How I'm different
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 11
How I'm different
I used to drink 3 to 5 drinks and have fun, now I drink until I fall asleep, rarely smile when I drink. I used to have one cigar when drinking, now it's a pack of smokes. I used to weigh 170, now it's 250lbs. I used to work out daily, now I don't at all. I used to excell at my job, now I just manage to get by. I used to smile a lot, now I don't. I used to be optimistic, now I don't see the point in life sometimes.
I feel ashamed, embarressed, terrified, scared, lonely, hopeless, a lot of the time. This from a person who used to have the world at his his / her hands. It's crazy really. I wake up sometimes and I don't understand how I got here. When I control how much I drink I don't enjoy it, when I enjoy it, I can't control it and round and round I go.
I think a huge portion of my problems can be cured by simply surendering.... but still I hold on. I hold onto the memories of times that were better, more fun, happier, more successful, younger... but they're gone. Now drinking does not yeild the same results. Now it causes memory loss, weight gain, feeling unhealthy, shame, nervousness, arrogance, etc... The solution has become the problem.
I always have known I've had an issue with booze. I started counting my drinks at the age of 17. I have controlled it a various times in my life. Really lost control when I got divorced. Have been reeling ever since, trying to get it back under control. I'll be fine for a week, then go back for 2 months. Then I'll be clean for 2 weeks, then go back for six months... I am on a never ending merry go round that will only stop WHEN I DIE. I don't want to die from the disease. I have a child and one on the way. But, I myself, am a child when drinking. Self obessed, self pity, self loathing, selfish, etc... I am all of them.
So, I move forward, day #2. Still feel like **** from my last bender. But I want what a lot of you have. A clear mind.
I remember such a happier life. I know life has amazing things to offer, but you need to be awake to do them. Drinking, has taken away almost everything I hold dear. I know in another year, it will take everythign else away. Please pray for me, and others like me out there. I feel hopeless right now. I will continue to go to meetings and work the steps. I will make it this time. I have so much to live for, I just need to get out of my rutt and become active in recovery. I'll continue checking in if u don't mind...
God bless and good luck!
I feel ashamed, embarressed, terrified, scared, lonely, hopeless, a lot of the time. This from a person who used to have the world at his his / her hands. It's crazy really. I wake up sometimes and I don't understand how I got here. When I control how much I drink I don't enjoy it, when I enjoy it, I can't control it and round and round I go.
I think a huge portion of my problems can be cured by simply surendering.... but still I hold on. I hold onto the memories of times that were better, more fun, happier, more successful, younger... but they're gone. Now drinking does not yeild the same results. Now it causes memory loss, weight gain, feeling unhealthy, shame, nervousness, arrogance, etc... The solution has become the problem.
I always have known I've had an issue with booze. I started counting my drinks at the age of 17. I have controlled it a various times in my life. Really lost control when I got divorced. Have been reeling ever since, trying to get it back under control. I'll be fine for a week, then go back for 2 months. Then I'll be clean for 2 weeks, then go back for six months... I am on a never ending merry go round that will only stop WHEN I DIE. I don't want to die from the disease. I have a child and one on the way. But, I myself, am a child when drinking. Self obessed, self pity, self loathing, selfish, etc... I am all of them.
So, I move forward, day #2. Still feel like **** from my last bender. But I want what a lot of you have. A clear mind.
I remember such a happier life. I know life has amazing things to offer, but you need to be awake to do them. Drinking, has taken away almost everything I hold dear. I know in another year, it will take everythign else away. Please pray for me, and others like me out there. I feel hopeless right now. I will continue to go to meetings and work the steps. I will make it this time. I have so much to live for, I just need to get out of my rutt and become active in recovery. I'll continue checking in if u don't mind...
God bless and good luck!
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by formerdrunk 
I remember such a happier life...
In my final days of drinking it was 2% fun and 98% consequences.
I can't explain what happened except once I turned into a pickle I can never be a cucumber again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,945
Originally Posted by Boleo
Me too. In my early days of drinking it was 98% fun and 2% consequences.
In my final days of drinking it was 2% fun and 98% consequences.
I can't explain what happened except once I turned into a pickle I can never be a cucumber again.
In my final days of drinking it was 2% fun and 98% consequences.
I can't explain what happened except once I turned into a pickle I can never be a cucumber again.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
I feel hopeless right now. I will continue to go to meetings and work the steps. I will make it this time. I have so much to live for, I just need to get out of my rutt and become active in recovery.
By the way, sounds like you are getting step 1 but quit romanticizing drinking. That ship has passed. You are an alcoholic.
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
That sounds a lot like me. ...and I too am reeling at the moment from Sat night.
Just don't give up, keep posting, keep going to meetings and working the steps with a sponsor.
I honestly feel like the only control I have is to not take the first drink. It's sort of simple, yet extremely(sp?) complicated.
PS - love the reply about the pickle not being a cucumber anymore.
Kjell
Just don't give up, keep posting, keep going to meetings and working the steps with a sponsor.
I honestly feel like the only control I have is to not take the first drink. It's sort of simple, yet extremely(sp?) complicated.
PS - love the reply about the pickle not being a cucumber anymore.
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Arundel Maine
Posts: 78
Thanks for your post. It was hard for me to read, it brought me back. I can tell you that many of us have been where you are and have found a way out in AA. Give it a try, you life may depend on it. Love in sobriety, Pinetree
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Arizona
Posts: 872
Good Lord, are you sure you didn't dig up a "NoMoBeer" post from way back when I first joined SoberRecovery? I may have posted the same story... eerily similar to your post.
Reading your post it looks like you have some exposure to AA. Let me tell you, AA REALLY screwed up my drinking! A headful of AA and a belly full of beer SUCKED!
So, you are at at a point where you can make a decision. Stay in the description you outlined in your post, or move forward in recovery? Now, there are no guarantees what life will be like in recovery, but there's a pretty good chance the booze will make your existing situation worse.
If you choose the recovery path.... get to a meeting... find someone who can help you and get to work recovering. Keep doing the "next right thing" and take it one day at a time.
NMB
Reading your post it looks like you have some exposure to AA. Let me tell you, AA REALLY screwed up my drinking! A headful of AA and a belly full of beer SUCKED!
So, you are at at a point where you can make a decision. Stay in the description you outlined in your post, or move forward in recovery? Now, there are no guarantees what life will be like in recovery, but there's a pretty good chance the booze will make your existing situation worse.
If you choose the recovery path.... get to a meeting... find someone who can help you and get to work recovering. Keep doing the "next right thing" and take it one day at a time.
NMB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi again FD
I could have written your post too...it seems like yesterday sometimes, but I've been sober now for 2 and a half years give or take a week.
It is possible...if you want it...and I know you do
Please do check in as much as you like
D
I could have written your post too...it seems like yesterday sometimes, but I've been sober now for 2 and a half years give or take a week.
It is possible...if you want it...and I know you do
Please do check in as much as you like
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 11
Guys and gals, thanks so much for the post. Today is day 3, I feel much better today than I did yesterday. I am going to a meeting during lunch. It's so amazing how you all say you have similar expierences to me. Sometimes I feel like I am the only person fighting this beast. I will not drink today, no matter what. I have a lot of things going on right now that cause a lot of stress, but I know that drinking will not make them better. When I drink I loose control and life the next day becomes compeltely unmanageable.. I know this, and I need to keep remembering this. I said a prayer in the shower today. I asked god for THIS day. To keep me sober just today. So far so good. Thanks to everyone!!! I really mean it. Good luck everyone!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: up north
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by formerdrunk
I used to drink 3 to 5 drinks and have fun, now I drink until I fall asleep, rarely smile when I drink. I used to have one cigar when drinking, now it's a pack of smokes. I used to weigh 170, now it's 250lbs. I used to work out daily, now I don't at all. I used to excell at my job, now I just manage to get by. I used to smile a lot, now I don't. I used to be optimistic, now I don't see the point in life sometimes.
I feel ashamed, embarressed, terrified, scared, lonely, hopeless, a lot of the time. This from a person who used to have the world at his his / her hands. It's crazy really. I wake up sometimes and I don't understand how I got here. When I control how much I drink I don't enjoy it, when I enjoy it, I can't control it and round and round I go.
I think a huge portion of my problems can be cured by simply surendering.... but still I hold on. I hold onto the memories of times that were better, more fun, happier, more successful, younger... but they're gone. Now drinking does not yeild the same results. Now it causes memory loss, weight gain, feeling unhealthy, shame, nervousness, arrogance, etc... The solution has become the problem.
I always have known I've had an issue with booze. I started counting my drinks at the age of 17. I have controlled it a various times in my life. Really lost control when I got divorced. Have been reeling ever since, trying to get it back under control. I'll be fine for a week, then go back for 2 months. Then I'll be clean for 2 weeks, then go back for six months... I am on a never ending merry go round that will only stop WHEN I DIE. I don't want to die from the disease. I have a child and one on the way. But, I myself, am a child when drinking. Self obessed, self pity, self loathing, selfish, etc... I am all of them.
So, I move forward, day #2. Still feel like **** from my last bender. But I want what a lot of you have. A clear mind.
I remember such a happier life. I know life has amazing things to offer, but you need to be awake to do them. Drinking, has taken away almost everything I hold dear. I know in another year, it will take everythign else away. Please pray for me, and others like me out there. I feel hopeless right now. I will continue to go to meetings and work the steps. I will make it this time. I have so much to live for, I just need to get out of my rutt and become active in recovery. I'll continue checking in if u don't mind...
God bless and good luck!
I feel ashamed, embarressed, terrified, scared, lonely, hopeless, a lot of the time. This from a person who used to have the world at his his / her hands. It's crazy really. I wake up sometimes and I don't understand how I got here. When I control how much I drink I don't enjoy it, when I enjoy it, I can't control it and round and round I go.
I think a huge portion of my problems can be cured by simply surendering.... but still I hold on. I hold onto the memories of times that were better, more fun, happier, more successful, younger... but they're gone. Now drinking does not yeild the same results. Now it causes memory loss, weight gain, feeling unhealthy, shame, nervousness, arrogance, etc... The solution has become the problem.
I always have known I've had an issue with booze. I started counting my drinks at the age of 17. I have controlled it a various times in my life. Really lost control when I got divorced. Have been reeling ever since, trying to get it back under control. I'll be fine for a week, then go back for 2 months. Then I'll be clean for 2 weeks, then go back for six months... I am on a never ending merry go round that will only stop WHEN I DIE. I don't want to die from the disease. I have a child and one on the way. But, I myself, am a child when drinking. Self obessed, self pity, self loathing, selfish, etc... I am all of them.
So, I move forward, day #2. Still feel like **** from my last bender. But I want what a lot of you have. A clear mind.
I remember such a happier life. I know life has amazing things to offer, but you need to be awake to do them. Drinking, has taken away almost everything I hold dear. I know in another year, it will take everythign else away. Please pray for me, and others like me out there. I feel hopeless right now. I will continue to go to meetings and work the steps. I will make it this time. I have so much to live for, I just need to get out of my rutt and become active in recovery. I'll continue checking in if u don't mind...
God bless and good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
i enjoyed reading your post........welcome to sr.
i tried controlled drinking once...well maybe a few times.
i found it about as enjoyable as putting my wedding veg through a mangle.
jeez it was hard work.....
i found alcohol became the solution to the mental torment of living with my head when i wasnt drinking.....
in the end the problem wasnt alcohol......it was living without alcohol.
give me a bottle and some peace and im happy as a pig in muck...
my solution was gonna kill me........without booze i wanted to kill me.
cornered....catch 22.........
i found a solution in a program of recovery suggested in the book..alcoholics anonymous...
not 100s of meetings in 100s of days....a program of action written by some old chronic drunks like me.
life became livable pretty quickly.......and then blossomed into something wonderful
No cake walk..........BUT easier than my solution.
check it out and try a meeting and grab a book.
or look into other programs which ive seen work for others.
let us know how your getting on..........id be interested my friend.
i tried controlled drinking once...well maybe a few times.
i found it about as enjoyable as putting my wedding veg through a mangle.
jeez it was hard work.....
i found alcohol became the solution to the mental torment of living with my head when i wasnt drinking.....
in the end the problem wasnt alcohol......it was living without alcohol.
give me a bottle and some peace and im happy as a pig in muck...
my solution was gonna kill me........without booze i wanted to kill me.
cornered....catch 22.........
i found a solution in a program of recovery suggested in the book..alcoholics anonymous...
not 100s of meetings in 100s of days....a program of action written by some old chronic drunks like me.
life became livable pretty quickly.......and then blossomed into something wonderful
No cake walk..........BUT easier than my solution.
check it out and try a meeting and grab a book.
or look into other programs which ive seen work for others.
let us know how your getting on..........id be interested my friend.
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