MissFixit

Hey Stella,

I am sorry for your situation. You can read my early threads if you want. I too experienced infidelity. It has been confusing to say the least to figure out what was happening.

My exabf of 4 years (we were supposed to be married this spring) cheated on me last summer (totally denied it) and became engaged to the woman while we were together. He never faced what he did. Found out from a friend. He simply quit communicating directly with me and began contacting my family who don't respond to him. He is a relapsed active alcoholic.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. For the last 6 months I have been dealing with the aftermath.

I have no words of wisdom other than please attend al anon, just to see what it is like. Your husband sounds like an A in denial, so please educate yourself as much as possible about alcoholism, its progression and what boundaries you need in YOUR life to make you feel secure and happy.

Miss

McGowdog

Sorry to hear that Miss. My first wife was sleeping with a coworker and I found out from his wife one morning on the phone. I'd been sober about 20 months and this guy and his wife were people we played volleyball with. They had a 1 and a 3 year old son and daughter and we had no children... thank God for their sakes. Somehow deep down, I knew about all this, but my brain wouldn't admit it. I was so shocked that I hit the floor when she said, "Your wife and my husband are having a @#$$ing affair." I said, "How do you know?" I wanted to puke. Instead, I went into rage and was attempting to beat him up when I caught them two driving away at a stoplight. I reached over to him and started punching him in the lip and he grabbed my arm. I pulled it back and bit into his arm and I would have gouged his eyes out too. These two guys came up and pulled me off! It was right in front of their work and these were two off-duty cops. I said, "But he's @#$#ing my wife!" Well, it didn't help that he's a cop too. Anywho.

So I met her in a bar and I'm surprised that we grew apart once I got sober. I'm not saying I'm the good guy here... to the contrary, I'm sure I was a pain in the @$$ in that period of sobriety. But on the other hand, I was doing my best. Throughout the marriage, I was jealous much of the time. This should be a warning sign or something because I think it speaks to my own motives and it's almost as if I'd brought some of this on. In any case, I begged her to stop the affair and she denied it! How cute. But public records say they got married 2 years after our divorce.

So I drank over her and came to find that wasn't necessary, except that booze thumped me really hard... and I have what I'd call my most direct touched-by-God and you're-gonna-be-okay spiritual experience that blew me away.

I'd heal up from that and get back on my feet and I'm married happily today and God removed some really bad and negative emotions from me about women. In fact, it's as if God gave me these goggles to see beauty in just about every woman. It's hard to describe.

The newer edition big books talk about sex on page 69... and 68 and 70. Good sense of humor, right? But there's good instruction about our sex conduct and how to find out what's right for us as individuals. We get to go straight to God for counsel. We get to review our own behavior over the past and ask if it's been "selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate." We get to "shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life." If our behavior continues to harm and we're not willing to let God take us to better things, we'll surely drink again, and die... if we're alcoholics. But if we stumble and have an "honest desire to let God take us to better things," we can get past it.

Now, the significant other has their own moral and philosophical convictions galore and they may not be willing to let bygones be bygones; their choice. You never know how you'll react until you're in that situation. For me, I said ef my pride, I want her back. But she (1st wife) said "We're done." And we were.

So the first pill I had to swallow, after getting back to AA and getting sobered up a bit, was that it's over forever, let it go. Then I learned, it's not about me. It's about her. I got well. Karma sort of bit her on the arse, as public records, well actually 9 News in Denver, informed us that she was arrested for 13 felony account of fraud embezzlement and forgery.



But you got her, and that makes you a winner!:tyou





All I can say about the sober/drunk argument is that I've never fell down repeatedly, puked on people's stuff, been arrested, gone to jail as the "client", thrown a pizza in the oven and fell asleep to discover how to turn food into one color, wrecked a car, drove over my friend's foot, danced with and molested transvestites, stole other people's drinks, drug people across the bar by their hair, fell asleep in a swimming pool, had a pulse of 40 and a bac of .375, thrown my 245 lb friend into a campfire, punched my best friend square in the nose, gone skinny-dipping with that same friend in someone else's indoor swimming pool, etc... sober.

jamdls

I'm always surprised when people say that they think alcohol makes one say and do things that they want to do sober and would do sober. I was the biggest liar in the world when I drank I lied so much I believed the lies, I hated the person I became when drunk I was obnoxious/rude/ I flirted with anybody and everybody whether young/old/married/single/male/female/fat/skinny/white/black/purple/polkadotted you name it and wound up having sex with the majority of them and they meant nothing to me-and even if I liked them before hand I hated them once the sex happened. 99% of the time I wouldn't even remember what happened but there were always signs of what happened.
Sure I choose to drink so I had no one to blame for my actions but myself. I became a different person when I drank, people that i worked with that never saw the drunk Judy would never have believed that this quiet timid straight laced woman could turn into such a drunken sl*t but it happened over and over. I actually used to think I had a split personality because I would change so much but now that I don't drink I guess I've killed off that 2nd personality.

Gypsy Feet

Haha Judy!! Thanks for the laugh=)

littlefish

People commit suicide and commit other acts of self-abuse and self-neglect when they are drunk or in a black out. I've had thoughts of suicide when drunk and it is something that never enters my mind when sober...

Stella0816

Thanks to you, and all for posting. To read these is a little comforting in knowing that he IS a completely different person while drinking, and maybe it was not "him" with her...I don't know...maybe I am giving him an excuse. I felt like the drinking was a cop-out, not that I ever believed that he liked her. In fact, I knew they were together that night, and just thought..."Oh, it's just her, nevermind." I totally trusted him. He is actually seeing his new psych. while I am typing. I hope he is being honest with her and I hope she kicks his arse for still having a beer or two around the house.
Actually it has been three days since he has had anything, but I still think he thinks it's OK to do here. And I haven't told him otherwise, but I think these "one or two" could turn into an excuse to have them elsewhere, or "just this once" and knowing that h really does have a problem, could lose control easily. It's a slippery slope.

When this BOMB dropped, he told me in words and letters that he wanted me to tell him what to do, give him directions and he would do it, no questions asked. Should he drink, should he move out, etc. But I refused to do that.
I could barely think for myself at the time and I wanted him to change on his own, for himself, or I thought it would not work. He would make the decisions and I would sit back and see if they were good enough for me.

Now I KNOW he has a problem, an addiction, and alcohol makes him a weak person. He needs me to set ground rules and hold him accountable to his decisions, because at this stage I do not believe he can do this on his own. Plus maybe it will me feel more comfortable in my home with him and maybe gain some of the control back of my life that I lost. I don't like that he is not a strong person but it is an addiction that I don't understand. That is why I came here.

I told him that I would support him in his recovery if he takes it seriously. I think I am to the point where I have thought about what I am willing to live with and what I won't settle for. And I need to tell him that him drinking is something I am not willing to live with.

I just don't know if I can get over the sex. I just feel like I will never be the same. I feel like I meant nothing to him if he didn't even think of me once. I don't want to be in a relationship when I am doubting someone all the time or feel like I am a warden. I pray for forgiveness and for my anger to go away, but I am really struggling with that.

What is alanon like?

gerryP

Eroica are you suggesting that one is in their right mind when drunk? I have been drunk and I have been almost comatose and apparently gone through the motions whether it be a conversation, making dinner, normal everyday things, working even and behaving as others described later not appearing to be anywhere as close to being as drunk as I was and I didn't remember a thing.

I still don't understand how it all works, but unfortunately things happen while drunk that one would never ever contemplate much less do sober. That said, up there in the first 50 reasons I needed to stop drinking for good was because I was doing some of those things I would never contemplate doing sober. Drinking is not an excuse for anything, but sometimes the reason and best needs to stop for good.

broke

I'm new to all this. I have been with my husband for 10 years and married 5yrs. He has been an alchololic and addict of THC this whole time, also abusing Ritalin 1/2 the time. He went to a 14 day in pt. rehab and has been doing well, going to AA everday and seeing a counsolor once a week. My problem is I have always had a strong feeling he has cheated, finding things, hearing rumors, etc. Well, the day after he got home I found his list of regreats and reaf it. I knew I shouldn't but I needed clousure and I sure got it, more than I could emagine. Cheating with men, women, both, prostatutes, phone sex, searching on the internet, etc. I just can't get the out of my head, all the lies. He does not know I read this and I don't think I can tell him ever. I need healp in getting past this, I feel I was in this made up in my head marriage for 10 years. Please help me.

Boleo

I would say there is a chance he is telling the truth but there is even a bigger chance that he is lying to you and himself. I would suggest that you take a wait-and-see attitude. If he is too far gone to fix himself, he will only get worse. Also try posting at:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

smacked

With respect, Boleo, I disagree. If I'm misreading this and you were meaning to post to the original poster from several months ago, I apologize. My post is in response to broke's recent one.

broke, I dont' know what 'wait and see' will do for you. Is your relationship open enough to just simply talk to him about the 'regrets'? You're right, you should not have read it, but what's done is done. Are these things forgivable to you? Would you be open to working through it? OR is infidelity a deal breaker.. I know for me it would be.

CarolD

As our new member broke is now sharing on the
Friends & Family Forum

and this old thread is getting confusing....
it's now closed.