drained22

I'm a codie and I have a alcoholic female friend. I brought up her alcoholism, today I said it for what it is, she denied it yet she admitted it when she was drunk but she ripped me apart. telling me how I should loose her #, that the way she party is how adults party and I'm looking at it like a child is while she does coke, weed and gets drunk every time we're out together. (her mom says she gets drunk every day).

she is a alcoholic and I'm highly positive about it. grandfather is a alco, father is too and so is she. her mom tells me she goes to the gas station and buys beer during the day. I known this because she would be drunk and asks me to stop at the station too. (first time she said she needed to buy beer for her dad).

I'm emotionally destroyed. I care about her and she knows it yet she is cold and rips me apart.

I know its turkey day and just want to know what the people who have been on the sending side think.

Rainbowgirl128

Hi Drained. Sorry you are going through this. Ive read some of your other posts, too, and I'm wondering...are you in love with this girl? Or just good friends?

I know the feeling of being in love with someone and not being able to get over them despite their faults and the constant pain. It's a hard place to be.

drained22

Yes. we were something, she never wanted a relationship. shes a fantastic woman when she is with me. we grown cold because I question her drinking. I knew I was going to be the bad guy but she has to get better.

she told me last sunday she knows I treat her really good and that I shouldn't. that was after she drank a 9% alcohol energy drink from the gas station.

her friends are scum but she doesnt see it. she said I'm a total buzz kill.

In all honesty I don't want to loose her but her mind isn't acting normal right now. her being so coldhearted is what drives me crazy. she has alot of guy friends too. I never met any of her female friends either.

when she gets angry at me I feel like im a dog that hides because he knows he did something wrong. tail between the legs thing.

this is how I'm spending thanksgiving day, laying in my bed.

CarolD

Hmm...
I realize you are hurting over your inability to help an alcoholic.
I found Al anon immensley helpful when I was dealing
with family members and their various addictions.

I learned about boundaries in Al anon
and of course....the 3 C's.

I strongly suggest you find a local Al anon meeting.

Not all loves/friendships/relationships last a long time.
That takes committment from both people.
She may be cold hearted because she's just not into you.

drained22

nope, she commented on her coldness, her mom even asked her and she repeatedly says she cares about me, loves me but when it comes to situations like this she is coldhearted.

I read other members experience their partners being cold also so its just not me. I assume the coldness comes from the alcohol addiction.

she acted like Lawrence from the A&E documentary. he even told his brothers and friends they can leave and thats what happened to me.

Stubborn1

Would it make any difference if I said she will still probably be cold "IF" she chose to quit? She's surrounded by enablers. Knowing what you know you are a volenteer in this relationship. You should never let anyone treat you with disrespect. She's in denial. Tell her to look you up when she's been clean a year. She sounds like a train wreck.....get off the tracks man.

Rainbowgirl128

id have to agree with stubborn and others who said you can't have a relationship with this girl while she is in denial and continues to drink the way she does now. you also cant control her willingness to get sober. all you can do it not accept to have her as part of your life as long as she is behaving this way.

if this helps you i will share some insight into emotional problems that led to my addiction to alcohol. i am terrified of being vulnerable and terrified of being rejected, especially in a romantic situation. i drank to loosen up and lose my inhibitions at first. and then i drank to numb the pain of any rejection i experienced. when i am sober i put up walls around myself to avoid getting hurt. i realized while drinking that drinking no longer helped to build relationships...its sabotaged my chances of having one. i knew i wanted a trusting relationship, so i decided to quit drinking.

in response to stubborn above, yes, she probably will be cold when she quits. i know i am cold and untrusting if i think someone has the potential to hurt me. that is the main thing i am working on in sobriety...learning how to put past experiences aside and open myself up again. its not easy when we are used to relying on alcohol. your girl may have a similar problem. but still she wont get any better until she puts down the drink and starts to work on these issues. you dont deserve the abuse so it may be wise and necessary for you to walk away until she is in recovery. good luck, drained.

drained22

It's like saying goodbye to a family member. we grown closer but I've been trying to cut her off in some way, I stopped paying for alcohol. refuse to go to the city to clubs with her. shes a promoter and gets free alcohol at the bar and I refuse to see her destroy herself. I told her I don't like seeing her like that.

shes so manipulative that she makes me think there is something wrong with me when I'm already insecure. I also stopped spending time with her like I usually do.

while I took out alcoholism books from my college lib. I ordered under the influence today. can't wait to read it!.

dennis72

you might have to let her hit a bottom

Stubborn1

Welcome to the world of friends and family of alcoholics. I can save you the time of reading EVERY al-anon book.
Focus on yourself
Let go and let God......
Detach with love......


Pretty simple. You are not powerful enough to make her want to quit. She is surrounded by enablers and even has a job with a bunch of them. I hate to say it but she doesn't seem to be one with a fighting chance. If you want to help her, pray for her.
It will all stop when you stop it. So........are you a victim or a volunteer? *daily motto now*:codiepolice

drained22

yes she commented on the fact that she has been hurt in the past. she has what is called psychological dependence. she uses alcohol to numb the pain. she told me one story of her first bf who cheated on her with someone who didn't quite physically match up to her.

she said she has been seriously hurt in the past, I have to dig in to get some information but what she tells me she has seriously been hurt.

one of the things that sticked out at me is she said people used to ditch her when she was in HS or even now. she was a outcast and then she said she began drinking and was seen as a party girl so they began to accept her.

her mom told me that people, the good people, get fed up and leave but she just makes new people and the ones that stay are scumbags.

when she is sober she says shes such a dork because she says funny dorky lines but I like them. I don't judge her like other people do. I try not to.

she'll prob. call me in a few days and not even mention anything and asks me to hang out. thats the way she is, she won't apologize or act like anything happened.

when I used to take her to dinner, she would ALWAYS drink 3 martini's at the restaurant.

I memorized her drink because she always ordered it. Beefeater martini with bombay, dry with 3 olives, then she switched to pearl onions. she knew alot about alcohol, she said it was actually a gibson and the martini had 3 shots of gin each so she would be drinking 9 shots. she would be unable to walk everytime and I would have to hold her to my car.

she would want to get a 12pack to drink in the car, at first drinking in the car freaked me out but I gotten so used to it , it doesnt phase me. she does gulp the beers down, she is a puny 100- 110 Size 1 and she gulps beers down like its nothing.

I always knew something was up but alittle by little I've been connecting the dots. the thing that mentally destroyed me is that one time (when I was buying her beer) she opened the box in the car, drank about 2-3 then drove her home, the box was already open and she couldnt walk, she was on her lawn and the cans fell out and here is this woman I started to get attached to picking up cans and stumbling.

Stubborn1

They broke up with her because she has serious mental issues. Her mother (the enabler) is wanting someone else to take over her dirty deed. You are being used my friend with capital letters.
Not to hurt your feelings but you are not anymore special then all the others that came along. The BS her and her mother told you is just that......BS.
You feel sorry for this girl. You can not be her savior. You do not have that power.
Please go to al-anon meetings.

drained22

her mom wants to kick her out and I hope she does. not because I like it to happen but she has to have nothing left. her dad on the other hand doesnt want her to be kicked out.

she doesnt understand reality. her parents dont pay tuition, nor give her money nor does her mom let her get a license. she thinks her parents don't want to help her but I assume paying for her tuition would enable her behavior. the license is obvious and also is the money issue.

Stubborn1

They way you explain this girl she sounds as if she is suffering from alcoholic malnutrition and is literally dying. She can no longer hold her alcohol and can be a sign of liver failure to come. I am not a doctor but I know this is one sick girl.

Rainbowgirl128

sh!t! 9 shots over the course of a meal??! thats like what an hour or hour and a half? and then she wants a 12 pack? and she is 110 lbs? thats crazy!!!!! if she can handle that i would venture to guess that her body has become very tolerant/dependent. it is really hard to see someone you care about be reduced to a stumbling mess, unable to walk. ive been on both sides of that situation. she acknowledges that she uses alcohol to self-medicate because of past experiences but she refuses to quit?

drained22

I'm not sure, her mom said the addiction started 2 years ago. shes 21 now.

the mom gave me her # but they spend more time with her. she goes out every night, in no way do I see her mother putting her daughter on me.

she has red spots on her legs and sometimes on her arm, she said she has ampoxia or something to that regard, can't really remember at this time, I seen her undressed yet she doesnt have the black spot near her liver. I mentally put what looks like scabs into the not sure area.

drained22

shes a little thing. she has black outs, she brags about them as some sort of ability of operating without remembering anything. she doesnt know what they are.

yep, she would be crying in my car and tell me alcohol numbs the pain. she also said "this is me" when I told her I don't like seeing her like this.

the alcohol fills up the whole martini glass. Beef eater martini which is gin and bombay sapphire.

I read somewhere that alcoholics start with beer, then martini's then whiskey.

she admitted it twice that she has a problem but only when she is wasted. she directs me her house after the night is over even when she is wasted, tells you alot about whats happening.

I told her mom I don't know the whole story. (her sister goes to college out of state so she doesnt have to be home) but I know what I see. I knew what I saw wasn't normal at first. her mom told me she tells her she has one martini which isnt true.

Stubborn1

If she's anything like my best friend who passed away there is always a guy out there to buy a tiny girl a few drinks to drown her sorrows. There are always parents or family to feel sorry for her for one reason or another. You KNOW she is an alcoholic, she isn't ready to quit so she will not.
This is a progressive disease, a deadly disease. It doesn't pick favorite. If there were an easy answer none of us would be here. No one would be fighting for their lives. You are not her savior, you do not have that kind of power. She is going to do what she wants.
I wish you the best. You'll learn in time.

drained22

yep, she is really pretty. she'll get what she wants. when she is sober, she has a dorky personality but I really like it but I never get enough time with her, she changes when she drinks alcohol.

I'm already learning. I'm making a big fuss so she doesnt pass away. she means alot to me but I know there is someone in there that I want to meet.

I was thinking of only spending time with her in the morning, take her out to breakfast. would that still be enabling?

Rainbowgirl128

you sound like a good guy...i hope a sober girl will come along and take your mind off this one.