H E L P -- Caving In
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Philadelphia, PA area
Posts: 335
H E L P -- Caving In
Hi - KC Here. I am caving in to the lies. I have been doing so well. On Day 17. Tonight my husband called to say he had to go out of town unexpectedly...not unusal for us. HOWEVER...he has been hesitant to go in the past because of my drinking and my "hurting myself" like falling down the stairs or out the back door. I told him to go ahead, I will be just fine. After all, I have gone 17 days.
So what do I do? Stop by the liquor store on the way home from golf and buy a bottle. I have poured the glass of chardonnay and it is sitting here on my table staring me in the face...saying Drink Me, Drink Me.
So ludicrous. I know I can beat this. I also learned that "Home Alone = Drink". Loud and Clear. That said, I don't WANT to drink, I know I can't, but I am physically FIGHTING this right now.
Arggh......I think I have won half the battle. I know I don't want to drink it, but yet, I poured it in the glass, and yet it sits here - I have not touched it. I have SOME willpower left......... just wish I could figure this all out. It must be like tobacco...the body (or the mind) physiologically needs it and won't letup till it gets it.
I am standing strong.......I just need to dump it all out and go to bed, right??
KC
So what do I do? Stop by the liquor store on the way home from golf and buy a bottle. I have poured the glass of chardonnay and it is sitting here on my table staring me in the face...saying Drink Me, Drink Me.
So ludicrous. I know I can beat this. I also learned that "Home Alone = Drink". Loud and Clear. That said, I don't WANT to drink, I know I can't, but I am physically FIGHTING this right now.
Arggh......I think I have won half the battle. I know I don't want to drink it, but yet, I poured it in the glass, and yet it sits here - I have not touched it. I have SOME willpower left......... just wish I could figure this all out. It must be like tobacco...the body (or the mind) physiologically needs it and won't letup till it gets it.
I am standing strong.......I just need to dump it all out and go to bed, right??
KC
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: It's raining again!
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It will take all your will power and then some to pour that booze down the sink and go to bed. Perhaps you can call someone or a hot line and talk it out. I'm glad you came here first to try and talk yourself out of it. If you can pour it down the sink, your a bigger person than me. You'll wake up in the morning and be glad you did or you'll wake up with a hang over. Your choice right now. Lots of people here will cheer for you if you can pour it out!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Philadelphia, PA area
Posts: 335
I poured the bottle out and threw it out the back door into the woods behind our house. The single glass of chard that I poured is still sitting here in front of me. I put it to my lips and did not drink it. But I can't pour it out. It's almost like a willpower fight between me and the glass. I want it badly, and it wants me badly, but I don't want to give in. We are having a stare down. So crazy!!!!!! WTF? Why am I testing all of my willpower?????? What the hell happened after 17 days???????? The demons have arrived. I am staying on here till I can fight it and go the hell to bed. ARRGHHH.
KC
KC
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
You can do this KC, one stinking glass puffft who wants that... that aint gonna give you that buzz your looking for 
you have already beat the devil by throwing away that bottle. Dont give in on one glass of that stuff.
Remember where that little glass has led you before. Here is one of your first posts here.
Please take care & pour put the poison
Take Care,
NB
you have already beat the devil by throwing away that bottle. Dont give in on one glass of that stuff. Remember where that little glass has led you before. Here is one of your first posts here.
Please take care & pour put the poison
Take Care,
NB
Originally Posted by KC1 
It's been awhile since I was on the site.....almost 4 months. I kept thinking I had this drinking thing under control. Well, last night I got so drunk at a charity fundraiser that my company sponsored that I was grabbing the CEO and EVP's a$$. (One male and one female). I have NO recollection of the entire night. None. And I didn't even have a hangover. I just woke up with no memory of what happened after 6:00pm last night. Yep. I wonder if I will have a job come tomorrow. If I am lucky to still have a job, I am sure it will come with a stiff warning and I deserve it. I am sure I have lost the respect of not only my bosses and co-workers, but the other attendees of the gala. I made a total fool of myself and I am so embarassed I don't know how I will show up at work tomorrow. I feel like such a loser. What do I mean FEEL like, I AM a loser.
KC
KC
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
And this was how great you were feeling on Day 5
but I keep thinking of how good I'll feel in the morning with no hangover. I keep thinking of that and it is making me NOT want to drink ...
That feeling of making another day is within your reach. You can make it one more day!
but I keep thinking of how good I'll feel in the morning with no hangover. I keep thinking of that and it is making me NOT want to drink ...
That feeling of making another day is within your reach. You can make it one more day!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Hey KC1... you know, this nightmare started when you got that call from your husband. Your alcoholism was there waiting for just this moment.
That's why there is so much talk about recovery plans... And, as such, you are following yours, you've come to SR and that's a good thing... But, it wasn't there for you when you were driving home from golf... Unless you have one of those cool iPhones or something.
I know how you feel... spouse away... yay!!... time for more adventures in alcohol (and for me) drug abuse.... I was about 2.5 months sober when my wife went away for the weekend... hmmm, that was hard, real hard... I went to more AA meetings than usual that weekend...
I hope you poured it out, whether you did or didn't almost doesn't matter... because either way this has been an excellent learning opportunity. Now you know how much more work recovery actually is....
My alcoholism is strong and it always finds a way to yank on my chain... Now, weekends alone at home are really no different than when my wife is here, but now and then, something comes out of left field....
Glad to see you here, sharing your struggles with us... I hope we can help you find what you need...
Mark
That's why there is so much talk about recovery plans... And, as such, you are following yours, you've come to SR and that's a good thing... But, it wasn't there for you when you were driving home from golf... Unless you have one of those cool iPhones or something.
I know how you feel... spouse away... yay!!... time for more adventures in alcohol (and for me) drug abuse.... I was about 2.5 months sober when my wife went away for the weekend... hmmm, that was hard, real hard... I went to more AA meetings than usual that weekend...
I hope you poured it out, whether you did or didn't almost doesn't matter... because either way this has been an excellent learning opportunity. Now you know how much more work recovery actually is....
My alcoholism is strong and it always finds a way to yank on my chain... Now, weekends alone at home are really no different than when my wife is here, but now and then, something comes out of left field....
Glad to see you here, sharing your struggles with us... I hope we can help you find what you need...
Mark
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Philadelphia, PA area
Posts: 335
Believe me...you have all helped me tremendously. Amazing things this internet thing has. NewBeginning- can't imagine nor do I want to know how you found that post from me years ago..........but it helped. You are a true friend. What kind of moster was I? And now, I have been promoted to a SENIOR LEVEL in my Bank? Good Golly!
OK folks. I am dumping the wine and going to bed. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
KC
OK folks. I am dumping the wine and going to bed. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
KC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by sunrise1
I tried to make a whole army of these little clappers, but turns out I can only use 3 images in my post! Whoops. Just imagine the army, k?
its the thought that counts sunrise 
KC1, way to go on winning the battle tonight. The more times you win the more confidence you get & look out!
Great job during tough times, you can read anyone's old posts including your own if you like (click the screen name & then click "read more posts from this member" or something like that). I go back over some of my first few posts to remind me of the hell I was going through.
Take care & glad I could be of help, made me feel good as well.
Take Care,
NB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
KC,
Wow. That's a tough one, and you did the right thing. It's rare, though. I've seen a few times where someone got as far as you did of actually cracking the bottle and still dumping it. Usually we get that far and it's too late to stop. I remember dumping a bottle once, then driving to the liquor store an hour later for another. Insane.
Even though you were successful, I think there is real danger here. You learned the lesson that you are strong enough to resist temptation. And resisting temptation rarely works for long.
In order to be happy with sobriety, I had to move past temptation. I had to not be bothered by obsession.
I know you are very early in sobriety, and sometimes the best we can do is grit our teeth and not drink. You did a wonderful job of that. But something much easier awaits if you are willing to grab it.
Wow. That's a tough one, and you did the right thing. It's rare, though. I've seen a few times where someone got as far as you did of actually cracking the bottle and still dumping it. Usually we get that far and it's too late to stop. I remember dumping a bottle once, then driving to the liquor store an hour later for another. Insane.
Even though you were successful, I think there is real danger here. You learned the lesson that you are strong enough to resist temptation. And resisting temptation rarely works for long.
In order to be happy with sobriety, I had to move past temptation. I had to not be bothered by obsession.
I know you are very early in sobriety, and sometimes the best we can do is grit our teeth and not drink. You did a wonderful job of that. But something much easier awaits if you are willing to grab it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 711
Wow, you really tested yourself! Today is 30 days for me and I am not sure that I could withstand the craving if I had a drink in front of me.
Way to go for throwing the booze out.
I know what you mean about being alone at home = drink. That was me. I still haven't been alone at home for any longer than an afternoon so far.
Way to go for throwing the booze out.
I know what you mean about being alone at home = drink. That was me. I still haven't been alone at home for any longer than an afternoon so far.
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