trapper68

I visited this forum a few years ago, posted how I was going to quit drinking and predictably went back to alcohol - I cannot remember my user name. That was when I was 35. I am now 40 and my alcoholism has increased to the point I worry about an early death. I remember reading in the Big Book there are three final stages of alcoholism: Death, Jail or Insanity or something like that. I can easily see why that is the case.

Just some background information, I generally drink every day. I do a lot of travel for my job and while I am on the road, I generally drink wine and beer to get buzzed. I rarely get drunk on the road because I usually have professional responsibilities the next morning and need a clear head when I wake up. So I usually have a couple of beers and a couple glasses of wine and hit the sack - I'd say 4 to 6 drinks each night I am travelling. I guess if I drank like that all the time, I would be fine with my drinking.

However, when I am home alone, usually Friday through Monday, its intense blackout drinking. I am talking large quantities of Vodka. For instance, I picked up a 1.75 liter of Vodka yesterday morning(Friday) and come Sunday night it is gone, and sometimes I also mix in some wine in the mix just to break things up. Lately all I do is sit in front of the computer surfing the internet, or watching TV or movies that I have seen dozens of times already. Last night I watched The Exorcist - its a fun movie when you are drunk and I have seen it probably 10 times. But I would never watch it sober because I have already seen it, if that makes sense.

Each night when I am home alone I generally black out and find myself waking up with a terrible hangover only to drink again, like I am right now. For instance, last night I passed out around 2am, woke up at 9 and was drinking by noon. This type of isolative and anti-social activity has been happening for the last few years to the point of depression now. Not the clinical type, just depression in that I am 40, alone, living in a small apartment doing nothing all the time when I am not working except getting drunk.

I am not sure when I made this transition to an isolated alcoholic. I used to be a more partying alcoholic in my 20s, going to bars and clubs with friends, but about the time of the age 34/35 the nightlife scene began interfering with my drinking which was not acceptable. It became more efficient just to drink alone than it was to going out to a club, spending $100 and try to navigate home and not get a DWI. I mean I could get blitzed for $15 and not have to worry about a DWI. So at some time in my mid 30s I just began drinking alone. And at first I liked it. There was nobody around infering I was drinking too much and I was relatively entertained just getting blitzed in front of the TV by myself. It was almost a sense of exhiliration leaving the liquor store on a Friday night, stopping and renting a couple movies and bringing home a pizza. I mean, I was set for the next two days!

But about this time last year, I began self reflecting about my life, realizing I just threw away the best years of my life, my 30s. The only close friends I have now are my parents and they are very worried because they know I have battled alcoholism for years and have tried to quit but failed and they know this and it hurts them greatly. It truly is like being in jail as the bottle has immense control over my life. It truly isolates you and depresses you.

So anyway, I have made a committment to quit drinking beginning tomorrow. Not today as I wanted one last fling with my nemisis in the plastic bottle (yeah, I drink the real cheap stuff now). I will attend AA meetings and will post updates on this thread so others can see my progress as it happens. I have been an alcoholic for 20 years, and a very intense one for the last 5 years, so I am curious to see how it goes: the mental anguish, anxiety, withdrawl symptoms, etc...

Maybe this will help others in their drive to get sober. I don't know. I'll continue to add details about my alcoholism, what its done to me, and obviously my path to sobriety. But I think there is enough to get started. I'll answer any comments tomorrow. I am already loaded and I want a clear head tomorrow so I can answer properly and coherently.

least

Given the amount you drink, and the frequent blackouts, I would urge you to have medical supervision while you detox, as withdrawing from alcohol can be very dangerous, even fatal. So please be safe while detoxing, and then attend your meetings and keep us posted on your progress, cause we care how you are doing.

Welcome to SR!:ghug3

Bamboozle

Hello, trapper. Welcome back to SR.

When you detox please be safe about it. Stick around for a while.

shaun00

hi trapper.....great to have you here with us..

this has been said already but im gonna say it again because it is of vital importance....for your safety.

Please SEEK MEDICAL ADVICE BEFORE STOPPING COMPLETELY..

All sorts of nastys can and do happen when you stop...

Much better to speak to the doc.......my drinking was pretty chronic..24/7 and i had to have medical intervention.........i tried a few times on my own or rather i ran out of booze and money and got into serious problems with seizures and hallucinations..

AA is a great idea..imo........it was AA and the twelve steps which helped me with the next stage.........staying stopped.....and being content without booze.

id be real interested in your progress so dont forget to come back and post.

you can pm me any time if it helps.

god bless you and guide you..........trucker

CarolD

Good to know you have decided to quit.....
Yes...an honest talk with your doctor is the wisest move.

Please check out this link for info and some of our experiences

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Welcome back.....

trapper68

Thanks for the advice everyone. After an epic bender last night, which went until nearly 2am, I passed out and woke up about 9am terribly hungover. In fact, I stayed in bed staring at the ceiling to 11:30...pretty pathetic. I can remember when sleeping in was until 8am.

I would think technically I am still drunk given what I cosumed the last couple days, and if not for the committment to quit I would no doubt have already returned fom the liquor store with another fifth of cheap Vodka - the $9.99 variety.

So my hangover is gone and for today I plan on scrubbing down my apartment. It's only 1000 square feet but its been neglected for some time. My fridge is positively disgusting, in fact I'd be embarrased if anyone opened it. I truly think a clean place is important for me to get sober. I don't know why that is.

I am also committed starting tomorrow that when I wake up, I act like I used to. That is I get up early, do something that involves exercise, which for me would be walking as I am terribly out of shape for anything more strenuous. Then its taking a shower, shave and get dressed. Normally on weekends (and days I don't travel) I simply put on a hat and sweats and begin planning my drinking. I need to break that routine.

I am not looking forward to today. I know its going to be brutal and drinking will be on my mind all day. I know sleeping is going to be brutal. Trying to sleep without any form of alcohol, even if its a couple glasses of wine, is going to be tough in the near term. I am curious on how long it will be before I can sleep normal. I read for some people it can exceed a month - that would really suck.

I will begin going to AA this week. Probably tomorrow or Tuesday. I want to get all this booze out of my system before I go. I am sure the Vodka is coming out of my skin. My face is flush right now and I really don't like socializing around other people when I look and feel like this. I know AA is not a place to be self conscious, but that is the way it is for me today.

zoomer

Good luck and remember to take it one day at a time!

CarolD

Good to know you are planning for a healthier sober future.

Please read the link I have above for info on de toxing.

I agree....a clean enviroment and walking are good ideas.

Keep posting....you too can win over alcohol.....

FightingIrish

WoW! You pretty much described my life for the 5 years prior to my quitting drinking. I am 37 now, quit when I was 35. Actually, I wasn't really planning to quit until I woke up in jail one day. Wasn't even a DUI...just being blacked out drunk in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I'm actually grateful that happened to me. It brought my drinking out in the open in a way I couldn't deny.

Every weekend used to be like how you described. Just passing the time. Alone with my DVDs, or cable, my booze (my poison was wine...in those double bottles...I'd probably go through 6-8 of those in a weekend. Pass out every night.

By the end I was pissing my bed every night. I did laundry constantly, but would inevitable leave it in the washing machine and forget about it, by the time I remembered it would be on the floor (someone had taken it out) and getting moldy.

By Monday I would either call in sick to work or drag myself out of bed, stand in the shower for 20 minutes trying to wash the ****/booze smell off of me, try to find some wrinkled up work clothes to piece together a suit, and would consume about 80 ounces of coffee throughout the day. Every day I swore I would cut down, stop, etc., but every day I would be at the liquor store at around 6pm.

Eventually I stopped leaving the house on weekends, except to go to the liquor store or buy smokes. I stopped returning calls. I would make tentative plans with people but would almost always flake out at the last minute. My friends would say, "Michael's in the time machine again."

Horrible way to live. I can't believe how much my life has changed since joining A.A. (I also went to rehab as a condition of my employment, and I also needed to detox.)

Hope you do what you need to do.

M

sfields141

Trapper 68 you say you want to quit drinking,so you go on a so called :EPIC:BENDER:I think you should go to a hospital for detox, Then go to re-hab for alcoholics,start going to a.a. meetings.After detox make 90 meetings in 30 days,while there keep your mouth shut and just listen,if ask to speak just say I am trapper and I am an alcoholic then sit down and listen. Sounds to me who started drinking at 14 and quit at 40yrs old, which was19 yrs,5months, ago is that your attitude is to grandiose about drinking,and not serious enough about quitting. You should you know your life is on the line. get a sponsor ,a big book and a 12 step book and fill your life the contents of the two books and your sponsor will guide your way . It works only if you work it.

trapper68

Thanks Irish,

Yeah, I am planning to go to AA this week. I have never agreed with all the cirriculum at AA, but it does do one thing which is keeps me busy around like minded people. One of reasons I get drunk alone is because I am constantly bored, and one of the reason I am home alone is because I am an alcoholic. It's like waling around in a cul-de-sac with no way out.

I like the part about being in a time machine. I've been hanging out in a cave. I agree about swearing to cut down and quit only to end up at the liquor store that same day. Been my pattern for years. For the first time in my life though, I think I am getting ready to walk into alcohol's final stage, hence I was able to beat back the temptation today.

I am off to get a normal dinner at a normal restuarant. One that serves actual vegatables rather than grease and fries.

Will chime in next week to let you know my progress.

jacknscoob

Good luck Trapper.

This is a great forum for support.

Keep us posted.

joedris

How about going to an AA meeting tomorrow? Not sometime during the week, not next tuesday, but tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And so on. If you sit back and listen, you may begin to understand the "curriculum" after a while. You need to go there not to pass the time with like-minded people. That's a waste of time. You need to go because you admit you're an alcoholic and need help. You need to make a serious committment to yourself to quit drinking, otherwise you'll get nothing out of AA. But if you do these things, you will be successful in your sobriety. AA works. I know it saved my life. And compared to how much I used to drink, you're a rookie. No offense intended.