Rimmy

I went a few months there without a drink... I'd never gone more than a few days. I think one attempt got me to about 10 days a while back, but MONTHS... that was fantastic for me.

Got through Father's day, July 4'th, BBQ's, etc... My ego finally got a hold and a few weeks ago (Mid July?), I "logically" figured that I could do a little controlled drinking. I kind of did... I rarely drank more than a beer an hour, and kept it down to between 10 - 14 beers a day.... far less than my old numbers.

I stayed "aware" of my drinking, so as not to overdue it. All that time, not one bad hangover. Got all my work done each day on time. Didn't pick stupid fights with the wife. Played with my daughter. etc...

So thinking today it still isn't worth it. I can feel it catching up to me just in general. A little more tired, put on a few pounds, pinching my wallet, skipping breakfast and or lunch... And in perspective, functioning or not, drinking a 12pk a day just isn't healthy. Just because I can do it and function... meh. I'd rather get back to taking the dog for a longer walk, breathing in the air and just enjoying it... life just for life.

So for me, side by side, not drinking blows away drinking. Maybe because I had never been sober for that long, I needed to do this. I'm back on the sober train. I gave drinking a go, which I wouldn't recommend, and it still wasn't worth it. No shame involved... drinking again was a choice I struggled to make, and I finally decided to try. Still not for me. I'm just not a 6 pk on special occassions kind of drinker. It was less than I used to drink, but thinking about it, it was still insane.

So glad to be back. This is where I belong... good to see the familiar names still here, and please don't judge me harshly. It was what it was.

Toomutch

Rimmy, glad you made it back.
I do not judge you harshly - who am I to judge?

tanyapmc

Hi Rimmy and welcome back. No judging coming from me. What is your plan to stay sober?

PaperDolls

I'm no judge.
I'm just glad you're here.

Reality

very profound sharing...thanks

miss communicat

Hiya Rimmy

Glad you're back!

One thing that your post brought into focus for me was how much good mental energy we waste on thinking about drinking once we open that door again and return to so-called controlled drinking.

Surrender sets me free today!

You too are very fortunate you are free again.

SelfSeeking

Hi Rimmy, I'm new. Thanks for sharing what happened when you decided to try moderating your drinking instead of abstinence. It's a tempting thought... "Maybe I've turned myself 'normal'!" I've been there.

Rimmy

Well, it took me nearly 3 years trying to actually give "not drinking" a chance because I was selfish and it was hard. When sober, I struggled with anxiety, nerves, panic attacks of sorts... And I wouldn't make it more than a day or two. When I actually tried and went for a few weeks, I got great advice from people here at SR on how to cope with those emotions. I slowed my world down a bit, and took myself out of the center of it. I stopped and breathed. I read a book on meditation and it helped me sleep at night... helped to slow the racing mind. I read motivational readings when I felt overwhelmed. I read most of the big book and realized new perspectives about my drinking and myself that allowed me to see some flaws of my thinking. It just all came together, and even living in a drinking home with drinking friends... It was ok for me not to drink.

So I'm just going to slow it down again. Re-focus, work on my soul searching a bit, re-allign my goals and quite "simply", pass on the drinks. I used to call not drinking "the other side of life". Now, drinking is "the other side" and I'm already not drinking today and feeling much better spiritually. Going to finish my work and take a nice walk... got a few lbs. to take off. Maybe go down to the beach with my daughter... SCHOOL starts soon!! I'm fortunate enough to have gotten some sobriety and I'm not scared of it, I want it again. And they give it out for free, so I think I'll get me some

doorknob

Great post, Rimmy. Although I couldn't tolerate any more than a sixer in a day (I'm a little guy, so I get more bang for my buck) and still function, my pattern has been very similar, spacing them out so I never got too intoxicated. I was basically trying to medicate my anxiety. I've just recently climbed back on the sober wagon, and it sure is nice not having to worry about having alcohol on my breath or if I'm okay to drive. I was actually going to buy a breathalyzer to help me regulate my intake!

DK

Rimmy

yeah, doorknob, see how we think on the drink! Who the heck consider's purchasing a breathalyzer instead of not drinking???!! lol At least owning it, you could have said you were a "responsible drinker"

Congrats on getting back to not drinking. It's a long road.

SelfSeeking

Being little, and a woman, helped me to lie to myself for a long time about my alcoholism, Doorknob! A bottle of vodka would probably kill me, so since I couldn't relate to the "5th a day" war stories you hear a lot, obviously I wasn't a REAL alcoholic. *snort* If you ignore the blackouts, secret drinking, attempts and failures to cut back, bad behavior while drinking, violently ill hangovers, the list goes on...

I think it will be awesome to go out and never ever have to worry about how I'm getting home. Knowing I can leave whenever I want because I will be fully capable of getting myself where I need to go. That's an empowering notion. Yay!

tommyk

Judge not lest ye be judged.

Welcome back.

Tazman53

Rimmy welcome back from the dark side!!!! LOL I would certainly be a hypocrite if I critisized you, man I spent 5 years experimenting with controling/not drinking my way.

I do have a question for you, is what you are planning on doing now what you did before?

If it is you may want to read your sig line! LOL

RufusACanal

Welcome Back Rimmy!

Tazman53

A guy I know in the rooms who has been sober for 23 years now tells how he figured out how not to get DWIs. Rather then not drinking, he quit driving and got a bicycle!!! He got a DWI while on his bicycle a few months later!!!!

Me..... well if I went straight home and drank in my garage, I did not get DWIs!!!! Now that is an exciting life, getting drunk in my garage every day for 5 years all by myself!!!!

Rowan

Welcome home.

TTOSBT

Welcome back Rimmy. All that work to control drinking sounds exhausting to me
The hiding my alcoholism was so exhausting! It was a full time job. It is myuch less work for me to just not drink. Have fun with your daughter, I can't believe that it is the end of summer!

Rimmy

Well, what I was doing kept me sober almost 4 months. And I wasn't white knuckling it. When I wrote "drinking again was a choice I struggled to make", I meant that I just wanted to see if I had changed enough emotionally / mentally / spiritually to show some control. I wound up showing restraint, but not control. Since I had worked on me, I was able to show that restraint, but I also proved to myself that the disease is still inside me, and always will be. It will always be there if I want it, so I don't need to miss it. It's not going anywhere. Drinking was more annoying and energy consuming than it was worth.

So I learned more about myself and am going to continue where I left off even stronger than before. I didn't go near where I've been the past few years, but I felt the struggle again, and I have no taste for it anymore. I think what I was doing was working, but I needed to see. I didn't go off the deep end, and I proved and validated my sobriety. So it's cool for now.

Good to see ya Taz... you were and still are a huge part of my sobriety!

CarolD

Good to know you are back on track

I know many many alcoholics ...including myself...
who slid in and out of recovery.

Each day is a new beginning

AW2486

I tried the 1 beer and hour thing too.. I only lasted 2 hours. LOL

Glad to see you here.