Thoughts...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Thoughts...
October 7-10, 2009
I’m bored.
I don’t have a job or anything really to stop me from drinking.
Maybe I’m not really an alcoholic. I’m making a big deal about nothing. I’m missing out on the simple pleasures in life by being over dramatic.
I’ll just go and get a liter this time… I’ll measure out how strong I make the drinks. I’ll make it last for a week at least.
I’ll only have it at night- I won’t wake up in the mornings and drink more to rid of the hangover. I’ll not drink enough to create a hangover.
I can do it this time. I’ll prove myself wrong.
What the **** am I doing?
WHY am I driving to the liquor store?
Silent tears.
I have already decided that I’m going to drink.
There is nothing I can do to stop it now. I’m going.
I better call and see if I have money left on my card……. Only 2 dollars.
****................!
Thank God.
God prevented me from making that stupid decision.
Thank God.
…
I’ve gotta figure out a way to get a few dollars …
I just want to relax and enjoy myself.
10 dollars. Smokes, a pint…
I may as well go ahead and buy the liter. It’s only a couple dollars more. I can get the money out of my son’s piggy bank and then return the money- even more money than I took … when some money comes in.
I gotta make the drive worth it, right?
What have I become...
What are you DOING in here???? The smell is horrid. Everyone is staring at you. They all know. Don’t make eye contact.
Get out as quickly as possible.
Smoke, smoke, smoke…
Blast the radio, roll the window down… don’t allow the thoughts to make you feel bad.
ENJOY it while it lasts, because it’s gonna hurt bad later.
There it is. Sitting in front of me. Half vodka, half energy drink.
It smells horrible.
It sits there for a few minutes staring at me.
What are you DOING? DRINK it! ENJOY IT!
That tastes terrible. My tummy hurts. Where is that high?
I must drink more.
The glass is empty.
Again, half vodka half juice. Apple juice this time because it’s all I have. This tastes absolutely horrible.
But I’m feeling happy. I’m relaxing. I’m laughing and loving it.
Oh no I have to pick up my son.
‘Dad can you….. I’m not feeling well. I’m afraid I may have the flu…..’
Why is my son not with me?
What time is it?
What day is it?
How can I hide it? I’m not sick with bronchitis and the flu at home.
I’m just running out of vodka.
I have no money.
I miss my baby.
How many days have passed?
I’m shaky.
Why.
WHY.
I have to admit it. I can’t stand it anymore.
He’s not angry. He’s hurt.
He’s terrified for my health.
The shame is almost unbearable.
He only wants me to heal.
Why won’t he just be MAD at me? Why?
I feel so awful. I just want to comfort him and know that he believes me when I say I’m done this time for real....
I’m bored.
I don’t have a job or anything really to stop me from drinking.
Maybe I’m not really an alcoholic. I’m making a big deal about nothing. I’m missing out on the simple pleasures in life by being over dramatic.
I’ll just go and get a liter this time… I’ll measure out how strong I make the drinks. I’ll make it last for a week at least.
I’ll only have it at night- I won’t wake up in the mornings and drink more to rid of the hangover. I’ll not drink enough to create a hangover.
I can do it this time. I’ll prove myself wrong.
What the **** am I doing?
WHY am I driving to the liquor store?
Silent tears.
I have already decided that I’m going to drink.
There is nothing I can do to stop it now. I’m going.
I better call and see if I have money left on my card……. Only 2 dollars.
****................!
Thank God.
God prevented me from making that stupid decision.
Thank God.
…
I’ve gotta figure out a way to get a few dollars …
I just want to relax and enjoy myself.
10 dollars. Smokes, a pint…
I may as well go ahead and buy the liter. It’s only a couple dollars more. I can get the money out of my son’s piggy bank and then return the money- even more money than I took … when some money comes in.
I gotta make the drive worth it, right?
What have I become...
What are you DOING in here???? The smell is horrid. Everyone is staring at you. They all know. Don’t make eye contact.
Get out as quickly as possible.
Smoke, smoke, smoke…
Blast the radio, roll the window down… don’t allow the thoughts to make you feel bad.
ENJOY it while it lasts, because it’s gonna hurt bad later.
There it is. Sitting in front of me. Half vodka, half energy drink.
It smells horrible.
It sits there for a few minutes staring at me.
What are you DOING? DRINK it! ENJOY IT!
That tastes terrible. My tummy hurts. Where is that high?
I must drink more.
The glass is empty.
Again, half vodka half juice. Apple juice this time because it’s all I have. This tastes absolutely horrible.
But I’m feeling happy. I’m relaxing. I’m laughing and loving it.
Oh no I have to pick up my son.
‘Dad can you….. I’m not feeling well. I’m afraid I may have the flu…..’
Why is my son not with me?
What time is it?
What day is it?
How can I hide it? I’m not sick with bronchitis and the flu at home.
I’m just running out of vodka.
I have no money.
I miss my baby.
How many days have passed?
I’m shaky.
Why.
WHY.
I have to admit it. I can’t stand it anymore.
He’s not angry. He’s hurt.
He’s terrified for my health.
The shame is almost unbearable.
He only wants me to heal.
Why won’t he just be MAD at me? Why?
I feel so awful. I just want to comfort him and know that he believes me when I say I’m done this time for real....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,061
Done yet, debs? We don't shoot our wounded, and there's always a warm seat waiting for you if you have the desire. You know these things. I'm praying that you'll reach out and grab ahold.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry Deb. But thank you for that post - it put me right back there.
I wouldn't wish that on an enemy - I certainly don't wish it on you.
I hope...really hope...you find it in you to make this the last time.
Whatever you need to do, it won't be as bad as what you're going through now.
You deserve better and so does your little boy.
take care, Debs
D
I wouldn't wish that on an enemy - I certainly don't wish it on you.
I hope...really hope...you find it in you to make this the last time.
Whatever you need to do, it won't be as bad as what you're going through now.
You deserve better and so does your little boy.
take care, Debs
D
not little, a stranger no more
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: in the crowd
Posts: 410
Oh Debs, this takes me back to a time not soo long ago. You sound very desperate and at this point you also sound like you cannot do this without help. Emotionally and physically. And you know it:
I wish you all the strenght and courage and the clarity to hang on in there and make it stop for good this time. Take care,
S
Originally Posted by debs 
Every time I 'stop' I'm further down the progressive, relentless, agony that is alcoholism.
It never gets easier. Each time it gets worse.
It never gets easier. Each time it gets worse.
S
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Wow that is a great post, thanks! Hope you have written it down on paper, you want to make sure you keep that...i hope you are lucky and a big enough consequence happens to force you to make a decision soon...you will have kept a few sober for today by what you have written!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Redneck South! :)
Posts: 291
Thanks so much for your sweet replies- and for those that pm'd me. Means a helluva lot to me. I'm really sorry that I'm starting to (actually have been for awhile now) sound like a broken record.
But then I guess yall 'get it'...
It's why I'm so grateful for SR and other alcoholics.
They truly understand...
Ya know, it's funny... my brother and sister in law and I were talking openly about my alcoholism (which I instigated), and they were very honest with me in saying, 'We don't understand it. But we're TRYING to. We're praying for you, and we want you to never ever feel like you can't tell us anything.'
That was profoundly beneficial to me- they really DO care.
But NOTHING outweighs the strength you can gain from a person who truly DOES understand.... a person who is also an alcoholic.
So thank you- each and every one of you.
But then I guess yall 'get it'...
It's why I'm so grateful for SR and other alcoholics.
They truly understand...
Ya know, it's funny... my brother and sister in law and I were talking openly about my alcoholism (which I instigated), and they were very honest with me in saying, 'We don't understand it. But we're TRYING to. We're praying for you, and we want you to never ever feel like you can't tell us anything.'
That was profoundly beneficial to me- they really DO care.
But NOTHING outweighs the strength you can gain from a person who truly DOES understand.... a person who is also an alcoholic.
So thank you- each and every one of you.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: far away from the ocean
Posts: 376
Thank you for this post, debs. It's very powerful. I'm trying to come out of my relapse now and it's been rough for the past 2 months. I just hope I'll get to pick my bottom and it's already in the past.
Ocean
Ocean
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by debs
But NOTHING outweighs the strength you can gain from a person who truly DOES understand.... a person who is also an alcoholic.
You know where you can find them.... If not AA, there may be some other recovery group in your area...
Hang in there... I am hopeful for you, you are starting to sound like you've had enough. You are still willing to reach out and you express yourself well. I honestly think you can do it....
Prayers to you...
Mark
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