kindablue

I'm 35 and really have not accomplished much of anything in life.no house,no wife and kids,no degree,no real career to speak of.what really got me today is my sister who lives in another state and is taking care of my father totally roasted me this am on the phone.she has a husband and kids and going thru many financial problems,and on top of that taking care of my father who has alzhiemers.well she's at the end of her rope and would like me to live with him for a change and take care of him.Well i live with roomates and am just getting by and now she's telling me to get a place with him.after i told her i'm not in the position to do that she bascially went off on me about how that's my own fault.ofcourse she's right,i have squandered much of my existense.and man is the gravity of everything hitting me in the head with a hammer.i blame much of this on my alcohol and drug problems,it's kept me numb and unambitious.now it's really catching up to me..big time

Chy

Hey Blue!

For one your not a looser! You have many options that lay ahead of your as your work on staying sober, which in itself is an accomplishment. Don't let your sister guilt you into anything. For one you are n NO position to take care of your father until you yourself are well on the road to recovery. Right now you have to take care of yourself. Family member are good at twisting the ol guilt nerve one more notch.

Simply explain to your sister you are working on your sobriety which you know she would want for you and as soon as your able to take your turn and take care of Dad you will. Nothing more. You are trying, going to meetings and these are good things for you. Ihope your doing better and flicking that little demon off your sholder daily. You are getting stronger, I've seen it throughout the posts since I first "met" ya!

kindablue

thank you chy,i appreaciate your words.it just hard to hear that stuff from your family you know,that kind of stuff cuts to the core.

Peter

For a long time my family used guilt to try and manipulate me.

Of course I had only myself to blame for the situation I found myself in when I just stopped drinking but I also found out that I was not responsible for all the trouble in the world.

Litttle by little I am clearing away the wreckage of my past but the first responsibility I had was to start working on myself and getting the help I need.

Stop believing that tired old lie about yourself,you are not a loser.

Peter

MootPoint

You have not squandered your existence! You did what you had to do to survive. THese are coping skills, not good ones, but coping skills nonetheless. ANd now you are trying to replace these negative coping skills with positive ones... you are getting off drugs and booze! These are things she should be praising you for, and giving you time to heal.

And, you can't base one person's "successes" on another person's "successes". (listen to ME say that ). Your lives have been different all around.

She is plain and simply trying to manipulate you. It is your choice whether or not to accept the guilt she is putting on you.

Now.... read this real close...
YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!! You are a person who has major issues who is trying her best to combat them. You DO NOT need someone who is going to cut you down when you need a boost instead.

I know this is hard because of the situation your sister is in, but you have to remind yourself... you cannot help another until you have helped yourself.

Ninerfan

Hey Blue, you're telling my story. I felt the same way as you do now. And for the same reasons. I moved my parents to Northern Cal. and intended to move back to the Bay Area to continue the party. Drinking wasn't much fun then but I didn't know what else to do. Then my Dad had a stroke that left him almost completely helpless. I felt stuck, trapped. But I couldn't leave my Dad. My Mom couldn't andle him by herself and she didn't know how to get outside help. So I sort of took over, and I was still drinking at that time. My brother made the same suggestins that your sister did and I didn't like it one bit either. But he was right. This was one thing I could do. I dont mean to say that you should go and take care of your father just because I did. But taking care of my Dad actually helped me get and stay sober. Ten months before he passed I got sober. He became like my little boy, he needed me for everything and that was an awesome responsibility for this drunk. But the program, what little I had, got me through his death, and funeral, (I took care of the arrangements), and four years later the death of my Mother.

So what am I saying? I'm saying that your assesment of your situation is correct. You havent done much with your life and now your Father is dying and your sister needs help and you know that you should help but your a mess, right? I know how you feel. You feel like a loser because you have made terrible choices in your life. And you are probably beginning o think that this is the way it is going to be for the rest of your life. But.....You don't have to stay that way. You have more going for you than you think. I did.
Help your Sis and Dad if that is what you are meant to do. If you don't know what to do then maybe you have just been given a message. You can get sober and stay sober while helping someone else. It might even be easier to stay sober in some respects by helping others. That is after all the essence of he 12th step.

Best Wishes

ps....I was 43 when I finally started to get my s@#t together. Your not to old to have a wonderful life. ODAAT

BikerBill8

Hey Blue first thigs first you are not a loser you are on a new path in YOUR LIFE you need to learn to take care of yourself. Then you can help others.Tell your family that you can hardly get by for right now and don't beat yourself up over this.
Be Cool BikerBill8

Don W

Hi Kindablue, You are not a loser. I agree with the others. You are not able at this early stage
to take care of your father. Maybe once you feel strong enough you could offer to visit for a weekend and give the a little break. However, with
what you are up against at the begining I feel we have to be a little selfish short term in order to be a part of a long time solution. My sister is taking care of my mother and I have heard the guilt trip also. Maybe if you sit down and write her a letter and explain that you can't change the past but, you are working on changing the future.
What ever you decided to do don't give up on yourself. You have to be your best friend. Just remember that it is hard for people without the problem to understand. You've already taken the biggest step in admitting your problem. I know that if you hang in there things will get better.
Keep posting. Don W

Music

Hey blue,
MootPoint wrote this:
"She is plain and simply trying to manipulate you. It is your choice whether or not to accept the guilt she is putting on you."

I definately don't agree with this statement. I understand why it was said though. I don't like it when someone tells me the way it is.
Your sister has apparently been taking care of Dad for some time while you've been doing whatever it is you do. She's tired and wants/needs some help..relief. She's letting you know that you Dad is also your responsibility....big word there...RESPONSIBILITY!! Manipulate you....I don't think so! If you feel guilt, maybe it's because you know deep down that you could have done better so now it's up to you to do better.
I know it sounds like a monumental problem, but just start at the beginning, ask her how to go about helping and take it "One Step At A Time." I agree, you aren't a loser....yet! If you don't/won't help with your Dad by giving your sister some help, that opinion may change.

Tanis

I agree with what Music said.

Your sis sounds tired, worn out, and stressed.

It's not too late to make positive change in your life. Go for it!!

WadeTS

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. It can get better! I'm 35 also and I pretty much lost it all to alcohol. I gave up a wife and kid, and a career that I had dreamed of since I was a little boy when I chose to drink over making the right choices.
My point is that we can't turn back the clock and make the right choices that we blew the first time, but we can make the right choices now.
Iv'e been in and out of the program since 98', so I don't want to come across as someone who knows anything, but I can feel for you. I lost my father, grandfather and grandmother in the 90's, but I was always so drunk during that time that I didn't take the time out to be with them. I regret that now, but I still have a mother and a son, so I try to use that as a tool to remind me that once they're gone, I can't go back and be with them on my time... So take the time to be with them now.
Like I said, I don't want to come across as someone who knows anything, but this was my expierence. I hope it helps.
P.S. For the people I have hurt, I feel like a looser too, but we have to start over and do the next right thing sometime, right?

Wade

Peter

Originally posted by Wade

Sharing our own personal experiences with recovery will always be helpful to someone.Thank you for sharing.