TryingSoHard

So my husband tells me today that last weekend when he went out to eat (without me) he drank. Um... ok. So? Which is what I said. He said he's been meaning to tell me and he feels really bad about it, and it felt wrong at the time.

I never asked him to stop drinking. As a matter of fact, I told him that I didn't expect him to and would understand completely if he didn't. I told him that I'd prefer it if he not drink IN FRONT of me, at least for a while, and that I can't have any alcohol in the house, but if he wants to drink that's fine and he should drink.

Why now am I having to make him feel better?

To be honest, I kind of resent it. Right now this minute it's making me pretty angry. I've told him REPEATEDLY that if he wants to drink I don't mind. If he feels bad or guilty or whatever it's NOT because of me. So why am I stuck easing his conscience?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. It's just that... FFS... it's enough that I have to deal with my OWN drinking issues. Now I have to convince him that it's ok for him to drink, too? For the record, he is not an alcoholic.

TryingSoHard

I just realized that maybe I should have put this in the Relationships forum. If a mod sees this and thinks that's more appropriate, I won't be offended if you move it.

deezaldog

Trying,
Dealing with our own alcoholism is hard enough. Your husband needs to deal with his own drinking. I often hear that we are only responsible for our own recovery, no one else. Don't allow his guilt to bother you.
Great job on your sobriety time! Keep up the strength and your power of recovery. LOL

Sara9009

My DH drives me nuts about this too. He is not an alcoholic and probably drinks less than 5 times a year. There isn't any alcohol in our house right now for obvious reasons but he keeps telling me he isn't going to drink anymore either to support me and it really irritates me to no end. I am sick of telling him it is fine to have a beer if he wants.

vegibean

LOL!!! That gave me a chuckle. I couldn't even imagine. Most of my friends all drink and they do what they do, just not around me. My X on the other hand??? Would love for us to get back together however with the drinking thing he's been on the other end of that spectrum, turn around and voila!!! There's a beer in the hand and right after my one year, really got my feathers ruffled

gemeritus

Guilt by association, is that the right term? I can't believe this irritates you so much. Your guy is sensitive to your needs and you are his better half. Your needs weigh in on his mind whether he is with you or not. And you complain?

Would you rather he be like many of the AH's in the F&F forum, getting sloshed at will and not caring?

Not trying to offend you, just an opinion as I sit outside the situation and read this.

beingjenagain

Thanks for the post. I think one of the hardest things is what are we to do with these spouses!! and sorry guys but especially these husbands, wifes just seem a bit more understanding of their alcoholic husbands.

I think at first my husband just thought this was another phase for me. I had quit for days or weeks or even 3 months before and he figured it was the same. His drinking makes me so mad but I have come to know that that is his problem not mine. Now after almost 10 months of sobriety and active participation in AA he is finally starting to get it. He still drinks at home and still leaves half full beers on the counter and he still pisses me off but what can I do? I want to be sober, I am happy with what I now have now and he can't sabotage me.
Like some women in my group say about their spouses "Oh no you WONT make me drink!"

I just continued to increasingly ignore him and his alcoholic attitudes and he has been coming around, slowly but hopefully surely!!

Dee74

I'd stop trying to make him feel better TSH.
He did nothing wrong.

But if he felt it was wrong at the time, and is all guilty now, then why'd the hell did he do it anyway?

Just drink, don't drink - whatever.
Normies. Go figure LOL

leave him to it - he'll get over it
D

Eclipse

My husband is very encouraging about my stopping drinking as he pops open a beer! He's a great guy, but I don't think he gets how it affects me.

ToughChoices

For what it's worth - I read your husband's "confession" as a search for reassurance that he's doing an alright job supporting you.

Does he Al-Anon?
'Cause this scene reminds me of my unchecked codependency, "can't-say-what's-on-my-mind-but-desperately-want-to-talk" days. When my husband stopped drinking (not that he STAYED stopped ) I became very conscious of how supported he felt. I was under the very mistaken impression that what I did or did not do, what I said or did not say, and what I drank or did not drink would MAKE him drink.

I was terrified of relapse so I worked incredibly hard at being the "perfect" spouse.
That definitely meant that I wouldn't drink alcohol.
It definitely meant that I felt guilty if I changed my mind on a night out with friends and had a glass of wine.
And it definitely meant that I wanted my husband to tell me that he loved me, he was sober, and I was helping him.

I had a lot of insecurities - many of which quite naturally resulted from my husband's alcoholism. He could calm these insecurities temporarily, but I didn't find relief from them (and the weird, intense conversations about MY drinking and guilt) until I started working my own program.

Sorry that you're in the middle of his issues - it's hard to be on the receiving end of someone else's emotional baggage. I would just urge patience, reassurance, and, perhaps, a one-time Al-Anon suggestion.

It would be nice if we could give recovery to our loved ones.
As we cannot, we must approach the difficult situations that arise out of addiction as opportunities for our own growth.

Peace.
-TC

coffeenut

Hey, girl....I don't think you need to make your husband 'feel better'. So he drank. His issue, not yours.

I also don't think you need to convince him it's okay to drink, that too is his choice.

I think as women, we want to 'fix' things....maybe?

As I reread this, I sure sound condensending! I really don't mean to....maybe because talking about men, is like talking in a circle.....

TryingSoHard

As usual, Dee, you get my point. Thank you for that.

(And I didn't think he was doing anything wrong. And yes, I told him that.)

nordicwalker

Hi tsh,
I think he needs to go and talk to some-one, doctor , alonon whatever,
he just needs reassuring that things are ok! (From an impartiel outsider!)
You can't help him and you !
Us "Guys" do what we can but men have just not lived there lives talking about things you can't expect that to change overnight, it takes alot of work! You girls have a head start on us! Certainely not your problem for sure he needs to talk to other people!

If you don't mind tsh can I just say on your thread that I was a social drinker but decided to stop one year before my AW decided to stop not to help her or to make any kind of statement but when I saw what alcohol could do to someone that I adored and who became someone else in the space of minutes,I asked myself "Why would I want to put this substance into my body?" I'm lucky enough not to miss it at all!
Don't worry tsh there are ups and downs its normal
N.Walker.

TryingSoHard

That's all I was getting at when I posted this thread. I'm glad you saw it for what it was and understood where I was coming from. Thanks, NW.



TSH

panickywife

As the wife of a newly sober alcoholic, I sometimes feel guilty drinking when AH can't. I tell him only because I think it is important to be honest. Better that then him smelling it on my breath. It has been a toughy for us cause I don't like having any alcohol in the house and he gets P.O.'d about that saying he doesn't want everyone else to suffer because of his problem. I don't really consider not having alcohol in the house suffering. I consider it being supportive. I always compare it to when I am on a diet. You bet your buns if I am on a diet and he is sitting next to me eating Chipotle, I am P.O.'d. Is this situation different for alcoholics? Can it really not bother him?