KC1

Hi - I've been here before. Still drinking. Trying hard to stop. Not sure if this is where to post this or not but I will give it a try.

Something has happened that may have just done it for me this time. (Though how many times have I said that)? Last night I obviously had a blackout because I don't even remember this "event." When I woke up this morning, my PC was on and I had written a very very bizarre e-mail. Fortunately, I did not send it. It was to my best friend. We had been e-mailing back and forth about a concert we are going to. Well, my last "response" was something like this: "Dude!! There is fire on the boat! Dude! Don't know why it started. Get off." And it rambled on some more about a fire on a boat. First of all, I have never called anyone Dude. I don't own a boat. The whole thing freaked me out. I am totally freaked out by what she would have thought had I actually sent it! There is no way to explain it. Anyhow, I have had blackouts before where I don't remember anything, but never have I written or sent an e-mail that makes absolutely no sense at all. This is very scary. Is this common in blackouts? I know when you reach the point of a blackout that you are pretty far along the tracks of alcoholism and I have had more than one in the past few months. Anyway, like I said, this probably was the nail in the coffin for me with the drinking, but I am very curious about the bizarre e-mail that I wrote. Any comments or feedback is appreciated.

KC

yeahgr8

That sucks but i have heard this sort of stuff before and have done it myself! I ****** off a high paid job at SAP by sending an email which just said 'Ahhh **** this', they told me not to come in...the recruitment agent rang ma and said why did you send that email, i'm like what email????? I am chuckling while i write this, but it ain't good really!

I had just moved country and due to start the job the following day...still kept drinking for a couple years more though...wishing you well:-)

Keep coming back here often it does really help btw!

SoberforME

Yeah I have a friend of mine that gets drunk and sings gospel songs and says passages from the bible. She's not religious normally.

I call it the drunk crazys.

TryingSoHard

I definitely wrote and said stuff while in a blackout that I would have NEVER said otherwise. I thank goodness that I can't remember those times, and I cringe and feel sick to my stomach if I ever stumble upon any evidence of those times...

TTOSBT

Oh man. Did this make me cringe!
Oh, the places alcohol took me.
KC1, welcome! You are not alone and you never have to feel that way again.

shaun00

Those blackouts are scary.....boy sometimes i wonder where this or that night or week went...

When i was drinking i didnt know they were called blackouts...
I just didnt remember how i got to this town...or bar.....or mess..

I have been up against a balcony railing in a high rise in spain....at least fifteen floors up.....threatening to throw my wife off it if she dont get off my back.
And i have absolutly no memory of it.....what a sick sh@t i was.

i hope you find sobriety and contentment.........

Print off that e mail and keep it.....if you wanna drink just have a quick glance at it.....it will help you remember perfectly.

trucker

espresso

Thanks for sharing this. Like my alcoholism, my blackouts progressed. They started with "innocuous" events like waking up to find take out food and menus I had no recollection of ordering.Then I would wake up to find things that did not belong to me in my house with the front door open......trips to ER with no knowledge of how I got there or why...these are the ones I recall. The really bad ones, (and there were really bad ones), I have only hazy memories of. I know I did some awful things although I will never know exactly what.

I got sober through AA. I know AA isn't for everyone, but the "yets" do happen. They did to me.

starfieldroad

Thanks for sharing this. I had many experiences like this that I have no memory of, it's a very strange feeling-- on one occasion the last thing I remember was being loaded out of my mind at a party across town, sharing a fifth of whiskey with one of my old friends. The next thing I knew, it was the next morning and I was in my bed, at home, in my pajamas. I still have no idea how I got there, how I got into my pajamas, or anything. Not a good feeling the next day-- so much horrible stuff could have happened to me and I wouldn't have known. At the time, one of the last things I had left to keep my denial alive was that I thought I could always drag my ass home, no matter how blackout drunk I was. It took many more nights like this to break me down enough to realize that I couldn't take care of myself-- the people around me were doing it for me-- picking me up from god knows where, putting me to bed, making sure I slept on my side, even taking off my shoes when I was too drunk to do it myself. I systematically broke every promise I made to myself-- for example "I'll never have more than one drink on the weeknights" or "I won't sleep with a random guy when I'm drunk tonight", etc etc etc until I had absolutely no boundaries and was spiritually and emotionally bankrupt. Someone told me pretty early on when I got to AA, if you think you might be an alcoholic, but aren't sure, you probably are. You're the only one who can know this. And you never know how many bottoms you have left in you-- I am so grateful that I got into the program in time. I'm praying that you will too.

CarolD

Here is info on blackouts..post .#17
but I do hope you will read the entire thread...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I used to have "black cord fever" as a drinker.
I phoned people in the middle of the night
causing hurt and angry feelings.

That was before
caller ID ... cell phones and the www.

Oddest thing...no more drinking ...no more blackouts.

Dime

***** by Google offers an option to require you to take a sobriety test before sending e-mails at strategic times when you might be drinking. I thought it was a joke when I first heard this but it is for real.

readyforhelp

KC1,

I found this website when I was googling "blackouts." I was starting to blackout nearly every time I drank. That sounds weird to me now because what in the h*ll else did I expect drinking vodka and/or wine every day? I swear........ Anyway, the things that occur while you are in blackout will put hair on your chest. And, the whole deal is progressive.

Good luck, my friend. We're here for ya.

KC1

Thanks for the responses. You have made me think some more. I had NO alcohol today but that is because I felt like crap. I am sure if I didn't, I would have had my usual two glasses of wine with dinner and it may or may not have stopped at that point. But once I thought about it, I have drank some alcohol whether it be vodka or wine every single day for as far back as I can remember! Even if it was "only" one glass of wine - every single day!!! To make matters worse, I am on two anti-depressants and am not supposed to drink! How stupid is that? Oh well. Hopefully I will get it sooner or later. I know I need to stop, but right now I don't feel like stopping. Do you ever WANT to stop or do you know you just need to stop and do it anyway? The thought of giving up my wine tasting trips to the Napa Valley, Sonoma, etc. is not a good thought. Of course, blacking out on a regular basis and possibly ending up dead if I drink too much while on these pills is not a good thought either. Thanks again for your help! I'll continue to "lurk" and check in every now and then.

TTOSBT

Good luck KC!. I hope you make it back :ghug2
By the way, the antidepressants do not work while you are drinking alcohol.
I was amazed at how they did once I quit drinking!

KC1

It is Tuesday night and I am going to try very very hard to not have anything to drink tomorrow night either. I went all day today without a drink, perhaps I can go all day tomorrow, too. I know the cravings will kick in sooner or later, but I just re-read some other posts I had written in the past and someone suggested changing my routine. So instead of coming home and walking into the kitchen where I open the bottle before I take my coat off, I will do something else. Maybe it will work. Thanks again.

chris1959

It occurs to me that even in this day and age, with all the education, and information available there is still legends of people suffering alone in the private hell of alcoholism and drug addiction. It would seem to me that people in general would learn by now.

Yet as I read this post and many others I see the same cycle of events and the same exact downward spiral repeated over and over again.

If I discribed my personal experience with drinking and blackouts they would be the same as yours.
I also recognize the "terminal uniquness" in each and everyone of us.
Almost every story is totally sincere and the feelings are neither right or wrong they are real. but it still baffles me how everyone of us, when it comes to this experience of problem drinking think we are different.

One of the finest things I heard when I came to AA was "welcome home"
AA may not be for you, but check it out, only you can decide.

The best in what ever you do and if that be recoverying from a hopless state of mind and body well then "WELCOME HOME DUDE"

Iamlucy

Its sad but in a way kinda funny the stupid things we do when we're drunk or for me drunk & high. We all have the same stupid things we do.

One time I was soo messed up that I thought they're was someone in the tree in front of my apartment and looking in my window (I live on the second floor). It was like an oak tree so if someone would have climbed it they would have had to scale it or something because there was no low branches.

So I went outside and started yelling at this imaginary person up in the tree, telling them to get down and that I could see them, like screaming at the top of my lungs. I told the tree or "person" in it that I was going to call the cops and went on and on; I'm suprised no one called the cops on me, or the phsyc ward. If any of my neighbors heard they probably thought I was crazy and talking to the tree or a cat or something.

If I had a video tape of that I would be mortified.

TTOSBT

First I have not tell chris1959 thank you for that post. Welcome home indeed. Thanks to what I have found in AA, I have friends like I never imagined having.

KC1,
Wow girl. I was really happy to see your post that you are going to try again! After you wrote about reading your previous posts, I went back and read through your previous posts.Truly my first thought was, you're not sick and tired yet??

Your posts remind me so much of me. Especially that last one about wine tasting trips to Sonoma. Ya know what? I don't miss it in the slightest. My life is too full and I am so free today. I feel like I have my whole life ahead me and I got sober a couple of months before I turned 40.

I guess what I am saying is that this could be it if you are willing to work for it. And boy is it worth it! Let me know if there is anything I can do.

DayWalker

Blackouts are a big reason to make you think hard about stopping. They are no fun at all. I started having them the entire last year of my drinking.

Conversations with friends that you don't even remember, spending money with no recollection of where you spent it or what you even bought. Emails to people you haven't talked to for years (and never even liked in the first place). Going to bed with the doors not only unlocked but wide open. Getting into a fight with a friend or family member and then wondering why they seem upset the next day because you don't even remember what happened.

For me I think the blackouts were the worst part of my drinking. Yet oddly, I drank because I wanted to blackout. Doesn't make much sense now that I look back on it.

Wallace

this should be a wake up call.

i'm in a similar situation now except i actually did send the PM on MSN and i don't even remember what it was...just that it was weird.

and the girl i sent it to who i was close to wont talk to me now


i'm sure you're thinking...yeah i can drink sometimes and i wont black out and i wont send weird emails.

well sooner or later you're going to find out that the drinker in you that doesn't black out and drunk-email-dial etc can't afford the drinker in you that does

readyforhelp

I think lots of people have this same thought process, I know I did. I wanted to stop for years but I couldn't let go of the next thought and that is the thought of never drinking again. Even now, I cannot think about never drinking again or I get all messed up in my head. So, I try to stay in the moments the best I can. It helps. Keep posting your thoughts......