tommy79

I first came on these boards about 4 years ago when I was 25. Surprise surprise I've continued drinking but things have basically got worse, and I'm very conscious I'm not getting any younger. I posted the following as a private message to an SR friend (who I've been in touch with the whole time) and she suggested posting it here and seeing what response I get. I feel at a pretty low ebb right now and any opinions are welcome. Thank you in advance...

"The thing is...when I first came on SR and posted, and was in touch with you a lot (was looking at some of my old PMs to you, quite an interesting insight!) I was obsessed with the whole issue - I couldn't believe I was an A, I thought about it the whole time, I used to read biographies of famous people who were etc. etc. Now I just don't care. I don't find the whole issue interesting or anything...I just want to be well again. I'm not even despairing or asking why me? I'm just drinking. A lot. And altho I said I was frightened before, I don't think I'm nearly frightened enough.

So posting on SR seems irrelevant [sorry...]. I can't even honestly say if I want to stop drinking or not...I'm too numb. I guess on some level I do want it to end. I think maybe the consistency of my drinking at the moment is possibly inducing a slight depression, who knows.

I think, on balance, 90 in 90 is a more sensible idea than rehab at the moment."

Any messages, especially from people who've been thro similar phases, are very welcome. I reaaally want to stop, and am 100% convinced I'm an alcoholic (I know that's hard for many to understand, as the moment they accepted it was the moment they stopped). I just can't get out of this rut. Prior to my heavy drinking I was, I hope, reasonably successful etc. I'm very ambitious and increasingly frustrated by not being in a position to have any success. This is a major issue for me...and maybe a spur to stop drinking. Or maybe not. As I say, opinions welcome!

thanks for reading,

Tommy

CarolD

Glad to see you here again...

For me to actually quit...
I had to want to stop
more than I wanted to drink

That happened because my alcoholism was
making me depressed ..miserable and edgeing on insantiy.

I do hope you will find your way
Recvery Rocks!...:

Anna

Hi Tommy,

I agree that getting out of the rut, getting out of the vicious cycle of addiction, is really hard. It takes a leap of faith. I was so desperate that I was willing to take that leap. I hope you will too.

BaldHeadedJohn

Tommy,
Got here a little late, but I am certainly wishing you all the best!
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Blessings be you.

BHJ

Tommyh

I'm too numb.

that caught my eye
not sure what you mean by it but I`ll share what I went thru and others I know went thru.
I have had some friends who said they felt numb,emotionally numb.Like a zombie when they first tried to get sober and soon after.I went thru a lot of it too.Over time it does get better provided we do the work.Sometimes it takes outside help after you get sober.A oldtimer named Fred lived with it 28 yrs and finally went to get outside help and is doing much better.He found out he suffers from a disorder not related to alcoholism.He went thru a lot of traumas in his early life before he started drinking.Of course it could just be all the drinking

Celebration1994

I know for me until I decided I WANTED to stop drinking, nothing, absolutely nothing could stop me. Alcohol had all power over me. From there I had to find sober people to teach me how not to drink 1 day at a time. Until I was willing to do this I could not stop. For me it was honesty, openmindedness, and being willing that I had to learn to do early on to not drink. The 1st step for me was about surrendering. Surrender was to me, putting down the weapon of denial and walking to the winning side. I have gotten sober and have a life beyond my wildest dreams, that is alcohol free.

I wouln't trade my worst day sober for my best day drunk....I have been drunk, I have been sober....I sure like sober a whole bunch better

Blessings and love~Terry

bostonluv

I admitted to being an alcoholic about a year and half ago. After that "magical" moment I lasted about 72 hours before I had some wine. I tried to stop a few times. Would dedicate myself to it. Would be certain I needed to and then lose momemtum and then shrug it off. I knew I was an alcoholic but........I sort of hoped for a bottom but was also terrified of the bottom - what would happen? How much would I lose if I continued to drink the way I did?

Well, you can surely understand the above. I just got to the point where I'd had enough and kept ending back in the same dark place each time. Every single time. No matter how I started, how I moderated, how much I didn't want to hurt anyone with my drinking (including myself!). Step 1: I am powerless over alcohol after that first drink is what I had to believe in order to stop and stay stopped. Some days I wonder what would happen if I had "one?" But I've never had one in my life. For me, it became obvious that it was easier to abstain then to moderate. It was too much effort, too painful, too hard and I always failed renforcing this weak image I already of myself. It hurt. I wish you the very best and that you find strength and peace. BTW: I am only sober 68 days but it feels like a miracle to me. I hope to never drink again and that doesn't scare the sh*t out of me anymore. miracle #2.

Ananda

I got sober a long time ago and then began to drink again in 1999. Within 2 weeks I knew I was an alchoholic and certainly within a year I new I wanted to stop drinking. I drank 7 more years.

I finally went to inpatient treatment. The people at treatment felt that my probelm was not that I didn't WANT to be sober, but that I didn't think it was possible that I COULD get sober. I absolutely believe that to be true today.

I have now been sober over a year. And it still baffles me how it was that I came to believe that sobriety could happen for me. I know I did believe at 2 mos sober, but not sure exactly how it happened.

I do know that what worked for me was inpateint treatment for a month. I really don't think it could have happened any other way for me at that point. I had drank my way through outpatient treatment the year before I went to inpatient.

You sound similar enough to me that I wanted to let you know how it happened for me...you just might find that in patient treatment is what you need for who and where you are right now.

Please keep coming to SR and sharing.

tommy79

Same here, precisely. I'm waiting for alcoholic hepatitis or something, anything, to really stop me. I'm kinda fascinated - what will my bottom be? But everyone's is different, and who knows, maybe getting the sack or a DUI *won't* stop me...nothing has happened yet, just the ever-increasing misery of heavy drinking, now every day. I used to have 1-3 days sober regularly, a couple of times even longer (I think 2 1/2 months is my record). Now, never.

Anyway, thanks for all the messages. I guess I'll just keep on keeping on and maybe posting a bit more often.

Oh and ananda - yeah I think maybe inpatient rehab may be necessary. I know it's the jolt a lot of successfully sober alkies need to get them started. I know only I can help me in the long-term, but that might help get me out of the proverbial rut. BUT (and it's a big but)...like many alcoholics there's something stopping me: Pride. *I* can't be bad enough for that, surely? Also, almost nobody knows about my problem (genuinely). How to admit it, and admit it's actually that bad? Also what about work etc.? I can't just take a month off...I know, excuses. There are always so many of them!

Freedom1990

Jails, institutions, and death. Those will take care of work for you!

Chris80

Tommy, I've been there. I thought that no one would support me if I took time off of work. My experience is that most other people knew that I had some type of problem before I thought anyone knew. At my last company, I was close enough to my boss to tell him what was going on. He was very supportive and helped me get 45 days off to go to rehab.

I think that if you go to HR or your company EAP if you have one, you will be suprised at how much help is available. Remember that alcoholism is a disease and you can't get fired for a medical condition.

And I don't know your situation at work, but if yours is anything like mine was, you might end up getting fired anyway if you miss too much time, etc. Just keep that in mind. Someone told me that and I didn't believe them, until I lost a job due to absences.

There is always a lower bottom - I have 2 DUI's and no license, lost a job, lost several friendships, and have lost a bunch of money. But the worst thing is that I didn't lose any of those things, I gave them away to alcohol.

Best of luck in staying sober.

deezaldog

I stopped drinking because it stopped working for me. It was no longer fun, only sickness and hangovers. My drinking landed me on the waiting list for a liver transplant, with sobriety I was taken off the list. My liver healed. I started drinking again and sick again. While I am not on a transplant list anylonger my return to drinking has left me with permenant liver and heart damage. I take three medications every day now. How is that for hitting a bottum. Do you want to really find out how your bottum would be? In the AA big book it says our drinking results in institution or death. I feel lucky to not have reached that kind of bottum. Hope you do not end up with what I have. Wishing you all the best that sobriety can bring you. LOL

brigid

i think i really knew i was alcoholic at 19-20 and then kept playing with it until i was 33. gosh i used to try drinking on my own in the early days just to check out if that was me, hey guess what it was ... shocing revelation really (just kidding) I did heaps of things knowing that it was a game. really a bit like i was an observer. just knowing doesn't make you stop. I wanted to stop and that didn't make me stop.

i just kept praying to stop though, cause i wanted to ... i wanted a better life sometime. AND i do have one now. I did stop and life is better ... it did happen for me. I just told myself that there was nothing really wrong with me ... i just had to not drink and everything would eventually be ok ... and i stopped and it is. and there is so much more of life in front of me ... i have done some time drinking and that was a number of years but there are so many more left and they are going to be ok.

Not all happy days ... but **** ... better to feel than to drown away emotions. If i am sad now and then (and i am) that is ok cause i am much more often happy.

It can happen, keep wanting it!!!!!!

tommy79

Well I may as well post the latest in my sad little story: I threw myself into recovery this week. I was going to do 90 in 90. I went to meetings on monday and tuesday, loved them as usual, woke up every morning LOVING not having a hangover :bounce

Anyway, on Wednesday night I was exhausted, it was a friend's birthday and I just thought OK I'm not going to a meeting tonight but I won't drink. And, you know what...I didn't! I went to a restaurant, drank coke etc. Lots of booze around all night and I just drank tea happily, didn't have to think about it, thought through the principles that were fresh in my mind from the previous two nights' meetings etc. All felt really good.

I felt aMAzing on Thursday morning, had a good day's work...then just decided to get drunk, on my own, that night. Simple as that. And now I'm drunk again today (it's 5 in the afternoon here by the way).

I'm not feeling too despairing...but I think the message is, keep going to meetings. I think 90 in 90 might actually be necessary. I feel confident I wouldn't have slipped had I gone to a meeting on Wednesday night. So there you go...lesson learnt. Hopefully I can get to another meeting soon.

One other thing to add: getting sober. 3 1/2 days sober, complete with feeling that it was for the long haul, is an experience I haven't had for years (I've sobered up a couple of times before but a long time ago now). A LOT of strange emotions went through me. I realised that things have changed; that there's no getting back to the "old" me pre-alcoholism. Just the opportunity, through AA, to be happy; but never the same. I think this is partly what everyone goes through as they reach their 30s, saying goodbye to their youth etc. Just for a suddenly sober alcoholic, it really hit me out of the blue. Very strange; like I'm a different person or something. Anyway, just something else to deal with and absorb in sobriety, when I make it.

It's so simple: there's the keys to the kingdom; and the bottle and the hangover. WHY do we find it so hard to make the choice, even when, in my case, I've glimpsed the kingdom and know what it has to offer?!?!...

Ananda

Tommy! You reminded me...that ws one of teh biggest stumbling blocks i had at first.....I HAD to let go of who I was in order to allow myself to be who I am and move forwad. That was sooooo huge...I wanted so badly to be who I thought I was, but we all change moment to moment and year to year....if we cling to who we were yesterday, we miss the trip! and it hugely made me want to drink to try to hang on to who I had decided i was!

Get to a meeting and get on with your sobriety. If you are too drunk to go tonight, get to one tomarrow morning as early a possible...and see if someone won't spend some time with you after the meeting it might help.

Glad you are posting!

Boleo

Back when I was young and not a raging alcoholic, I was able to achieve most of my goals with diligence and tenacity. If I had an important test for school or work I would cram for it a week or to ahead of time using maximum diligence. If at first I did not succeed, I tried, tried again till I accomplished my mission using tenacity.

When I finally got around to figuring out that I was alcoholic, I attempted to use my same old tools; diligence and tenacity. I read all the best books on recovery, I went to the best AA meetings and I sought out the most respected sponsors. When I failed to achieve lasting sobriety I simply blamed it on my lack of diligence and tenacity. I sought out even better books, meetings and sponsors. Still I could not stay sober.

It was almost as if I had been thrown into a parallel universe where almost everything was the same except where my will-power was totally useless. I finally came to realize the significance of the term Higher-power. Diligence and tenacity were my power and what I needed was a power greater than myself.

For alcoholics like me “God does not help those who help themselves.”

NewDayNow

I remember my 30’s. Maybe a pivotal point in life for all of us

I’m 20 days sober and can’t answer that question. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to answer that question. D@mn good question though.



Ed

Cathy31

It is so wonderful to see you here - you know what to do. 90 in 90 is a great plan! You can do it!
Your friend
Cathy31
x

Cathy31

It is so wonderful to see you here - you know what to do. 90 in 90 is a great plan! You can do it!
Your friend
Cathy31
x

CarolD

Forward ....ever forward Tommy....