plulu

So I posed the question yesterday on this forum "how do you define an alcoholic".

I think I was just desperatley trying to find some proof that I wasnt. I'm still not completely sure I am, but there is something wrong when the majority of my time is spent with Budweiser and my life seems like it's taking forever.

Last night after reading the responses on here (thank you by the way everyone) I got extremely agitated. I had already drank about 4 beers by the time I posted my message and drank 2 more while reading. (all in about 90 minutes) I got some kind of anxiety attack, made myself throw up, took the rest of the beer out of my frig (didnt dump it though) went out and bought a pack of smokes (havent smoked in 10 months).

WTF?? I think I'm freaking out. I cant believe I made myself throw up. I still couldnt sober up, so I went to bed.

I'm starting to realize that my life is just not in my control anymore. I do things I dont want to do, lie and agree to things that screw me over in the end so that everyone else can be happy and let people walk me and I just hide out most of time. Emotional abyss.

Soooo I went online this morning and found an AA meeting near me that is on Wed nights. I feel like a chump cause I know I'm prolonging going. I'm scared and I dont know what to expect. what happens? Are you expected to speak?

Rob B

Sounds like you are doing some hard soul searching to find your truth, this is a good start. If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. This is a hard chunk of truth to swallow.

The good news is, you never have to drink again. If you are interested in AA, The 12 step program of recovery is outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, it is our basic text which the fellowship took its name from. Going to meetings is a great thing to do, but that in and of itself will probably not keep you sober and happy.

You don't have to speak at meetings, just introduce yourself, you don't even have to admit you are alcoholic if you are not sure. There are many types of meetings, I would suggest going to a Big Book study or literature based meetings, the odds of finding someone who has recovered from alcoholism is greater.This person can help you discover your truth.

AA is not the only way to get sober, it is the only program I have experience with so that's what I share. Keep posting and looking, if you honestly seek you will find what you are looking for, We are here to support you.

Ananda

There is obviously a part of you really wanting to be sober! That's exciting. I know a first meeting can be scarry. Can you call your local AA (usually a number in the yellow pages of local phone book) and ask if someone could take you to the meeting and pick you up early? Tell them you want to know what to expect at the meeting.

If that isn't possible....just go. It is scary, but my first meeting also brought me great relief. Ask for phone numbers if they aren't offered so that you can call people and ask questions or just talk if you need to.

Hang in there !:ghug3

CarolD

Here is a link to exactly what to expect from an AA meeting

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-about-aa.html

Try to relax...be gentle with yourself

collinsmi

What you're feeling and going through lately is pretty standard. Things wont seem so desperate for long, whether you stop or keep drinking. At least thats the way it was for me.

No, you won't be expected to speak. You might be asked to, and if you don't want to talk just say so. They certainly won't throw you behind a podium like AA people are shown on TV!

What to expect? You'll go into a room with other people, probably 7 or 8 to 30 or so of them. There will probably be tables set up into a rectangle shape. Chairs will be on the outside of them, so everyone can see everyone else. Off to the side, there will be some coffee. Help yourself! There may be some literature off to the side too; pamphlets and schedules. Usually these are free.

At the beginning of the meeting whoever is the meeting chairperson (people take turns for this and generally sign up in advance) that week will read some introductory material and meeting rules and ask a few people to read short passages out of the book "Alcoholics Anonymous". Everyone will recite the serenity prayer. Someone will make various announcements about the fiscal state of the meeting (rent being paid, and so on) and other announcements about AA activities taking place in the near future. Introductions may or may not be made - when they are people introduce themselves by saying "I'm first name and I'm an alcoholic". Everyone will then reply "Hi first name!" Chips may or may not be handed out for anniversaries of sobriety lengths.

All of that will take about 10 minutes. Then the chairperson will introduce the meeting topic and expound on it for a minute or two. People will then take turns talking (hopefully about recovery - what they did to get better). It's considered bad form to launch into conversations while this is going on or direct comments to one particular member. This will go on to the last minute or so of the meeting. At some point, a basket for voluntary donations will be passed around. Donate or not as you wish, it's voluntary. At the end, people will generally hold hands in a big circle and recite a prayer again, and the meeting is over.

There are a few different types of meetings. Meetings are either open (anyone can attend) or closed (alcoholics only). What I've described above is a discussion meeting, there are also book and step study meetings, which are very similar to discussion meetings, with only the topic being more selective. For book studies, people read parts of a book aloud and then talk about the reading. Speaker meetings are generally open. An AA member will talk for an hour about their alcoholism and recovery. They volunteer in advance.

least

My favorite kind of meetings are the discussions. I like hearing everyone's thoughts on a topic, even if I don't want to speak myself. The lead meetings are good too cause you get to hear someone's story in depth and realize that you are not alone in your despair and depression over drinking.

Do'nt be afraid. They won't bite, but probably will come up and shake your hand and introduce themselves. They're a friendly lot at AA. You needn't be afraid.:ghug3

beingjenagain

Believe me I didn't wake up one day and say "Gee Whiz, my life isnt going to well. I think I will just stop drinking and everything will be peach keen!"
You are walking the walk we have all had to take, the realization that your life is out of control.
Keep posting, reading and going to support groups. I didn't go to rehab but at times wish I had made the time.

Anna

Hi Plulu,

Your post hit home with me, as you talked about the moment of realization that you are in over your head. I made a choice to self-medicate with alcohol at a time in my life when I was pulled in ten different directions and dealing with chronic pain and insomnia. It never occurred to me that it was a bad choice. In fact, it worked for awhile, not long, but awhile. And, then, like you, I kind of 'hit a wall'. I realized that I had no control over the alcohol or my life and I had to make a choice to save myself.

I'm glad you are seeking recovery.

Zanthos

Hi Plulu,

From what you mentioned about your family yesterday, it sounds like you might need counseling as well. Whether it is in-patient or outpatient, many of us found that we had some serious emotional issues that just weren't going to go away. I needed both intensive therapy as well as the AA orientation I got in treatment.

Sounds like you're dealing with some pretty powerful stuff, and the first thing you need (in whatever form you choose) is to get some help. We cannot fix ourselves alone.

Tazman53

Well plulu it is Thursday morning............ did you go to the meeting? I absolutely love to hear people tell about thier first meeting.

I was scared to death, I had this image of a bunch of scruffy looking old men sitting in a smoke filled room, smoking cigarrettes and drinking coffee talking about how miserable their life was now that they couldn't drink anymore! AA was in my eyes a place for old alcoholic losers who couldn't control thier drinking anymore, it was all gloom and doom!

Well I was drunk as a skunk when I went to my first meeting, I was also totally shocked, at first I thought I was in the wrong place, these people were laughing, smiling, talking and joking around with each other. They looked just like anyone I would see at the store but much happier!!!!

I thought they would not welcome someone like me who was fall down drunk........... how wrong I was, I was more then welcome, I had men shaking my hand and introducing them selfs.

My first meeting was about 5 years before my second meeting which I went to the first night I was in detox. I found the same thing in that meeting as well.

I have never heard a single person say they were not scared going to their first meeting, heck a lot of folks sit in the parking lot and never get out of thier car the first time they try to go to a meeting, but they eventually make it into the rooms.

One thing to keep in mind as you look around that room is that every single alcoholic there was just as scared as you were of that first meeting.

barb dwyer

welcome plulu - you're off to a good start - honesty is a powerful tool in recovery.