me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 1
me
Well lets see. Im 26. Going on 27. Ive lost everything. I had a family at 22, a house at 24. I was very successful financially. Im very good with money. Im what I guess you call functional. Im a hard worker. Im able to pound down 10 or 11 beers and still goto work the next day okay. Sure I feel like **** but I still make it. Hell im drunk now. My whole family was a bunch of drunks. But in the same way. Functional. Not homeless or nothing. I remember my grandpa drinking vodka with me in the car when i was 5 or 6. Even I have enough common sense not to do anything with a kid in a car so how bad could he have been? He died at 57 due to booze. I remember my uncle Jimmy coming over with a shopping cart full of beer. He died at 52 same reason. No men in my fam have made it past 60 or so. I always kinda knew thats my destiny. My dad, I dont remember him doing much with me, just yelling at me and being drunk and smacking me around. My mom left him a few times for days here and there. I guess he was beating her although i didnt know it at the time. I never hit my wife. But we argue all the time. Not just about drinking its so much more. But I guess in her eyes this is the reason. When I was a kid, I remember my dad punching me out when I was 7 and almost busting my nose, I remember him chasing me out of the house cause I spilled milk trying to beat me. Its just like everything in my life has revolved around booze , even though until i was about 14 or so I told myself I wouldnt be this way and it wouldnt be me. Then I found it, It didnt turn into an everyday thing until I was about 17 or so. Now here I am going on 27. Im pretty much full blown. I just drink beer, but I cant stop. Im basically him. I drink too much smoke too much. I just pray to god my son didint get this dna. I tell myself, Im only having 6 or 7 and I eventually black out and wake up and ive had like 20. I get beligerent to friends, I dont remember saying or writing things. The sad thing is, I think im happy this way. Its what I want. I dont like being sober, When I got tossed out, I tried for weeks , its just this subconcious death wish one day I wont wake up again. That would do no good. Ive thought of going to meetings but whats the point when your all alone. Physically my stomach is really bothering me. I think somethings wrong and im scared to goto a doctor. Do i stop? Nope. I dont think im gonna make it to 30. I just cant like, i got this one ******* weakness I cant get over. So many things I love about this world, summertime, colors, arts, movies, certain girls in my life, but most of all music , well actually most of all my son, but I just cant get over things that happened to me so long ago they are always there. the drinking part just brings it back. but I cant function without having it.
Im so mad at myself for having no self control over soemthing so simple.
just wanted to let it out, i dont expect on stopping, or changing , im me. and for some reason im okay with who i am. cause ive always known this is what im supposed to be. im a gentle person at heart, i still feel like a little child inside. i know i mean no harm to anyone. i just want to be loved.
Im so mad at myself for having no self control over soemthing so simple.
just wanted to let it out, i dont expect on stopping, or changing , im me. and for some reason im okay with who i am. cause ive always known this is what im supposed to be. im a gentle person at heart, i still feel like a little child inside. i know i mean no harm to anyone. i just want to be loved.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
You won't be alone if you go to an AA meeting. I too felt powerless and like "what's the use even trying anyway"...but I didn't want to die from this disease--like other members of my family. I think that most alcoholics are hurting people. We also are very sensitive.
I would suggest seeing a Dr. about how to safely quit drinking. Alcohol withdrawal can be deadly. I had to have medical assistance before. My body had become so dependent on the alcohol. Even though it might seem uncomfortable or "scary' llike you said--it might just save your life. At least speak with a Dr or medical professional.
Keep posting...lots of fine folks here that have been there too. We do recover.
I would suggest seeing a Dr. about how to safely quit drinking. Alcohol withdrawal can be deadly. I had to have medical assistance before. My body had become so dependent on the alcohol. Even though it might seem uncomfortable or "scary' llike you said--it might just save your life. At least speak with a Dr or medical professional.
Keep posting...lots of fine folks here that have been there too. We do recover.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
I have found the best way to be loved is to love.
There's a phrase about "blotting out our existence" found in the text of alcoholics anonymous - and that is the sense I get from your post. This inner URGE to want happiness, but it just doesn't seem possible...does it?
You can be everything your elders were not - the first one to get past this...but there has to be the desire to be done with it. I found drinking became utterly unbearable some point just past where you are - with alcohol still doing what you want it to do.
If you need or want help - come back and ask. I wasn't too much different from you at 27 years old (and that was only a few years ago).
Take care.
There's a phrase about "blotting out our existence" found in the text of alcoholics anonymous - and that is the sense I get from your post. This inner URGE to want happiness, but it just doesn't seem possible...does it?
You can be everything your elders were not - the first one to get past this...but there has to be the desire to be done with it. I found drinking became utterly unbearable some point just past where you are - with alcohol still doing what you want it to do.
If you need or want help - come back and ask. I wasn't too much different from you at 27 years old (and that was only a few years ago).
Take care.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR and our Alcoholism Forum
No I did not lose a lot materially from drinking.
However...my sanity was dicey from alcohol.
I do hope you will decide to save yor life.
Seeing your doctor is a wise move.
Blessings to you and your son
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Hi Im Sharon and Im an alcoholic.
Do you have any friends or family that
you know of that are in AA? Maybe someone
u know that went to rehab? An uncle, an
aunt, a class buddy, a friend of the family?
Somebody that knows someone in recovery
with a drinking problem?
Do you know where an AA meetings is located
nearby? Around the corner? Down the street?
Do you have any friends or family that
you know of that are in AA? Maybe someone
u know that went to rehab? An uncle, an
aunt, a class buddy, a friend of the family?
Somebody that knows someone in recovery
with a drinking problem?
Do you know where an AA meetings is located
nearby? Around the corner? Down the street?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 263
Hey there jw. Getting all that stuff out was a big step, but it must have felt like such a release! Keep doing it. Keep putting it out. Who wants all that junk sitting inside? 
Put it out, give yourself some room to think, to breath, to live. Give yourself a break.
Even harder - stop beating yourself up for your dad.
Get to you. You're nobody else's history. And dude, you don't need to drink to be loved. Especially by you.
Put it out, give yourself some room to think, to breath, to live. Give yourself a break.Even harder - stop beating yourself up for your dad.
Get to you. You're nobody else's history. And dude, you don't need to drink to be loved. Especially by you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
jw,
There is only one person who can stop what you're doing.
If you want to stop the "family tradition" then there is no time like the present.
We at SR are able to help you stay sober if you really want it bad enough.
Keep coming back and maybe you'll begin to see things through different eyes.
Peace,
Ken
There is only one person who can stop what you're doing.
If you want to stop the "family tradition" then there is no time like the present.
We at SR are able to help you stay sober if you really want it bad enough.
Keep coming back and maybe you'll begin to see things through different eyes.
Peace,
Ken
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