Please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 31
Please help
Hi everyone,
I am a 20 year old alcoholic who stopped drinking at the end of 2007 after 3 years of alcohol abuse. So far this year I have been working on my issues and discussing my problem with my girlfriend, who I've only just realise how much was affected by my drinking last year (we are a very strong couple and she loves how much better things are now).
The problem is right now I am having serious guilt and fear at night about my drinking. I get to crying because I won't get to see my girlfriend for another couple of months, and it's almost like a catalyst: I start remembering times when I was drunk and I become almost hysterical and the guilt makes tears pour down my face and makes me feel like a lost little boy. For example I think of stuff like waking up in the morning and taking my coat to the drycleaner, covered in mud and pollen stains from where I had presumably been lying in ditches on the way home. I think of staggering around town vomitting, taking taxis home that I never remember being in. I think of vomitting in my bed and shivvering all night under a thin blanket in winter after changing the sheets. Wandering around feeling sick and tired all the time. Losing stuff. The people who saw me in atrocious states of drunkenness. Checking my phone in the morning to see what inappropriate text messages I sent.
Drinking has been the furthest thing from my mind most of the year. I had always thought that the only thing that could save me from myself was love, and when I found out at the end of last year that my girlfriend really loved me, it was like a spiritual awakening that repelled the desire for alcohol away from me.
All this is great - I am much better physically and mentally and am working on stuff and slowly getting to grips with a lot of things. But does anyone else have experience like these guilty memories and almost flashback type experiences after 2 and a half months off the alcohol? The thing I want to do right now is totally and unreservedly apologise to my girlfriend for any distress or emotional harm I caused her while drinking, and to officially ask for her forgiveness.
Are these feelings a type of landmark in life without alcohol? Another part of the long journey? Please share any similar experiences and what happened afterwards.
Thanks guys - I feel much better for having written this.
blue_Icecream
I am a 20 year old alcoholic who stopped drinking at the end of 2007 after 3 years of alcohol abuse. So far this year I have been working on my issues and discussing my problem with my girlfriend, who I've only just realise how much was affected by my drinking last year (we are a very strong couple and she loves how much better things are now).
The problem is right now I am having serious guilt and fear at night about my drinking. I get to crying because I won't get to see my girlfriend for another couple of months, and it's almost like a catalyst: I start remembering times when I was drunk and I become almost hysterical and the guilt makes tears pour down my face and makes me feel like a lost little boy. For example I think of stuff like waking up in the morning and taking my coat to the drycleaner, covered in mud and pollen stains from where I had presumably been lying in ditches on the way home. I think of staggering around town vomitting, taking taxis home that I never remember being in. I think of vomitting in my bed and shivvering all night under a thin blanket in winter after changing the sheets. Wandering around feeling sick and tired all the time. Losing stuff. The people who saw me in atrocious states of drunkenness. Checking my phone in the morning to see what inappropriate text messages I sent.
Drinking has been the furthest thing from my mind most of the year. I had always thought that the only thing that could save me from myself was love, and when I found out at the end of last year that my girlfriend really loved me, it was like a spiritual awakening that repelled the desire for alcohol away from me.
All this is great - I am much better physically and mentally and am working on stuff and slowly getting to grips with a lot of things. But does anyone else have experience like these guilty memories and almost flashback type experiences after 2 and a half months off the alcohol? The thing I want to do right now is totally and unreservedly apologise to my girlfriend for any distress or emotional harm I caused her while drinking, and to officially ask for her forgiveness.
Are these feelings a type of landmark in life without alcohol? Another part of the long journey? Please share any similar experiences and what happened afterwards.
Thanks guys - I feel much better for having written this.
blue_Icecream
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Do you know what harm you caused you girlfriend? Was it alcohol's fault, or was it your fault.
I cleaned up the wreckage of my past, then again - I got sober using a 'method' that I witnessed working in others and took the solution they offered - everything else fell into place.
I cleaned up the wreckage of my past, then again - I got sober using a 'method' that I witnessed working in others and took the solution they offered - everything else fell into place.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
Yes, I definitely did.
I was plagued with feelings of guilt and shame for a very long time.
Finally, someone here told me I should journal. I resisted for the longest time because I didn't want to see the thoughts written down in black and white. But, finally I began. Everytime I had a thought like you're describing, I grabbed my journal and wrote all of it down. And, amazingly, it released it. I kept this up for a long time - probably about 9 months of writing. And, then finally I felt it was at an end. And, I burned the journal.
The thoughts are just thoughts. They don't control you and they are not you.
I was plagued with feelings of guilt and shame for a very long time.
Finally, someone here told me I should journal. I resisted for the longest time because I didn't want to see the thoughts written down in black and white. But, finally I began. Everytime I had a thought like you're describing, I grabbed my journal and wrote all of it down. And, amazingly, it released it. I kept this up for a long time - probably about 9 months of writing. And, then finally I felt it was at an end. And, I burned the journal.
The thoughts are just thoughts. They don't control you and they are not you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 558
I'm not very good at giving advice on things like this but since you're still on line I'll give it a go!
For me, I've found that being a member of AA and working the steps helps with these 'flashback' type of memories. The more you share and the more you hear from others, the better it gets. Steps 4 and 5 in particular deal with this. I find that for myself, it is a slow process - some long forgotten thing will come up (and at 52 I have a lot of long forgotten things to pop up! If I'm feeling a bit down I have to make quite an effort to let it go. It gets easier.
Non alcoholics get these flashbacks aswell. I know this because sometimes my husband will suddenly put his head in his hands and groan. I'll say 'whats the matter' and he'll say something like 'I've just remembered something stupid I did years ago.' My mother (whos 81) says the same, she says she cringes at some of the things she said and did when she was younger - and she isn't an alkie - so she wasn't even drunk.
But I'd say its very normal. Now that I'm just over 2months sober myself (again!) I feel quite lucky to be an alkie because I have a program that helps with this sort of thing. Being an alkie CAN actually be a blessing - no matter what you've done. And no matter what you've done before - someone else will have done it too. Really, icecream, they will have - you're not alone.
For me, I've found that being a member of AA and working the steps helps with these 'flashback' type of memories. The more you share and the more you hear from others, the better it gets. Steps 4 and 5 in particular deal with this. I find that for myself, it is a slow process - some long forgotten thing will come up (and at 52 I have a lot of long forgotten things to pop up! If I'm feeling a bit down I have to make quite an effort to let it go. It gets easier.
Non alcoholics get these flashbacks aswell. I know this because sometimes my husband will suddenly put his head in his hands and groan. I'll say 'whats the matter' and he'll say something like 'I've just remembered something stupid I did years ago.' My mother (whos 81) says the same, she says she cringes at some of the things she said and did when she was younger - and she isn't an alkie - so she wasn't even drunk.
But I'd say its very normal. Now that I'm just over 2months sober myself (again!) I feel quite lucky to be an alkie because I have a program that helps with this sort of thing. Being an alkie CAN actually be a blessing - no matter what you've done. And no matter what you've done before - someone else will have done it too. Really, icecream, they will have - you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 386
I am in agreement with Anna, I too was plagued with guilt and shame for quite a long time after I quit drinking. Someone told me I was lashing myself with my past, much like a martyr, so I started a journal.
I also stayed sober, which was the best way to make amends with those I hurt.
YOU Can DO This!
Good Luck
Seren
"I did then, what I knew how to do. And when I knew better, I did better"
Maya Angelou
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
I also stayed sober, which was the best way to make amends with those I hurt.
YOU Can DO This!
Good Luck
Seren
"I did then, what I knew how to do. And when I knew better, I did better"
Maya Angelou
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-programs.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 31
Isn't it funny how things like that happen? All this year I have been learning to take opportunities like that that come up - not that I'm an expert or anything, but I'm making progress, starting to recognise things that happen for a reason. And at the same time not worrying about things I can't control, or focussing so much on the future that I lose track of the present. I pray now about things that are out of my control, and try not to obsess over them. Progress, right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 31
I have tried to quit drinking before but it's never been like this. Before, when I quit drinking, I was basically always just wanting to drink again. This time is different though. I remember the day I decided to stop: christmas eve 2007. My girlfriend left the country and at that time we didn't know when we'd see eah other again. I got home, and thought of the bottle of whiskey in the cupboard, but decided not to drink it because this was an important stage of my development and I needed to start dealing with emotion, not numbing it. Then over the next few days I drank less and less, and finally tipped a beer down the sink that I didn't feel like drinking on New Year's Eve. Instead of drinking, I started to honestly believe that everything in my life would work out the way it was meant to. I can't honestly explain this: I think maybe I just found what I'd been looking for and no longer needed alcohol?
Anyway, thanks for listening
Anyway, thanks for listening
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