softerlouder

I am a slightly different case, but slightly is the key. my problem with alcohol is different than most, 1 or 2 was always enough, 3-4 was always too much. I never like the feeling of more than just 1 or 2. 3 is the max, after that I am hating life.

But, I did rely on my 2 drinks daily for quite some time(maybe a year or a little more).

I talked with several doctors over time and all told me that for a grown man(im 30) that 2 drinks daily was healthy. I took that too literal. I didn't ever give myself a break.

Here I am approaching 2 months now without a drink(60 days in 2 more days).


I do have many similiar symtpoms as others. I feel my anxiety overall has decreased from when I was drinking(what a paradox the beer was to relax)

But I do have moments where I feel like I slip into a black hole of despair, and hopelessness. Not true depression, but a really dark day here and there. It never lasts and I understand its cycle. but it happens. I lose perspective on life and feel so different and trapped in that moment. Then the next day I could wake up fine, usually do.

My mind has been a whirlwind, I overthink. I have become like an ADD type person times 1,000. I am creative and really over the top with idea after idea.

I paint, and work in a creative field so this is beneficial. But then I out of nowhere get fatigued where I am still thinking creatively but I want to do nothing. Its not that I am really tired or anything just apathetic to doing anything. I become almost in a slight fog as well.

I have had headaches(mainly tension) and lots of soreness in my body(mainly tension).

I drank to relieve tension, anxiety, etc. I guess its a rebound.

I am also recieving strange muscles spasms in my face where muscles feel like they just quit working for a few minutes.

I have read PAWS about 6 times now, its possible. I just would like some comrades, chime in and tell me its ok, that these are what you felt too, it will help me relax about it a bit.

I have been to the doctors 3 times now and I check out fine. I have been to Psychaitrists and I check out as someone who needs help with stress(therapy). I am doing therapy.

I have some other health issues, simple ones that I have been dealing with for some times, so there maybe some connection but these issues I mention above have been here since I quit drinking.

Its obvious that my body adjusted and depended on the little alcohol I gave it. It probably explains why I felt so stressed towards the end, my body wanted more but I had no desire for more. So it was probably a chemical battle that I didn't realize.

I do not fit into the alcoholism mold, but I do think that alcohol was a negative not a positive in my life. I have taken the surveys and I usually meet 1, 2 at most of the potentials for alcoholism. I am not saying my path was a good one or a happy one, I learned a lot of lessons. Alcohol It did turn on me, and I did become dependant on something that no longer was doing the job of relieving stress. I am abstaining and feel no cravings. I don't miss the life of a nightly night cap. But I recognize I am no different than anyone else, the potential for a serious problem years down the road was a strong possiblity. I am thinking AA might be good to learn and help in my other issues of life, but I just don't know. I don't plan on never drinking again, I just plan on my immediate goals of today, and at least 100 days. If I ever drink again it will be an occasional social drink not a routine ever again. But maybe AA has something that could help me, with stress, with life, with finding myself and learning to be happy being me? I don't know. I wish there were self help groups that fit my life, but I checked no luck.

I met with a priest today because I still feel lost, like a lost soul. I am trying to listen to GOD verses trying to make god real by my actions. Too cynical, but I know spirituality would be helpful in my life. I am just trying to listen.

Everyday is a new start to a potential new positive experiance. I am open to it all.

Goodluck(PS thanks to all those that keep me company)

chip

Hi Softerlouder,

I'm glad you shared your story with us. Congrats on your decision to abstain.

12 step programs can help people in a number of ways. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking. This is one of the 12 traditions that AA is based upon.

I learned in AA that it doesn't matter HOW much any of us drank...Alcohol was a negative force in our lives, and we want to live without it.

It's good that you have an open mind. I believe you might get something out of AA. Planning on your immediate goals of today is a common practice for AA folks..."one day at a time" is one of the slogans.

AA is a simple program for complicated people (like me). I'm thankful that I'm an alcoholic because I've gained so much from my AA membership.

I encourage you to keep your mind open, and continue to explore options to help you with your struggles. You are not alone. You may be a different case, but we all share a common goal: to stay alcohol free.
chip

CarolD

Here is what I suggest...

Check out this ....behavior modification for stress

SMART Recovery®

And also go to AA meetings for awhile.
Spirituality is what you can find there
It's certainly worth exploring..

Well done on your sober time.

justjo

Hi Softerlouder
Gee, you sound just like me! I feel the same most times and have never had the guts to talk to anyone about it. Really, I do think it is fantastic that you have stopped the drinking, just great. I too do this, I think to release the stress I cope with daily. My job is terribly demanding, life in general you know the stuff and I too 1-2 and 3-4 and Im asleep. Many say ohh thats nothing but I can see the potential of what could come. What I have decided to do is reassess my life right now. I need a big break, change of lifestyle, slow down, Im getting older and need a reality check. I have realized this for sometime now but just havent had the time or the guts to do it.
The daily grind can just keep grinding away if we let it, so I have just had a great holiday to help me relax and focus on what I want. Maybe you need to do this too. Look at whats not fitting in anymore and start thinking of yourself. Thats funny, me telling someone else to do these things and I havent quite done it myself yet. Anyway good luck.

Music

I don't know if Father Joe Martin is still alive, haven't heard much about him lately, but he was one of the first alcoholic preists in AA and did many tapes, both video and audio about the disease of alcohoism and recovery from said disease. He stated in one of his tapes the following: "If alcohol causes problems, then alcohol is the problem. If you have a problem leaving alcohol alone, you need help." I'm not sure I know what you mean when you say "alcoholism mode" but if the above statement fits you, I'd say you have a problem with alcohol. Whether or not you're alcoholic and need AA or another program to deal with it, is up to you. That's not my business, but if drinking is cause for you to give it any more attention than to make the decision whether or not to have a drink, you should pay attention to that. Normal drinkers don't give alcohol the time of day, kind of like whether or not to have green beans for dinner. The fact that you're here asking questions speaks volumns.

softerlouder

I no longer drink, dont wish to drink and the drinking wasn't really the problem.

I do believe I started to get some health effects of the daily nightcap and I do believe it was causing me anxiety and maybe some dependancy.

I drank because my doctor thought it would be helpful in my diet to have 1-2 drinks, I listened and followed it too religiously. The reason he suggested this is I am trying to taper off of medications that cause anxiety and some people find relief with alcohol. This was true for me, however I didn't expect a year later to still be working my way off. But its part of the process. I now believe the alcohol made it more difficult to taper, and made me feel worse. I personally don't want anything in my body anymore that is a potential negative. So that is me today.

I guess I didn't expect the consequences of quitting my daily nightcap either? I just thought a few drinks, maybe a year in length, quitting no problem. I was wrong.

So the really problem is me. I am highly motivated, usually in a management type position, or the boss or the idea man. I put a lot of stress on myself, and my stress I feel is physical. I then got hooked on some anti anxiety meds by bad advice given by a doctor who assured me that they were non addictive, well they were and I never changed or abused my dose. I just couldn't stop taken them without getting super sick.

The alcohol was added because I was grasping at straws for relief. It worked. I carried on for a year and then decided that at first it might have helped but after some time it was no longer offering the relief or the aid in getting my body 100% free of toxins. I had worked hard to only be at a 50% better position, not 100% free.

The alcohol I gave up by tapering down ounce by ounce daily. I have learned to taper everything. I am not going to shock my system ever again with a cold turkey on anything. I have tried that and failed miserably. I tapered roughly 24-36 ounces of beer over two months. It was for the most part easy, just an increase in anxiety and feeling at times like my blood sugar dropped dramatically. When I finally quit I started having some typical withdrawal symptoms only they were mild. Now two months later and I have some lingering strange symtoms. I never expected any of this as I was such a light drinker. But I guess it was enough to have a change in my body's chemistry. Now my body is trying to adapt without it. I accept that, but its strange. No doubt.

I appreciate the responses.

Rimmy

You might be an overacheiver... This can be a blessing in some senses, as the creative motivational juices are flowing, so much can be accomplished. But sometimes, when you set your goals high but your body or mind need a break, you might not know how to cope with slowing down.

I've found that my mind races, and I worry about what I won't get done rather than pat myself on the back for what I did get done. I try to get to everthing and as hard as I work, at the end of the day I am let down. Or during the day, I get upset because I can't do everything. As of late, I am simply slowing down and I have more good days than bad. I still work to much, but try to roll with things as they come and not think about everything at once... one project at a time.

Hope it helps to know you are not alone

Music

We're not counselors here. If alcohol isn't a problem, why are you posting here?

softerlouder

Thanks Rimmy, very good post.

Music-I asked specific alcohol questions, if you want the universe to be alcoholic(in title) well friend I am sorry I can't oblige. I think my alcohol issues pertain to many and their life experiances can help me better myself. That said, of course this place is about counseling one another.

softerlouder

counselor-defintion: one who advises or gives advice.

Sounds like its a match to me. I would much rather get counseled from someone with life experiance than someone who read something in a book. Thats the point of community forums.

Thanks

laurie6781

Actually we share our OWN STORIES, of what it was like, what happened and what it is like now............................................... ....and being alcoholic myself, your mode of drinking, your questions now, would best be answered by a medical professional.

As Music said we are not counselors. Not here or in AA. We just share our own experience, strength and hope to give others a means of identifying and seeing if they also can quit their alcoholic drinking and work on fixing themselves, btw many with private counseling in addition to AA.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

softerlouder

counselor-defintion: one who advises or gives advice.

Sounds like its a match to me. I would much rather get counseled from someone with life experiance than someone who read something in a book. Thats the point of community forums.

Thanks

LosingmyMisery

We are not trained/licensed counselors. We are alcoholics.

The point of community forums is to share our experience, strength and hope.

Music

Softerlouder, I'm an alcoholic. I can't relate to 1 or 2 drinks to take the edge off. Can you relate to the definition in the Big Book regarding a "real alcoholic?" Sounds to me like you control your drinking pretty well. I can't, didn't and never could. Judging by my past experience, trying to drink like you damn near killed me. If I could drink like you, I might just give it a try, but I can't. That's my experience, not counseling. Again, if you don't think you're an alcoholic, why are you here?

Tommyh

Music Father Martin is still alive.He has been in and out of the hospital several times in the last few years.
They have put up a web site with some of his resources like Chalk Talk

Father Martin

laurie6781

Thank you Ballard.

I have bookmarked his site. His "Chalk Talk" tapes were very helpful to me in early recovery.

Love and hugs,

softerlouder

Well, I guess I don't belong. I am not looking for counseling from anyone here, my initial post just asked for exactly what everyone on this forum does, which is state their opinion. And of course many times advice is given, I see it daily. Thats just the facts. So I don't belong. I write posts about alcohol and how I didn't become exactly like many. I guess the misery loves company is valid. I just figured, quite simply that I needed to quit because I drank for the wrong reasons. My future was heading in the direction of alcoholism, I think by reading a site like this I was able to see my future which may have helped me. I am an advocate for myself, I imagine many are not. I stumbled upon this site because I was curious about the effects of alcohol. I wondered about quitting drinking. I quit drinking. I got some effects after quitting drinking. I was interested in stories of others, I was looking for others stories. I guess I still don't belong. See the problem I see is simple, if you have a problem and don't do anything for yourself and you can't recognize that maybe others are also having issues and you sit idle with no action then what do you have left? Simple, No room for growth and inaction leading to more misery. I am sorry I can't apoligize for being curious, for wanting to quit drinking even if the amount makes others upset, I am sorry I can't be what you want me to be, but thats ok because I am again an advocate for myself. Thank you to those who listened and understood and participated as a community.

Tazman53

Softerlouder this may just be simple reality..... I am not being a smartie pants, but since I got sober I notice good days and off days, not really bad days, but days that just do not seem right.

justjo

OK its obviously everyone has different levels of drinking, 1,2,5,bottles, ounces a day, whatever.
What I think Softer is trying to say is what I have experienced and still do at times.
Its a level of anything between 1-4 glasses a day. Maybe only 3 nights straight, could be 7 nights straight, could be 2 with one night break. Its knowing from this level of drinking that this may not be a good thing, where can this go, can this be it, am I relying on it. The answer was yes. At this level we might not be drinking like my sister does where she is having seizures but after 4 glasses Im history. (a different level of getting pissed). Its a quick fix of relaxing and having a drink over a couple of hours (who knows)
Maybe softer was simply asking = does anyone else experience this because he felt it didnt fit into the getting shakes or blacking out level.
We all have bad and good days but I understand softer when he says, sometimes it gets that bad, you dont actually know where its coming from, like a lost soul. You seem to (do) all the time with no rewards and that drink (one or two or four) is. Thats why I am still learning not to (do) too much for every bloody one I know.
It doesnt matter what level or type of drinker you are, its ok to ask isnt it.
JJ

BackToSquareOne

I would not consider someone who only has a few drinks a day an alcoholic by any stretch of the imagination.