fragileflower

Hi everyone this is my first post. I am not new to alcoholism and recovery. I've been in and out of the doors of AA for 9 years. The longest I've stayed sober is close to three years.

I began drinking again about 6 weeks ago...about 1/2 to 1 pint of vodka about 5 nights a week. I blamed stress at my work, the fact that my husband is about to lose his job, missing my family in another state....everything.

I am a closet drinker. I would mix my vodka with soda and drink it in the evenings, in front of my husband. I acted totally normal, at least I think. I have an extremely high tolerance.

Well, then the bad dreams started, and the anxiety and headaches in the morning. And sometimes blackouts of part of the night before.

Now I am afraid my husband knows. I was sitting with him and my daughter (she is 4) in the bed a few hours ago and my daughter says "something smells" and my husband says to my daugher, "you smell it too?" I said I put on some body spray. My husband says "it's not body spray". So I am afraid he is smelling alcohol coming out of my pores. I can't smell it.

I am afraid he knows and just is afraid to confront me. The last time I was drinking and he caught me, over 3 years ago, he said if I do this again he would leave me and take our daughter with him. And I was afraid he really meant it. So I stayed sober for almost 3 years, went to AA and everything. I felt ok, but still had issues with chronic anxiety and stress. My anxiety got to the point where I felt the only escape was the bottle. So here I am.

I can't do this anymore. I want to stop. But I am scared to admit to my husband what's been going on. I am afraid he will divorce me and try to get full custody of our daughter. If this happens I will DIE!

What should I do? I know I am full of lies but I just cannot risk him taking our daughter away from me. I don't want to lie anymore...but admitting to drinking I just cannot do. I am so scared. If he says I smell, what should I say? I am not sweaty and I don't smell anything. What can I do to minimize this?

I am prepared as much I can be for withdrawals. I have a prescripition for Klonopin which is a cousin of valium and other drugs they use for detox. I've been taking lots of B-complex vitamins, milk thistle, and drinking lots of water.

This board is the only place I have confessed. Today is day 1 for me. Again.
Any advice and support would be appreciated.

Thanks,
fragileflower

CarolD

Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum.....

You might be jumping the gun about your husband.
Could be your guilt and anxiety kicking in.

I really am guessing ..... I did not keep
my drinking or recovery a secret from loved ones.

I supose ...since you are unwilling to discuss this
with him.....the only way to know is to wait and see.

I hope your de tox goes smoothly.
All my best to the 3 of you....

Ceres

"I am a closet drinker. I would mix my vodka with soda and drink it in the evenings, in front of my husband. I acted totally normal, at least I think. I have an extremely high tolerance."

^
That was me.

Doesn't matter how many times you come and go. As long as you still come. Not ready to admit it all to your husband? Start going to meetings. Maybe just tell him you are going to meetings again because you're depressed. Or, just sneak to meetings. Speaking to others face-face may give some insight as to how best to approach this. It may also quell some of your anxiety.

AcceptingChange

welcome to our forum, fragileflower. You've come to a good place. Lots of us turned to drinking to handle anxiety and stress, and a mind that races. And like you, we found it doesn't solve anything, it just has a short term effect.

I don't know your situation or your husband, so my opinion is based on the few paragraphs you wrote. But, given your sincere heartbreak over your actions, and your history, i would assume that if you said to your husband "Dear, i made it for 3 years without drinking. That's a long time, right? Well, i thought i had it under control. And i started to sip just a little bit. Well, i found out that alcohol still has a hold on me, as it does with tens of millions of people. I apologize for my actions. The most important thing in the world to me is you, our daughter and our family. I'm quitting drinking, i'm going to AA, and i'm going to take actions on handling my anxiety."

Do you think that may work?

I would assume that your husband isn't looking to divorce you for a mistake that you're acknowledging and addressing. But again, i don't know your family, so this is just a thought for you to consider.

I hope you'll come back often. This is a great place to learn from the experiences of others who've been in similar situations.
Peace to you.

Fubarcdn

Welcome to SR Flower.
I have no advice concerning your husband but I think you already know that you have to stop drinking immediately before it leads you back to where you were before.
Good luck. You know you can do it.

Wolfchild

Welcome to the Sober Recovery community!
Thank you for chosing to stay sober today!!

fragileflower

Thanks everyone...I am trying not worry about my husband. Right now I have to concentrate take care of myself..and my daughter.

I have not had a drink in 18 hours. I was reading the "what to expect thread" about withdrawal and am I worried. Some pretty scary stuff. I know it is all possible. I've had a head/neck ache all day that won't go away, but otherwise I am feeling ok (praying I'll stay ok).

As I said earlier, I've been taking lots of vitamins the past few weeks...knowing that I needed to stop drinking but just wasn't ready. I also have Klonopin (like Valium, etc). Which I've been taking in the mornings and during the day. I was prescribed this for my anxiety disorder, but I know doctors/detox centers use these drugs like for detox. I am pretty sure that is why I am not feeling horrible withdrawal symptoms. (Except guilt and remorse).

I am going out of town in 4 days..to visit my sister out-of-state. I pray that I am "out of the woods" from detoxing by then. She doesn't drink, and she knows that I am a recovering alcoholic...so I know I will be safe while I stay with her.

Not sure if I'll be able to find a meeting tonight...but I am definitely going tomorrow night. And the night after...

Thanks for listening to me babble!