Hope this is it for me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 12
Hope this is it for me
Started over again today. I thought i could handle drinking even after my third dui on haloween and resulting 2 week hopital stay.
Saturday I went out with my usual drinking buddies and blacked out as usual. Normally i prefer to get quietly trashed at home and listen to sad music. When i go out i know that i will loose control.
I look like an idiot when i black out at the bar. My friends tell me that I hold my hands above my head and kinda lurch around. I dont understand or ever remember this but my guess is it is some kind of way to balance myself.
Came home drunk last night and upset a family member that is good enough to let my broke self live with them.
Through all the trouble and injury I've sustained I some how stay alive. At times I wonder why because at age 27, I have basically no life, skills, or career. I may not have much going on, but I absolutely cannot drink anymore.
Saturday I went out with my usual drinking buddies and blacked out as usual. Normally i prefer to get quietly trashed at home and listen to sad music. When i go out i know that i will loose control.
I look like an idiot when i black out at the bar. My friends tell me that I hold my hands above my head and kinda lurch around. I dont understand or ever remember this but my guess is it is some kind of way to balance myself.
Came home drunk last night and upset a family member that is good enough to let my broke self live with them.
Through all the trouble and injury I've sustained I some how stay alive. At times I wonder why because at age 27, I have basically no life, skills, or career. I may not have much going on, but I absolutely cannot drink anymore.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Oregon
Posts: 67
I'm glad you're here! This forum is so helpful for quitting and staying quit. Use it to gather information, and use it for support.
I understand what you mean when you talk about your lack of a "life." Alcohol really messes up those things. It becomes and obsession, and takes the place of your ambition. For the last couple of years before I quit, alcohol was my main interest. It came before school, work, and even being a good person sometimes.
The good news is that when you quit drinking, life starts to come together. Without alcohol in your way, you can grow as a person. I'm brand new to recovery and already my life is getting better.
You can do it!
I understand what you mean when you talk about your lack of a "life." Alcohol really messes up those things. It becomes and obsession, and takes the place of your ambition. For the last couple of years before I quit, alcohol was my main interest. It came before school, work, and even being a good person sometimes.
The good news is that when you quit drinking, life starts to come together. Without alcohol in your way, you can grow as a person. I'm brand new to recovery and already my life is getting better.
You can do it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 57
It is good news that you are really young. Most 27 year olds don't have a clue what they want to do in life, so you are not unusual. Further good news is, as Doll said, is that when you quit drinking, your life starts to come together. I have been sober for 2 1/2 months, and I am already noticing changes. I have become more interested in doing things other than going out to bars and nightclubs. Your mind is so powerful and it is programmed to automatically begin searching for "a life", as long as you don't continue to pollute it with drugs or alcohol. So instead of blaming yourself for your lack of a life, blame the alcohol. It is almost certainly the main culprit. Maybe if you look at alcohol as a bandit who is stealing your life from you, you might be more inclined to avoid it.
I have also noticed that there is a recurrent theme in many of the messages on this board of basically "how am I not dead yet." I think that is for 2 reasons--1.) God/life has a plan for us and we haven't fulfilled it yet, and 2.) God has great mercy and is giving us second and third and fourth chances to fix our mistakes. Just my opinion for what it is worth.
I have also noticed that there is a recurrent theme in many of the messages on this board of basically "how am I not dead yet." I think that is for 2 reasons--1.) God/life has a plan for us and we haven't fulfilled it yet, and 2.) God has great mercy and is giving us second and third and fourth chances to fix our mistakes. Just my opinion for what it is worth.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 114
hey staynalive. whats up man. I just recently, last wednesday decided to try for REAL to give it a real effort-now ive been having really ****** days the last 5 but feel a ton better now. I like you pretty much have got friends i like to go out with and know when i do im blacking out no doubt. So awhile ago I kind of put up excuses to them and things why i wouldnt go out because I didn't want everyone to give me talks about how I was like dead weight at the end of the night and blacked out. i would get defensive and say "u gotta be kidding, u guys drink as much as me, get off me", which is true is some respects but a lot of them do know when to go to bed where i stay up all night drinking and all the next day. So i just started drinking a lot by myself and been doing that for a few years but recently i had a crazy binge where i really couldnt remember almost 4 days! Anyways i know how you feel in some respects. I know i can't hang out with my bros much, unless its like a daytime event without booze, and its going to be really hard living alone knowing i drink a lot by myself. I do know though that when you do stay off drinking for awhile everything becomes clearer. Your friends,family and everyone will notice the effort your putting in to not drink. For your sake getting others respect and most importantly your own respect back is important. Put the past in the past because i know if you think about stupid things youve done you always want to drink more. YOU nor I can do anything about that-we can change the future though. As ralph said were young---you can try to get through it with me bro. The hard part for me is going to be this coming week when i feel good again and come home to an empty house, bored and in a good mood....thats when the hard part comes. I wish you luck though, life is definitely not over for you, you have definitely learned a ton so far about yourself and know that there's only good things ahead if you just change our ways.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,785
You too can get and stay sober, but you 've got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. Do you want to be sober that badly? I'm glad I stopped drinking before I got 'too bad off' and my luck ran out.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 12
Thanks for the encouraging words everyone. I was scared to even check the messages, I've had a fear of the unknown for the longest time. Probably a big reason for my alcoholism.
An old guy I worked with was an oldtimer in AA. When I told him I wanted to give up alcohol, he said he would give anything to have quit at my age. The same cool old dude is dying from liver failure and has to get regular blood transfusions. I guess that kinda puts things in perspective when I'm sitting around bitching.
An old guy I worked with was an oldtimer in AA. When I told him I wanted to give up alcohol, he said he would give anything to have quit at my age. The same cool old dude is dying from liver failure and has to get regular blood transfusions. I guess that kinda puts things in perspective when I'm sitting around bitching.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hey man
27 huh? cool age to be even though im sure it doesn't seem so, i am 37 just sobered up 9 weeks ago so don't worry too much about the dying soon bit:-)
The most important thing i had to learn was that i could not help myself and needed help, I'm not talking about a higher power or God but talking about going and seeing someone who was experienced with alcoholics, which of course you are! This can be counselling or AA and there are plenty of places to find help out there along with coming to SR. I guarantee you won't like doing what they say initially but if you really want to stop drinking and admit you cannot control it you will be very very receptive.
The second most important thing, after you stop for a bit, is the realisation that if you don't change your life/style you will at some point drink again.
All this they can help you with more than I can obviously so take the plunge, can the old guy take you to AA so you don't worry about going alone?
I don't regret not stopping 10 years ago but i do regret all the time i wasted trying to stop myself and worrying about health, my actions etc and wish id just got on with it until i was ready to stop but it doesn't work like that does it?!
I don't know your work position but a real good reason to stop now is that in the next 10 years you can work towards having everyday and in the future an amazing life and all the things you have ever wanted, in 10 years this may be more difficult. For me i am very lucky to work in IT and have always been able to earn real good money, used to gambling it away though (amazing what you can save in 9 weeks;-)) bit i've got 'mates' who are going to hit 40 soon still working with the 27 year olds at their level....surely you dont want that for yourself?
keep coming back and posting mate, we all want you to be well and happy:-)
27 huh? cool age to be even though im sure it doesn't seem so, i am 37 just sobered up 9 weeks ago so don't worry too much about the dying soon bit:-)
The most important thing i had to learn was that i could not help myself and needed help, I'm not talking about a higher power or God but talking about going and seeing someone who was experienced with alcoholics, which of course you are! This can be counselling or AA and there are plenty of places to find help out there along with coming to SR. I guarantee you won't like doing what they say initially but if you really want to stop drinking and admit you cannot control it you will be very very receptive.
The second most important thing, after you stop for a bit, is the realisation that if you don't change your life/style you will at some point drink again.
All this they can help you with more than I can obviously so take the plunge, can the old guy take you to AA so you don't worry about going alone?
I don't regret not stopping 10 years ago but i do regret all the time i wasted trying to stop myself and worrying about health, my actions etc and wish id just got on with it until i was ready to stop but it doesn't work like that does it?!
I don't know your work position but a real good reason to stop now is that in the next 10 years you can work towards having everyday and in the future an amazing life and all the things you have ever wanted, in 10 years this may be more difficult. For me i am very lucky to work in IT and have always been able to earn real good money, used to gambling it away though (amazing what you can save in 9 weeks;-)) bit i've got 'mates' who are going to hit 40 soon still working with the 27 year olds at their level....surely you dont want that for yourself?
keep coming back and posting mate, we all want you to be well and happy:-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 12
yeahgr8, I haven't actually been to AA in some time and unfortunately the older guy is pretty much bedridden these days. I don't have a problem showing up to the meetings, but I do struggle to accept any organizations and all the people involved.
At this point though I should probably just swallow my pride and roll with the program. I haven't had any sustained success going it alone.
One of my best (partying) bros is flying in from LA for the holidays, my whole crew will be reunited. Like jh1 mentioned, I will probably have to limit myself to daytime contact with my friends. As soon as I hit the bar it's on, except for the one time I drank near beers and was totally miserable. It's just so much easier to avoid a bad scene rather than white-knuckling and feeling the pressure.
At this point though I should probably just swallow my pride and roll with the program. I haven't had any sustained success going it alone.
One of my best (partying) bros is flying in from LA for the holidays, my whole crew will be reunited. Like jh1 mentioned, I will probably have to limit myself to daytime contact with my friends. As soon as I hit the bar it's on, except for the one time I drank near beers and was totally miserable. It's just so much easier to avoid a bad scene rather than white-knuckling and feeling the pressure.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 114
Originally Posted by staynalive 
yeahgr8, I haven't actually been to AA in some time and unfortunately the older guy is pretty much bedridden these days. I don't have a problem showing up to the meetings, but I do struggle to accept any organizations and all the people involved.
At this point though I should probably just swallow my pride and roll with the program. I haven't had any sustained success going it alone.
One of my best (partying) bros is flying in from LA for the holidays, my whole crew will be reunited. Like jh1 mentioned, I will probably have to limit myself to daytime contact with my friends. As soon as I hit the bar it's on, except for the one time I drank near beers and was totally miserable. It's just so much easier to avoid a bad scene rather than white-knuckling and feeling the pressure.
At this point though I should probably just swallow my pride and roll with the program. I haven't had any sustained success going it alone.
One of my best (partying) bros is flying in from LA for the holidays, my whole crew will be reunited. Like jh1 mentioned, I will probably have to limit myself to daytime contact with my friends. As soon as I hit the bar it's on, except for the one time I drank near beers and was totally miserable. It's just so much easier to avoid a bad scene rather than white-knuckling and feeling the pressure.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Hey
I found it really difficult at AA too and i only ended up doing a couple of weeks, it fell apart when i saw one of the guys there, his name was manolo, having a beer in a bar where in was having a coffee. I whispered to him, being a naive fool, are you sure you want to be doing that? and he said dont you know what anonymous means so i thought **** him...yet there was a woman i met there who saw me out one night and said to me are you well and walked on which i thought was nice so it takes all sorts and you just have to be open.
The reason i am going to go next month is 2 fold, it is a support mechanism and it gets you meeting people with the same sort of problem, alcohol, but more important is that it reminds you of why we dont want to drink anymore and i think the longer you stay sober the more we need reminding of this! So i would go!
I have to be careful what i say with regard to counselling as i earn good money and can afford to pay for my own counselling 2 times a week, now 3 with the group therapy with no problems, but at 27 i didn't have that much spare cash. But there must be some way you can get counselling out of the health service or find a less expensive option, isn't there as it is so important to me in my recovery and it would be impossible to have got the kick start i needed. And please do not rule out meds, don't listen to what i would have said even a year ago, i was totally anti-meds due to the stigma attached.
I didn't see it mate, i didn't see that i was depressed, i didn't see i had anxiety and i didn't see that i was self medicating using alcohol until it was pointed out to me and i got help from, what is in effect, a stranger. Just go to AA and don't listen to your self anymore as, if you were like me, you can't possibly start to analyse yourself and solve your problems when you are the one who keeps repeating this cycle of abusing yourself over and over again!
Cynics can look at this post as me having the usual early sober alchies trend of wanting to help other alchies but this is not the point of me writing this, i don't know you but i know exactly where you are and really would love you to make a start on getting better so you can start doing up beat posts;-)
One more thing on the meds, they prescribed me seroxat (paxil in the states) i did all the googling before i took the first pill and saw all the sites warning of the perils and all the withdrawl syptoms and still took them because i was right ready to buy a cut throat and run it across my throat in front of a mirror before i held my hand out for help 9 weeks ago so don't even buy into the idiots out there who bitch about meds, do what you have to in order to get better. I mean how the hell is any withdrawl syptom going to be worse than the hell i was living before and even if i am in the minority and the meds drive me to suicide i was there anyway ffs!!!! lol
As for the socialising go out during the day, i am going back to a country where i have done a great deal of drinking in the last 7 years. I have dumped all my 'friends' save 2 of them who are real friends, i will be hanging with them whilst they probably have beers during the day and then will leave when it gets darker and take some food and head back to the Hotel. I would suggest if you havent already to tell all your friends about your problem and the pain it causes you and the ones that would crack the bottle of beer over your head rather than watch you drink it after you have told them are your real friends and you caa have coffees etc with them even into the early night!
I really hope you get a bit of inspiration from all your new friends here and do something about it:-)
I found it really difficult at AA too and i only ended up doing a couple of weeks, it fell apart when i saw one of the guys there, his name was manolo, having a beer in a bar where in was having a coffee. I whispered to him, being a naive fool, are you sure you want to be doing that? and he said dont you know what anonymous means so i thought **** him...yet there was a woman i met there who saw me out one night and said to me are you well and walked on which i thought was nice so it takes all sorts and you just have to be open.
The reason i am going to go next month is 2 fold, it is a support mechanism and it gets you meeting people with the same sort of problem, alcohol, but more important is that it reminds you of why we dont want to drink anymore and i think the longer you stay sober the more we need reminding of this! So i would go!
I have to be careful what i say with regard to counselling as i earn good money and can afford to pay for my own counselling 2 times a week, now 3 with the group therapy with no problems, but at 27 i didn't have that much spare cash. But there must be some way you can get counselling out of the health service or find a less expensive option, isn't there as it is so important to me in my recovery and it would be impossible to have got the kick start i needed. And please do not rule out meds, don't listen to what i would have said even a year ago, i was totally anti-meds due to the stigma attached.
I didn't see it mate, i didn't see that i was depressed, i didn't see i had anxiety and i didn't see that i was self medicating using alcohol until it was pointed out to me and i got help from, what is in effect, a stranger. Just go to AA and don't listen to your self anymore as, if you were like me, you can't possibly start to analyse yourself and solve your problems when you are the one who keeps repeating this cycle of abusing yourself over and over again!
Cynics can look at this post as me having the usual early sober alchies trend of wanting to help other alchies but this is not the point of me writing this, i don't know you but i know exactly where you are and really would love you to make a start on getting better so you can start doing up beat posts;-)
One more thing on the meds, they prescribed me seroxat (paxil in the states) i did all the googling before i took the first pill and saw all the sites warning of the perils and all the withdrawl syptoms and still took them because i was right ready to buy a cut throat and run it across my throat in front of a mirror before i held my hand out for help 9 weeks ago so don't even buy into the idiots out there who bitch about meds, do what you have to in order to get better. I mean how the hell is any withdrawl syptom going to be worse than the hell i was living before and even if i am in the minority and the meds drive me to suicide i was there anyway ffs!!!! lol
As for the socialising go out during the day, i am going back to a country where i have done a great deal of drinking in the last 7 years. I have dumped all my 'friends' save 2 of them who are real friends, i will be hanging with them whilst they probably have beers during the day and then will leave when it gets darker and take some food and head back to the Hotel. I would suggest if you havent already to tell all your friends about your problem and the pain it causes you and the ones that would crack the bottle of beer over your head rather than watch you drink it after you have told them are your real friends and you caa have coffees etc with them even into the early night!
I really hope you get a bit of inspiration from all your new friends here and do something about it:-)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 114
Good post yeahgr8. As for the pointing out to your friends you want to not drink-im sure most of your friends know you drink waaay too much, i mean if your like me your the one who blacksout, and stays up the latest still drinking into the next day-all my friends know just from going out i drink too much.. Though i will never tell anyone how much i drink by myself at this point besides safe places for me like this. But, yea if you don't want to say another excuse just say it. And also if your like me, most of your friends could be classified as alcoholics also, haha, i know quite a few of mine binge quite a bit-who knows if they drink alone, but i know drinkin around 15 drinks/night weekend after weekend isnt normal, haha. But, yea again the hard part to me is resisting the invitation at the time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: SC
Posts: 12
jh1, yeahgr8 thanks for the well thought out responses. I don't think there's anything wrong with advice from newly sober alchies. Personally I've always given way better advice than I followed for myself.
I dont look forward to going to meetings and the older cat warned me a while back, that "some of the stuff you hear in AA is pure BS".
Im just going to take what i can from it to stay sober. I spent mucho tiempo drinking, so I've got to put something in it's place. It may be AA mixed with crazy exercise and nutrition regimen. My body is weak from my accident, and i've got like 20lbs to gain.
My friends know I cant/shouldn't drink. They were totally reluctant to drink with me after my DUI, but they caved pretty easy. I've been writing down the negatives from my blackouts, man there's a lot. That loss of dignity you feel the next day has to be worst, right along with trying to play off a night of crawling from bar to bar as some kind of epic adventure, having to reclaim your debit card from an open bar tab the next day, finding all the cash in your wallet gone, dodging texts from females you cant remember....
I dont look forward to going to meetings and the older cat warned me a while back, that "some of the stuff you hear in AA is pure BS".
Im just going to take what i can from it to stay sober. I spent mucho tiempo drinking, so I've got to put something in it's place. It may be AA mixed with crazy exercise and nutrition regimen. My body is weak from my accident, and i've got like 20lbs to gain.
My friends know I cant/shouldn't drink. They were totally reluctant to drink with me after my DUI, but they caved pretty easy. I've been writing down the negatives from my blackouts, man there's a lot. That loss of dignity you feel the next day has to be worst, right along with trying to play off a night of crawling from bar to bar as some kind of epic adventure, having to reclaim your debit card from an open bar tab the next day, finding all the cash in your wallet gone, dodging texts from females you cant remember....
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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At this point though I should probably just swallow my pride and roll with the program. I haven't had any sustained success going it alone.
I have a lot yet to accomplish and you only being 27 have so much more to accomplish then me. Do not expect it to happen over night, it won't, but the day will come when you can look back and say "Wow I have come a long way!"
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