor and allowing them to guide you to find the spiritual solutions to your problems, that will help you to heal, wouldn't it be worth the risk to put your feelings about it aside for awhile?
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
This has saved my recovery more than once...
"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental
defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither
he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense
must come from a Higher Power."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition,
More About Alcoholism, pg. 43~
defense against the first drink. Except in a few rare cases, neither
he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense
must come from a Higher Power."
~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition,
More About Alcoholism, pg. 43~
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Orlando, Florida
Posts: 214
I can only tell you what worked for me. I found out what didn't work for me the first time and that was not going to enough meetings. When I came back to AA, I finally made that commitment to make 90 meetings and went each day.
Not 3 days a week. 3 Days a week meant I was somewhere else the 'majority' of the week, and when things got rough, I would tend to flock where I hung out most of the time.
In my first meeting some old guy approached me. Asked if this was my first meeting. Said, 'yes sir, it is.' Told me I was the most important person in the room.
Looking around, I thought to myself 'ya got that right, pal'.
A few days later I heard him say it to someone else.
Thought to myself...'the lyin' SOB....I thought he told me "I" was the most important person in the room.'
Some loud mouth went off on me about getting a sponsor because he saw, patting me on my back at this turning point in my life would no more good. When the bus is getting ready to run someone down, it's some times better to be pushed to the curb.
So I called his bluff and told him to put his money where his mouth was and be my sponsor. Dang if he didn't say 'yes.'
Two of the biggest decisions I made early on were those commitments to make 'more meetings' that last time out, as some others have been suggesting here, and getting a sponsor.
If you are still not comfy with a perm sponsor, at least establish a temp contact for now.
Compulsions to drink or use? Knew them well. For many months in the rooms before I was released of them. I was a speedball IV user for 18 years. Been clean and sober now for 22. Had obsessive compulsions that used to eat me alive. Found out that the only thing that can replace an obsession is another obsession. But today I have a healthy obsession, that being recovery and getting involved with others, so that perhaps a few may not have to live the 'yets' some others have had to, and be enriched by what the AA program has to offer.
All you need do is ask yourself. Are you ready yet to make such a 'commitment?' When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired as I was, you will know for sure you are.
As long as more of you wishes to remain sober, than the part of you that cries out for a drink (for now), you will be okay. Just don't fall for the lie. There 'are' others who 'do' understand what you're going through and what you 'feel' inside. But your disease is trying to do its darned to get you to believe otherwise.
Good luck to you whatever you decide, may it lead you to safe harbor.
Not 3 days a week. 3 Days a week meant I was somewhere else the 'majority' of the week, and when things got rough, I would tend to flock where I hung out most of the time.
In my first meeting some old guy approached me. Asked if this was my first meeting. Said, 'yes sir, it is.' Told me I was the most important person in the room.
Looking around, I thought to myself 'ya got that right, pal'.
A few days later I heard him say it to someone else.
Thought to myself...'the lyin' SOB....I thought he told me "I" was the most important person in the room.'
Some loud mouth went off on me about getting a sponsor because he saw, patting me on my back at this turning point in my life would no more good. When the bus is getting ready to run someone down, it's some times better to be pushed to the curb.
So I called his bluff and told him to put his money where his mouth was and be my sponsor. Dang if he didn't say 'yes.'
Two of the biggest decisions I made early on were those commitments to make 'more meetings' that last time out, as some others have been suggesting here, and getting a sponsor.
If you are still not comfy with a perm sponsor, at least establish a temp contact for now.
Compulsions to drink or use? Knew them well. For many months in the rooms before I was released of them. I was a speedball IV user for 18 years. Been clean and sober now for 22. Had obsessive compulsions that used to eat me alive. Found out that the only thing that can replace an obsession is another obsession. But today I have a healthy obsession, that being recovery and getting involved with others, so that perhaps a few may not have to live the 'yets' some others have had to, and be enriched by what the AA program has to offer.
All you need do is ask yourself. Are you ready yet to make such a 'commitment?' When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired as I was, you will know for sure you are.
As long as more of you wishes to remain sober, than the part of you that cries out for a drink (for now), you will be okay. Just don't fall for the lie. There 'are' others who 'do' understand what you're going through and what you 'feel' inside. But your disease is trying to do its darned to get you to believe otherwise.
Good luck to you whatever you decide, may it lead you to safe harbor.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
i found that my driving became undeniably aggressive and irresponsible after the death of my A. I scared myself. To mix alcohol with anger isn't a good mix. Coming here and calling a support person is the best course of action until this phase passes. And it will.
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