Csmcjewl

I just wanted to say...that I am happy and very thankful for being sober today. My life is so much better. Even though it's only been 6 days. I've gone through and through this over and over again. I keep failing..until now. I've been reading the big book every night and working the steps for the first time..hitting meetings all the time..etc. Things are definitly looking up. It's been a long hard weekend and I think it's well worth the effort. Today is the day after I thought I would fail..but I didn't. And sometimes, even after I make it through a rough spot where I may think I'm going to fail and don't, I tend to immedaitly fail after that because I "congratulate" myself for making it through the hard time? I know that makes no sense but often, being an alcoholic doesn't make much sense sometimes. So...thanks again, I'm just happy to still be sober and working toward that 30 days I've been trying so many times to reach....
Stacey

The Jay Walker

Stacy

you are so right, it is worth it, I know that for me I went through a lot of different phases in recovery, my sponsor explained it to me once, he said it was kinda like peeling an onion,
we peel a layer, and cry a little, then another deeper layer comes up.

everytime I have gone on to the next layer without drinking, I aprecciate my sobriety so much more, and my outlook on life changes.

kindablue

It's day 6 for me too and i'm also a chronic relapser who feels this time is different!We can do it,i feel 100%percent better,what an amazing difference.keep up the good fight!

Csmcjewl

Hi!
Went to the meeting tonight...Aaron was there. I didn't even see him at first but I sat across the room from him so that I couldn't even see his face. He saw me and I gave him the "nod". But, I didn't even speak to him. In fact, I tried to spend the entire meeting forgetting he was even there because when he started talking I immediatly wanted to get up and yell "traitor! He drinks Everynight!" But, I didn't ...I contained myself. But, it was a great meeting. It was all about self-pity and isolation. Which is exactly what I need right now, I mean...what I need to hear about. I've been doing it all day. I was up like an hour and just wanted to climb back into bed. After the meeting I stayed around and the older women almost came at me like it was a cult and asked why I never go to the Women's meeting on Sat. Nights. I explained that I was with my b/f but promised that I'd be there next week. I started rambling to one lady about how I've been under a lot of pressure and all about Aaron and how I was only on day 6 until I realized I was rambling and stopped. They invited me to this camping trip next weekend. I felt kinda bad because this lady that gave me her phone # way back was the one who came running across the parking lot yelling my name to give it to me. I felt bad because i threw away her phone number when I was drunk once. Sigh...aww well. So, then when I got home Aaron calls me up and accuses me of leaving early. I figured he was trying to figure out why I didn't talk to him at all. And then proceeds to ask me.."Wanna get hammered tonight?" His words...It wasn't that hard to say no. I'm still digusted at him which I know is a heathy rage that I'm going to go with..hehe. Anyways, still doing good...just wanted to write about the meeting. Still haven't heard from Jennie since I left the message on her machine last night that I wasn't going to the fair. So...doing good for today. The job hunt resumes tomarrow and I'm going to try and hit 2 meetings.

Csmcjewl

Well, It's Monday again. No one like's Monday. Today is the day I start going back on my hardcore job hunt. I've got 9 resume's going out today. Why is it so hard to find a job?? I'm getting a little frusterated. Joan, my old manager called me today and says..."I forgot to have you sign your last paycheck, is there any way you could stop by and do that?" I'm like..uhm, sure! That's only a 40 minute ride out, why not?? arrggg...I'm just getting a little frusterated with sending out so many resume's/cover letters and filling out applications with no response ya know? I've only had the one interview and if he doesn't call back today, I didn't get it. Which I doubt I did...I should've just like...begged the guy. Please! Please! Just give me a job! I need a job! Anyways, sorry...I'm just I don't know. I get really sick of doing this and I really need a paycheck, like now. I can always go back and deliver pizza like I did when i was 18 but...geez...to practically have a bachelor's degree and be delivering pizza? It's degrading! Not to mention my car overheats because the themestat is screwed up and my tire has a slow leak. Sigh...I try to keep thinking about the meeting. And thinking about ya know...it's not easy when ya get sober. Like I read in this one book...it was like...you drink because you're trying to erase the problems in your life, but when you stop, the problems are still there. The hardest part of being sober is dealing with those problems that would've caused you to drink. Which is soo true for me. I would've drank already because of frusterations of not being able to find a job, or drank after a long day of job hunting to "reward" myself. I'm pretty pathetic when I want to be. hehe..anyways, there is a noon meeting in a half an hour I think I need to hit, then it's to the temp. agencies I go! I'm hoping the meeting will give me a little hope and not make me so frusterated about this whole thing. Of course, when I see people getting up at like 10 to 1, I get more frusterated because I know they're going back to their jobs. hehe...That's what happened Friday at least. Sigh...Ok...I'm just gonna shuttup and go. I feel like I need it, I'm getting too worked up over this job thing. I just sit here like...19 resume's and Nothing! Not even an interview!!? I don't understand! Okok....I'm outta here....I need that meeting!