Charmie

hello folks,wasnt quite sure where to post this,but im an alcoholic in recovery,so alcoholism it is.bear with me ,long story.i have a sister (34) and she is married with 2 young children.my mother and here husband moved from scotland to england 2 yrs ago.they all bought a house together,on the understanding that a granny flat be built in the garden.its in progress so waiting for planning permission.4 yrs ago my 16 yr old daughter went to live with my sister because of my alcoholism.so the whole lot of them live together.it is not for me to call anyone else an alcoholic but after learning what i have of the illness i know now what we have suspected for many years,that unfortunatly my mum is one too.things are getting increasingly hard in my sisters household and my mums behaviour is getting irrational.she is very resentful towards my sister,the list goes on,she is still functioning but in the last 18 months things are going down hill very fast.everyone is walking on eggshells.now,,i know i have to look after myself and put my recovery first.but every day now i am getting tearful phone calls from my sister and my 16 yr old daughter,,what do i do?

Freedom1990

First of all, is there any chance your daughter could come back to live with you?

Are there Alanon meetings available where your sister is living? She needs some support for herself while dealing with your mother's alcoholism. If she can get her hands on the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty, I think she might find that helpful.

Alcoholism is a family disease, and there is a long line of alcoholism on both sides of my family.

You also might want to start posting about this in the Friends & Families of Alcoholics forum, hon. You'll get a lot of responses from caring people there.

:ghug :ghug

Charmie

thank you freedom.i will post in friends and family.i will buy the book for my sister,and probs read it myself too! its a tough one because my sister and her husband were able to get their dream home only because of my mums financial input,my mum has also just been left a heck of a lot of money,,and my sister is in awful debt.but i said to her maybe she needs to have really good think about what she wants? we remember only too well what it was like growing up and of course they have had my activity to put up with aswell.it is awful to think those beautiful children will have to go through it all.it has taken me 20 yrs to forgive my mum.this is only because of AA and the 12 step programme and i can see history repeating itself with my daughter,but,this is projecting so i try not to dwell on that.my daughter knows she can come back to me tommorow,but i live in a tiny village in the north east of scotland and she has lots of friends in the city where she lives.also my neice and nephew are like her brother and sister.but it is getting critical now.my daughter actually said today she couldnt leave my sister with my mum and she was going to end up saying something to my mum,,i told her quite clearly that this is not her responsibility,she is still considered a child,and that my sister has to take her own action.im so afraid that what happended all those yrs ago is going to happen again.yet i know im powerless.im just upset and had to get it off my chest.i have said to my sister to go to al anon and mentioned it again today to my daughter and explained about the family illness too.thank you for your input freedom,anymore would be greatly recieved.

JJB

Hi char
:ghug3
Obviously i don't really understand your situation but that doesn't mean i can't try to.
I would have thought that your family must be really impressed/pleased with the way you have turned your life around by giving up alcohol. Therefore it seems logical to me that they should contact you for help/a listening ear. You must seem like the expert to them.
I suppose you need to know from your sister and daughter whether they do want you to just be a listening ear or whether they want you to try to do something about the situation.
What does your mum think of your recovery?

Charmie

thanks jj,,they all think it is wonderful,my daughter is just delighted,my heart is breaking for her.my mum is pleased but it is getting to the stage now where her alcoholism is becoming very aparent but she is in complete denial,,,so the phone calls are thinning on the ground etc,,she may be getting to the point where shes starting to just maybe realise that i know,,you know,,if you get what i mean! the whole thing is just a mess.

JJB

Like I said I can't understand your situation completely but I'm trying to.
I remember (with great shame) when my children tried to stop me from drinking and how badly I reacted.
Now a few months on as you know I have stopped drinking.
When they wanted me to stop I couldn't (well you know how difficult it is) but with time I have
What I'm trying to say is your mum might well be trying to get her head round trying to follow your example but needs time.
You said all your family are pleased with your recovery so you could well be the way forward for your mum too
Wouldn't she come with you to a meeting?

Charmie

they are 400 miles away from me,and my mum is in denial,,i think she is still lying to herself but is at the stage where she muct be realising booze is the root of her probs,,but anyway,,thats by the by,,my prob is how to support my sis and daughter without compromising my recover,but thank you for your input jj.hugs.

Freedom1990

I had never thought of all your daughter's friends being there, and I apologize for that!

I hope you continue to tell her that it isn't her responsiblity, even if she doesn't listen.

Sometimes the only thing that I can do is keep my faith in God, and be the best that I can be in my own recovery. Things like that do show, even over a telephone.

At some point you may have to make the decision not to respond to daily calls. I know there have been periods where I've literally gone no contact with my parents because of the dysfunction and I start getting pulled in emotionally.

I must keep my recovery first and foremost, or I am of no help to anyone.

:ghug :ghug

JJB

That is definitely the most important thing to bear in mind

Charmie

thank you both for all your responses,and freedom no apology needed! yes freedom,i know what you are saying,my sister does realise how very important my recovery is and she knows i have to be quite selfish.you are right about he phone conversations,it has been a bit much today especially,and breaking a tooth and my little cat having to go to the vet hasnt helped! but anyway,the bf and i are coming to america for a whole month in 2 weeks and staying with some of my friends from sr would you believe! so i will get plenty of gun ho AA while im there too,,time to recharge! thank you again:ghug2

Freedom1990

I hope your kitty is okay! We had cat #10 show up on the welcome mat of our porch earlier this week, yes, ON the welcome mat. Tiny little thing can't be more than 6 weeks old. I've been having a lot of conversations with God this week!

I hope you and your bf have a fabulous time in America, and how exciting to be staying with SR friends!

Charmie

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!! we are coming to kansas!!!!!!!!! the pussycat is fine,,a little eye infection,she has antibiotics,my tooth however is another matter! we are coming to kansas 3rd until 7th july,we are staying with nands! then up to north dakota to see endzy!

keithj

It can be overwhelming when you finally get your life together and are able to look beyond yourself. But remember what the Big Book says, that "Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs."

That's the whole point. And it doesn't mean we get drug into someone else's drama or get walked on. Just that we have been given the power to help others.

These are the exact type of situations where I want to throw all humility out the window and think I'm important enough or in control enough to fix things. Instead of going on self-will, I pray and meditate and wait for a direction. Everytime, and I mean everytime I trust this process, things work out OK. Not always what I expect, but oftentimes better and different than I want.

Charmie

yeh,thanks keith,im not making excuses here,,i hand this over to my God all the time,and i do trust Him,i have also felt what happens to my head if i try to run the show,,but,,i had my daughter on the phone about half dozen times today and my sister 4 times,,what do i do about that?,that was my origional question.i am still very new in recovery and im trying my best,,maybe i should do what freedom suggested and just tell them that i cant take these calls??? im trying to help and im being a shoulder to cry on and trying to guide my daughter in the best way possible without treading on my sisters toes,as for helping my mum,how do i go about that?? she is in denial and she would be devastated not to mention furious if i said anything,and it would cause trouble in my sisters house,i would love to give her what ive got?? im confused.hence the thread.

Freedom1990

Oh dear, are you getting to the dentist anytime soon?

I'm in southcentral Kansas!

JJB

Have you asked your daughter if she's asking you to change the situation or if she just wants a mum to listen to her?
I know that's often what we want a mum to do (listen and be sympathetic and understanding) but as a mum we always want to fix things.
Have you asked her?