Can the brewmaster and the alcoholic be friends?
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Can the brewmaster and the alcoholic be friends?
That's the question Cary Tennis answers in this advice column which appears several times a week on Salon. Cary is a recovering alcoholic as well, and his columns often feature themes of addiction, relationships, and vague dissatisfaction. Just an FYI if you haven't heard of him.
What do you think?
LINK <<
Here's an excerpt:
What do you think?
LINK <<
Here's an excerpt:
Originally Posted by Cary Tennis
Alcoholics have to live in this world the way it is. If she wants to drink she will find something to drink.
You can't stop her and and you are not responsible for her. This is a stark, incontrovertible fact. It is not a fact that we are taught in school. It is the kind of thing you learn by hearing alcoholics tell of the lengths they have gone to, the things they have stolen, the windows they have broken, the houses they have broken into, the hiding places they have found, the sacrifices they have made, the appointments they have blown off and the relationships they have destroyed, the jobs they have lost and the bands they have quit and the gigs they have sabotaged and the opportunities they have passed up and the money they have squandered and the cars they have allowed to be towed away and the jewelry they have hocked and the guitars they have sold and the amplifiers they have refused to buy because more than houses, love, diamonds, food or airline travel what they required was the warm, flooding, calming, intoxicating taste of just one more martini or one more tequila. You learn this fact by sitting night after night in substandard chairs under substandard lighting in substandard church basements listening to men and women who have come to the end of the line and teeter now on the knife's edge between obliteration and grace, and these stories become a part of you as they have become a part of me. You learn by sitting and listening and you come to know as I do that if an alcoholic doesn't want to drink then nothing will make that alcoholic drink but if she really wants to drink then no human force can come between her and catastrophe. Thus you acquire this dark but comforting certainty: No alcoholic who wants a drink will be deterred by the absence of beer at a party. No alcoholic who wants a drink will be satisfied by soft drinks with berry flavors. Likewise no alcoholic who does not want a drink will be tempted by a Niagara Falls of the finest scotch whiskey.
The alcoholic's problem is not the absence of alcohol or the presence of alcohol; her problem is that she needs protection beyond her own small capacity for self-protection; she needs a program, a method, a belief large enough to thwart the eventual, certain eruption of her cunning, baffling and powerful obsession. If she has that, she will be OK. If she does not have that, then she has no protection and any horror is possible.
You can't stop her and and you are not responsible for her. This is a stark, incontrovertible fact. It is not a fact that we are taught in school. It is the kind of thing you learn by hearing alcoholics tell of the lengths they have gone to, the things they have stolen, the windows they have broken, the houses they have broken into, the hiding places they have found, the sacrifices they have made, the appointments they have blown off and the relationships they have destroyed, the jobs they have lost and the bands they have quit and the gigs they have sabotaged and the opportunities they have passed up and the money they have squandered and the cars they have allowed to be towed away and the jewelry they have hocked and the guitars they have sold and the amplifiers they have refused to buy because more than houses, love, diamonds, food or airline travel what they required was the warm, flooding, calming, intoxicating taste of just one more martini or one more tequila. You learn this fact by sitting night after night in substandard chairs under substandard lighting in substandard church basements listening to men and women who have come to the end of the line and teeter now on the knife's edge between obliteration and grace, and these stories become a part of you as they have become a part of me. You learn by sitting and listening and you come to know as I do that if an alcoholic doesn't want to drink then nothing will make that alcoholic drink but if she really wants to drink then no human force can come between her and catastrophe. Thus you acquire this dark but comforting certainty: No alcoholic who wants a drink will be deterred by the absence of beer at a party. No alcoholic who wants a drink will be satisfied by soft drinks with berry flavors. Likewise no alcoholic who does not want a drink will be tempted by a Niagara Falls of the finest scotch whiskey.
The alcoholic's problem is not the absence of alcohol or the presence of alcohol; her problem is that she needs protection beyond her own small capacity for self-protection; she needs a program, a method, a belief large enough to thwart the eventual, certain eruption of her cunning, baffling and powerful obsession. If she has that, she will be OK. If she does not have that, then she has no protection and any horror is possible.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
I think the article is right in terms of the fact that abscence of alcohol does not make an alcoholic who wants to drink stay sober or being around alcohol if you are committed to a strong recovery program can be manageable. But I think you have to use common sense and know yourself. Some alcoholics can hang out around booze with no cravings or anything. Others may be triggered right off. Tennis oversimplifies this by speaking from only his own experience. I have friends in the program that go to crazy parties where girls all strip and stuff and they say it doesn't trigger them at all. I walk into that same situation and my heartbeat starts to fly and I have to get a drink or get out. I don't think this is indicitave of my program being weak or anything, it just triggers me in a way that it wouldn't other people. The same goes for having alcohol in the house. Accessability is an issue, especially in early sobriety. The difference between having to go to the store to buy alcy versus going into the other room can be the difference between getting loaded and talking yourself out of it or picking up the phone or whatever. The same is true of drugs as well. If I had coke or pot in the house, I doubt I would be sober right now. The fact I would have to call dealers and go through all the hoops makes it more likely a temporary craving would just pass before I could get it. I am convinced that an important aspect of successful recovery is risk management, especially early on, and that means limiting exposure. Someone I respect from AA has a rule for situations with lots of alcy/drinking: you have to a good (legitamate) reason to be there and you have to have an escape route.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by brandonlee81 
The alcoholic's problem is not the absence of alcohol or the presence of alcohol; her problem is that she needs protection beyond her own small capacity for self-protection...
I still have a thinking problem because self-determination no longer provides
me "self-protection".
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 23
what amazed me the most about the program were when the promises started coming true... i never imagined happiness without alcohol, and was never content without being around what i thought was a fun environment... after i changed my actions, (i used the 12 steps for this), and that was so painful and took longer than i would have liked, my thinking started changing... my thinking would have never changed if i hadn't changed my playgrounds, i am as sure of that as i am that the sun will rise in the morning... and now that my thinking has started to change, i no longer crave the attention i received in those bars and honkytonks... i no longer have a desire to test myself and see how strong i am... i can be happy at a bowling alley with my daughters, or i can be happy sitting at home alone watching a movie... i can go play golf without a cooler full of beer... i can sit in the upper section of a football game and watch someone puke cause he drank 3 too many beers... and i no longer have to have one myself, just because it's around me... alcohol will always be there, somewhere, but for today, God has allowed me to have a choice in the decision... i used to not have a choice.
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