Rainbowgirl128

I am cautious about a lot of the standard recovery techniques and vernacular. I believe that addiction is a complex problem with many research-based perspectives on its causes. I think that for me binge drinking was a response to underlying psychological and emotional problems. specifically, an inability to cope with my feelings, insecurities, and some of the things that have happened in my life. During the past 2 and a half years I have abused alcohol to the point that it had very bad consequences on my life. I am still hesitant about the word "alcoholic." I dont like using that word because it is a trigger for me to go on with my alcohol abuse. I feel like it is a label that gives me a negative hopeless self image and allows me to think "im an alcoholic, alcoholics drink, so ill drink because thats what alcoholics do." I have respect for AA, and have been to meetings, but has detrimental affects for me to label myself as powerless or out of control. That mentality decreases my self esteem and makes me more inclined to drink.

What is important is that I realized that drinking does not work for me and causes destructive events in my life, my health, my relationships...so I knew I needed to stop. It has been a struggle for me to stop completely because alcohol is such a socially pervasive substance and it does lift my mood to have a few drinks. But I am here to say that tomorrow will mark the longest time I have gone without alcohol for the past 3 years. I am not going to say how many days though. Beer has been sitting in my fridge for the past two weeks and i havent paid it any attention. Whats allowed me to be sober is doing a lot of reflection and thinking and reading. Realizing that i started binge drinking when all these new emotions popped up in college and i was too sensitive to face the pain. i am realizing what everyone on this website always says: alcohol works temporarily to dull the pain but it is still there when we sober up. So i guess i am trying to break the cycle of addiction by chosing to accept the emotional pain instead of numbing myself to both good and bad experiences. Coming to terms with the fact that sometimes life is going to suck (and I just have to feel it) is the only way for me to break my cycle of psychological addiction to alcohol.

Dont get me wrong, I have been totally depressed since i sobered up. Thinking over and over again about the sadness that led me towards alcohol in the first place is NOT fun. I just keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass." It will, right? Eventually, as long as I stay away from destructive behavior, ill get over the heartbreak of the past. Maybe this situational depression is compounded by alcohol withdrawal. Not physical withdrawal, but just feeling the depression my central nervous system suffered from almost 3 years of chronic alcohol abuse.

I am interested to know: How long did it take you before your brain and body got back to normal functioning after stopping the alcohol completely?
Also, how long had it been without alcohol when you felt you had broken your addiction cycle? 3 days? a week? a month? a year?

just curious. thanks for listening.

Serenity33

Hi. I understand what you say about being "labeled" Idont like that either. I dont consider myself a full blown alcoholic (whatever that may be), I never drinkk and drive (after 2 duis), I dont do drugs I dont drink everyday etc, but sometimes (lately more than some), I get wasted wo even thinking I am and do something so stupid or embarrassing that the regret is so bad!!!!

When I quit drinking I dont feel side affects, I dont have withdrawl, I dont drink everyday, so that isnt a problem for me, its just hard bc aI have a large family that drinks A LOT! Im not sure what to think. i have always had a major temper issue (before drinking) but now with my horrible divorce, lost my job etc it seems that I drink too much and lose my temper like a crazy person...the only solution to stopping that is sobriety, many things I have done I would NEVER have done sober....ughh life is messy

CarolD

Good to see you are making progress.....

Have you read the 2nd sticky post above?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I took that information....re connected to God and AA
and have not had another drink.

I also followed the eating plan + supplements suggested in the book
(not posted above) for about 6 months.
I consider that helped me get in balance mentally and physically
around the end of 2 months sober.

I drank alcoholically for about 5 years....I doubled that time in AA
before I considered myself a recovered alcoholic.

....I do hope you can find your way
many people choose to not drink....even non alcoholics.
Perhaps it's easier if you are not an alcoholic
I

Dime

Hi Rainbowgirl,
Your story reminds me a lot of myself and the way I believed that I had a fair understanding of the complexities of why I drank. To this day I continue to read on the mechanisms of addictions and am still fascinated by the underlying causes. When it comes my own drinking though I have to avoid figuring out why I drank because it leads me to believe I can modify my behavior and no longer be an alcoholic. In my case that definitely is not possible.

I am an AA member that felt exactly like you did at one point in my drinking career about AA. After winding up in a detox hospital I decided to give it a try and in spite of my better judgment it worked. But use whatever recovery resource you feel comfortable with.

Carol has posted an excellent sticky that has a lot of info. "Quitting.. What to Expect..What We Did"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Check out the 5th post on PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms) for info on how long the changes can occur in the body and mind.

22NGONE

Rainbowgirl,

Alcoholism is a problem that can definitely be over-thought... AA is a simple program, my advice would be to keep coming back and listen for things you can identify with rather than what you cannot. You will hear your story.

At the 90 day mark, I thought I was going crazy to be honest. I have over a year now and have come to realize that my drinking problem has become a thinking problem, that's why I keep coming back.

Wishing you miles of smiles,

John

Mark75

The powerlessness thing... I get that, but really the only thing that I feel that I'm powerless over, except acts of God, is alcohol. That doesn't make me feel weak... I do wish that I wasn't powerless over alcohol, but I am,... and we all have attributes we wish we didn't...

I also struggled over the unmanageability thing, but I had negative consequences... negative enough... intervention, rehab... that I realized that things had become unmanageable...

I guess I had lots of shame... once I worked through the shame, words like powerlessness and unmanageability didn't threaten me so much... neither did the alcoholic tag... I am many things, Husband, Father, Breadwinner, Cyclist, etc.... So I don't define myself by my alcoholism, certainly not now, as I am sober and intend to stay that way...

Breaking the addiction cycle... If you mean the obsession and the compulsion to drink... it got lots better for me around 6 months... I am 7 months now.... But I feel that the cycle is broken if I don't complete it... ie... as long as I don't pick up,... the cycle is broken.

Yea, things still suck at times... but I don't have to take a pill or a bunch of drinks when it does. At this time, for me, it doesn't suck any worse than it did while I was drinking!! And I use a lot of tools I learned here and at AA, ...and often it doesn't suck as bad!

Good post!! Thanx, I needed that post today.

Mark

RufusACanal

Rainbowgirl,

Your post was one thoughtful piece of work; well written, very concise and with a remarkably accurate description of a common Drunk as I have yet to read on SR. To begin, forgive me in this, I would assume that you are grateful that your mind is in most respects, intact; to have the capacity to characterize your present state in such elegant terms is amazing. Many Drunks lose their ability to form complete sentences, while you are gifted with such insight. Please understand, I mean no sarcasm, your post is the best piece of analytical baloney I have possibly read to date on SR.

Kudos to you!

While I do not know you, I would venture to say that you exhibit the same traits as any other garden variety Drunk, from what I gather in your post. This ability to verbalize and intellectualize is far and away superior when considering the majority of Drunks while your increased mental acuity maybe one of the greatest deficiencies in your current search for answers; what a paradox indeed! Of course, you may be different or as some are want to say, unique and you may not be a common, run of the mill Drunk. Maybe you are that certain individual who has been through a rough patch in life and will never suffer the illness of Alcoholism nor have to admit that the possibility is so. Maybe you are genetically such an anomaly that no one will be able to answer the why of cause and effect that Alcohol and you have created in your life. I truly hope that is not the case. I do hope you find answers.

In order to find answers, I usually list my questions with pen and paper. I know it is outdated; especially since I have an iphone, a CAD Laptop and god knows how many other text writing devices around me, but when I put pen to paper, I grow. I also no longer reject information outright, because it has been my experience that while I am barely above an 80 IQ, I can still completely deceive myself and truth is usually right in front of me if I care to only look. My thinking is not what it once was so, writing down my questions and the resulting answers I collect seems to make my solutions process that much easier and if I may say, more enjoyable.

You did ask for suggestions or did you; my mind wanders so. The need for every Drunk to mentally master this tragedy called Alcoholism is common. Brianiac’s the world over in every country of every ethnic original of every intelligence quotient have tried countless ways to treat the effects of Alcoholism, to make it disappear, to make it more user friendly and ultimately to make it not so. Born from this fruitless effort is the great lie, that the common man or woman once afflicted with Alcoholism can make it simple go away; puff, gone!

Amazingly, out of the greatest pot of crap in the world, the great Depression, two men came together with a solution to this little bug known as Alcoholism. I know it was before Woodstock and George Bush, kind of like pen and paper, but these two men found the solution to this illness and it works. All it took then is the same as it takes now; honesty, open-mindedness and willingness to change your entire life. Hmm, that’s really a tale order, change everything.

So my friend, if you continue to look for answers, if you think you can be honest, open-minded and willing, please PM me someday, who knows, you have nothing to loss and maybe something to gain. Best to you!

Ron

justanothrdrunk

Second question first (cause that one is lots easier for me to answer):
I would say around 30 days. Not sure how to explain how I came up with that number, but that feels right to me.

First question: I don't know.
Not sure I know what normal is. I've been using and abusing drugs and alcohol since I was 12. Right now I'm on my longest stretch of continuous sobriety ever since then - 21 months.

On the one hand, I could say that I feel pretty normal right now. But I couldn't say when I started to feel how I currently feel started. It's really a complex question for me, the whole normal thing I mean. And there are lots of times I don't feel normal at all.

For example, I still get cravings. Had some rather stronger cravings just over the weekend. Is it normal for me to feel cravings and contrast that against how someone who isn't an alcoholic or an addict feels...

The best way I can think of to answer your question is that I suppose a somewhat normal feeling came about for me around 16-18 months sober. But at the same time I don't think I'll ever truly feel normal.

Bamboozle

Hello, Rainbowgirl. Great post.

For me, I never got to normal brain functioning. My brain was messed up before I started drinking.


Before I found alcohol, I went through a fairly tough time while in college. Long story incredibly short, I lost two semesters because I was failing everything. I ditched all of my classes and withdrew from the world.

I was pretty miserable…somehow I got through it and eventually graduated…but I did that because I started drinking along the way...I can't quite remember how long after those two semesters I began to drink...but I found that I could function because I had an escape. Before I knew it I was gone…out of control.

I’ve relapsed several times. Sobriety would last a month here and there, or a couple of months in a row, but I always relapsed.

For this past year I’ve been dealing with heart palpitations. I was convinced that I had done damage to my heart from booze, so I went to a few doctors about it. Well, the echo came back just fine. My anxiety was bad and I was headed for a relapse and the message was clear: I cannot put off dealing with my mental problems any longer. I was not in denial about my drinking, but I sure was in denial about my mental health. I thought that if I could make it long enough sober then everything would just get better. Well, for me, that doesn’t work. Now I’m taking action by going to therapy…something that I should have done a long time ago. I’m also on an antidepressant, and what a difference it’s making so far. Now I feel like I have a decent shot at a happy and healthy life. I have hope.

Rainbowgirl128

Thanks for the responses, everyone. Truth be told, I am drowning in an ocean of self pity. I wish I didnt have to deal with this. Life is hard enough without the constant battle with an alcohol problem. I am feeling hopeless, like no good things will happen for me.

Dime

That's exactly the way alcohol makes us feel Rainbow. It brought me to a state of depression beyond belief. The good news is that it gets a lot better when we get control of the booze. You have a wonderful life ahead of you it just may not feel like that right now. Keep the faith - this thing can be beaten! I did it and you definitely can do it too!