introuble

I will tell you a little about myself and my history. I started drinking small sips of beer from my dad when I was very little. He'd let me have it if I got his beer from the fridge for him. The first time I got drunk, I was 15. I didn't drink often then, but when I did I drank a lot. My first blackout came when I was 17, and had just graduated high school. Drank an entire fifth of whiskey by myself. In college, I destroyed my education after moving out of the house by partying. Being too hung over or still drunk to make it to classes. For a while in my early 20's, I rarely drank and when I did, I didn't get drunk. I don't think I can identify when this actaully started becoming a problem. I think I have been in denial much longer than I would like to admit.

Over the past two to three years, my spouse has been telling me more frequently that my drinking is a problem. Crazy thing is that I know it! So, why do I keep doing it? And, if it's a problem, why does he tell me it's ok for me to drink, just not so often. NO!!!! I have told him before that I can't have alcohol of any kind in the house. Yet, it somehow keeps coming back in.

I have noticed that I use my spouse as my reason to drink and my enabler. If I drink too much one night, then I talk him into taking the kids to school. Used to be before we moved, I would talk him into going to the store to get more beer. When he became a truck driver, I would have alcohol "for him" when he arrived home after a long trip. Funny how I was usually the one who drank most of it. Now, if he's been home for a few days w/o working, I tell myself that my irritability is because of him so I get beer. I say that he's the reason I get drunk. How could I do that to him!???

I know that my family is getting worried about me. I have been isolating myself more and more lately. I told my mom that I am feeling so detatched from everyone and everything. I am supposed to be looking for a job, but dragging my feet. I have been unreliable and undependable quite often over the past three to five months.

Not sure why it took so long for everything to come together so that I could see the big picture. But, I see it now and I don't like it. I HAVE to change because I cannot live like this. More often than not these days, I have fantasies about just going away and disappearing. Starting a new life somewhere else, where no one knows me and I can be....someone else. But, I love my husband so very much and I want to be here for him and the girls. Sorry I'm writing a book here. I just really needed to get this all out.

HideorSeek

Hi IT, and welcome to SR! Many will be by to welcome you to the site. Alcoholism is the disease of isolation, and once it gets us alone, feeds us lie after lie. I think that you will find, if you quit drinking for a time, you will feel much better about yourself and your family. It is not easy, to be sure, but definitely doable with help. Don't be like me and think "I can do it myself". We alcoholics are loathe to ask for help, IMHO. But there are many forms available: AA, SR, RR, Smart something. Check out the stickies at the top of the forums. In any case, we will help you, daily, if you need it. So keep coming back! SR has been a lifeline for me!

CarolD

Thanks for sharing part of your story with us.

Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum

least

Welcome to the family!:ghug3

You CAN stay sober if you want to bad enough. Have you considered some kind of support group, like AA? Many people have found sobriety and serenity in those rooms. It might also be a good idea to have an honest talk with your doctor about quitting drinking. Detox can be dangerous as well as unpleasant.

As far as 'using' your spouse as an excuse to drink, if you quit drinking FOR YOUR OWN GOOD that will no longer work as an excuse. You can stop drinking, just don't drink today. Repeat tomorrow and every day. You can do this!

introuble

I think I am having the w/d symptoms from having such an overload yesterday. My heart keeps thumping in my chest, I keep crying, I'm a little shaky nothing excessive, very dry mouth even though I have been drinking lots of water, and very anxous. Sound about right to you all? I am going to see my family doc tomorrow and fortunately, there's not a drop of booze in the house and it's going to stay that way.

Astro

Honestly it just amazes me how many times I've heard my story told by someone else. That's the great thing about recovery for me, knowing that I'm not unique, I have much in common with so many other alcoholics.

Welcome to SR, IT. I hope you stay with us.

Here's some info on withdrawals. Please take the time to read it, and remember to seek medical help immediately if you feel you're in danger.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

TTOSBT

Hi there introuble!

Yup, you are in the right place and yes, the anxiety, restlessness, etc. is completely normal. I had NO idea that the anxiety I had during my not drinking times was actually withdrawals until I got sober. It has completely disappeared now. Yay!

I am also an alcoholic wife and mother. I "deserved" to drink too.
But I hit bottom 11 months ago and have not had a drink since.
I work a program of recovery here and in the fellowship of AA. I have an incredible support system. My husband is a normie. He is VERY happy that I am sober but does not really understand the big deal. He thinks it easy for me not to drink. So I got my understanding of my alcoholism from other support sources. It works.

Please keep posting. We are here to help! :ghug3

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Michigan Alcohol Screening Test

These guys are 'nice', they call it a drinking 'problem'. For myself, I call it my alcoholism. There are other self-evaluation tests you can take. Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

introuble

Yes, I was getting into that cycle of on my off days, I would get so irritable, aggitated and easily frustrated. I never even considered it was the alcohol. Thank you all for your support and words of encouragement. I made the first REALLY big step for me and told me mom what is going on. It has been such an emotional rollercoaster today. But, I did get the Big Book downloaded onto my computer, a huge mug of water, and my journal to write in. A good start I suppose.:praying

introuble

Something to smile about. Yep, I'm a "drinking problem" candidate. And, yes, the most honest thing I can do for myself at this point is call it what it really is.....alcoholism.

Tommyh

I used to think it was my wife`s fault I drank,the old "if you was married to her you would drink too" thing.
truth was,I could have been 1 thousand miles away from her and I would have drank.

I drank because I had the obsession to drink and when,once started I found I could not control it and I made a million excuses to drink.I have since found many excuses to stay sober ,and I do not have a legit reason to drink today.
Trouble,glad you got honest with yourself and Mom.Thats a big step in the right direction