BoozeFish36

Hello all,

This is probably the 10th time I have tried to exorcise this demon who has taken progressive control over my weary soul, but this time its gotta be for keeps. To know the reason why you need to know a bit about my journey through this vale of tears.

You might say I never had a chance from the beginning. I was born in the early 70's with hemophilia, a genetic defect that prevents my blood from clotting and requires treatment with human or synthetic plasma. In those bad old days there was really no such thing as a safe blood supply (in fact you could say the same about today). Long story short by the time I was 12 years old I'd picked up 3 pet virus' (HIV and Hep B and C). In those days you did not speak of such things outside of the family unless you wanted your house burned down and it was this realization that I was doomed I supposed made me susceptible to the lures of addiction and it did not help that both sides of my family were chock full of boozers and druggies.

What started as fun experimentation with friends morphed into a raging force I could not control. Alcohol was first, then pot, acid, mushrooms, opium, pills and then a tempestuous multi-year relationship with methamphetamine. It got so bad I picked up stakes and moved from my home state to Georgia, leaving behind a beautiful daughter that by the grace of God I was blessed with and was virus free. The pain of that separation accelerated my alcohol use. I’d escaped meth, but I’d found a deadlier nemesis: McCormick Vodka. In those early days I was mostly broke as I hunted for work and could only afford the cheapest stuff to dull the pain of not being with my daughter. At $3.75 a pint, it was a steal and as the stuff was having a negative effect on my relationship with my fiancé I began drinking secretly and so it began…

I have now run the full gambit: drinking in secret, drinking at work, stealing money to buy it, getting drunk to make it through family situations, drinking first thing in the morning, vomiting up food so it would not interfere with my buzz, blacking out, drunk driving, you name it. In the last month I have been drunk every day except Sunday (can’t buy alcohol on Sundays in GA).

I know now I have no choice to quit. I actually drank around my daughter when she visited me this last summer and it broke her heart because she knew I was doing it and she fears for my health (She will be 14 this December). My fiancé has repeatedly threatened to leave me, and even my co-workers know I get tanked at work from time to time. For some reason the HIV has not killed me but 30+ years of Hep C plus a good 15-20 of hard “swillin” have ravaged my liver. I have stage 3 liver disease (stage 4 is transplant or death), diabetes (I know due to drinking so much), and high blood pressure. It is a measure of how ruthless this addiction is that in face of the loss of life and loved ones I still continue to drink.

So in closing I am going to try life one last time and figured I need a little help. I tried AA and stayed sober for a week and then embarked on a 6 month bender. I want to start here first and see what happens. Today is day 1. I'm going to pick up some Kudzu after work to help with the gnawing cravings. I'll post with the results.

I’ve taken up to much forum space already but I want to end this testimony with a song lyric from a band called Tool that sums up what alcohol is. God bless you all and may you continue to trample the noon-day demon.

I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave.
I will work to elevate you, just enough to bring you down.

tommyk

Keep coming back, you're welcome here.

tkdan

Welcome to SR. This is a life or death disease. Hopefully you choose life. We are here for you, but you need to be here for yourself. AA was the only thing that worked for me. Keep posting and let us get to know you.

SoberDaze

I can understand how you feel, I've been there with the drinking. My daughter is 14, and the effects of my drinking on her make me sick now that I'm sober. AA helped me to stop drinking, as well as the obsession to drink, which is a miracle for me. My daughter is in Alateen, and loves it. In just a little over a month my family has made a change for the better.

Best of luck to you! There is a way out!

CarolD

Have you considered a medically supervised de tox?
That is the safest way to quit
please ask your doctor about what is the best
way for you to go thru withdrawals.

Glad you are here with us....Welcome....

BoozeFish36

Carol,

I had considered inpatient, but I have quite before (once I went 3 whole weeks) and the only ill effect I suffered was jonesing for a drink and sleeping like the dead making up for the sleep debt I'd accrued. I do take vitamins daily and liver supplements that detox so I have been ameliorating some of the damage. The problem is not withdrawal symptoms, its going to the incessant clarion call to get "some swill" and my trigger always starts pulling around 5:30PM (half an hour before work ends). I'm researching ways to combat this. Tried Campral and it did not work. Since big pharma screwed me with these infections in my medicine I'm going to try natural and this forum

CarolD

Hmm....About cravings ....
I think there are 2 types of cravings
perhaps a mixture?

One type is more a habit than physical.

You drive home and your car steers into your
favorite bar or package store.
You come home tired...sit in "your: chair and
want the usual comfort of a glass/can in hand.
To sleeep better...toss down a drink.

These can be avoided by changeing your routine

Drive a different route
Change the furniture around..sit in a different place.
Fix a glass of anything non alcoholic.

If you drink booze from a can...use a glass
If you did drink from a glass...use a mug

I did time my cravings in early sobriety.
Mine were 5 to 7 minutes in duration.
seemed forever...but that was false.

I took action....drank cold watter ...brushed my teeth
went for a walk...danced around the room...ate Lifesavers

Within 2 weeks they lessened both in
intensity and duration By 2 months they vanished...

I was also following an eating plan + vitamin supplements
and attending AA each morning before work.

I so hope everyone can find their way....
Recovery Really Rocks

baldjim

welcome here boozefish

like you i am/was a massive drinker i have damaged my liver

i could really do with some advice from you any chance of a contact email via pm i tried to pm you but your account has been set not to recieve pm's

thanks jim

i once had trouble doing 75 minutes without a drink i'm nearly at 75/80 days now

BoozeFish36

Baldjim,

I checked my settings and I'm open to PM's and I accepted your friend request, so try again.

sphalerite

BoozeFish, that song has struck a chord in me since the first time I heard it, years ago....

This is a wonderful place, welcome and please keep coming back.

BoozeFish36

shalerite,

The tune does resonate with me as well. Its like another lyric:

"I just want to start this over"

Would that it were that simple. I curse the day I was first introduced to this cruel mistress.

KC1

Boozefish - I am only on Day Two here, going on Day Three, but I have to agree that you need to change your routine. I got a few wine cravings this afternoon and evening and I went on a cleaning binge (you can read my post about cleaning somewhere on here). I have been eating everything I can get my hands on here, but hey - I didn't drink. Keep coming back here - even if you just read. It sure has helped me and I have been trying to quit since 2006. When I go back and read some of my older posts, it makes me sick, but it gives me more motivation. Good luck to you.

Sikkisirus

Welcome to the site