RobbyRobot

DrunkenGirl,

i'm sorry for your pains and hurts, your sorrows and regrets. i can only imagine the shock to your inner life... a bad trip all the way down. and the progression -- wow -- from a simple glass of the fine wine down to the action on the streets to nowhere in like 10 days. the monsters of addiction are always waiting inside us -- biding their own time -- waiting for that next relapse. man i would go dry for just inside of 30 days, and when that rocket juice hit my guts it was like drinking liquid fire. it always burned me down. i can only imagine after some 3,200 days. horrible. i have no empathy to wrap around a trip like that. the best i got is useless sympathy.

i totally agree with the others here that your 9 years is not "lost". you got yourself a new date, and a new chance to not pickup again. so you go right ahead and find a new path, and you start dancing again through your life like nobody's watching!

your sharing and caring, fellowshipping, and doing inventory. all good. you know what, i wanna say your lucky ok. you could be dead. or insane. or in prison. or drinking. yeah, i say you got lucky, drunkengirl.

i guess [if i survived] a run of booze and then got a new path i would be putting everything i got, i mean everything, into all i need is a desire to stop F**kin drinking. and i would nurse that want into a raging desire that totally F**kin consumed me, whats left of my life, my family, all my friggin friends, my job --every F**kin thing that i could friggin' use to fuel feed that desire would be fair game. yeah, that's what i would F**kin do. while that bonfire was working, i would take a long, long look around to see which way the wind was really F**kin blowin'.

all we need is the desire to quit drinking. i remember my last days. it worked for me back then and i would just stay with it until my new life found a path that took both me and my desire; just sit tight and wait for the sweeeetness of the moment to happen and take me.

heh. methinks i did find some empathy in the desire we share. i wish all the best to you.

DrunkenGirl

I'm feeling pretty good today. It's all true that I got off lucky and I know it. I even came home with everything I left with - monthly train ticket, keys, phone, wallet, etc. It's a miracle (as fellow drunks will well know). In the grand scheme of things, it was not too bad. I know it was a message - I know I got a lucky break.

When I quit before what saved me was one thought - just one thought. I learned how to remember that alcohol makes me feel bad even when I was under the delusion that it was going to make me feel good. The part where I'm going to have a good time, or be sophisticated, or just chill - it is a delusion. You start off sophisticated and you end up screaming curses.

So much time had passed since alcohol caused me problems. The poignency of the lesson was gone. I kept thinking maybe I was just a messed up kid when I had "my troubles" - now I'm an adult with a good life and things are different. To make matters worse, I saw an old college boyfriend who I'd been around when I drank and he said, "You weren't an alcoholic - you were just a party girl." That was what I wanted to hear. It was only like a month later that I was at the opera and saw the glasses of champagne.

A waitress was carrying them and they were fizzy and amber - very pretty in the classic glasses. Everyone was so beautiful. The lobby was a work of art itself - marble and balconies and everyone in fine clothes, chatting and glittering. It seemed so natural to pick up a glass and be part of it all.

It's funny but in the nine years I hardly ever even thought about alcohol. In fact I took perverse pleasure in not drinking - especially in seeing other people overdo it and shaking my head and clucking at them. I'd think, "Get it under control! I did!" I always felt that quitting was a decision I made. It made me different and special and yes even superior in my mind. It may have been arrogant but it worked.

I need to stick by that decision again. I have learned the lesson - it wasn't just that I was a party girl "back then". I was, and I am, and I always will be, allergic to alcohol, and this allergy is called alcoholism. I cannot drink it because it will kill me. It does something to my brain, to my being ... it releases and magnifies my self destructive self.

Again, thanks for your time.

CarolD

....I went from attractive sophisticated charmer
to a weeping sodden mess in 5 years.

From connoisseur to common sewer.

Glad to know you are not planning to drink again.

Tazman53

Drunkengirl be thakful you quit again when you did, we have a guy in my area who after 22 years without a drink decided to start again about 3 months ago, in that short time he has gotten 2 DUI's and should have had a 3rd but the cops cut him a break because he destroyed a classic Harley while drunk.

I always remind myself that I am an alcoholic and just because I am not drinking now does not mean that my disease is not doing one finger push ups just waiting for me to drink again.

RufusACanal

CarolD took the words from my mouth. Drunkengirl, Now you have the opportunity to live free. Best to you!

dancinggirl

I had 54 days and then screwed up for almost five months. I'm on day 4 now and sooo thankful to have found this site/these people. I still consider the 54 days an accomplishment. I know I did it once and I KNOW I can do it again. You can, too.

jenjram

You didn't blow nine years....it is all a journey. The next steps you take will become part of your story, too. It is all for a purpose, and maybe now you will be able to weave it all together for meaning.

DrunkenGirl

Well, I've been sober all this week. I feel myself slipping back into sober mode.

I spent this weekend quietly - went to the movies last night (ironically seeing "Sex in the City" considering my initial post), got my nails done, slept late, that sort of thing. I also ate too much but I'm not going to get worked up about it.

I'm making it a point to appreciate the beautiful summer days - there are unusual bugs here called Cicadas - they hum when it's hot out. They are singing away this morning and it reminds me of my childhood - riding bikes with my friends, going in my aunt's pool, getting ice cream from the ice cream man. It feels good to be trouble-free like when I was a kid.

I will continue to take it easy. Things are so good for me right now - work is great, family is good, I have all I need. I am going to be grateful for my many blessings and not ruin a good thing - that good thing being my life.

Thank you for your support everyone!

RufusACanal

Great work DG !

Cathy31

Absolutely marvellous!!!!

CAthy31
x

jimhere

I'm glad you made it back to tell us about it, sobergirl.

That being said, time sober before has no relevance to right now. It's real easy to get attached to past experience. And it becomes an accomplishment, something I pulled off. There are miracles and there are accomplishments. All a guy like me has to do to miss the miracle is take the credit, and my sober time becomes just another accomplishment in a long list of my accomplishments. It is a denial stronger than than the denial we bring here. You know, "The disease that tells you that you don't have a disease" kind of denial? It is a more subtle and more dangerous form of denial, a flat out denial of the grace of God.

About five years ago, I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in several years. He had sixty days. The last time I saw him he had nine years sober in AA. He had been active in service, but no real step work. He got busy in life, joined a church, got married, got a job with a dot.com and found himself drinking. Drank to the point to where there was no job and no family. He was staying at his mom's house.

When we were talking he said to me "I just want what I had before." It came to me to say that what he had before wasn't good enough or he wouldn't be talking to me with sixty days. He needed something better than what he had before. My friend died trying "get" what he had before.

Having said all that, I would just encourage you to redouble your efforts and look at your relapse as a blessing, especially if it has brought you to the point of realizing the hopelessness of your condition.
Jim

RobbyRobot

DrunkenGirl,

your resolvement post is awesomely beautiful. words can have power, and power can have life, and life can seriously arrest alcoholism forever, and ever again. thank you dear DrunkenGirl, for sharing such a rare nova experience of rich entiltlement and lasting brightness with all your posts. a complete joy with you from beginning to end! sweeeet!

Godspeed
RR

jimhere

Hey, I hope that you noticed that I called you sobergirl in my previous post. There's a reason for that. Change your mindset from drunkengirl to sobergirl.
Jim

Dee74

I take your point Jim...nothing matters but what we do today

For me, and mostly everyone I know, 'time sober' does has a relevance tho - it's proof positive that we could do it once, and we can do it again....hopefully better.

If you're doing it right, it's not looking back but forwards, based on experience.

Sometimes we just need all the positives we can get

D

DrunkenGirl

Yes, I appreciate being called sobergirl - thanks.