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Feelings Realized

Old 12-17-2008, 07:22 PM
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JTinStLouis
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Feelings Realized

Yes actual feelings realized, it happens all the time I am sure to normal people. I have been sober about 50 some days now. I have real feelings of all kinds every single day now and actually choose to act upon them. Today when we were at the doctor with our little one year old girl she had to get her 1 year shots. This was the first time I have been present for this activity as I was drunk the previous 10 months of her life (the first 10 of her life) therefore I was not around as we all know how that goes. Sorry got off track a little here, what happened was I found it very hurtful and shocking seeing my little girl have these shots and have so much pain, she was of course crying as one would expect, but the part that got me was I saw here little hand shaking like trembling in a way that I knew this was really hurting her. This process was completed rather quickly and I scooped her up and held her until she stopped crying.
Now here is the tricky part once we got back into the car and began to head our of the doctors building, I found myself yelling and cursing at my fiancé about something as simple as one style of sippy cups leaking. I was stating “why in the “F” don’t we just throw all these away they leak on her or on everything else around her”. What was further unique about this is the fact that I identified and admitted it in the same moment. I was feeling hurt and afraid for my little girl and was very emotional, thus I took it out in anger at someone else. I apologized and explained how and what I was really feeling.
Of course this kept me thinking for some time today as I was forced to wonder how often I have done this with so many things and the past and would just suppress them at the time and completely bury them later with drugs and alcohol. I spent the rest of the day with our little girl as she has a cold and should not be spreading that wealth at daycare, and to be honest I wanted to be next to her the rest of the day.

JT
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Old 12-17-2008, 07:30 PM
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jh1
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so awesome, if must feel really good to actually feel the emotions that you as a Dad really have when you see your little girl in pain. You obviously are probably a very good father, as are many alcoholics-but alcohol seems like it does just that -takes you away from being the good father you really are. So Good work on the sober life and being there for your girl.
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Old 12-17-2008, 07:45 PM
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JTinStLouis
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Thank you jh1 yes it is nice however it is new and can be hard but I feel it is the good thing and the right thing, thank you again

JT
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Old 12-17-2008, 08:24 PM
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Hi Johnothan

Reading your post gives me hope for the future of my exabf. I pray that this man who used to be a wonderful father to our daughter and my other children, whom he considered his own at one time, and it breaks my heart to see that even that is gone.

It saddens me at times like this when I am alone here reading these posts and at the same time praying for a miracle.

All of the things that I thought could and should be a wake up call for him never were. It broke my heart with each passing loss for him more so because the reality of his addiction began to sink further and further into my mind.

I pray for a moment like yours to happen to him. Supposedly he has been clean for over a month now but his actions are still screaming ADDICT. I am just at a loss as to where it will go from here.

Go and give your fiance and little girl a kiss and remember that moment. I sorta envy that you have returned to your family.

Thanks for letting me share that....
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Old 12-17-2008, 08:38 PM
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JTinStLouis
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Hello Cassandra,

I will pray for your exabf as well. Ya know I cannot exactly tell you how it is I came to the decision to check myself into rehab. It was a day like any other I was at my apt (as I was asked to leave our house) drinking early in the morning. I had received some text from my finance' that morning and I just decided to take advice from everyone but me for a change. So I did it checked in and spent 25 days doing that deal and came back home when I was completed the recommended program. Things have been wonderful since I have stopped all drinks and drugs. I can say it is all kinds of different for both of us but different in a good way.
So there is hope out there for all of us and you my dear, I can tell you this if I can see my way out of that life I feel anyone surely can.

Love
JT
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