22NGONE

Hello All,

I've been in the rooms for a little while and here as well and also at a program at the VA. Something has been troubling me for a while now and I thought I would share it for your input.

I sit and listen to the many tales of relapse that I hear daily in the rooms, it's spoken of so matter of factly as if it's a badge of honor to have left the rooms because you "weren't quite done yet" and then returned to sobriety. It's spoken of so often it seems to me like it's almost like a required "check in the box" to true sobriety.

I'm relatively new at this and frankly, I don't want to relapse, I don't want to go through all of this again. So I was wondering if I could hear from those of you who didn't relapse, who worked their program and were successful the first time?

John

miss communicat

Hi John,

Thjanks for the thoughts. There recently was another thread about this topic, either here or over in 12 step. I am running out the door , can't find it this moment, but it was about a week or so back.

Tazman53

John I was the King of relapse before I became a full blown alcoholic, at that point alcohol owned me, mentally, physically, and even spiritually. I spent 5 years in full blown alcoholism, I hit my bottom spiritually soon after I surrendered to alcohol, I just gave up and decided to just drink all I wanted when ever I wanted and let the chips fall where they may.

I had a moment of clarity which showed me my future if I continued to drink, it ended in a slow painful death from alcoholism, it scared me silly, I saw a doctor, went through medical detox and then into AA and finally being able to admit that I had no idea how to stay sober I followed suggestions.

Since I got into AA and worked the steps I have not had a single relapse and can honestly say I have no fear of a relapse as long as I continue to apply the 12 steps to all areas of my life maintaining my spiritual condition fit.

I have been in AA for over 21 months and have not had a drink in over 21 months. I was about half way through the steps when the obsession to drink was lifted from me, I have not had a serious thought about having a drink in over 16 months.

Relapse is not a mandantory part of recovery, but it is a part of some peoples recovery, but not all.

John I wanted to add that in order to stay sober I had to be able to be happy being sober and in order to do that I had to become comfortable in my own skin and the only way I was able to find to do that was to work the steps.

miss communicat

page 2 of the 12 step forum, a thread called "is there such a thing as relapse?"

Rimmy

With or without the steps, this is an integral part of recovery. At least it was for me. My relapses came because I was drinking since 15 and didn't know how to deal with life sober. Once I really gave being sober a try and saw what sober life was, I was able to start taking steps to stay sober.

If you are comfortable with your life and have learned to live with life, no matter what it throws at you, then there is no need to fear relapse as a necessity. Some like myself just didn't know how to do it sober.

End note: when I refer to my personal relapses, they were mostly after just a few days or a week... maybe 10 days. Until this year, I never had long term sobriety and I too hope not to relapse... one day at a time.

Jfanagle

John,

I attended AA 14 years ago with a man who was to eventually become my sponsor. I went to two meeting, the second one after I finished a fifth of Canadian Club as I walked out the door to get to the meeting. My friend suggested that "these meetings work better if you don't drink on the way to them!" I agreed with this and didn't attend a meeting again until 1999.

Fast forward, I went to AA because as the saying goes, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and I knew where the meeting was held from my previous visit 5 years earlier. The seed had been planted way back then and now I was ready.

9 years later I am still sober and so I guess this counts as really deciding to get sober and not relapsing. I have come very close about 4 times, but I had developed enough of a support system that when my dragons came to call, I knew who I could count on to walk me through the mine field. By having taken the steps very early on and having not only a great sponsor, but a wide web of AA friends I didn't have to stay sober all by myself. Oh yea, I also had established a conscious contact with my higher power. Funny thing it worked just like those fellows who wrote the book said it would!

I watch all sorts of people come and go from the rooms of AA and I agree with your observation that sometimes I think relapse is talked about as though it IS A PART of sobriety. The newcomer, and we all have been there, listens to the sharing and tries to figure out just how AA works and in my opinion if relapse is discussed as though it is a natural part of getting and staying sober, then the ability to tell ones self that "oh well, this is just part of getting sober to relapse now and then." makes the fall just that much easier.

I was told to form associations with those people in AA "that had what I wanted" and as a result my earliest and now my oldest friends in AA are the ones who don't relapse. I can say that twice I stopped before I relapsed because I didn't want to have to tell these people that I was a newcomer after some time sober. Ego kept me from disappointing myself, but most importantly my friends. Funny, I had never had a problem disappointing my family and work associates, but I couldn't disappoint my fellow ex-drunks.

That is how I have managed to stay sober without a relapse. It seems to be working so I continue to do what has worked.

Jon

bugsworth

John, I understand the concern you feel, it is so hard as a newcomer to sit in meetings and hear the relapse stories especially when they are treated as if it is normal.

I was active in aa for 10 months...no relapse...but I listened to people who had been attending meetings for years and continuously pick up there white chip...I was baffled. They came to aa, utilized the support group, worked the steps but drank anyway.....as my friend Rufus says they were not full...they were not done with the drink...IMO it has nothing to do with steps...it is an inner resolution...a finality that alcohol holds no place in your world. If one still mourns the loss or has not completely decided that no more means no more the alcohol will win. Relapse is not necessary, it is a choice. You choose to drink or not to drink...simple.... one step...I have been sober for a little over a year...I choose to not drink, not one day at a time but forever...case closed...nothing to debate nor think about I am full!

Wishing you the greatest of success!

Astro

I've wondered the same things John. Every night at my meeting it seems like someone new has relapsed, so my stinking thinking questions whether it's a requirement or if I'm "doing recovery" the right way. It's pretty scary.

All I know is that the first day I walked into AA it "stuck" and I never felt the need to take a drink again. Every day I remind myself that to take a drink might mean to die, and that's a simple fear that's helped me stay sober for a few years. Seems like a healthy fear to have. AA is working for me, so unless I fall I'll just continue to take another 24 hours for as long as I possibly can.

AW2486

I've been one of the fortunate one's that have not relapsed. Came close once though. Stayed sober on the AA fellowship for 5 years before I had the guts to do a complete honest 4th & 5th step, The spiritual awakening happened after that, and have been kicking myself ever since for not doing it sooner.

When people ask me to sponsor them.. I try to get them going on the BB & Steps asap.

I learn something every time I am in a meeting with somebody that relapsed. If I were to start drinking again.. It wouldn't work.

Dee74

Not in AA but I've been sober 15 months - haven't relapsed.

The difference, between this time and the other 15 years of failed attempts, is the finality, the inner resolution that Bugs mentioned - no matter what life throws at me (and it's thrown a lot since I've been sober) I know a drink won't 'help'.

It'll do everything but help.

Whatever way you get to this realisation is great. I didn't use any programme but I think my aims are essentially the same as any programme I know of - I'm working hard to be a better me, in a better life, where drinking has no place as a coping strategy.

So far I'm running at a 100% success rate

D

Signal30

Well so far I haven't relapsed. The best way I can explain how I have remained sober is by simply taking it one day at a time. I don't think that far ahead. If I work the program to the best of my ability then I will stay sober...today.


Tom

Ananda

HMMM well i guess i'll just think out loud....I know lots of people who never relapsed after they got sober "the last time" I'm not sure how that works as of course if your sober today you haven't relapsed since the last drink?

but i know what you are talking about i think.....but then again i don't think alot of the old timers i know really thought "I think I'll relapse today" before they picked up that first drink... not that any of you are saying that...just my mixed up thought.

When I started my last drink (which lasted for years, I just never really got sober)...i didn't really see that it was coming till it happened.

I know that "relapse" or drinking again is always something tht can happen to an alchoholic....i'm not real worried i will...feel on stable ground....but you know i did before my last drink too

hope you don't mind my just sharing my jumbled thoughts....enjoying the thread.

mrhodes01

I'm a chronic relapser, and I certainly don't wear that as a badge of honor. My alcoholic mind tells me to wear it as a badge of shame, in fact, which is just as dangerous. I need to accept that it took what it took to get me here, and I have to do the work every day, one day at a time, to prevent another relapse.

It's a frustrating cycle. I look back at the past two years and see far many sober days than drunk ones. However, those drunk days were doozies that made me desperate and got me back into the program.

The problem is, that desperation evaporates over time, sometimes days and sometimes months, and then I'm left with an alcoholic mind and no shield against relapse unless I have a strong support system and a willingness to work the steps each and every day.

Believe me, I didn't want my life to be this way. I just wanted to stop drinking and live happily ever after. After enough pain, I'm ready to do the work it takes to be truly sober and happy.

Good luck and don't relapse! Do the work instead; trust me, it's worth it.

LosingmyMisery

I got a sponsor, worked the program and the steps, and haven't had a drink or wanted one since.

TigerLili

I think this is the voice of alcoholism. ANYTHING that gives me the idea that drinking is ok or a 'requirement' is the voice of my addiction and I have to remember that.

tommyk

It is possible some may not want others to succeed the first time (because they didn't / couldn't themselves). I hope not though.

At our meetings we over-emphasize that relapse is NOT necessary or acceptable.

Those who do experience a relapse are welcomed back with open arms, and encouraged to come back, but there's a definite problem if there was a relapse.

Stamps43

I know what you're saying and sometimes I find myself critical of things like counting days sober as I feel like this is just seeing how long you can go before you trip and fall. You just have to find what works for you and not beat yourself up if you do slip up.

When I first realized I had a problem, I went 6 months no problem. Then at a baseball game I drank a beer. There was no grand underpinning behind me doing that. I think in someway I thought to myself that, "Oh, you've gone so long so therefore no problem exists anymore." I was quite wrong but I learned from it. I learned that I'm not wired to be the guy that can go out and have a few beers at the ball game. So falling can have a positive side to it. So stay focused but watch out as being hard on yourself will just lead into use-guilt-shame-use.

Also, this seems kind of, well, silly but I carry a small card in my pocket on which one has a list of all the positive things that happen when I stay sober and the other side lists the things I hated about being drunk. I glance at it if I'm having a particularly strong leaning to say it's okay to drink tonight.

1963comet

I did give a half hearted shot at being sober a couple times. It did not work because I was doing it for other people.

The first time I wanted to quit for myself it has worked. But I can say that my drinking days were not fun any more. So, I think that made it easer for me to stop. I do not go to AA but have in the past. It has been 7 1/2 years and I am very happy with my life.

least

I don't personally know anyone who's gotten sober without at least one relapse. I've had too many myself. My hat is off to those who can stop drinking on their first try. But every time I've relapsed I've learned something. HOpefully now I've learned enough to stay sober this time.:praying

BackToSquareOne

It's interesting that when we talk about relapsing or backsliding we attach a very negative connotation to it almost as if we've failed at our goal. I sometimes wonder if we don't relapse simply because we just got bored with the whole idea of sobriety and that if at some level we never really let go of the desire to wallow in the reckless behaviors we once knew as alcoholism. There must have been pleasurable aspects to it or we would have never done it. Can we ever really say that we are recovered or cured or is this just an illusion in that none of us know what the future will hold? Should we even use the term recovered if we cannot predict the future? If we have spent much of our lives as an alcoholic then isn't sobriety a relapse from our alcoholism? The human brain always moves toward pleasure and away from pain as do animal brains so in a sense unless we can let go of the pleasurable aspects we associate with mood altering substances we will be always drawn to them. I try to focus on the horrible widhdrawal periods I have been through and this is what works for me, I sometimes think that a relapse for me is when I let the pleasurable thoughts of drinking take over and this is usually born out of boredom. After being sober for a while a sense of complacency sets in and I let my guard down and this is when the seeds of relapse are easily planted. Enough rambling for now.