anotherbottom

Hello...
. I've spent my entire adult life making bad choices one after another. The last few years they got so bad I have lost almost everything but my life---and I wish daily that someone would help me with that, because I'm too chicken to do it myself, at least today.

I lost my wife, my house and now my job. I almost out of money at 44 with few hard marketable skills and bills I cannot meet and $40,000 in student loans almost defaulted). I had a good job, but now that it's gone I realize that a 16 yr-old kid could do most of it (the computer part). I'm paralyzed in my dumpy little apartment, living in one bedroom with even the door shut to it. I'm so scared of my future and so hurt by what I have done in the past to myself and my wife that I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror, or people in the eye. I'm ot friendlesss, but I have refused to go out and do ANYTHING in 17 months to punish myself for what I did to my beautiful wife. No TV, no movies, no rentals, no eating out, no radio---just a computer and the Internet. I just feel that the worse I feel the worse I need to punish myself. I know that's a bad approach to depression and addiction---but I can't seem to stop it. A few weeks I've done well in AA and stayed sober for a week or two, but this year I've been in detox two times. Both times I felt great coming out, but almost immediately the old ghosts crept back in, and everything went to pieces.

I know its selfish, but I feel like the loneliest person in the world. You would never know it awhile back when I was a functioning alcoholic. I have never made an enemy in my life. Everyone has always "loved" me. But that was never enough, I guess, because I don't love MYSELF. I DESPISE myself---and the worst part is---I think that's totally appropriate. No one else shares that. I'm my own worst enemy, always sabotaging anything good that happens and throwing up a wall to keep everything out and retreat to alcohol. I honestly don't think I've been "happy" except for maybe a week out of the last 20 years. No reason, either. I had a great wife, fantastic in-laws and I've always landed on my feet even through terrible decisions. I think that' come to an end. I now have cirrhosis, my binges the last year have resulted in some neuropathy in my feet, weakness in my limbs, muscles controlling eyes/vision not working right, bouts of pancreatitis, skin looks terrible, rosacea on face from drinking, tremors for many days after temporarily quitting drinking (can't even sign my name for a week---it looks like a two-year old's handwriting). My hair has thinned of late. Body falling apart---and I'm an ex-Marine. Can't stand to see happy, smiling people living life---I look the other way.

After I got fired (my coworkers and bosses tried to save me---but just had to watch me self-destruct in front of their eyes---now I have no respect from them, whereas before, as I said, EVERYONE loved me and my work ethic and my sense of humor). I've done just about everything a drunk can do except get a DUI, and that's a miracle. I've sat in my car and avoided going home (when I had a home w/a wife who tried for years to save me) and urinated in Coke cans or plastic bottles (drinking beer) and throwing them in a creek. I crapped on myself one night. I've parked to drink and passed out, only to have my wife (and a Sheriff) find me. Having never said hardly an ill word to my wife in 20 years, I found myself throwing my prized 35mm camera into the drywall next to her as hard as I could in our kitchen. I then took my Glock pistol and headed for the nearby shooting range to hide in the trees in my car and drink and---who knows what? Not too long and deputies show up (she had called them) and took my pistol and ammo away until the next day. What a scene. No arrest, since it was a possible suicide call---they escorted me home a couple of miles away. A week later I'm loading up all my computer parts and cases ((probably $1,000 worth) and making runs to the local dump (rural area) to throw them all in the dumpster. After a couple of Outback loads, I'm putting more stuff in and a Sheriff's deputy pulls up. I'm on my own property, and drunk, but walk toward the house to defy him. He tells me to stop twice and I stop and put my hands behind my back. All in front of my fantastic in laws who were working on the 150 year-old farmhouse we were living in to bring back to life. They had called my wife at work and explained what I was doing---she called the cops. I was booked and slept off the drunk for a few hours and talked to a suicide counselor from the only jail cell I've ever been in. I had always been an even-tempered, funny guy. Now I was filled with rage.

I can't remember everything---there are so many incidents. In detox in May I was belligerent to staff (after being stabilized in the ER) and had a complete alcoholic psychosis episode in the locked, secure unit hearing voices and seeing things--- total nervous breakdown. I threatened the staff, set off alarms and pulled a bedside bureau nailed to the floor and tried to throw it through a window to escape. It bounced off the thick PlexiGlass. I grabbed the Unit's security guard so hard by the arm to "help" me that I was told he had to be seen for possible injury. I was a total wailing crazy mess. I thought I was imprisoned and they were going to kill me. They had to sedate me to sleep. Just an endless cycle of drinking. Drinking myself to sleep, getting up at 3:30 AM to get drunk before work, going out to my car every hour for another drink, going home and repeating. Off the alcohol the withdrawal when not in detox was horrible. Drenched in sweat day and night, shakes/tremens, psychosis, depression amplified, crying uncontrollably, vomiting until I couldn't stand to eat for days at a time, not sleeping for 3-4 days at a time w/ no alcohol to put me to sleep, and the worst of all---thinking literally 24/7 about what I have done to my wife and friends and self. Every hour, every day---no break. As I said, everyone tells me to let go of the past. For about a week in January I thought I was turning the corner on my divorce, then I started drinking again. Downhill from there. My depression feeds my alcoholism, which feeds my self-loathing which makes me anti-social, which starts the process over---like a hamster wheel. I just feel like dying quietly---not even leaving a trace, like I never existed. I've never had any self-respect or liked myself particularly, although everyone else thought I was the kindest, most helpful guy they had ever met. What a double life to lead. Now everyone knows the truth---that although I'm sober at the moment, I'm probably another garden-variety throwaway drunk if I don't cease drinking for good. Maybe not even then. I'm scared to death of being homeless now. I have no family and no friends to stay with. I'm completely at a loss as to how to go on---and really would rather not. I'm crying as I write this, even though it makes me feel better to write it down. I don't know why---thinking about my wretched life 24 hours a day makes me nauseous. I guess its writing to a kindred spirit---that's why I liked AA. I didn't have to put on a mask. But I didn't work the steps or get a sponsor---I might as well not even been there. And now I'm so despondent that I can't bear the thought of going to a meeting until I get a job, I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of being such a LOSER in middle-age. And the nurse that took care of me in the ER in May is in my 6PM group.

I'm rambling, I know, but your message made me feel like writing my thoughts down for the first time. I'm so full of toxic shame and guilt and remorse and self-loathing that I frankly can't see a purpose for me, even if I straighten up. That's a horrible thing to say---but I've come to be comfortable in it---another sign of the sickness of alcoholism. I try to hand my life over to something greater, but I was not raised w/ any religion. I admire people who can believe there is a purpose to their lives no matter what they have done, but I have not been able to get there---mostly because of constantly relapsing. But it's also a "comfortable" place, which is completely INSANE to most people's thinking. I feel like a mental child and idiot---that I cannot grasp what other people do and just run away from life and drown in a bottle.

If you read this, thanks. I hope YOU find peace. Don't go my way.

anotherbottom

Ya know, I just realized that (although I'm new to the boards) that my avatar is the only one with an alcoholic theme. Everyone else's seems to be pretty or pleasant or downright beautiful or a pet or child. I guess that speaks of where I am today. That's how I see myself 24/7---even when I am sober. Bump that---especially when I'm sober. Funny---found that pic on the Web recently. When my wife and I were BF/GF back in 1986 I was starting my 22 year run-up 'til now and got drunk and passed out. They (her and her friend) actually found a piece of chalk-type something and drew an outline around me. I always thought it was funny.

I don't anymore. It was the beginning of what may be the end if I don't change right now.

CarolD

Wow what a powerful share
Welcome to our recovery community.

I have not gone down your way ...
mine was miserable in other ways
but I do have a deep sense of peace.

Yes...that comes directly from God
and my committment to AA.

You want a job before your willing to return to AA?
I found a new job by talking about my need in meetings.

You have so much to offer ...please get back to the
new life you know is possible.

This time get a sponsor and do Step work.
The Steps were my key to solid sobriety.

I too was older (53) when I finally quit
The last 19+ years have been extra special
sort of a bonus for surviving my addiction....

I do hope you plan on staying here with us

suki44883

(((HUGS))) to you, anotherbottom. Welcome to SR. That was a very powerful testimony. You have found a place full of very wonderful and supportive people. I hope you'll stick around and read the posts of others. Also, if you haven't, you might want to check out the stickies at the top of the Alcoholism forum. There is much wisdom there.

anotherbottom

Thanks, guys. These postings really are cathartic. Painful, but cathartic.

I just grieve over having thrown everything that I love away---and not even realizing that I loved them as much as I do now because I was wrapped up in an alcoholic blanket. It's very sad to see someone become a monster in front of your eyes. It's not as noticeable when it's yourself. Under the influence the slide into Hell is stealth. Being sober again for 5 days now but still shaking, I go between wanting to drink so bad and knowing that if I pick up another drink---considering what has happened this year---- I probably won't make it out again.

It's such a far cry from earlier this year. I had no idea how good I had it, good job, excellent coworkers, respect, good insurance, etc... I despised myself, but I had work to do and people to talk to. Going to AA sometimes. Still holed up in my apartment not interacting w/ society after work, but I got comfortable with that.

It must be difficult to see someone self-destruct right in front of your eyes... My coworkers watched me go from sort of a little "star" in our organization to circling the drain and just shaking their head in disbelief. When I was sober, I starched my shirt and slacks every night, often wore a tie and polished my shoes. I rarely wore jeans even on casual Friday. I liked looking sharp. And I was the "computer guy!" How often ya see the computer guy dressed like he was going to a board meeting? I guess I used it to mask what I was feeling inside. I was considered smart, resourceful, hard-working and was extremely well-liked when I was on my game. I solved problems, came up w/ suggestions that earned me praise. Trouble is---every time I get praise I like it for about 30 seconds and then I get depressed from feeling "undeserving." That's partly the alcohol, intertwined w/ some other issues, I guess, but toxic, nonetheless.

Flash forward a few weeks. I've been terminated, gently, but for what is really gross misconduct: drinking during working hours, being "sick" for 2 or 3 days at a time for several weeks, not being found when someone came looking for me. My supervisors had given me every chance to straighten up, and I blew every one of them until it was too late. I promptly went on a bender, drinking, usually, 24-26 beers a day, every day, drinking myself to sleep and only leaving my black apartment to get more...

I ended up--- I don't know how---at the Vet Admin ER with chest pains, feeling like I was having a heart attack. I called my assistant and told him I had checked myself in and been diagnosed w/ pancreatitis (alcohol causes 80% of that, I found out later). I told him I would be OK, but he let my former supervisor (a great lady w/ an alcoholic son) know. Here I am, hooked up to a "banana bag" of nutrients, a port in my arm (which I later pulled out, spilling blood from the tube backfilling on to the floor while on the psych ward floor), on oxygen, Ativan for withdrawal and not having bathed for a week or shaved for 10 days while drinking. A nurse is finishing up getting my vitals and I am groggy from the drug IV. I look up and there stands my supervisor. She sits down and just looks at me. She's very understanding, but also a mother-figure. I really liked her, and instead of slacks w/ razor creases and an Oxford that could stand on it's own, I have a pair of unwashed jeans, no socks and an unwashed T-shirt. I stink, my glasses are chipped from me throwing them around at home, my breath is horrible and I'm sure I stunk like a skid-row bum, which was essentially what I was. She talks to me and I can tell it's just pure pity for someone she knows is really not this person. She repeats, as I had heard so many times as I drowned in the drink: "Terry, you have so much you can offer this world. Everyone is so worried about you. You have people who are really concerned about you. Can I do anything for you?" This from the lady who sadly had to collect my work keys and BlackBerry three weeks earlier.

I felt so ashamed it was unbelievable, but being on Ativan all I could muster was a nod and "you like my new look?" trying to be humorous in the saddest of situations. We talked a couple of minutes and she left. Now, everyone back at (former) work will know exactly what a sad, pathetic mess I have become. I was so embarrassed---I will never forget the shame I felt, not knowing that I would be having a total break from reality just a few hours later, talking to oxygen sensor units and pulling my IV out and trying to escape a secure facility.

I really don't know where to go from here. I feel so overwhelmed I have panic attacks and cry and pace and cannot sleep (5 hours in 5 days so far----no booze to help). The last two days I tried walking a mile in the morning and the evening, which does feel good, except that I walk past people really LIVING life. Houses, lawns, kids, nice cars. Sun is out, which I stopped liking a couple of years ago, along w/ seeing people smile. The last few years I have rarely laughed or smiled unless I was drunk or faking it for a social situation---it just doesn't feel natural. How insane is that? I've been depressed my entire adult life, but I used to be very even-keeled. I would tell people that before my divorce I thought "being stressed-out" was something people said as a cop-out. I was never "stressed." Now I feel so much stress and anger (at myself only) and shame and sense of being overwhelmed that "life" seems hardly worth pursuing. I had pushed all my fears and anxieties down into myself for 40+ years. Never told my wife what bothered me until we were separated. Until it was too late. I've learned alot about myself the last 2 years, but it seems too late. I've left so much wreckage in cheating on the only person I ever loved with alcohol. She even said that she could understand if I cheated on her with another woman instead of a can of beer. That was like a knife to the heart, but she was absolutely right. The insanity of the affliction is just staggering. I have wished a million times that this was all just a bad dream or that I could flip a switch and take it all back. The reality is that, right now and for the last 17 months I have considered myself the lowest-of-the-low for breaking the trust of people who did nothing more than try to show me love. The more they tried the higher the wall I built. The more I sank. Now I find myself (through my own devices and decisions) completely alone, literally on the verge of insanity. I have made my own prison, when I had everything anyone would ever need. I'm not being hacked to death in Rwanda. I'm not facing IEDs in Iraq. I had what much of the world does not---and I refused to appreciate it unless I was sober. I just feel that trying to "move past" all this is the wrong thing to do, though I know by all wisdom I must or I will never get any better. A woman coworker asked me last December how long did I think I should keep up with despising myself and dwelling on the past. I said, "I know this is the wrong answer, but I would say FOREVER would be appropriate." That's how ashamed I am most of the time---sub-human, like I was a mass murderer that had finally realized what he had done. When in reality, aside from my marriage and wife, the person I have hurt the most is MYSELF. I fear I will never recover from it, even if I try my guts out and stay sober. It's just so haunting. How do people do it???


Thanks for the forum. Seeing this in print is sickening, but I feel a bit better, and I'm in good company of people who know of what I speak. I want to LIVE---but I am so afraid, like a little kid, that, if everything is for a reason, then maybe this agony of bad decisions and the disease of alcoholism is what I'm destined for---and that not everyone is destined to live a happy, peaceful or fulfilling life. My wife even said one time that I'm afraid of success, not failure. I think that's true in a way. What will I do if things get better? To most, that's ridiculous thinking. To me, it's still something to be afraid of. How the Hell did I get this way? I used to carry a rifle for a living......

Thanks for providing a forum for feelings... I've tried to avoid them since I can remember.

Theresa

AB: hehe...I don't even have an avatar because right now I am not comfortable with identifying myself either with this condition or my rebirth from it: not sure yet what that will look like.

You said "thinking about my wretched life 24 hours a day makes me nauseous": this is where my real pain comes from, even more so than drinking. If I drink too much, I feel bad for several days, but I beat myself up for weeks. All that mental beating up is what finally brought me here because I know that if I don't learn to quell that negative voice, I will use wine to do so.

I am trying really, really hard to catch myself when I start this negative talk to pull back from it. I don't get mad at myself for thinking this way, I just become aware that this negative chatter is starting up again and just "look" at it. This negative thinking (or negative avatars) are NOT us--they aren't. At our base, we are something more--something that becomes "visible" here in our discussions and sharing with each other.

nandm

Welcome to SR and our recovery forum. I do hope you find the experience, strength, and hope here as I did to help you resolve your alcohol problem

BackToSquareOne

Wow anotherbottom that sure is a powerful story in regard to what you have been through with alcohol. I hope your working with a psychiatrist or therapist in regard to the depression issues and other problems you'll obviously encounter in picking up the pieces. Depending on what your financial situation is there are state and federal programs that can help in that regard. I was in a similar situation when I almost drank myself to death in 1991 and ended up in a psych ward. I found that the most destructive thing was living in the past and ruminating over all the mistakes I had made along the way. I think that the key thing to remember is that you can only move forward, the past is just another page in the history books and can't be changed. Good luck in your journey and just remember that there is a lot of help out there if you choose to seek it out.

tommyk

Welcome, and keep coming back.

Tazman53

anotherbottom thanks for your share, I relate with a lot of it as far as the self hatred, the self pity, the feeling of not belonging, only feeling comfortable when being blitzed out of my mind, the guilt, the shame, the feeling of being totally worthless and undeserving of anything or anyone. Not wanting to look at myself in the mirror, the wanting to not drink but having to drink in order to function.

I found a solution after 40 years of drinking, I found my bottom and I did not want to die!!! I was a lost empty soul, I was scared, I knew if I continued to drink I was going to die, but I could not stop, it was no longer an option.

I had absolutely no idea how to stop or what to do!!! I was finally willing to do anything to get sober and also willing to do anything to stay sober.

I saw a doctor and had to be medically detoxed, soemtime about the 3rd day in detox I started to understand some of what they were saying to me.

In detox they told me over and over again "Martin if you want a chance to stay sober you need to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor."

When I left detox I was scared to death!!!! It took everything in my power to drive home without stopping to buy some booze.

I did not want to die, I was willing to do what ever it took to not drink again. I went to the very first AA meeting that day and asked a man to be my sponsor!

I found my solution in AA, other alcoholics way worse then you have found thier solution in AA as well, I know them, they are sober and happy today.

All it takes is the ability to be totally honest with your self and others and the willingness to follow the same path thousands of other alcoholics before us have followed to happy sobriety.

There is a solution Terry, are you willing to throw aside any prejudices and preconceptions you have, be totally honest, and follow suggestions? If you are then there is a solution.

Give the AA hotline in your area a call. The person who answers will be a recovering alcoholic, they will know exactly what you are going through right now and will get you started on the path to sobriety.

Terry you are not alone, there are millions of us all over the world.

least

I too drank to hide my feelings. I didn't like myself and was trying to drown my feelings so I wouldn't be so aware of hating myself and my life. I've tried and failed too many times to stop drinking. Today I'm back on day one and praying to God to get me thru the next few days of withdrawal til I start feeling more human.

Your story was very frightening. I hope you can find your way without alcohol and begin to believe in yourself. I'm trying to do just that, so we are on the same journey.

Keep coming back here, there's so much support and love and it really helps.

all the best to you!:ghug

austingemini

Welcome AnotherBottom. Having a direction is the most important part. Things will fall into place. Hang in there.

HideorSeek

Welcome, another bottom. Your post is very powerful in its message. Keep coming here. There are wonderful people who will support you and love you until (and beyond) you can do these things yourself.

anotherbottom

Thanks again, guys. Since I joined a coupla days ago and started posting I have felt better mentally even though nothing has changed. I take that back---several things has changed. I'm on day 6, eating right (eating, period) drinking water instead of alcohol, and walking each morning and evening. If I was drinking I would do none of these. I actually slept a few hours last night.

It's funny how when you are sober and feeling better and stronger than usual that you wonder WHY you have spent years of abuse trying to deny happiness, trying to bury self-worth, trying to destroy health and ruin potential and relationships. I'm reminded of the Bad Company song "Shooting Star," where "Johnny's life passed him by like a warm summer day." and it makes me incredibly sad to think of all the wasted time, energy and money that ended in no reward. Time that you can never get back.

It's the insidiousness of the disease, the cunning, baffling affliction that only alcoholics can truly seem to understand. Doctors have an excellent scientific/medical grasp on the epidemiology, but I've had more than one physician, though kind and helpful, just kinda shake their head at the condition and you could tell that they didn't really buy completely into the medical model of it as a disease---more of a "lifestyle choice." The nurses weren't nearly so kind. You could tell that you were taking up valuable space in their ER---space that could be used by someone REALLY sick...

Don't get me wrong, I'm split on alcoholism as pure disease, too. Alot of this is choice. I happen to come by it "honestly" gene-wise, I guess, as my mother and much of family were black-out drunks. But I have made bad choice after bad choice for years and years, and I try to hold myself accountable for them. But how do you do that when they are in the past? I wasn't able to answer for them at the time (too busy drinking) and now it's history, but history that those who suffered through it won't forget. The hanging point for me will always be remorse. I suppose it's good that I feel remorse---some don't---but it consumes me. AA and therapy help redirect thoughts to a future-oriented mindset, but nothing can erase them. But erasing them wouldn't teach me anything, so I guess they are invaluable in recovery. As in the Promises, "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." I have alot of trouble w/ the "not regretting part." It just seems unnatural. I need someone to help me understand WHY you should not regret the past!

Just as an aside, the comic/radio host Dennis Miller (love him or hate him) has an astute observation of alcoholism that at the same time infuriates me and makes me me think he may have hit the nail on the head---I'm divided. It goes something like, "alcoholism is the easiest disease in the world to cure---just stop drinking." And "it's not like lymphoma victims are going around chugging ice cold cans of cancer juice, right?" Raw humor, to be sure, but it makes me reevaluate my affliction with those who don't get up each morning to try and poison themselves a little bit more each day ("sobering," I guess)..........

anotherbottom

“Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.”
---Mitch Hedberg

BackToSquareOne

Anotherbottom, you bring up a lot of good points but remorse and regret for our past mistakes is one thing but constant runinating on the past and living in the past is quite another. I found that when I lived in the past I was unable to function due to the depression it caused. Accepting what you can not change and going forward is really your only sane option. As far as whether alcoholism is a disease or choice, my opinion is that it has components of both in that we make the choice to let the disease progress. By the way, good job on day 6, it does get better as the days pass and our bodies normalize.

anotherbottom

Thanks, SquareOne. As I always say, I know this intellectually---but putting it into play is very hard for me.Having always been a fatalist and seeing the worst of everything has hobbled me in moving past and focusing forward.

endzoner

anotherbottom , all i can say is wow, what a roller coaster of emotions writting so clear , and how many of us can relate so vividly the emotions your having. You have so much to share keep bloging if thats what works do it ! I know your words have affected me and im sure many others. Live in the day and our prays are with you

anotherbottom

I remember the most devastating thing my wife said to me that brought home the whole point of what the issues were in our marriage and life. She had filed for divorce a few weeks before, and it was finalized within about 10 days. I was sober at the time, but just insanely hurt by what I had done to her the past few years in every aspect of the union failing and I was literally an emotional basket-case and barely able to function...

I called her. Sometimes she answered, sometimes she didn't. It wasn't a bitter divorce---it was, in retrospect, the absolute right thing to do. She was just trying to not let me "creep back in."

But at the time I was pleading that she not close the door completely on us even if we were getting divorced. The divorce attorney even told her "people get remarried to the same person all the time." I thought if I could get my act straight---just maybe someday...

At one point I was just beside myself in trying to apologize and profess my love for her in spite of everything that had transpired the past few years. At one point I said "J-----, I would take a bullet for you!"

She said "Terry, I don't want you to take a bullet for me. I want you to stop drinking."