Texasblind

This is tough. I've got an ex-wife who is not going to like this at all.

"Unless it will cause harm." Will making a phone call cause harm? If I can't, I can't. But I am committed to making these amends, and my list is a mile long. I'll be here for awhile.

I'm very scared of my ex's reaction. I still love her as a person, the last thing I want to do is rip open that wound again.

dancinggirl

A phone call could be perceived as too much of an "in your face" kind of interaction. Maybe you could write her a letter instead? Then she doesn't have to have an immediate reaction with you right there, but can collect her thoughts and respond to you if/when she wants.

TCF355

A letter is not a bad suggestion, but I'm of the school that if you can do it in person or on the phone, that's always better for you. This judgment call will obviously depend on a lot of factors. I had to think through the pain that I had put people through and whether my discussion with them was likely to make them feel better or worse, given the circumstances. Here is where I ended up.

I decided to give it a shot with my ex with the idea that I would just explain to her what I was doing, why I was doing it, and that I would avoid any great detail about the past. I started the discussion by telling her about where I ended up a year ago, how I got sober, how my life had changed, and how calling her was part of my plan for recovery. As may be your case, the fact that I am an alcoholic came as no surprise to her, and she was surprisingly supportive of my getting better even though things ended very badly for us. Then, I asked her if she would be okay if I attempted to apoligize for how I had harmed her. If she said no, I would have just ended it right there. But she said okay. I made my amends by discussing the principles I had violated rather than getting into specifics. She didn't ask me to elaborate. Finally, I asked her if I could make amends to her on my verbal abuse and ridicule by making a donation in her name to an activist organization that she participates in. This was kind of a symbolic amends because much of my abuse of her revolved around putting down her interests and beliefs.

So, I think you should give it a shot, and you will probably be able to tell from her reaction how far you should take it, or just say thanks for taking my call, this is something that I really needed to do for myself for my recovery.

If you just can't do it, or she won't talk to you or doesn't want to hear from you, consider writing a detailed letter and then reading it to your sponsor or some other confidant, just as you did in Step 5.

Good luck!

Tazman53

Tex have you spoken to your sponsor or some one else about doing this? In many cases depending upon circumstances amends need to at a minimum be put off until a later date or not be done at all if it is going to harm some one, amends should not be made to free our selfs of guilt or shame at the expense of someone elses pain.

Texasblind

Yes, I have spoken to my sponsor at length about this. He thinks it's time. I have been divorced from this woman for 3 years now, but that's when it all started. It was a very ugly, disgusting divorce. She has a new man, and I certainly don't want to mess with any of that. I have been making amends for awhile now, with good success. This one is different.

I have been sober for 7 months. Tell me, that's why I'm asking. Do I need to wait? I will. Sorry, my sponsor is a great guy, but gone a lot. Plus, I need this recovery. I need these changes.

sugErspun

Pray over it Texas - the answer will come. You might not like the answer - but it will come nonetheless.

Something I find useful: Bring to mind something that I was very afraid of at one time, and don't feel the same about today. How did it come about that I am not afraid anymore? - 100% of the time is that I faced the fear and went at it head-on.

If you are 7 months sober, you have already faced a lot of fear - and moved through it. This is nothing new...

Keep moving and thank You for sharing about this very important part of the twelve steps.

lizw

A letter sounds fine to me. Especially so if you think you may have problems articulating what it is you want to make amends for.

Last amends letter I sent was to my X X BF's mother. So sort of like my mother inlaw. I can't even remember what I made amends for, it may have been more of a 'thank you for all your support over time etc...'.

She lived in another town and I really didn't want to get into a long phone conversation with her. Nor was there any need for it. She sent me back a 6 page letter, in response to what I sent. I didn't reply. I thought she was a nice enough woman but I've my own life to live and all that. She died not long later. Cancer. It was a shock to everyone, including her son, my x BF. So I was glad I did it.

There is no need to lie down and beg for forgiveness when we make amends. Or lie down and let people walk all over us, i.e. we treated them badly so now they go have their turn with us.

I think my ideas/thought on amends have changed a lot since I first got sober. I'm 10 now. Wise counsel is what the BB suggest. I'd add sensible decision too. There's no need for any heroics. I think I tended to be into this (in my early soberity) and with time it has worn off, and been replaced with the idea that we're all human beings and are usually riding the same bus trying to reach a 'happy life' destination.

Sure I did some bad/hurtful things but I am neither the best or worse person in the world. I'm just me. :ghug

Texasblind

I will do a letter. She has my number if she wants to contact me.

Still, this is pretty tough. I have some other amends to make, but how do you tell someone you chose alcohol over them? I'm not talking figuratively either. Alcohol is the reason that marriage broke up. No cheating, not money, only the bottle.

Now, this is important. I'm glad that marriage broke up. We were not good partners. I just wish it could've been over an affair or money, anything but silly ol' alcohol. There might be some closure by now. 3 ******* years and no closure! We've both moved on. It's time to really do this. I still love this woman, but it's become a completely different kind of love, that's why I would rather not make amends than hurt her. I will not hurt this woman. Maybe some more time.

Tommyh

Tex,I sent you a pm,but later on decided to post this "sample letter here too"

a friend sent this to me.....and it has give me ideas as to how to start a amends letter,and maybe what tone to have in it.

A SAMPLE AMENDS LETTER

Told by his ex-wife that he couldn’t see her directly, he WAS allowed to send her a letter. After three edits from his sponsor, here is how it ended up:

Dear S.______,
I’m writing to do what I can to set right the harms that I did during the years that I was in a relationship with your mom. I’ve chosen to type rather than phone for two reasons: First, my handwriting is pretty awful, and second, because I want you to have something tangible that you can look at later when life may be treating you rough. To tell you the truth, I’m tempted to let things just stay the way they are because your mom tells me that you have some good memories of the time we spent together. Part of me says why mess with that? The best answer I have is that I loved you and I’m certain deep in my heart whether you know it yet or not I did you harm. I’m sure that you were aware that during the years we were together I was an active alcoholic. LET ME BE VERY CLEAR THAT THIS IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER RELIEVES ME OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY ACTIONS. I used alcohol and drugs because they were the only things I knew that could give me the relief from the constant fear I felt. I was drawn to you and your family because I desperately wanted to love and to be loved, but I was also scared to death of the prospect of being responsible, especially to others. Emotionally I felt like I had one foot on the gas and the other on the brake. I’m sure that it was hard for you to figure out what was real - is the real ____(writers name here) the one that wants to loves me or the one that’s pushing me away? You weren’t crazy, I was. You were a wonderful, lovable child and you had every right to expect consistent love, emotional support, and parenting from me. What you got instead was fear, chaos, confusion, and abandonment. I want you to know that I didn’t fail to give you those things because you were unlovable or undeserving but because I was a sick and frightened man incapable of giving. If you feel emotionally ripped off it’s because you were. If you feel abandoned you’re not crazy, you were. I know at some deep emotional level it’s hard not to believe that if you were really worthy and valuable that these things wouldn’t have happened to you. Please believe me, this just isn’t so. You are worthy and deserving of love then and now, it was I that failed you. S.______, I hope that you’ll accept my heartfelt regret for these and the unlisted harms that I did to you. Should you ever want to talk about any of this please give me a call. If I can ever be of any service to you as a friend I’d be honored.

lizw

I'm geussing she already knows this, bit hard not to don't you think? Unless you were a secret drinker???

Great letter too. Doesn't mention much about drinking (as in I am sorry for drinking our relationship away) but rather how treatment of the intended person was dreadful.

I don't think many of my amends have been about me drinking, rather they focus on my sometimes weird and wonderful behaviour, some of which stemmed from my drinking (particular incidents fueled by booze) and some not.