Paulos

I just realized *this may sound outdated and a little late* but there were times I drank/smoked to escape my own inadequacies of life and just escape... to think I was a better person, and the buzz was what I was after of course.

Now for the past 9 days being sober, I know I'm not recovered, I still have the brain fog, major OCDing about my life and such... thinking I have to be able to do everything the right way or there will be a major consequence for me... example I'm electronically and mechanically impaired, I flip out whenever something doesn't work out such as plugging something in wrong, and ... jeez too embarrassing to go on.

Paulos

Also I begun thinking about my own brain/ocds... perhaps an alcoholic has an abused brain that some people suffer more side effects while going off it than others... but the brain is like an abused pet/person... scared, shocked, and afraid of the next drink that may occur at any moment... just an interesting concept.

Jfanagle

Making a decision to live differently is only "....outdated and a little late" if you don't change and if you return to old behavior. By the way, it isn't "old behavior" if you are still doing it! The past is just that, past if we learn from the past and don't repeat it then we are wiser for our experience.

I know that for a long time I wanted to make recovery more mystical and difficult than it really is. By thinking this way I "excused" myself from correcting my behavior and in doing so condemed myself to the same old same old.

There are plenty of folks on this site who have changed their lives and now live a much improved existence based on those changes. I would suggest that you pick a few of these people and ask them what they did to "live a better life."

Again, just my opinion, but there does seem to be a constant behavior pattern in these people. We all have used and still use that adage, "don't try and reinvent the wheel." If you want what others have then do what they did.

Congratulations on 9 days, those are 9 very difficult days and they can be the start of a very good and satisfying life if that is what you are looking for.

Good luck,

Jon

Paulos

Uh-huh. Thanks. :coff:

gypsytears

I don't think it's too late for a little self- introspect. Congrats on the 9 days Paulos.

Signal30

Drinking was only a symptom of my disease of alcoholism. I was depressed, had a low self-esteem, and was always seeing the negative in the world. I was always hoping for change, yet I was doing absolutely nothing about it. I had a classic FTW attitude. It came to a point where I had to do something different. Since everyone and everything in the world wasn't changing, I finally had to come to the conclusion that I had to change. Now if someone or something makes me angry, I have to look at the situation as to why I let it or them make me angry. No one can make you angry, upset, or depressed. Only you can give it or them, your happiness or good mood. If I want anything in my life to change, I must be the one who changes first. For me, I have to surrender all of my shortcomings, worries, resentments, and fears to my higher power.

I spent most of my life in the victim role. I also spent most of it thinking that only I can handle everything in my life by myself. This attitude made me drink, made me resent others and myself because I could never figure out what I was doing wrong. I spent more time waiting for my turn to speak rather then actually listening to what others were trying to say to me. This also was the case when observing or not observing others actions towards me.

It took a major personal inventory on myself, and made me have to do something that I never had done or actually wanted to do before. I actually had to give all of negitive feelings, resentments, etc. to my higher power. And wouldn't you know it, it's actually working. However, it can stop working at any time, and can be very easy to slip into my old bad habits, if I don't constantly work at it on a daily basis. At first that sounds exhausting, but then I have to remember that I only have to be concerned about today. When I look at it that way, hope is definitely obtainable.


Tom

Paulos

Victim role... I see... I basically just drank to pump me up and forget about my weaknesses.

Signal30

Paulos there were days, actually mornings where I would actually call a suicide hot line just to talk to somebody. I was using alcohol to try to drown out the depression and the anger. I had the typical attitude of..."If you had my problems, you would drink too." I would say things like, "My horrible ex-wife caused me to be like this when she abandoned me." "My father made me this way because I'm not good enough for him to call me." "I must suck, or everyone else sucks."

That was me in the victim role.

Tom

Paulos

Well I've never been that bad, never suicidal or needed a beer/drink in the morning EVER, just I feel like a bum.

ladybug81

You should stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone has their own issues they deal with. Sometimes when I think money could solve all my problems right now, I realize people with all the money in the world have problems too. Your problem just happens to be alcohol. Take it one day at a time. I like to make little goals for my life like "OK, what can I do today?" and not think about trying to accomplish everything at once. Congrats on 9 days. Hang in there!

Miss Pink

Tom (if thats your real name),

Are you my ex husband posting here? Id swear you are cus thats exactly what he says about me.....show me some ID, will ya? LOL

Signal30

Paulos, "Feeling like a bum" sounds to me like another term for a low self-esteem. You can be honest with yourself and ask why you feel like this. When I looked at my bad self-esteem I did my personal moral inventory. Only then did I see how far down the rabbit hole went. I found the source(s). I also learned that how others see myself, and howI see myself were almost always different. Dr Paul O said in the BB in Acceptance Is The Answer, "I was judging myself by my intentions, while others were judging me by my actions." How true that was for me. My intentions and my actions were always different.

I don't know one alcoholic/addict that doesent or didn't have a horrible self esteem. I also don't know one alcoholic or addict whose self-esteem didn't improve when they finally decided to DO something about it. The ones I know learned it through steps 3 through 5 in AA. Whichever program of recovery you decide to do, do your best to DO, not try.

Like Yoda said to Luke to get his X-Wing out of the swamp in The Empire Strikes Back...

"Do not try, do. Or do not. THERE IS NO TRY!

In a program of recovery that is true. Half measures avail nothing.


Tom

curliQ

Paulos, I think I get where you're coming from. If you find my original post I said something to the tune of I'm a nicer person when I'm drinking. At that time I really was. After my two weeks sober what I found out was that my emotions were much more stable and I didn't want to throttle someone all the time like I did when I was drinking. Just hang in there and see where it takes you.

Have you seen a psychiatrist about your other problems? OCD and instant rage? These can be signs of other problems.

chip

Paulos,
Congrats on 9 days!!!!
chip

Tazman53

Congrats on the 9 days Paulos, what are you doing different to stay sober this time?

You know if I want what someone else has I do what they do.

If I wanted to be a doctor I would go to medical school because that is what every doctor I know did to become a doctor.

If I wanted to be an account I would do like accountants do and go to accounting school.

If I wanted to be a policeman I would go to the police academy like most policement have done.

If I wanted to be in the military I would go through basic training because that is what all people in the military have done.

If I wanted to get and stay sober, which I did, I did what other alcoholics who have stayed sober do because my way did not work, I tried for 10 years and until I got into a program and started doing the things other sober alcoholics did I could not stay sober.

Paulos smart people follow paths of success when thier own way fails, I tried my way and failed to stay sober for 10 years, I finally got smart, I found alcoholics who knew how to stay sober and I followed thier path of success and it worked!!!

I have found myself far happier being sober by following the examples of other sober alcoholics, I was so miserable doing it my way over and over again and failing every time.

Why are you making it so hard on your self?

Talk to some of the people here who have been sober for a while and are happy being sober, ask them how they stay sober and then do like they do.

Why beat your head against the wall when there is an open door that other people are walking through? Follow the people going through the door to long term happy sobriety instead of chasing your own tail and finding misery every time.

Signal30

The amazing aspect of recovery through alcoholics working through and with alcoholics are, that when you are following those who are achieving by example, others begin to follow by your example. Serenity, happiness, physical and emotional sobriety can be infectious. Alcoholism/addiction may not be a contagious disease, but true recovery can be contagious solution.

Wow it took me awhile to think that one up...lol. But I believe it.


Tom

Miss Pink

Actually, alcoholism is a contagious disease.Just ask any insane family member who has ever loved one.

We become just as sick, selfish and insane as they. Thats why its a family disease. THe only part of it I didnt catch was the allergy, compulsion to drink.

Its the disease that knows no end....but can be arrested (like the criminal that it is).

Tazman53

Well said Tom and very true.

Signal30

Thanks Tazman. I have to be careful and remember humility. I almost started to stroke my own ego on that one. lol

I'm only doing my best to help carry the message. When I get excited about something, I'm in it a 110%. I just need to maintain the action and make it habit. I'm not a fan of pink clouds they hurt too much when you fall from them. I want to instead look for the silver lining in the darkest clouds. Not to mention keeping my feet on the ground when doing it. I want what I write on here to have a proactive purpose of helping others. I do not what to post just to see what others think of what Im writing.


Tom

jimhere

remorse is not low self-esteem. it is natural to feel bad when I wake up to the damage I caused. a typical alcoholic reaction is "I've got to feel better" and that is what most are after.

as has been said, kicking your own behind isn't the answer.