marilyn s

I'll be 50 next February. I don't feel that old, and because I have good genes I don't look it either, despite all of the **** I've put my body through.
I wish I hadn't spent my life changing my reality constantly and progressively more destructive through alcohol and drugs. Pot was my main drug that was my main stay through the years. Alcohol robbed me of my self respect, and was an unfaithful lover for years. I have hurt my daughters through my self destructive ways. My oldest daughter is more in touch with this pain, my younger daughter doesn't have any idea yet. She's so smart, funny, pretty...and a prime candidate for addiction because of her hereditary genes from myself and her terminally addicted loser father. She just doesn't understand yet that this life is not a dress rehearsal. Hopefully I'll find the strength in my damaged methods of communication to get through to her before it's too late. I feel so sad that I let these addictions rule my life.

Doug

I've felt like this before. The classic, "if I knew then what I know now" saying fits.

But we didn't, and here we are. It doesn't have to be like that anymore, and starting today we can do things different, better.

From the BB: "When I focus on the problem, the problem increases, when I focus on the answer, the answer increases"

MootPoint

Either you didn't say, or I didn't pick up, whether or not you are in recovery.

If you are, your daughters should see that it doesn't have to be that way. That they don't have to be addicted.

If you are still using, as Doug says, "it doesn't have to be that way anymore, and starting today we can do things different, better. "

It's your choice. Take care, regardless.

marilyn s

Thanks for your responses. Yes, recovery is a choice. I've been seriously working on this for over a year now. I left a job and profession I loved because it was not condusive to my recovery. I have gone through two recovery programs, been active in AA meetings, have two sponsers, a weekly therapist that is experienced in dependency, I have been doing everything I can do to achieve sobriety. I'm still struggling, and I still want to escape when the stress gets to be too much. I hate it when I give in to my destructive nature. I don't know what else to do but try to talk about this and hope I don't get negative responses because I already beat myself up so much and I don't need others adding to this. I want to be sober, I just don't know how to do this yet.