It seems XABF has totally transformed!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
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It seems XABF has totally transformed!
Dear all
Just yesterday I posted on another thread on SR about how it seems XABF seems to be doing really well. He lost his job about nine months before we met (drinking on the job due to the split with his ex a month before). All through our relationship he said he never felt good enough for me yet he loved me and was in love with me. He even maintained he loved me and was in love with me on the day he broke up with me.
Just last week I discovered he's working again - since about two months after our split. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I looked in his bank account today (we set it up online together while still a couple) and he has taken home three payments since Friday - totalling almost £2,000. Bearing in mind this is after tax, he must be on at least £30,000 a year. Having not worked in four years? He is a labourer and has had all sorts of jobs in the past. I didn't think labourers were paid this much though. My friend thinks it may be something dodgy, else why would he be paid three lump sums in his account in two working days.
All throughout our two years he said he never felt good enough for me. I said, nonsense, why do you think I'm still with you? Because I see you've got it in you to fight this. You've got more about you than other alcoholics. You just need to find your way back.
Stuck by him for three years - enabled him to the tune of thousands of pounds in that time - keeping a roof over his head when he was street homeless, buying him food, clothes, etc. He turns it round three months after we split and is now earning absolutely loads of money.
I don't resent him pulling back from the mess he was in. But how come he seemed to be able to do it two months into a relationship with this new girl when he couldn't do it for a woman he claimed he loved and was in love with for three years, and who gave him everything, physically, emotionally and mentally, and encourage him saying she knew he was better than the way he was acting.
On the day we broke up he did say I'd get every penny back. I regret it now but I laughed at that! I've not heard anything since. But if he's sorted himself out, do you think he's likely to remember how I helped him? I paid for hotels for him when he was on the streets, gave him a deposit to move into the house he lived in until recently.
Now I owe £11,000 - (Not all down to him but probably half of it is!)
I wish I'd never met him.
Also I've received two calls from unknown numbers. The first was at 12.30 on Saturday night. The second was today. I picked today's call up and said hello about three times but the caller hung up. Now I'm paranoid it's him as this has never happened before - specially after what happened on Saturday night. Both calls came through on my second phone - not a lot of people have that number. I always give my other number out.
So confused. Wish I'd never met him.
Just yesterday I posted on another thread on SR about how it seems XABF seems to be doing really well. He lost his job about nine months before we met (drinking on the job due to the split with his ex a month before). All through our relationship he said he never felt good enough for me yet he loved me and was in love with me. He even maintained he loved me and was in love with me on the day he broke up with me.
Just last week I discovered he's working again - since about two months after our split. I know I shouldn't have done this, but I looked in his bank account today (we set it up online together while still a couple) and he has taken home three payments since Friday - totalling almost £2,000. Bearing in mind this is after tax, he must be on at least £30,000 a year. Having not worked in four years? He is a labourer and has had all sorts of jobs in the past. I didn't think labourers were paid this much though. My friend thinks it may be something dodgy, else why would he be paid three lump sums in his account in two working days.
All throughout our two years he said he never felt good enough for me. I said, nonsense, why do you think I'm still with you? Because I see you've got it in you to fight this. You've got more about you than other alcoholics. You just need to find your way back.
Stuck by him for three years - enabled him to the tune of thousands of pounds in that time - keeping a roof over his head when he was street homeless, buying him food, clothes, etc. He turns it round three months after we split and is now earning absolutely loads of money.
I don't resent him pulling back from the mess he was in. But how come he seemed to be able to do it two months into a relationship with this new girl when he couldn't do it for a woman he claimed he loved and was in love with for three years, and who gave him everything, physically, emotionally and mentally, and encourage him saying she knew he was better than the way he was acting.
On the day we broke up he did say I'd get every penny back. I regret it now but I laughed at that! I've not heard anything since. But if he's sorted himself out, do you think he's likely to remember how I helped him? I paid for hotels for him when he was on the streets, gave him a deposit to move into the house he lived in until recently.
Now I owe £11,000 - (Not all down to him but probably half of it is!)
I wish I'd never met him.
Also I've received two calls from unknown numbers. The first was at 12.30 on Saturday night. The second was today. I picked today's call up and said hello about three times but the caller hung up. Now I'm paranoid it's him as this has never happened before - specially after what happened on Saturday night. Both calls came through on my second phone - not a lot of people have that number. I always give my other number out.
So confused. Wish I'd never met him.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by sclarke64448 
...My friend thinks it may be something dodgy...
You need someone to help you make decisions for awhile. Have you tried any support groups yet?
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
But how come he seemed to be able to do it two months into a relationship with this new girl
You answered your own question about why he couldn't do it before when you stated:
a woman he claimed he loved and was in love with for three years, and who gave him everything, physically, emotionally and mentally, and encourage him saying she knew he was better than the way he was acting.
With you, he didn't have to do anything for himself. You took care of all his needs and responsibilities. Now he is finally acting like a responsible adult.
Will he pay you back? Did you tell him that your financial support was a loan to be repaid?
Stop beating yourself up. You can't change the past, but you can learn the lessons and move forward. Put down the magnifying glass and stop focusing on him. Pick up the mirror and start focusing on you. You're more than this relationship, you're a lot more!
You answered your own question about why he couldn't do it before when you stated:
a woman he claimed he loved and was in love with for three years, and who gave him everything, physically, emotionally and mentally, and encourage him saying she knew he was better than the way he was acting.
With you, he didn't have to do anything for himself. You took care of all his needs and responsibilities. Now he is finally acting like a responsible adult.
Will he pay you back? Did you tell him that your financial support was a loan to be repaid?
Stop beating yourself up. You can't change the past, but you can learn the lessons and move forward. Put down the magnifying glass and stop focusing on him. Pick up the mirror and start focusing on you. You're more than this relationship, you're a lot more!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Posts: 145
Hey Pelican
Yeah he knew I couldn't really afford it. On the day he broke up with me he said I'd done so much for him in the beginning of the relationship that we were both now paying for it as I couldn't afford to move in with him 30 miles from home and pay the petrol to and from work every day. He looked me in the eye and told me I'd get everything back. He said it very many times throughout the relationship too. And he said: "Whatever happens between us, I'll never forget how you supported me when I was homeless, etc, and everything you've done for me".
Now he is sorting it, I wonder if he will remember :-(
Yeah he knew I couldn't really afford it. On the day he broke up with me he said I'd done so much for him in the beginning of the relationship that we were both now paying for it as I couldn't afford to move in with him 30 miles from home and pay the petrol to and from work every day. He looked me in the eye and told me I'd get everything back. He said it very many times throughout the relationship too. And he said: "Whatever happens between us, I'll never forget how you supported me when I was homeless, etc, and everything you've done for me".
Now he is sorting it, I wonder if he will remember :-(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Hey Boleo thanks for your reply. I am attending Al Anon and finding it really useful, am also attending AA in a bid to learn about the mind of an alcoholic too. I just wish I'd stood firmer with him. Everything I invested in him it was because I genuinely believed in him. He is a bright guy and I did believe that if he believed in himself he'd make headway on getting his life back together. It seems all my faith in him has been forgotten :-(
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by sclarke64448
Hey Pelican
Yeah he knew I couldn't really afford it. On the day he broke up with me he said I'd done so much for him in the beginning of the relationship that we were both now paying for it as I couldn't afford to move in with him 30 miles from home and pay the petrol to and from work every day. He looked me in the eye and told me I'd get everything back. He said it very many times throughout the relationship too. And he said: "Whatever happens between us, I'll never forget how you supported me when I was homeless, etc, and everything you've done for me".
Now he is sorting it, I wonder if he will remember :-(
Yeah he knew I couldn't really afford it. On the day he broke up with me he said I'd done so much for him in the beginning of the relationship that we were both now paying for it as I couldn't afford to move in with him 30 miles from home and pay the petrol to and from work every day. He looked me in the eye and told me I'd get everything back. He said it very many times throughout the relationship too. And he said: "Whatever happens between us, I'll never forget how you supported me when I was homeless, etc, and everything you've done for me".
Now he is sorting it, I wonder if he will remember :-(
Is he still drinking/using?
When I was active in my addiction, I would have looked you in the eye and said the same thing. I would do it to keep you hooked. I would never admit to myself or you that I was deceiving you and offering empty promises. I did whatever I needed to protect my world of enabling.
I hope that he is recovering. I hope that he will remember your aide and repay you every penny plus. I hope that and more for you and every addict out there!
But here's my reality. My rent is due. My paycheck won't cover the rent. My RAxH owes Child Support and Alimony today. When I asked if he would be able to pay me, he said "some". I can't take "some" to the bank, can I? He promised me he would pay me back for all the debt he incurred/forged in my name while we were married. He never did. Kept increasing my debt load. That was my fantasy. This is my reality: I got a judge to make sure he keeps his promise.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Originally Posted by sclarke64448
I am attending Al Anon and finding it really useful, ...
Originally Posted by sclarke64448
...am also attending AA in a bid to learn about the mind of an alcoholic too...
Originally Posted by sclarke64448
Everything I invested in him it was because I genuinely believed in him.
My wife met me when I was sober. She reminds me that she can do with or without me. She is a complete whole person... a stand alone entity. And she expects no less from me. From time to time one may carry the other for support a bit, till the sick one gets back on their feet. But if it's a one way deal it's a sick relationship and bound to fail in resentment. If it was me, I'd cut my losses and move on.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Hi Pelican
I know he'll remember it - for the first 18 months we were together he had no-one - no family, no friends, we were very much on our own. I don't think he'll ever forget it. I do wonder if he's kicked me out of his life because he wants to forget the whole sorry episode.
I don't know if he's still active or not. I haven't had any contact with him since June 19th when he was absolutely lovely on the phone and said he'd see me the next morning - since then, one text on July 31st when he threatened me.
All I know is this is his first attempt to give up. He is a daily drinker (or was!) Not a single day went by when I didn't see him drink. If he was awake at 4am, he'd open a can before 4.30am. I paid for him to go to an Allen Carr clinic - which he went to in April. (He wanted to go - or so he said!) He was there all day and when he came out, his non-drinking probably lasted about three or four days. He was booked in for a free back-up session at the end of May. He didn't go, switched his phone off, and that's the first time I knew something was wrong between him and me. He didn't want to see me as he felt disappointed in himself. Two days later he finished with me. Over the next two weeks he didn't want to finish with me, then he did, then he didn't, then he did. The last time I saw him in early June he wanted 'time and space'. Then he rang me a few times and we laughed and chatted as friends. Then no contact, since then one threatening message.
You could see why I'm so confused. This is a guy I was with for three years and apart from finishing with me every now and again (he always came back) we never argued and his mood was fairly constant - never argumentative or abusive or threatening.
:wtf2
I know he'll remember it - for the first 18 months we were together he had no-one - no family, no friends, we were very much on our own. I don't think he'll ever forget it. I do wonder if he's kicked me out of his life because he wants to forget the whole sorry episode.
I don't know if he's still active or not. I haven't had any contact with him since June 19th when he was absolutely lovely on the phone and said he'd see me the next morning - since then, one text on July 31st when he threatened me.
All I know is this is his first attempt to give up. He is a daily drinker (or was!) Not a single day went by when I didn't see him drink. If he was awake at 4am, he'd open a can before 4.30am. I paid for him to go to an Allen Carr clinic - which he went to in April. (He wanted to go - or so he said!) He was there all day and when he came out, his non-drinking probably lasted about three or four days. He was booked in for a free back-up session at the end of May. He didn't go, switched his phone off, and that's the first time I knew something was wrong between him and me. He didn't want to see me as he felt disappointed in himself. Two days later he finished with me. Over the next two weeks he didn't want to finish with me, then he did, then he didn't, then he did. The last time I saw him in early June he wanted 'time and space'. Then he rang me a few times and we laughed and chatted as friends. Then no contact, since then one threatening message.
You could see why I'm so confused. This is a guy I was with for three years and apart from finishing with me every now and again (he always came back) we never argued and his mood was fairly constant - never argumentative or abusive or threatening.
:wtf2
Disposable Hero
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Being, ME
Posts: 3,758
i am wondering how anything he is doing is any of your business,
since the two of you are no longer involved in a real relationship?
Unless you want to perpetuate the drama; you could accept what
has happened, make effort to protect yourself, and live for today.
What is past is past, and that's probably where it should be left.
i hope that you find the strength to freely move on with your life.
since the two of you are no longer involved in a real relationship?
Unless you want to perpetuate the drama; you could accept what
has happened, make effort to protect yourself, and live for today.
What is past is past, and that's probably where it should be left.
i hope that you find the strength to freely move on with your life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Thank you Wolfchild. You're absolutely right. It has nothing to do with me I know. I guess I'm just slow on the uptake - I need closure but instead of trying to find it from within I'm hoping I'll still get it from him.
I know you're right and I am (slowly but surely) working on my own issues. Unfortunately I'm doing that while still keeping tabs on him and I know it's slowing the recovery. It's almost as though if I know what he's up to, it's going to give me a clue as to why he did what he did - of course that's ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. Yet I still hold out for something - what? I don't know!
I know you're right and I am (slowly but surely) working on my own issues. Unfortunately I'm doing that while still keeping tabs on him and I know it's slowing the recovery. It's almost as though if I know what he's up to, it's going to give me a clue as to why he did what he did - of course that's ridiculous. I know it's ridiculous. Yet I still hold out for something - what? I don't know!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I would learn a lesson from this and move on, but DO learn a lesson or else you might find yourself in the same position in another few years with the next guy?!
I can't see any point in you doing things like going to AA to learn about alcoholism unless you are going to be a serial alcoholic, recovering or not, dater;-)
Hope you get the help you need to put this in your past asap:-)
I can't see any point in you doing things like going to AA to learn about alcoholism unless you are going to be a serial alcoholic, recovering or not, dater;-)
Hope you get the help you need to put this in your past asap:-)
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I seriously doubt those deposits are from a legal source.
Before you do anything else....
Get that dual account out of your name
You can lose any money of your own if you do
not separate your account from him
Those calls? He may have given your number to someone
involved in illegal activities. They are now looking for him.
Please please get realistic ...protect your money
Change both of your phones.
Before you do anything else....
Get that dual account out of your name
You can lose any money of your own if you do
not separate your account from him
Those calls? He may have given your number to someone
involved in illegal activities. They are now looking for him.
Please please get realistic ...protect your money
Change both of your phones.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
CarolD has solid advice!
I have gone to AA too, eventhough I am not an alcoholic. For a non-alcoholic person it helps to know how powerless you are and helps re affirm your experience next to an alcoholic, when the alcoholic, his/her family and friends are in deep denial.
Wonderful set of people in AA...
sclarke keep moving forward!
I have gone to AA too, eventhough I am not an alcoholic. For a non-alcoholic person it helps to know how powerless you are and helps re affirm your experience next to an alcoholic, when the alcoholic, his/her family and friends are in deep denial.
Wonderful set of people in AA...
sclarke keep moving forward!
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
Originally Posted by Pelican
But how come he seemed to be able to do it two months into a relationship with this new girl
You answered your own question about why he couldn't do it before when you stated:
a woman he claimed he loved and was in love with for three years, and who gave him everything, physically, emotionally and mentally, and encourage him saying she knew he was better than the way he was acting.
With you, he didn't have to do anything for himself. You took care of all his needs and responsibilities. Now he is finally acting like a responsible adult.
You answered your own question about why he couldn't do it before when you stated:
a woman he claimed he loved and was in love with for three years, and who gave him everything, physically, emotionally and mentally, and encourage him saying she knew he was better than the way he was acting.
With you, he didn't have to do anything for himself. You took care of all his needs and responsibilities. Now he is finally acting like a responsible adult.
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