redshift

Well, after nearly two months without a drink, I hit the skids and relapsed, resulting in a two month haze

The hard part is, I was finally starting to see the light and really 'get' recovery when a few big triggers got in the way and pulled at a loose thread in my program. I really didn't want to have to go through it all again, but over these past few weeks I've realized that there really is just once choice - total abstinence. I've been waking up feeling extreme anxiety and discouragement, only to smooth over both of those with booze later on - a vicious cycle, to be sure.

I am most ashamed and embarrassed that I let myself slide like that, since I think i *had* figured it out... but I am grateful to know it *does* get better again, in time.

So, I am back, and looking forward to speaking with everyone again.

MyPaperAnchor

Welcome back. This is about as good as place to be on the Internet for sobriety as I can think of.

I had many start-stops myself...

philosoffy

I've been there so many times but the thing i keep getting right is I KEEP COMING BACK. I think this site is a wealth of support as is AA once you get into it. Stick with it and stay in touch

CarolD

Good to know you are planning a fresh start.

Welcome back to SR!

suki44883

I've seen several posts from people who say...I slipped, or relapsed, and now I'm back. My question is...why did they leave just because they were sober? This place isn't just for people who still drink/use, but also for people who no longer drink/use and want to help others along the way. It seems to me that even if someone has been successful with sobriety, this place would continue to be a place of support for everyone.

gravity

The past four months could actually strengthen your recovery.

Your two months of sobriety gives you a good basis of comparison – what life can be like if you maintain your sobriety. In my case, the first two months offered the first glimpses of how rich life is without alcohol (sadly, I believe that many give up before even reaching this point). And it keeps getting better. Also, I’m sure that you have developed some tools that worked and you can build off of these.

Perhaps your two months of drinking proved to you once and for all that you can’t drink alcohol. It always results in anxiety, shame, and embarrassment. Always. It took me a long time to finally accept this reality, always trying to rationalize, always ending up at the same place or digging myself even deeper.

Looking forward to reading about your progress !

redshift

I think this is a good point... I'm not sure that many of us intend to leave the site, per se, but instead just became much more passive. Like maybe if we ignored it, it would go away. Sadly, I've realized this is not the case. I didn't make time to focus on my recovery, and I paid the price.. I'd like to think that I learned my lesson, and want very much to never leave again! Thanks for your comment.

Pagekeeper

Welcome back!

I've had some issues with relapse. One thing I've noticed is that it's not just the getting drunk or drinking--it's the cycle it starts in my head. Once I pick up that first drink, there's no telling how long the cycle will last--2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, or permanently. That's the scary part for me. It's like getting on a plane and leaving the destination up to the pilot, who is also intoxicated. I lose control of where I'm going and what direction I am heading and where I might end up.

Tazman53

An excellent question Suki, an excellent question! In the BB it says:

I found sobriety and a happy fullfilling life in AA, the most rewarding part of the life I found is in helping other alcoholics achieve and maintain sobriety.

I am an alcoholic, I will be an alcoholic until the say I die, as a diabetic continues to watch thier diet and take thier insulin as needed to keep their disease in check until the day they die, so I too must work on my recovery and my spiritual condition on a daily basis and not rest on my laurels.

I know I could drop SR in a heart beat and still use the program of AA to maintain my sobriety, but I would not drop AA unless I was thinking I was cured and felt no need to pass on what was so freely given to me.

Those who have found sobriety through SR, AA, any other program or a combination of them should imho continue to do so.

I know that if I just up and decided "I no longer need to work on my sobriety." I have stepped on some thin ice and need to really watch where I am treading.

Texasblind

Let me say that I absolutely hate being sober. I get bored. The days are too long when you don't pass out at 4 pm anymore. Then I realize there's stuff like making dinner or walking dogs or watering plants that keep me busy. Things I should have done while I was using.

Honestly, I look forward to 7:00 when I can go to a meeting and be around others like me. AA has become kind of like that first drink for me. I walk in the room and go "aahhhhhh there it is." Just like that first shot of whiskey hitting me. I'm in that early stage where I need to be around other alcoholics to keep me sober. Some poor kid shaking in the corner was me recently. I'm there to help him, but at the same time I see him as inspiration to keep sober. One drink and I'm shaking in the corner.

I go to the bank and withdraw in $1 bills. The tellers must think I'm addicted to strip clubs.

redshift

Thanks everyone, it really means a lot to me. Like a few folks have mentioned, I got a brief taste of what real life was like again, and it was amazing. I'm not going to give that up again!

It's so funny how we forget that. For years I was so stressed about long overdue errands that it was much easier to just have a glass of wine and put it off another day. When I started to change my life a few months ago, I was able fix nearly every single problem in a matter of weeks! It made it all seem silly in the end.

I'm pretty frustrated that I slipped recently, but I'm going to take it one day at a time and keep on building.