Can loved ones help in a healthy way?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Can loved ones help in a healthy way?
I normally post under friends and family, which has been a sanity-saver, but I thought perhaps you could help me out by sharing your experience. Sometimes I feel I need to get the perspective of addicts/alcoholics to make sense of things.
I met my ABF two years ago and I thought he was just a party animal who loves to go out with the boys (I successfully ignored the signs that it might be more than that). He did not drink consistently, but when he did he was wasted. For the first year of our relationship the frequency seemed within the ordinary. Then he had more binges (he was living with me by that time). He would go to the bar and come home to pass out wherever), but overall he was more sober than not.
I went away for the summer and we couldn't talk much. When I came back, he was binge-drinking every night and smoking pot before work and in the evening, on weekends all day long. I had no idea what in the world was going on. He said at first he was depressed and missed me and it seems as if there was a point of no return somewhere. August and September were hard for us because he drank, I nagged, he blamed me, I blamed him, etc. We had some good and honest talks in between, but overall we were both stressed to the max which gives me bad anxiety and makes him drink and there you have that viscious cycle....
He then moved out (for work-related reasons) and things calmed down a bit. I was reading here and got lots of great support from lovely people here at SR. We don't see each other often right now, but the last time I was at his place I saw several empty vodka bottles on the kitchen counter, which was new. He has never had hard liquor at home. Recently he spent one night in jail for something minor (a verbal argument while drunk) and when I picked him up the next day, he bought a can of Jim Beam and Coke and drank it in less than 30 seconds. He wanted to open the can in the car, but I asked him not to. This was also different: in the past he would have never involved me in anything even remotely illegal. He still treats me well, but with less effort (I don't know how else to put it). He calls me less and less. He was planning on coming over recently, but got wasted instead.
I am now trying to keep my cool, focus on myself, and hope for the best. But the progression worries me. He is not totally distancing himself (yet?), but something is changing and there are now more occasions where he chooses alcohol over me and I just feel that there is a distance that wasn't there before. I am trying not to take it personally that he is more distant and I try not to worry myself sick over him. I will also try to find an Al-anon meeting.
I know he has to want a change, but is there anything that a loved one has done that helped you? Even if it's just a note or some sign of "I am here"? I know what I need to do for myself and I come first, but if there is anything I can do for him that does not interfere with my well-being, I would really like to know. I know every one is different, but perhaps you'd like to share with me how it was for you and your loved ones.
Thank you for reading this far!
Kimmie
PS: He has been in treatment before, but it was court-ordered and he didn't really think he had a problem at the time. He didn't mind going there and recently, after admitting that he DOES have a problem, I asked him if he could see himself attending sessions and a therapist there again and that I would give him rides. He agreed at the time, but we haven't talked about it for a while and I don't know if I should bring it up.
I met my ABF two years ago and I thought he was just a party animal who loves to go out with the boys (I successfully ignored the signs that it might be more than that). He did not drink consistently, but when he did he was wasted. For the first year of our relationship the frequency seemed within the ordinary. Then he had more binges (he was living with me by that time). He would go to the bar and come home to pass out wherever), but overall he was more sober than not.
I went away for the summer and we couldn't talk much. When I came back, he was binge-drinking every night and smoking pot before work and in the evening, on weekends all day long. I had no idea what in the world was going on. He said at first he was depressed and missed me and it seems as if there was a point of no return somewhere. August and September were hard for us because he drank, I nagged, he blamed me, I blamed him, etc. We had some good and honest talks in between, but overall we were both stressed to the max which gives me bad anxiety and makes him drink and there you have that viscious cycle....
He then moved out (for work-related reasons) and things calmed down a bit. I was reading here and got lots of great support from lovely people here at SR. We don't see each other often right now, but the last time I was at his place I saw several empty vodka bottles on the kitchen counter, which was new. He has never had hard liquor at home. Recently he spent one night in jail for something minor (a verbal argument while drunk) and when I picked him up the next day, he bought a can of Jim Beam and Coke and drank it in less than 30 seconds. He wanted to open the can in the car, but I asked him not to. This was also different: in the past he would have never involved me in anything even remotely illegal. He still treats me well, but with less effort (I don't know how else to put it). He calls me less and less. He was planning on coming over recently, but got wasted instead.
I am now trying to keep my cool, focus on myself, and hope for the best. But the progression worries me. He is not totally distancing himself (yet?), but something is changing and there are now more occasions where he chooses alcohol over me and I just feel that there is a distance that wasn't there before. I am trying not to take it personally that he is more distant and I try not to worry myself sick over him. I will also try to find an Al-anon meeting.
I know he has to want a change, but is there anything that a loved one has done that helped you? Even if it's just a note or some sign of "I am here"? I know what I need to do for myself and I come first, but if there is anything I can do for him that does not interfere with my well-being, I would really like to know. I know every one is different, but perhaps you'd like to share with me how it was for you and your loved ones.
Thank you for reading this far!
Kimmie
PS: He has been in treatment before, but it was court-ordered and he didn't really think he had a problem at the time. He didn't mind going there and recently, after admitting that he DOES have a problem, I asked him if he could see himself attending sessions and a therapist there again and that I would give him rides. He agreed at the time, but we haven't talked about it for a while and I don't know if I should bring it up.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I don't give popular advice on hanging on to an
active alcoholic....however..
.Run for the hills. Cut him out of your life.
I did that...he survived...I thrived.
active alcoholic....however..
.Run for the hills. Cut him out of your life.
I did that...he survived...I thrived.
Helping Others, Helps Me
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Dakota
Posts: 481
I know I caused my gf a lot of pain and hurt when I would relapse, or due to a relapse I would not call or answer her calls to not "upset" her because she would know right away by how I sounded. And I never really went into the liquor store or bar with intentions on hurting her, but every time I did go either of those places I did hurt her.
I can see how alcoholism sometimes is an isolation disease, I avoided the people who cared about my drinking and what it was doing to me, when I drank. And I am a very social person otherwise.....
I can see how alcoholism sometimes is an isolation disease, I avoided the people who cared about my drinking and what it was doing to me, when I drank. And I am a very social person otherwise.....
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
The best thing that my family ever did for me was to totally stop tolerating my crap! My wife and kids had a place all set to move into at the end of the month, my wife told me she was not going to let the kids watch me drink myself to death. The timing of this was very close to perfection because I was veary near my bottom then and did not even know it.
My wifes first husband was an alcoholic as well, I knew for a fact that when she said she was gone............ she was GONE!!!!! She told him he needed to stop drinking or he was gone! He did not stop drinking, she called the cops and he was GONE!!!!
Unlike her first husband though, she did not give me the choice of quitting, she had enough, it was over!!!! I had a moment of clarity and I saw death in my future if I did not stop, I put myself into detox and then jumped into AA with both feet, for some reason she stayed around and I stayed sober thanks to the program of AA and my HP.
Begging, crying, offering to help me stay sober did nothing for me, I quit when I saw absolutely no way out except death if I kept drinking.
My wifes first husband was an alcoholic as well, I knew for a fact that when she said she was gone............ she was GONE!!!!! She told him he needed to stop drinking or he was gone! He did not stop drinking, she called the cops and he was GONE!!!!
Unlike her first husband though, she did not give me the choice of quitting, she had enough, it was over!!!! I had a moment of clarity and I saw death in my future if I did not stop, I put myself into detox and then jumped into AA with both feet, for some reason she stayed around and I stayed sober thanks to the program of AA and my HP.
Begging, crying, offering to help me stay sober did nothing for me, I quit when I saw absolutely no way out except death if I kept drinking.
Adjusting my Sails
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,021
It wasn't until my wife, the last hold out, turned her back on me that I finally found sobriety. The only two left were me and God. That's where my help came from.
I then called a guy who became my sponsor, went to meetings, read the book of alcoholics anonymous several times, worked the steps suggested in the book and my wife and I are working on our relationship without alcohol in the mix.
People call truth "tough love". The truth is only he can admit to his innermost self he is powerless over alcohol. Not even treatment centers can do that.
I then called a guy who became my sponsor, went to meetings, read the book of alcoholics anonymous several times, worked the steps suggested in the book and my wife and I are working on our relationship without alcohol in the mix.
People call truth "tough love". The truth is only he can admit to his innermost self he is powerless over alcohol. Not even treatment centers can do that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Thank you all for replying. I will admit that tough love is not my strong suit, but right now I am not happy. I feel abandoned and insecure about this relationship. He was going to come over, but got drunk instead (and knows he is not welcome here drunk). It hurts to know that that was his choice.
We still have quality time when we see each other, but we hardly see each other anymore.
I have to think about this, but your posts are a big help in resisting my co-dependent thinking of "I cannot leave him. How would he cope without me."
Thank you and congratulations on your sobriety!
We still have quality time when we see each other, but we hardly see each other anymore.
I have to think about this, but your posts are a big help in resisting my co-dependent thinking of "I cannot leave him. How would he cope without me."
Thank you and congratulations on your sobriety!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
