hkw

41 years old male and I am a chronic alcoholic. I have attempted to quit going back to age 32, so its been a decade long struggle.

The last couple years have been particularly hard - I took a job in another state and really got into a big rut. Weekends have been alcoholic benders where I go through a large bottle of Vodka like its Gatorade or something. This usually begins Friday night and goes until Sunday night. During the week its usually just wine "to help me sleep" in hotels and such.

I woke up this morning and just lied in bed until 10 am just staring at the clock so hungover I couldn't move. Finally I got out of bed and realized I simply can't do this anymore. It's a slow suicide because I know this pattern of heavy drinking will eventually kill me.

I went to a park today and just walked around, debating whether to go to the liquor store before it closed at 5pm. I was depressed as I walked around, seeing families with their kids meanwhile I have none of that. All I have had the last 10 years is Vodka bottle at my side and remote control in hand.

I spent about three hours at the park just looking at nature, wondering what the xxxx happened to me, where the time went. I can't believe I am 41, my 30s are just a blur, like a running blackout.

I have quit drinking many times before, only to return. This time it's different. I truly believe my body is telling me "quit or else". It's like a sixth sense. Anyway, I did not drink today and the anxiety is unreal right now along with a tremendous sense of guilt. People I have let down, especially myself. It is overwhelming right now. Hopefully this wave of anxiety and guilt passes sooner rather than later.

CarolD

I'm glad you found us....
Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum

It's really a wise idea to not do de tox alone.
It's a medical issue and can be dangerous.

Please read this link....

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Do keep posting...we are here to support you

Drk

My anxiety and depression while I was drinking were off the charts. And I too drank away a good 10 or 15 years of my life. After being away from alcohol cold turkey, I started feeling a sense of clam I have NEVER, NEVER in my life felt before.

Hmm, I wonder what caused so much anxiety for me all those years?

087never

good work man keep it up

hkw

Thanks all.

DRK, glad to hear this isn't just me. I almost had a panic attack walking around today. Not looking forward to going to sleep tonight, that is for sure

mirage

hkw...glad you found us and welcome! I know what you mean about your 30's being a blur. I thought that was just how time flew, but probably not. There's a lot of great people here with great advice. Hope you stick around and let us know how you're doing!
:ghug3

eastcoaster

Hi hkw!

Congrats on your decision!

What you had to say actually really spoke to me. Most of the recovering alcoholics I run into feel they had a lot to lose by continuing to drink - partners, families, careers.

Me, I'm 34 and I don't have any of that. I may never have a lot of that, and they're all things that I want. But if asked why I quit drinking it's undoubtedly because I knew that if I continued to drink I would never have the things that I want.

I've been sober for 16 months now, and it hasn't been easy. The first year of sobriety was brutal. I felt kind of like a ghost, and very lonely. I'm really glad I didn't give up, though. It gets easier all the time. I'm a very anxious person myself, and I still worry about a lot, but nowhere near the way I did when I was drinking. I love never being hungover. But most of all, I love the recognition that quitting drinking was such a hopeful decision to make. As someone who was formerly quite excellent at romanticizing despair, I didn't think I had much hope in me.

I've been going to AA, which has really worked for me. I couldn't have done it on my own, goodness knows I tried.

It's not easy, but it gets easier, and I see a light at the end of the tunnel that I didn't see before.

Good luck to you!

Dorie

Hello hkw and thank you. You took me back to some early stages of my alcoholism and to the last few months of my drinking. I wasn't homeless, but I was alone even in a room full of people. I had burnt a lot of bridges along the way and felt so less than (unworthy).

For me, my body had told me I was sick for years, but it took a mental and spiritual low to move me to ask for help. My anxiety, guilt, and shame did rule me for a little while, off and on, but it did pass. I would also call some friends (people like me) who knew what I was trying to do and let them know how I was feeling. This really helped.

I was 42 when I came to A.A. and tomorrow I'll be 48 and haven't found the need or desire to take a drink since.

Here's hoping you've found you last drink.

Hang in there!!

Dee74

Hi hkw!

yeah I missed out on my 30s too.
I don't want to miss any more decades.

Please do read the thread Carol provided and please - do think about seeing a Dr.
Keep posting!

Welcome to SR
D

Sikkisirus

Welcome to SR

c49

The anxiety of needing to keep drinks in my system and the anxiety caused by extreme drinking is something I do not miss.

Do I want to drink? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Remembering how bad those drinking anxieties were helps me stay away. Stay around!

littlebluedog

Your anxiety is temporary. Just remember, it will pass. I think my anxiety lasted for a few days, then I was just physically exhausted for about a week or two. Just remember, once it's over, you never have to go through this again. I'm so glad you've decided to quit. Please stick around and keep us posted on your progress.

Untoxicated

HKW,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. The good news is you're not alone and you've found a new family here. Sometimes I need to hear stories like yours to remind me of stories like mine (you could probably just change the main character's name).