Alcohol and Cheating
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Imlay City, Michigan
Posts: 4
Alcohol and Cheating
This is my first post, but I need some support.
My husband of just over a year has just admitted he is an alcoholic. We never lived together before we were married, and he always drank heavily. But he was never a different person when he drank --until this year. He became careless of my life and his, disrespectful to our marriage, blacking out frequently, etc. Unfortunately his "bottom" that he hit recently was when he went to a baseball game, does not remember a thing after the game, drove a friend home, and ended up cheating on me with her in his car. I am having a HELL of a time understanding it. He says he only remembers tiny flashes of it, and does not remember thinking at ALL. I have a hard time with this because even at my drunkest moment (which is rare, I have a couple glasses of wine, but that's all) I could never totally forget about him or the fact that I am married. I keep telling him that he must love her if he was willing to lose everything to have sex with her. I always thought that alcohol does not make you do things you don't already WANT to do, it just makes things easier to do. But I don't obviously see alcohol the way he sees it, and I want so badly to understand.
He is seeking help from a psychologist, kissing my behind, etc. says he will never be drunk again... I am praying and praying...but I wanted to ask those who have been anywhere near this situation if it is possible that if he really does have a problem (and he really does) that he could just do something like this without wanting her? He claims he wants nothing to do with her...I just need help to understand, and thought maybe someone else has been in this situation and can shed light on it. A little. Can anyone share? Thanks.
My husband of just over a year has just admitted he is an alcoholic. We never lived together before we were married, and he always drank heavily. But he was never a different person when he drank --until this year. He became careless of my life and his, disrespectful to our marriage, blacking out frequently, etc. Unfortunately his "bottom" that he hit recently was when he went to a baseball game, does not remember a thing after the game, drove a friend home, and ended up cheating on me with her in his car. I am having a HELL of a time understanding it. He says he only remembers tiny flashes of it, and does not remember thinking at ALL. I have a hard time with this because even at my drunkest moment (which is rare, I have a couple glasses of wine, but that's all) I could never totally forget about him or the fact that I am married. I keep telling him that he must love her if he was willing to lose everything to have sex with her. I always thought that alcohol does not make you do things you don't already WANT to do, it just makes things easier to do. But I don't obviously see alcohol the way he sees it, and I want so badly to understand.
He is seeking help from a psychologist, kissing my behind, etc. says he will never be drunk again... I am praying and praying...but I wanted to ask those who have been anywhere near this situation if it is possible that if he really does have a problem (and he really does) that he could just do something like this without wanting her? He claims he wants nothing to do with her...I just need help to understand, and thought maybe someone else has been in this situation and can shed light on it. A little. Can anyone share? Thanks.
maklay
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 120
I'm not saying it's excuseable, but from experience I know you make decisions as an alcoholic that you would never make sober. Some decisions you don't even remember making. It's hard to think about the fact that you are married when you don't even know your own name at the time.
...I've been there and learned of things I have done over the years. Now all I can say is I'm sorry for my prior actions and promise not to put myself in the position to make those sort of poor judgements again.
I can finally hold my head up and say I'm a good father and husband, and I get reminded from my wife everyday how great a person I've become (even better than when she met me)
I'm just lucky she was willing to stand by me through all my bad years.
...I've been there and learned of things I have done over the years. Now all I can say is I'm sorry for my prior actions and promise not to put myself in the position to make those sort of poor judgements again.
I can finally hold my head up and say I'm a good father and husband, and I get reminded from my wife everyday how great a person I've become (even better than when she met me)
I'm just lucky she was willing to stand by me through all my bad years.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR.....
Sex without love happens often.
And...it may not be a fact .....
drunks are incapable at times.
Here is a link about alcoholism and blacoiuts
post #17....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
We do have a place you might want to check out....
Friends & Family of Alcoholics Forum
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
I'm sorry you are in this situation but I do
think it's a positive sign that he is seeking help.
Blessings to both of you
Sex without love happens often.
And...it may not be a fact .....
drunks are incapable at times.
Here is a link about alcoholism and blacoiuts
post #17....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
We do have a place you might want to check out....
Friends & Family of Alcoholics Forum
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/
I'm sorry you are in this situation but I do
think it's a positive sign that he is seeking help.
Blessings to both of you
Last edited by CarolD; 05-02-2009 at 07:47 PM.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 104
The short answer to your question is yes - it is possible to have sex without love and drunk sex without thinking or love is unfortunately not that uncommon. I would rather not go into the details of how I know that 
If he seems truly remorseful and it has woken him up to seeking help then maybe its his rock bottom and things will go up from here..... I hope it all works out for you two.
If he seems truly remorseful and it has woken him up to seeking help then maybe its his rock bottom and things will go up from here..... I hope it all works out for you two.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Pugetopolis
Posts: 2,384
I was not faithful to my wife when I was drinking. But like Bill Wilson, I was too drunk most of the time to pull it off. Bill waited until he was sober before he cheated on Lois. By the time I was sober, I didn't have a wife anymore.
tyler50
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: toronto, ontario
Posts: 11
It is entirely possible to have sex with another woman without wanting her. Men don't put the emotional attachment to sex that women do. For men, it is physical pleasure. It is unfortunate and unforgiveable but entirely plausible. If he has sobered up and admitted he did wrong, forgive him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Imlay City, Michigan
Posts: 4
Thanks to all who replied, and it does help me to understand how it could have happened. I just kept thinking about all of the little efforts one makes to have sex, especially in a car of all places, and how during none of it, nothing felt wrong to him? It's scary.
It is three weeks from when it happened, and I do feel the need/urge to forgive him, and I am willing to stay hoping that this was his rock bottom and that he is going to continue to seek treatment. I have really good days when it seems like nothing happened and we're more in love than ever, but then I still find myself getting so angry with him (and her!- she left her wallet and ring in his car and I had the hardest time mailing it back! I wanted so badly to donate her $ to charity!!!) or crying on my way to work. It's just such a slap in the face.
Also, has anyone had any experience quitting drinking on their own, or on that medication that won't allow you to drink? He has said he is not going to the bars, not getting drunk again, staying away from his bar "friends", but still thinks it's OK to have a couple beers at home with me. He said he will go on that med to quit if the psych says he should, but are "just a couple beers" okay for any alcoholic? I tend to think "no"
Again, thanks for the support
It is three weeks from when it happened, and I do feel the need/urge to forgive him, and I am willing to stay hoping that this was his rock bottom and that he is going to continue to seek treatment. I have really good days when it seems like nothing happened and we're more in love than ever, but then I still find myself getting so angry with him (and her!- she left her wallet and ring in his car and I had the hardest time mailing it back! I wanted so badly to donate her $ to charity!!!) or crying on my way to work. It's just such a slap in the face.
Also, has anyone had any experience quitting drinking on their own, or on that medication that won't allow you to drink? He has said he is not going to the bars, not getting drunk again, staying away from his bar "friends", but still thinks it's OK to have a couple beers at home with me. He said he will go on that med to quit if the psych says he should, but are "just a couple beers" okay for any alcoholic? I tend to think "no"
Again, thanks for the support
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hi This is a little confusing?! He has cheated on you apparently in a blackout and to prove to you it was a dreadful mistake he is going to get help for his problem so it will never happen again, now he is saying he is going to have a couple of beers just with you at home and you are considering it? I like Jim's post and that should give you some heads up as to how your relationship will go unless he gets external help on a regular basis, maybe AA, maybe rehab, SMART or all the other recovery programs out there. Hope it works out for you:-)
It's easy to comment on but i'm not in your situation, i also assume that there must be something tying you to him, e.g. kids, childhood sweethearts...
It's easy to comment on but i'm not in your situation, i also assume that there must be something tying you to him, e.g. kids, childhood sweethearts...
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Stella if you read that first link I posted about blackout drinkers
and alcoholism......some of your questions would have answers.
Better yet....order the book from Amazon....both of you will
find it useful.
The drug you mentioned....is Antabuse.
Google for information.
I hope the 2 of you can work thru this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: tennessee
Posts: 592
I f he's a alcoholic like me any alcohol is not IS NOT OK. I dont know his story but drinking this soon after what he's done seem like he has a problem normal drinkers dont blackout. I tried serveral times to stop on my on to no avail. AA saved me Three weeks is a short time I would be anry also you have the right to be. I been married twentythree years never cheated that I know of but I had some major blackouts One was for three whole days no memory at all. I can understand how it could happen it wasnt that I was above cheating or was thinking about her or my kids I just liked getting drunk more than I like sex.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Portugal
Posts: 104
My feeling is that the couple of beers with you at home will very quickly lead to a couple of beers with friends to a lot more beers with friends.
Wishing you well.... 3 weeks isn't a long time so allow yourself to be angry - its also natural and healthy :-)
Wishing you well.... 3 weeks isn't a long time so allow yourself to be angry - its also natural and healthy :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Central, La.
Posts: 422
I can only speak from my experience, but not all men feel this way. I am not judging anyone, it is not my place, I am only sharing my experience. In the deepest part of my addiction/alcoholism (they are both addiction), that one personal value did not fall, tempted, yes, acted on no.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
Hello Stella
I believe the guy should get a second chance. BUT. The fact that he thinks a couple of beers might be OK and the fact you are asking about it leads me to believe neither of you realize how serious this disease is. He can probably stop at a couple at first, but before long he will be back to the same thing. Until he realizes what a problem he has he might not be able to quit. I am no expert, but I have drank beer every day for the last 30 years (except 3 or 4 short sober periods) This time I'm sober 5 weeks, and believe I am done with alcohol(this time I really want to quit). I have taken antibuse 10 years or so ago. It keeps you from drinking while you take it(when you try it makes you VERY sick), but when you quit taking it, your mind still has to accept the fact that you still can't drink. I wasn't ready for that back then
I believe you should give him a choice. You or the alcohol. Period A relapse or 2 might be OK if he is making an honest effort(this sober stuff ain't easy), but a casual "couple beers" is out of the question. Just my opinion without knowing all the facts.
I believe the guy should get a second chance. BUT. The fact that he thinks a couple of beers might be OK and the fact you are asking about it leads me to believe neither of you realize how serious this disease is. He can probably stop at a couple at first, but before long he will be back to the same thing. Until he realizes what a problem he has he might not be able to quit. I am no expert, but I have drank beer every day for the last 30 years (except 3 or 4 short sober periods) This time I'm sober 5 weeks, and believe I am done with alcohol(this time I really want to quit). I have taken antibuse 10 years or so ago. It keeps you from drinking while you take it(when you try it makes you VERY sick), but when you quit taking it, your mind still has to accept the fact that you still can't drink. I wasn't ready for that back then
I believe you should give him a choice. You or the alcohol. Period A relapse or 2 might be OK if he is making an honest effort(this sober stuff ain't easy), but a casual "couple beers" is out of the question. Just my opinion without knowing all the facts.
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I ended up on these forums and sober because I woke up one morning after a party at my house to hear a story told by my 21 year old daughter of my sexual shenanigans with a man who REPULSED me, who also happened top be married to someone I cared for deeply, who of course walked in on us
NONE of this story made sense to me, all of it mortified me, and I cant remember a damn thing. I will never drink again
NONE of this story made sense to me, all of it mortified me, and I cant remember a damn thing. I will never drink again
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
I never cheated on my wife, but one night several years ago, I almost did... I was drunk. Almost to blackout... Thank God I did not, but I could have.... Cheating is something I would never do, but alcohol makes people cross those kinds boundaries... It helps me to remember all of those boundaries I almost crossed, and those that I did...
Perhaps this is an opportunity and a moment of clarity for you and your husband. Make the most of it...
Mark
Perhaps this is an opportunity and a moment of clarity for you and your husband. Make the most of it...
Mark
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Wow.. if he's blaming the alcohol in any way, why in the UNIVERSE would he drink again, if he truly thinks this held some of the reason for his actions? And why would you be ok with that? I'm sorry.. but that is just bizarre to me.
I never cheated on my husband while I was drunk. Sex without love happens all the time. Some alcoholics are also cheaters, some cheaters don't drink.. the two may be completely unrelated... of course I have no idea what his motivation was.
You seem very ready to forgive him, and that's your deal. I wish you luck, you will receive a lot of support here, and in the Friends and Family forum where there's a LOT of people, unfortunatley, who have been right there in your shoes.
I never cheated on my husband while I was drunk. Sex without love happens all the time. Some alcoholics are also cheaters, some cheaters don't drink.. the two may be completely unrelated... of course I have no idea what his motivation was.
You seem very ready to forgive him, and that's your deal. I wish you luck, you will receive a lot of support here, and in the Friends and Family forum where there's a LOT of people, unfortunatley, who have been right there in your shoes.
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