I'm trying to learn AWs side of issues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 18
I'm trying to learn AWs side of issues
Hello folks,
Please take no offense to my being in your Forum. I am husband of AW. I just want to hear from the other side of this fence.
My dearest AW says other folks drinking trigger her binges. If I go to a buddy house for a beer, she binges. Ditto with going out to dinner with couple who have glass of wine with dinner or to someones house where they drink. Or the weather or the heat or arthritis or finances or you name it.
From what you experience, is it really that easy for someone to be triggered? Is it really everyone else's fault? How do you live in a world with the ads, the bars, the casual contact with alcohol in someone else's hands. Does the rest of the world have to stop living? I like a beer after a hot day of work in the yard to rest and survey my work. Not 2, just 1. Is this to be avoided. What if my neighbor is having a beer is that just to much for my AW to see?
I am really puzzled about this and have no idea how to shut the world off from my AWs eyes. Or even if this makes any sense at all.
Again, I am truly seeking understanding from you who suffer and do so with no intent to offend. Please help me understand how to do my part for my alcoholic wife.
Please take no offense to my being in your Forum. I am husband of AW. I just want to hear from the other side of this fence.
My dearest AW says other folks drinking trigger her binges. If I go to a buddy house for a beer, she binges. Ditto with going out to dinner with couple who have glass of wine with dinner or to someones house where they drink. Or the weather or the heat or arthritis or finances or you name it.
From what you experience, is it really that easy for someone to be triggered? Is it really everyone else's fault? How do you live in a world with the ads, the bars, the casual contact with alcohol in someone else's hands. Does the rest of the world have to stop living? I like a beer after a hot day of work in the yard to rest and survey my work. Not 2, just 1. Is this to be avoided. What if my neighbor is having a beer is that just to much for my AW to see?
I am really puzzled about this and have no idea how to shut the world off from my AWs eyes. Or even if this makes any sense at all.
Again, I am truly seeking understanding from you who suffer and do so with no intent to offend. Please help me understand how to do my part for my alcoholic wife.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
hiya van!
van in a alcoholics mind, its mostly always everyones else's fault for everything...
Blame!
thats where the term, the booze is the 10% part, and the thinking is the 90% part of alcoholism...
a good recovered alcoholic, will live in a world just as it is, and as it comes...
without running for a drink!
good wishes with AW van
rz
van
is it really that easy for someone to be triggered? Is it really everyone else's fault?
Blame!
thats where the term, the booze is the 10% part, and the thinking is the 90% part of alcoholism...
a good recovered alcoholic, will live in a world just as it is, and as it comes...
without running for a drink!
good wishes with AW van
rz
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 42
Hi Vanish,
It certainly can be a trigger, but part of recovery means learning to cope with triggers, because you will never escape them. Drinking and references to alcohol are all around us.
The thing is that for an active alcoholic, we will make anything a trigger, and we may not even be aware of it. I'm sure that your wife may truly believe that other people drinking triggers her. I know I did. But you know what? My whole family STOPPED drinking around me at one point to show their solidarity and then I decided THAT was a trigger because it amplified that I could not drink and everyone was reminding me of it. Heck, I could make the sky being blue a trigger when I was actively drinking.
If you believe it would help her to stop your own drinking in the short term, and you are okay with that, then by all means give it a try. But you can't ask everyone to stop drinking, and you can't control what trigger she may cling to if that one is removed.
The bottom line is that she has to want to stop, or she will be able to find a trigger/reason everywhere she looks.
I have been following your posts in the family/friends forum and my heart goes out to you. Your wife's drinking patterns sound so much like my own. I actually had to do a double take because I thought maybe my husband had joined. Feel free to message me anytime for the perspective of a monthly binge drinking wife who is FINALLY ready to stop.
Best to you,
Jayne
It certainly can be a trigger, but part of recovery means learning to cope with triggers, because you will never escape them. Drinking and references to alcohol are all around us.
The thing is that for an active alcoholic, we will make anything a trigger, and we may not even be aware of it. I'm sure that your wife may truly believe that other people drinking triggers her. I know I did. But you know what? My whole family STOPPED drinking around me at one point to show their solidarity and then I decided THAT was a trigger because it amplified that I could not drink and everyone was reminding me of it. Heck, I could make the sky being blue a trigger when I was actively drinking.
If you believe it would help her to stop your own drinking in the short term, and you are okay with that, then by all means give it a try. But you can't ask everyone to stop drinking, and you can't control what trigger she may cling to if that one is removed.
The bottom line is that she has to want to stop, or she will be able to find a trigger/reason everywhere she looks.
I have been following your posts in the family/friends forum and my heart goes out to you. Your wife's drinking patterns sound so much like my own. I actually had to do a double take because I thought maybe my husband had joined. Feel free to message me anytime for the perspective of a monthly binge drinking wife who is FINALLY ready to stop.
Best to you,
Jayne
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
Hi Vanish,
A trigger can be waking up in the morning- basically it is a reason to drink and we could always find one. I was the AW even though my AH drank longer and more than me. I thought it was acceptable to party with him.
Anyway you can do nothing to stop the drinking. She has to want to do it herself. While I was drinking I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing. I knew I should stop binge drinking but whenever I wasn't working I thought it was my right to do what I wanted to do. The thing about being an alcoholic is we don't want to binge we just can't stop at one. After you become sober you see what a mess that was. I don't think I could have stopped without help. I was sort of forced into it but was after was glad for the push. You should try to read up on the disease so you can better understand it. Hope this helps but this is from the other side.
A trigger can be waking up in the morning- basically it is a reason to drink and we could always find one. I was the AW even though my AH drank longer and more than me. I thought it was acceptable to party with him.
Anyway you can do nothing to stop the drinking. She has to want to do it herself. While I was drinking I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing. I knew I should stop binge drinking but whenever I wasn't working I thought it was my right to do what I wanted to do. The thing about being an alcoholic is we don't want to binge we just can't stop at one. After you become sober you see what a mess that was. I don't think I could have stopped without help. I was sort of forced into it but was after was glad for the push. You should try to read up on the disease so you can better understand it. Hope this helps but this is from the other side.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Vanish 
I am really puzzled about this and have no idea how to shut the world off from my AWs eyes. Or even if this makes any sense at all.
You can't shut the world off from her eyes, nor would you want to. So no, it doesn't make sense.
Obvious situations where the point of the activity is drinking... well, yes, to be avoided!! Not having alcohol in the house, at least for now, might be helpful, but you should be able to enjoy a beer after a day in the sun, or a day at work, without feeling guilty.
I am the AH, my wife has a drink at the end of the day, and I don't expect her to quit, unless she wants to. I won't say that it is always easy, but, with all she does for me and everyone else, who the heck am I to deny her that one drink?????
Your wife has to want sobriety, more than anything, anyone. Good luck, and good to hear from you.
Mark
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
My husband doesn't drink around me and I thank the world he doesn't. His one beer is never more important than my comfort, missing that one beer hasn't changed his life.
MOST things can be triggers.. whether or not she acts on them is her choice. The fewer the better, but you're right, life happens. I'm just really happy that my house is a safe place from it, no where else is... and luckily I don't act on triggers anymore.
MOST things can be triggers.. whether or not she acts on them is her choice. The fewer the better, but you're right, life happens. I'm just really happy that my house is a safe place from it, no where else is... and luckily I don't act on triggers anymore.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
Posts: 7
No. No one can cause an alcoholic to drink.
An alcoholic takes the first drink because he/she chose to take the first drink. We have poor control once we start drinking, but that first one -- it's a choice.
Your wife is making excuses for her own poor choices.
An alcoholic takes the first drink because he/she chose to take the first drink. We have poor control once we start drinking, but that first one -- it's a choice.
Your wife is making excuses for her own poor choices.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Colorado Springs CO
Posts: 889
From what you experience, is it really that easy for someone to be triggered? Is it really everyone else's fault? How do you live in a world with the ads, the bars, the casual contact with alcohol in someone else's hands. Does the rest of the world have to stop living? I like a beer after a hot day of work in the yard to rest and survey my work. Not 2, just 1. Is this to be avoided. What if my neighbor is having a beer is that just to much for my AW to see?
Fact is, I made a conscious decision to pick up every single drink I ever took. It's not a realization that just sprang into my mind one day, it was the result of step work. I was extremely resistant to the idea that I wasn't a victim of circumstances, and very resistant to the idea of giving up or moderating my drinking at all. I wasn't consciously being dishonest, that's just what I believed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
"Trigger" was a horse. "Excuse" is more appropriate here. It's an "Excuse" to drink.
FWIW, Alcoholics Anonymous says that any attempt to shield the sick man is Doomed to Fail . There's a reason the book says that.
FWIW, Alcoholics Anonymous says that any attempt to shield the sick man is Doomed to Fail . There's a reason the book says that.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Vanish, It's up to your wife, the one with the problem, not to touch alcohol. Alcohol is every where. She can't blame anyone for her drinking but herself. She is just looking for an excuse to drink. You should be able to have your one beer. And you should be able to go to dinner and be with people who choose to have a glass of wine. It's up to your wife to order a soda, or a glass of water. The truth is, even if you didn't have your beer, and if your dinner friends, don't order wine, she probably would still drink anyway. Her sobriety is up to her, and it's her responsibility. She is responsible for what she puts in her body. She says everyones drinking is a trigger, but when it comes to addiction, anything can be a trigger. Craving is a craving, and she has to learn to deal with her own addiction, and behavior. Good Luck, and thanks for posting.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
