Why am I drinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 32
Why am I drinking?
I have read everything there is to read and still I have no answers. This will be kind of long, sorry in advance. Let me start with my childhood, I am 28 now. At five I can remember getting in trouble with my girl cousin who was 7 at the time for playing dirty. My parents didnt make a big deal of it, but I remember being very aware of it being wrong and ashamed and embarrased. Fast forward to about 6 or 7 and I tried playing dirty with a 4 year old neighbor girl. She told her mom who told my parents, again no big deal. They talked to me and again I was so ashamed and embarrased. 8 years old rolls around and my big brother who is 15 or 16 at the time, molests me a couple of times (no sex, although I think he asked once). I never told anyone, and he did finally stop. I have a relationship with him now as adults, but we have never talked about it. 12 years old or so and I start having panic attacks every night. They are very severe when I think about dying. Those lasted for a couple of years. I never told my parents but my other brother used to help me through them because he had them too. When I was 15 I lost my virginity to a boy who was also 15 and I loved him. 3 months after dating he was diagnosed with Luekemia and died within the year (heartbreak 1). I broke up with him right before he died, and have always felt ashamed for being so selfish when he needed friends. I was 16 when he died, and one of my brothers friends who was 27 (I had a crush on him) had sex with me several times. I did want to have sex with him also. Then I guess he realized he could get in trouble and quit talking to me (heartbreak 2). I then became involved with drugs acid and x and smoking alot. I met who is now my husband of 10 years. Fast forward again to 25. My husband cheated on me (emotional affair) I do feel like I still have some obsession with it, but we really are doing good now. I have a six year old boy also (love love love) So here is the question. I have been drinking everyday at least 3 or 4 drinks a night and on weekends more. I do not black out or anything. This has been off and on for a couple of years. Every since my dads bypass surgery 3 months ago I have been drinking every night. I do feel that I get addicted very quickly to things. I do not do drugs anymore, its been years. I do smoke a pack a day for about 12 years. I also have a problem with sex it pretty much sucks. I separate sex from love. I always say things like "its my body and I dont want to right now, I am sorry if that bothers you" My husband is very giving and unselfish when it comes to sex. I cant explain to him whats wrong with me because I am not even sure. The thought of having sex with a faceless stranger appeals to me more than making love. I also feel a real lack of connection with all of my friends and family. I love them and they know this, but I cannot express my love to anyone except my son. I always use sarcasm and humor to express myself. I feel so many strong emotions that I cannot put them in words good or bad. I just feel stupid doing so. Like I am being over dramatic. Anyways, the moral of the story is I do not want my drinking to get any worse and I think I am using it to cover up all of this. When I drink, I feel relaxed, and more sincere, like I can express easier. Please any help or directions would be appriciated. God Bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 32
I am going to go home tonight and I do not have enough money to buy alchohol and I am out. This really bothers me, not as much as being out of ciggs, but getting close. I feel like I will be missing something. I do drink until I go to bed. If my husband is not home, I will usually drink until I have to go to bed. I have quit drinking when I was on a diet 7 or 8 months ago because of calories and several times over the last couple of years. But I have never said to myself that I am going to quit and then try. I dont want to quit, I feel a complulsion to drink. Even now, I am trying to find a way to buy alchohol for tonight. FYI it is usually almost a whole bottle of wine or 5 to 6 shots of crown or vodka. It might be more as I drink it mixed with sometimes. It is hard to know how much I drink sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 558
Hello jadopa. I tried for years trying to work out why I drank. Today I feel that the why is neither here nor there. The important fact is that I cannot control how much I drink, and whether it takes a few minutes after the first drink, hours or weeks, eventually my drinking will become out of control. I could work out why I started drinking too much - if there is a reason - I could get myself really sorted, but that is not going to change the fact that if I drink, I am putting my life in serious danger. Thats why I have stopped drinking one day at a time.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Right here somewhere
Posts: 509
What you have described is the alcoholic obsessive desire to fulfil the complusion to drink.
Your addicted.
I hope you come to a point where you will want to stop.....before the typical horrific consequences that come from alcoholism result. Keep coming here....and when you are ready, help is available to you.
With your history of abuse, Id say therapy is a MUST for you. Good luck and God bless you.
Your addicted.
I hope you come to a point where you will want to stop.....before the typical horrific consequences that come from alcoholism result. Keep coming here....and when you are ready, help is available to you.
With your history of abuse, Id say therapy is a MUST for you. Good luck and God bless you.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our SR Alcoholism Forum
I do think therapy would benefit you.
Please call a local abuse center for information.
Blessings to you and your family
I do think therapy would benefit you.
Please call a local abuse center for information.
Blessings to you and your family
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi Jadopa,
I think whenever someone is abused as a child in any way, it is carried with them for life. I was abused and I never dealt with those feelings, but swept them away. I thought I should just handle it. But, I think it made me feel so negatively about myself that I didn't care about myself. And, I treated myself badly. And, eventually I began to drink and I didn't care that I was poisoning my body. I had to reach bottom to realize that I was worth caring about and that I did deserve a good life.
Have you considered counselling? You might find that it helps and I think you know that alcohol is causing you problems in your life. There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
I think whenever someone is abused as a child in any way, it is carried with them for life. I was abused and I never dealt with those feelings, but swept them away. I thought I should just handle it. But, I think it made me feel so negatively about myself that I didn't care about myself. And, I treated myself badly. And, eventually I began to drink and I didn't care that I was poisoning my body. I had to reach bottom to realize that I was worth caring about and that I did deserve a good life.
Have you considered counselling? You might find that it helps and I think you know that alcohol is causing you problems in your life. There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
the moral of the story is I do not want my drinking to get any worse and I think I am using it to cover up all of this. When I drink, I feel relaxed, and more sincere, like I can express easier. Please any help or directions would be appriciated. God Bless.
You might consider checking out our mental health issues forum here at SR. There is a lot of support and information there as well. Here is a link.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-health-issues
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: some where / no where
Posts: 1,019
Welcome to SR, Jadopa
It might be a good idea to try to go without alcohol for a period of time, to gain some perspective. If you are an alcoholic, only you can diagnose it for youself. Some people take one of those self diagnostic quizes. From what you wrote, it sounds like alcohol is becoming a big issue in your life. The obsession starts innocently, and becomes worse over time. Alcoholism is progressive, and many of us wish we stopped earlier in our lives.
Taking a break from drinking is always a good idea when it becomes a concern. You sound like you need peace and closure with regards to things that happened in your past. Having a clear and sober mind is best when one wants to recover from emotional trauma. I think therapy is a very good idea, and I'll bet you'll get the most from it if you abstain from alcohol.
I can tell that you are a very caring and loving mother for your son. Getting help to deal with your problems is the right thing to do. I'm glad you found us, and that you're seeking some sort of help. For many of us, SR is the first place where we ever reach out for help. You don't deserve to carry burdens of guilt for the past. You don't deserve to let alcohol get in the way of your own personal recovery. I encourage you to be honest with a professional...and continue moving towards recovery. Coming here is a great place to start.
chip
It might be a good idea to try to go without alcohol for a period of time, to gain some perspective. If you are an alcoholic, only you can diagnose it for youself. Some people take one of those self diagnostic quizes. From what you wrote, it sounds like alcohol is becoming a big issue in your life. The obsession starts innocently, and becomes worse over time. Alcoholism is progressive, and many of us wish we stopped earlier in our lives.
Taking a break from drinking is always a good idea when it becomes a concern. You sound like you need peace and closure with regards to things that happened in your past. Having a clear and sober mind is best when one wants to recover from emotional trauma. I think therapy is a very good idea, and I'll bet you'll get the most from it if you abstain from alcohol.
I can tell that you are a very caring and loving mother for your son. Getting help to deal with your problems is the right thing to do. I'm glad you found us, and that you're seeking some sort of help. For many of us, SR is the first place where we ever reach out for help. You don't deserve to carry burdens of guilt for the past. You don't deserve to let alcohol get in the way of your own personal recovery. I encourage you to be honest with a professional...and continue moving towards recovery. Coming here is a great place to start.
chip
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
jadopa, Welcome to SR!
I had many issues stemming from my past. My self-esteem was in the toilet, I was depressed, and no matter how much alcohol I poured into my body it wasn't filling the void. I had panic attacks, resentments, and fears that controlled my life. Again, alcohol wasn't taking care of the problem. I have been a alcoholic all my life, but I didn't start drinking until later on. My alcohol consumption got worse, and then I became a daddy. I told myself that I was going to cut back on the beer, (I was a case a day beer drinker). The next thing you know he is born and my alcohol consumption is to a case and a few extra. Self control failed. My son was about 5 months when I finally broke down and confessed to my fiancee that I needed help. I looked at my son and thought to myself, "I do not want to be a crappy father like my father was." (I had a very old resentment against my father.)
After I surrendered to alcohol, my fiancee researched some phone numbers, and found an AA clubhouse down the street. I decided to check it out that day. I first walked in to this building, and into my first AA meeting. I was shocked when I saw how nice and helpful those people were. And it took no time at all to realize that I wasn't alone. Other people felt like me. That day the seed was planted.
There is a solution!!! When I first got sober, I was doing it for my son. It didn't take long to realize that I had to stay sober for myself. Sobriety must be your number one priority. It must come before all else.
When I first went into recovery, I thought it was just to get physically sober. Then I learned that I could also obtain emotional sobriety!!! AA is based on a foundation of alcoholics helping other alcoholics. The 12 steps are steps to achieve both physical and emotional sobriety. The 12 steps, and the program of action can help you with issues that have plagued you your entire life. The steps can help you recover from ALL your fears, resentments, low self-esteem, and even issues concerning sex.
It sounds too good to be true, it's not. I see living proof everyday, with fellow members of AA that show their results through action and example. AA is based on attraction rather than promotion. I just want to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
There are other programs out there. Just do your best to make sure you look into a program that helps you with both physical and emotional sobriety.
There's more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking. There are many people on this site including myself that are here to help. All you have to do is ask.
Tom
I had many issues stemming from my past. My self-esteem was in the toilet, I was depressed, and no matter how much alcohol I poured into my body it wasn't filling the void. I had panic attacks, resentments, and fears that controlled my life. Again, alcohol wasn't taking care of the problem. I have been a alcoholic all my life, but I didn't start drinking until later on. My alcohol consumption got worse, and then I became a daddy. I told myself that I was going to cut back on the beer, (I was a case a day beer drinker). The next thing you know he is born and my alcohol consumption is to a case and a few extra. Self control failed. My son was about 5 months when I finally broke down and confessed to my fiancee that I needed help. I looked at my son and thought to myself, "I do not want to be a crappy father like my father was." (I had a very old resentment against my father.)
After I surrendered to alcohol, my fiancee researched some phone numbers, and found an AA clubhouse down the street. I decided to check it out that day. I first walked in to this building, and into my first AA meeting. I was shocked when I saw how nice and helpful those people were. And it took no time at all to realize that I wasn't alone. Other people felt like me. That day the seed was planted.
There is a solution!!! When I first got sober, I was doing it for my son. It didn't take long to realize that I had to stay sober for myself. Sobriety must be your number one priority. It must come before all else.
When I first went into recovery, I thought it was just to get physically sober. Then I learned that I could also obtain emotional sobriety!!! AA is based on a foundation of alcoholics helping other alcoholics. The 12 steps are steps to achieve both physical and emotional sobriety. The 12 steps, and the program of action can help you with issues that have plagued you your entire life. The steps can help you recover from ALL your fears, resentments, low self-esteem, and even issues concerning sex.
It sounds too good to be true, it's not. I see living proof everyday, with fellow members of AA that show their results through action and example. AA is based on attraction rather than promotion. I just want to let you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!
There are other programs out there. Just do your best to make sure you look into a program that helps you with both physical and emotional sobriety.
There's more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking. There are many people on this site including myself that are here to help. All you have to do is ask.
Tom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 32
I really appreciate all of the posts. Last night I drank only a shot mixed. I did not even get a buzz. I did feel ok, but I went to bed earlier than usual so I wouldn’t keep thinking about drinking more. I have another question. Is it common to feel like you are over reacting about your drinking? I have not told anyone that I think I have a problem. My husband of course sees me drink every night. We do kind of joke around about it, but we cannot seriously discuss it. He has told my mom that I drink every night, and my reaction is embarrassment and denial. I usually change the subject. My mom tells me I need to quit it. Her dad was an alcoholic. But no one has shown any REAL concern. I don’t even know how I would react to that. I can guess, I would get defensive and try to avoid it. I have a problem taking anything that has happened to me seriously, I really do feel like there are bigger problems in the world, and to most people I seem very functional. I have a full time job that I am responsible with. I am a good mom to my son, I am very outgoing when I am happy ( I do tend to withdrawl when I am not). I just feel like I need to talk to someone, but I don't know how everyone would react to me doing that. Like I am being silly or something.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,697
Overreaction for me was more of justification to continue. I am not saying that is the case with you however.
I think if you give your potential problem it's due attention, you might be able to come to a conclusion of your own.
Be kind to yourself. It's okay to do that much.
I think if you give your potential problem it's due attention, you might be able to come to a conclusion of your own.
Be kind to yourself. It's okay to do that much.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Jadopa first things first, only you can determine if you are an alcoholic.
You may be one of those folks who is using the bottle to hide from what has happened to you in your past, you may be an alcoholic or you may not be, but there is one thing for sure, you need to get some help in learning how to deal with your past.
I am an alcoholic, I was never abused in any manner in my entire life except by myself and alcohol. In a nutshell I am an alcoholic with no excuse for my drinking except being an alcoholic.
I have done the 12 steps of AA, today I live my life to the best of my ability practising all the principles of the 12 steps. The only reason I drank the way I did was due to me being an alcoholic.
From the abuse you have been through there is one thing I would suggest for you and that is to see a therapist to help you deal with those issues.
Having said that I will follow with this, a therapist is a waste of time if you are an alcoholic or an abusive drinker (there is a difference) that is still drinking. The reason they are a waste of time while one is drinking to excess is that alcohol is a depressant, which will result in the therapist making little if any difference at all. Think about it, how can a therapist help a person with depression if they are consuming large quanities of liquid depressants?
If you find you can not stop drinking and stay stopped rather then beat your self up like I did for 10 years trying to stay stopped alone, find a support program and work it. For me it was AA, AA saved my life. The steps of AA are a God send in dealing with situational depression, but especially in cases like yours a therapist will be a trmendous help, not for the drinking, but for the other issues.
I mentioned there is a difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic, well here is the difference. a problem drinker can if they really need to stop drinking, they may have some withdrawals but in a fairly short amount of time the mental obsession to drink simply goes away and they can drink just like any one else.
An alcoholic on the other hand if they stop drinking will have a mental obsession for alcohol that without a program that knows how to deal with that mental obsession will make them think they are going to go nuts with out a drink.
An alcoholic also can never drink normally again. I know that even if I went 20 years without a drink, that if I had just one drink that the craving for another one would be right there as strong as it ever was.
The first thought that popped into my head when I was drinking when I had that first drink was the second drink and as I was drinkng the second one the third one popped into my head.........
You may be one of those folks who is using the bottle to hide from what has happened to you in your past, you may be an alcoholic or you may not be, but there is one thing for sure, you need to get some help in learning how to deal with your past.
I am an alcoholic, I was never abused in any manner in my entire life except by myself and alcohol. In a nutshell I am an alcoholic with no excuse for my drinking except being an alcoholic.
I have done the 12 steps of AA, today I live my life to the best of my ability practising all the principles of the 12 steps. The only reason I drank the way I did was due to me being an alcoholic.
From the abuse you have been through there is one thing I would suggest for you and that is to see a therapist to help you deal with those issues.
Having said that I will follow with this, a therapist is a waste of time if you are an alcoholic or an abusive drinker (there is a difference) that is still drinking. The reason they are a waste of time while one is drinking to excess is that alcohol is a depressant, which will result in the therapist making little if any difference at all. Think about it, how can a therapist help a person with depression if they are consuming large quanities of liquid depressants?
If you find you can not stop drinking and stay stopped rather then beat your self up like I did for 10 years trying to stay stopped alone, find a support program and work it. For me it was AA, AA saved my life. The steps of AA are a God send in dealing with situational depression, but especially in cases like yours a therapist will be a trmendous help, not for the drinking, but for the other issues.
I mentioned there is a difference between a problem drinker and a real alcoholic, well here is the difference. a problem drinker can if they really need to stop drinking, they may have some withdrawals but in a fairly short amount of time the mental obsession to drink simply goes away and they can drink just like any one else.
An alcoholic on the other hand if they stop drinking will have a mental obsession for alcohol that without a program that knows how to deal with that mental obsession will make them think they are going to go nuts with out a drink.
An alcoholic also can never drink normally again. I know that even if I went 20 years without a drink, that if I had just one drink that the craving for another one would be right there as strong as it ever was.
The first thought that popped into my head when I was drinking when I had that first drink was the second drink and as I was drinkng the second one the third one popped into my head.........
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Hi Jadopa,
Yes, I do believe it is common for us to start to believe we don't really have a problem. The issue here, is to recognize that this is the disease talking to you. It is feeling like it's losing its power and will try to manipulate your mind. Recognizing this and being able to ignore it, is a huge step in recovery.
If you feel you want to tell someone who you trust about your problem with alcohol, that could be very helpful. The bottom line is, this is about you thinking you have a problem and it doesn't matter what others believe.
Yes, I do believe it is common for us to start to believe we don't really have a problem. The issue here, is to recognize that this is the disease talking to you. It is feeling like it's losing its power and will try to manipulate your mind. Recognizing this and being able to ignore it, is a huge step in recovery.
If you feel you want to tell someone who you trust about your problem with alcohol, that could be very helpful. The bottom line is, this is about you thinking you have a problem and it doesn't matter what others believe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 32
[QUOTE=Tazman53;1634418]Jadopa first things first, only you can determine if you are an alcoholic.
Having said that I will follow with this, a therapist is a waste of time if you are an alcoholic or an abusive drinker (there is a difference) that is still drinking. The reason they are a waste of time while one is drinking to excess is that alcohol is a depressant, which will result in the therapist making little if any difference at all. Think about it, how can a therapist help a person with depression if they are consuming large quanities of liquid depressants?
You know, I think that makes since. Let me tell you a story. 3 months ago I was standing in CICU and my father was intubated but awake. I was so relieved that he was still alive after a triple bypass. I did something very unusual, I walk up and held his hand. Then out of my mouth fell the words I Love You and I starting crying. I was so overwelhming. I do not show emotion like that EVER. I went home that night and drank until I fell into bed. That, I think is what I am trying to get from the alcohol. The more I drink though the more emotional I get about everything. The more emotional I get the more I drink. This is really helping me, when I think about it like this. I will let you know how I do this weekend. thanks
Having said that I will follow with this, a therapist is a waste of time if you are an alcoholic or an abusive drinker (there is a difference) that is still drinking. The reason they are a waste of time while one is drinking to excess is that alcohol is a depressant, which will result in the therapist making little if any difference at all. Think about it, how can a therapist help a person with depression if they are consuming large quanities of liquid depressants?
You know, I think that makes since. Let me tell you a story. 3 months ago I was standing in CICU and my father was intubated but awake. I was so relieved that he was still alive after a triple bypass. I did something very unusual, I walk up and held his hand. Then out of my mouth fell the words I Love You and I starting crying. I was so overwelhming. I do not show emotion like that EVER. I went home that night and drank until I fell into bed. That, I think is what I am trying to get from the alcohol. The more I drink though the more emotional I get about everything. The more emotional I get the more I drink. This is really helping me, when I think about it like this. I will let you know how I do this weekend. thanks
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 32
What I am experiencing right now is very common for me. After my last post and I released those feelings, I am feeling like a dumb-ass. Apathetic even, like none of this is really a problem why am I being so dramatic. Then, if I was at home or anywhere else but work, I would go and have a drink. This is my cycle, a build up, a release, then regret or apathy, then a drink. Just a little more insight, that I usually keep to myself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,002
Who did you release those feelings to? Release those negative feelings to your higher power. When releasing those feelings to us, in return you get our experience, strength, and hope. You have nothing to be sorry for.
Tom
Tom
Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
I have a long history of sexual and physical abuse, and I was in and out of therapy for about ten years as an adult. It didn't help then because, like Taz said, I was still drinking. When I later got sober through AA and started working the steps, much of what I learned in therapy came back to me.
First, I had to have a desire to live sober. Then, I had to find a sponsor, and for me, it had to be a sponsor who understood that I wanted to recover from all my negative feelings of the past, not pick up new ones.
The desire comes first. I've heard people find that desire through losing everything, and I've heard people who hadn't lost a thing say they just became sick and tired of feeling (or not feeling) the way they did. If you believe yourself to be alcoholic and you're drinking every day, there's one near-certainty -- your drinking will progress, and those around you won't keep pretending it's no big deal, because it will become a big deal. An alcoholic continuing to drink is a train wreck waiting to happen. When not if.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
First, I had to have a desire to live sober. Then, I had to find a sponsor, and for me, it had to be a sponsor who understood that I wanted to recover from all my negative feelings of the past, not pick up new ones.
The desire comes first. I've heard people find that desire through losing everything, and I've heard people who hadn't lost a thing say they just became sick and tired of feeling (or not feeling) the way they did. If you believe yourself to be alcoholic and you're drinking every day, there's one near-certainty -- your drinking will progress, and those around you won't keep pretending it's no big deal, because it will become a big deal. An alcoholic continuing to drink is a train wreck waiting to happen. When not if.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Houston TX
Posts: 32
sugah
I feel like thats what I have to do. Separate the two issues a little. The fact of the matter is that I have these past issues, and wether or not that is why I drink is not really the point. If I continue to drink this way it will progress. I know it will because it already has. But I really do not feel strong enough to quit. That really feels a little scary to me. I know might sound odd, but I get a high from bad things happening to me. When everything has calmed down I feel numb again. Kind of like, if I am an alcoholic, then there is something wrong with me. If I am not, then what exactly is wrong with me.
signal30 thanks for your post, I dont know if this is something that might be of use to you. I like to tell everyone with children this advise I read. I let my son know everyday that he makes his mom and dad happy, but he is not responsible for our happiness. He knows from this, because he told me, that he is responsible for his own happiness, and mommy for hers, and daddy for his, but we share our happiness with each other. Kids are so awsome, so much joy they give.
I feel like thats what I have to do. Separate the two issues a little. The fact of the matter is that I have these past issues, and wether or not that is why I drink is not really the point. If I continue to drink this way it will progress. I know it will because it already has. But I really do not feel strong enough to quit. That really feels a little scary to me. I know might sound odd, but I get a high from bad things happening to me. When everything has calmed down I feel numb again. Kind of like, if I am an alcoholic, then there is something wrong with me. If I am not, then what exactly is wrong with me.
signal30 thanks for your post, I dont know if this is something that might be of use to you. I like to tell everyone with children this advise I read. I let my son know everyday that he makes his mom and dad happy, but he is not responsible for our happiness. He knows from this, because he told me, that he is responsible for his own happiness, and mommy for hers, and daddy for his, but we share our happiness with each other. Kids are so awsome, so much joy they give.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
