softerlouder

I don't have a god in my life.

I truly don't and have not for years.

I am catholic born and baptised. However non practicing.

I am lost in this world.

I spend so many days not feeling well. I have had a tough life in many ways. I am still usually a somewhat happy person. I am more the anxious type rather than the depressive type.

I don't know the answer with why I hurt so much. My guess is that part of it is me trying to taper off anxiety medicines, some of it is tolerance of same anxiety medicine, some of it is probably a result of drinking a few drinks everyday for comfort for 2 years and recently quit, part of it is my thinking and worrying, part of it is just anxiety, part of it is physical as I am wired naturally.

Again I am lost in this world.

I have a good job, a good family, a newborn amazing son.

I just feel pain, stress, worry, fear, dizzy, out of breath, tension, worn out. I don't sleep well, and I sometimes just can't relax I am just wired.

I don't know where to turn. I have been to numerous doctors, no true answer other than keep working on what I am doing, stick with it. I have not been found to have anything truly wrong with me.

I have done counseling, its been not extremely helpful, I have done cognitive same thing. It helps but my problem is usually 90% physical, then I obsess over the physical sensations.

I lost touch with god years ago. I am a believer still but I have no connection.

I pray and feel like a fraud, I don't feel warm and fuzzy anymore. I feel alone and ignored. I question what is god, where is god, how is god possible.

I am addicted to watching shows about haunted houses etc. I watch them in hopes of seeing evidence of a real ghost that way I will feel like there is more than just "this".

I go to church occasionally and can't do it. My mind in prayer or church is a whirlwind. I can't shut it off, it races and I can't focus and I am scattered and I feel jaded and disconnected.

I feel worst of all some anger. I feel that I was let down. I prayed everyday. I went to church. I was so loyal and then I had a few traumatic incidents(parents divorce, last gf nearly died only to destroy our relationship after her recovery, years of working and getting screwed over by friends and coworkers, debt, no health insurance and subsequent bad credit as a result)

I spent the last 8 years trying to put my life back together and its been amazingly impossible. Its been a rough 8 years. I feel like I have done it alone. I tried to connect with god but I never got close again. I just keep fading away. I am so jaded now that I am cynical of all things religion. I am cynical of believers. I think believers are fools.

The funny thing is its not true in my mind. I am just jealous of your faith. I am jealous of your strength and peace. I am jealous.

My life has improved with my newborn son. Although its also been the hardest time and not the best physical condition to have a newborn in. My wife has spent a ton of time trying to recover and is completely exhausted so its been a lot of pressure for me and it sucks that I feel so sick most of the time. But I felt moments where I felt like god existed because of my baby boy.

But I lose the connection so quickly.

Somedays I think that I am possessed by the devil. That I am a terrible person, maybe a future evil, that I am cursed, and the opposite of what god wants. Deep down I am a good person, I don't do anything mean or anything wrong to anyone. I just feel so confused at why I haven't been accepted so my conclusion is that I am possesed or allowed evil into my life.

I know it sounds extreme, but I have had so much bad luck over the last 8 years. The stories I could tell....

I am taking it day by day, just waiting for my luck to change. Just waiting for god to accept me.

I think many times that maybe god is just an idea to give us peace with the thought of death. I sure hope not.

I want to be mentally, physically and spiritually healthy.

I want to put my life in gods hands and feel peace, serenity and comfort.

I am jealous. I feel that believers are not thinking about the details they are just taking it blind. I can't do that, I think too much, I can't just let it be.

Sorry for the length, sorry for the ramble, I just needed to vent, to explain myself because I desperatly want a renewed connection. I feel unable to forgive and love right now as well. I don't feel happy or sad. I just feel indifferent and I am not cherishing the most precious aspects of life.

I am a lost soul.

I wish I could have a few drinks tonight, but I gave that up. I am not an alcoholic but I was certainly not heading in the right direction. I am best off staying away from drining for a good period of time so far its been 45 days.

I have felt these feelings for a while. I would say they become worse about 4 years ago and its been a steady decline.

I feel like I need evidence. I need god to walk into my room, hold my hand and heal me of this pain and cynical mind.

sorry guys- I hope for some insight. A good portion of the length was for theraputic reasons. I needed to let it go.

Dean62

My experience is not that you are a lost soul or that God is not there. The problem is I have allowed so many things to block my connection with God. God is there for me and willing to help I just need to remove the blocks, tare down the the walls, brake out of my self made prison.

Some of the things you mentioned that may be blocking your connection are:
drinking, worrying, stress, fear, feeling like a fraud, feeling alone and ignored, doubting, feeling jaded, racing mind (whirlwind), anger, anxiety, tension, worn out, wired (don't relax)feeling let down, past traumatic incidents, resentment (being screwed over by friends and coworkers), trying to do it alone, cynical, jealousy, beliefs about yourself ie. you are a terrible person, future evil, cursed, you are not accepted, limiting yourself by saying you can't do that or you can't just let it be, feeling unable to forgive and love, putting conditions on God (you need evidence, you need to physically see God perform miracles you determine necessary and any more you have not mentioned here.

The more of these we remove the more of the spirit we feel.

I hope that makes sense to you.

softerlouder

dean thats is an interesting perspective. Thank you for that.

I don't disagree with your assesment and its certainly worth exploring.

CarolD

You want to see miracles?
I see them n every AA meeting and in my mirror.

In AA...you are asked to find a power greater than yourself.
I did return to the God of my childhood.
This is not true for everyone...but it's working great for me.

You are waiting for a sign?
What about the miracle of being a parent?
You are now entrusted with a special life.
You can now teach and love a child.


Blessings to you and your family

22NGONE

Softer Louder,

Hello, I consider myself to have faith. I have faith in a higher power that gives me strength and purpose. But I must confess that there have been times, recently, when, because of the way things have happened, I have asked God if I am evil, if there is some evil in me which I cannot remove. I have felt distant from God and not "right."

I prayed on it ernestly and asked God to remove it from me. Yet I still felt removed from God, as if there was something keeping me from Him.

Now I have come to believe that my evil was rooted in self-will, the more I tried to impose MY WILL on those around me and on my life, the worse things got. Recently I have had a bit of a epiphany, I released my will and turned it over to God. I have prayed, sincerely, for God to bless those who oppress me.

Since, I have started doing this I feel unburdened and nearer to God when I pray. My problems are still there, but they do not weigh me down. I am not a "bible thumper" or one who preaches to others, I'm hoping maybe this will help you.

Good
Orderly
Direction

"Patience and tolerance, through these things we achieve humility."

John

Rimmy

I too have the racing whirlwind mind seeking all the answers... it brings about anxiety and stress. I remember times when I would go sit at the beach, listen to music, and just enjoy the ocean breeze. Now I couldn't be bothered and I hate myself for not taking the time to enjoy the simple things.

My sister in law just brought her baby son home yesterday and I did'nt really feel a thing. I was more annoyed at trying to figure out how the damn car seat buckled in than I was excited about the new baby. I guess that is what jaded means? Bitter and grumpy.

But I don't blame God, I blame some fault within myself. After reading your emotional state, and some of the responses, it makes me think I'm just not allowing myself to bath in all the good things around me. I suppose I have a choice to be a miserable sod, or to get up and do something about it... I don't know.

Just know you are not alone. I'm just in a minor panic myself because I my mom committed suicide when she was my age, and I am in such a funk, I wonder if depression is passed down generation to generation, or if it a learned thing. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, but I don't want to live feeling like this everyday.


Hang in there softerlouder.. we'll get thorough it. Congratulations on that "miricle" son of yours too. I think I'll spend some time with my nepheaw today for sure... see if I don't see a miricle in my own home today.

Sugah

softerlouder, I could have written your post not all that long ago. I believed, though I didn't trust, and all around me, those who'd "gotten it" evoked nothing but my envy. Why them and not me? What was I doing that was so wrong that I continually brought the wrath of God down on me?

It took awhile, and I can't tell you exactly how it came about (except to say that it was in the process of taking the steps), but I realized a few things. First, those of faith and serenity had their own challenges but were happy and succeeding despite that fact. Second, they were less likely to label things "good & bad." Third, and perhaps most importantly, my self-centeredness was rooted in my coveted victim identity.

My greatest fear in giving up the victim identity was that I would cease to be important. I would cease to have the attention of those around me. I would have to recreate myself from nothing. I was a victim for so long that I could not imagine myself as anyone else.

If you talked to a hundred people who knew me then, most of them would have characterized me by my weakness - some sympathetically, some not so sympathetically. If you talked to a hundred people who know me today, most of them would characterize me by my strengths. I know that they still notice what some might call weakness - I had chance to hear someone not long ago refer to my disabilities as "handled with grace" - but that's not at the center of my existence anymore.

It takes some "blind faith" sometimes, although it's not truly blind. As empirical evidence of another way of life, like CarolD pointed out, I had the stories of all those in the rooms to guide me. I latched onto their hope and, as my sponsor suggested, "put one foot in front of the other" - even when it was purely metaphorical (I was in a wheel chair when I first got sober). Over time - 2007 days, to be exact - my life changed. Dramatically.

Oh, and another thing - one thing I had to let go of in addition to that victim identity was this idea of a punishing God. My conception of God resembles little the fear-inducing deity I was told about as a child.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Ananda

I'm not much of a "god person", but I have gone through the "dark night of the soul". It is actually the clearing away of all the false supports and the end of it is an epiphamy. I'm sure that sounds strange, but you might want to read from that writing. It was written by Saint John of the Cross, and if you come from a christian background it might speak to you. We have started a reading group and that is what we will be reading first because the women of many faiths have all found it to be helful.

Sometimes what looks like the end is really a begining.

caraway

I've just started reading 'dark night of the soul' by Saint John of the Cross - what a good idea to have it for discussion in a reading group!

Softerlouder - you say you are not practicing the faith you were brought up with but that you still believe. For me it is just that - practice and more practice - with a spiritual path of your choice - I mean - I don't think one has to go to church to 'practice', there are lots of ways.

sugErspun

I was told, when I was new to sobriety- that the thing that was probably blocking me most from experiencing 'God' was the desire itself.

I would say "I really want to have a spiritual experience, I truly believe it can happen and I want to"

Sponsor says " Do you realize how utterly selfish that statement is?"

wHoah!

I set aside what I thought i knew - went through the steps with an open mind, but a hopeless state - I had some experiences based on action that absolutely proved the existence of 'God' to me. Hope became Faith became Fact in my life...and I have not thought of a drink in quite a while (I was a daily heavy drinker that could not stop for the life of me)

1963comet

Is it possible you might have that depression after having a baby???

Just an idea, I know you said you went through this years ago also.

Jomey

Hey softerlouder - Remember, God doesn't "lose" souls...so in no way are you lost. I have two suggestions for you that have helped me alot (I am a practicing Catholic)...first, read the Footsteps prayer over and over and over...it helped me to realize that when things were awful in my life, they would have been that much worse without God to help me through, even when I didn't realize (or care to acknowledge) that He was there.

Also, is it possible to just make a visit to a church... I live in a really, really small town where no one locks their doors, including the church...often times I will just go sit there when no one else is around, and listen. I have anxious tendancies, also, and sometimes praying (at least the talking part) would overwhelm me, my mind would race, and then a friend of mine who is a priest suggested that I should just listen. That helped me immensely. Maybe even if a church near you doesn't leave it's doors unlocked, the priest may just let you sit inside for a while if you ask. Also, check out if any of the churches in your area have Adoration. Sitting in front of the Lord in the form of the Host has been a tremendous balm for my nerves.

Of course, I am not trying to "push church" on you, I am just sharing what has worked for me.

I hope you feel better soon.

reyarturo

I'm sorry that I have to be blunt and direct in regard to what you express; it's just that I sense a strong element of passivity and self-pity in your words. Addictions, as many other psychological pathologies demand that you actively partake in your healing process, i.e., lasting solutions will not just fall into your lap. I don't know if it's just me, but your observations seem rather immature at times (and you contradict yourself in more than one instance). I am sorry if you are offended, it's simply my opinion.

best

Blind faith opens the door but once your cross over the threshold, you see the light all around you.

Don't seek answers from people. Being cynical will just get in your way.
Try what I did... Go direct. Read the bible for youself and put some prayer into it. God, show me what You want me to learn from Your words.
Let God be the one you get the answers from.

I have been in the same mindset as you in my past but I am now living in a space of peace and serenity.
Spiritually growing, mentally growing, physically... well I get what I get but being sober has given me some growth there as well as stopping more damage from coming.

It is said... we get not because we ask not.
Ask God to show you the truth and seek the answers through reading His words..the bible.
I am sure you will find answers by going direct.

Your newborn son... A gift from God. A true miracle. Just think on that mystery of how life forms and is born. You just may see God through your son's eyes.

barb dwyer

I don't know if you're female -
but if you are - I"m thinking post partum depression?

If you're not -

Get busy.
Make something for someone else.
Grow up.

That's the way out of self pity.

Want to see God work?
Go help another alcoholic.

Pretty easy, really.

collinsmi

I've heard it said in meetings, "my brain thinks it can kill me and keep going". If I don't work a program I have thoughts like you've described. Lots and lots of thinking and feeling like that.

softerlouder

I appreciate all your responses. I have read them all with an open mind. I agree with many of the posts and have the learned quite a bit in the process. I also strongly disagree with many of you, but I still see some truth in even what I disagree with.

I am a new father. Life is about growing. We never stop. I think its fair as a new father to be somewhat confused and lost as I learn my way around being a new parent. I have been a great father, but internally I feel like a mess. I keep it well hidden which is part of what contributes to my stress, I bottle things up too much.

I have a lot of work to do. But its not for nothing. I am one of the hardest workers you will ever meet. But, its very possible that I work on the wrong things and maybe expect to much. In fact I do expect too much, from myself, from everyone around me, from god. Its just the way I am. I am a painter, a musician, a poet, and I work in the music industry and I work in a very competitive corporate world. My successes are also a result of the very thing that creates my failures and strife. My soul has always been a double edged sword, but I am growing to accept this.

The medical community has let me down and this lead me into a bigger mess. I could elaborate, but lets just say their treatment led to more problems than I started with. Its obvious that we need many reforms in this country(usa). Simple health complaints such as stomach distress can easily become an overly medicated and overly complicated matter. For me Numerous doctors and numerous treatments became a growing issue that I just couldn't cope with.

This is where alcohol entered my life. Its not so important why I drank, or the fact that I drank very little even if it was daily. To me what is important is that I put an end to the daily potential to have an addiction that I would not be able to control. I am 100% confident that I did not put myself into alcoholism but I am also 100% confident that I would have ended up there sooner rather than later. The goal now is to learn from that, to learn new coping techniques, to work hard on other areas of my life and to just find a new release for my struggles.

Lables and titles don't matter to me, its more about responding to issues. I absolutely contradict myself, we all do. Thats the point isn't it. I mean didn't this post point to an internal struggle within myself? The struggle wouldn't exist if I had found harmony.

Again, I appreciate all the responses and I feel I can put to rest a lot of learned patterns and view things from anew. Thats the goal. To put attention on different things and work in different ways.

The main thing is maybe I need to just let go a little and lower my overly high expectations that I have on everything. I have had some very traumatic experiances in my life, these experiances have dogged me for so long. I think I didn't productively learn from lifes lessons, instead I became overly cynical because of them. I need to find ways to find peace in things that upset me. To learn, to forgive, to let go.

I think maybe I need to try and just listen to god and have some compassion and patience as it may take time, but maybe I keep trying to do all the talking when I need to just listen.

My son is a miracle and I accept that everyday and need to not lose sight of that. Everyday my son is an affirmation. I think its very true that I may have just not been listening but god has been there, I was just too stubborn and busy trying to make it "my" thing, "my" way. Thats an important lesson.

Thank you

Signal30

You may not relize this but you can beleive in your own version of God. And doing this doesnt make God mad at you.

If I had to beleive in the God the catholic faith I was forced to go to when I was young I would be an athiest.

I beleive in the God of my understanding, and this God is restoring me to sanity. Because of these results I know my Higher Power is VERY real!!!


Tom

Sugah

I'm sure this will not come across as anything but a smart-assed reply, but I assure you, I do not mean for it to. Without writing a book, I just don't know how to say it any other way.

You are an artist. I am an artist. I've met many, many other artists with addiction problems. Most of them find that they're actually thinking problems. Because creativity & originality are so important to who we are, we have a built-in skepticism that anything anyone else shares can't be a direct parallel to our experience.

In other words, we suffer from terminal uniqueness. The changes that others suggest seem like cookie-cutter solutions to us, so we reject them. We think that if we identify with others so seemingly different from us, we lose some part of who we are, when, in fact, it's only who we think we are. We fear identifying with others, lest we must admit that we are not as unique as we think. It takes a lot of us a long time to realize that we can, indeed, share something of ourselves with others without having to give up our individuality.

For the record, when I began letting go of this terminal uniqueness, my art greatly improved, perhaps because others were then able to identify it.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Tazman53

What are you looking for from God?

When the world revolved around me I felt no connection with God because all I expected from God was what I wanted for me! You see I was in charge, I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it and how I wanted to do it! I was not seeking God, I was not seeking his will, I was seeking what God could do for me and not what I could do for God!

I have found that when I seek out God's will for me and not my will for God, things started to happen. When I started to do things that God wanted me to do for others, I suddenly found that God had been taking care of me all along.

I sat down and made a list of all the things I had in my life and realized that God was providing me with everything I needed, not everything I wanted. When I made an honest list of everything I wanted I became aware that I really had everything I needed and I needed to be thankful for what I had.

Sit down and make a list of what you have, make sure you include your son, his mother, your life, food on your table, your job, your home. Then hop in your car and take a ride down through the bad section of town, you will find people with far less then you, some of them will be happy with what they have. The ones who are happy with what they have are those who have God in thier lifes!!!

I have found true joy and richs in giving away what I have! No, not material things, I give away spiritual things, I help those in need to find sobriety, self respect, and love.

God does not make finding him difficult for those who seek to do his will. Ask God not what he will do for you, ask him what He would like you to do for him then do it! If you seek God you will find him by doing his will.

Doing my will led me away from God and to myself, doing God's will let me find God.

Think about it....... if someone keeps doing what ever they want to, does that draw you near them? If someone is doing what you wish them to do, does that not draw you nearer to them? If you are not seeking out and doing God's will you will not draw closer to him because you are pushing him away.