caraway

Someone once said to me that you quit drinking when the will to live becomes greater than your will to drink.

LauraSFO1

Tellus- YES I know exactly what you mean. And that's why this time feels so different for me. For whatever reason, this time I want to quit. I truly want alcohol out of my life. Before when I tried to quit it was more because I knew I should, but I didn't truly want to deep down. I just reached a point where it was something I honestly wanted. I'm on day 20 and have never felt so good. I hope the best things for you, too!!

Miss Pink

I thought all alcoholics prayed???

"Please, God, if you get me thru this hangover, hand cuffs, financial nightmare.....I will never drink again!".

thats praying....right?

Pinkcuda

I have to tell you that I had no desire to quit either. I had no desire whatsoever. I loved my alcohol and I couldn't possibly imagine life without it. It had been a good friend to me every day for the better part of 25 years. Drunk every day for 25 years and only missed one day by accident. There were the days here and there when I was in jail or detox where I couldn't drink or the Court ordered Antabuse episodes where I couldn't drink. Other than that it was every day. First stop out of detox or jail was usually 7/11 or a liquor store. I didn't get to bars too often because I was disgusted with the general public and didn't want to deal with them. Either way it was me and my alcohol, till death do us part.
Then it happened!!!! A sudden turn of events in my life and it was instantly over. I had to quit. There was no two ways about it. I was done. I had the better part of a 12 pack and a fifth of Bourbon in the house and most of a bottle of Schnapps in the freezer to freshen my breath when I needed it. I never touched it again. My friends finally drank it all and when it was gone it was gone. Never to return. I didn't even get in one last drunk before it was over.
Knowing that, I would venture to say that there are quite a bunch of us here that quit because we had to. We didn't want to but had to.
If you want to drink, go ahead and drink. We can't tell you anything. There's nothing we can say to stop you. Someday you may quit. Maybe because you want to, maybe because you have to. You may never quit. It's all on you.

Dee74

or the non-misanthropic version....

you obviously want to quit Tellus, but you're scared - no-one likes to admit they're different, no-one likes to admit defeat, no-one likes to have change forced upon them.

But you are amongst friends here, and friends who understand. It'll be cool.
Go for it.

D

tellus

Thanks again to everyone for the responses.

I bit the bullet and talked to my boss today about taking a two-week leave (3-day hospitalized detox, followed by a 7-day inpatient program, give or take). I'm going to talk to my shrink sometime later this week, and hopefully I'll get something scheduled for mid-January. My parents have agreed to let me stay with them for a while after the inpatient thing, so I won't have to be in my oppressive apartment til I've got a couple weeks under my belt.

Pinkcuda

Don't roll your eyes at me.
I'm just being a realist. If someone wants to quit, they're going to quit. Regardless of what I say. If they want to drink, they're going to drink. Regardless of what I say.
If for some reason I sit here thinking that if I try enough times, eventually some golden words are going to roll off my fingertips and change someones thoughts, beliefs, fears, or desires, I have a seriously overinflated preception of my abilities. Either that or I have underestimated the power of Alcohol. Both are recipies for disaster.
If Tellus decides to quit, I will give my full support and pass on anything I can. If tellus decides to continue drinking I can fully understand. When someone is on the fence, I cannot push, or pull in either direction since I'm only human. I can only pass on to someone the experience I have.
It's like yelling at the TV when the receiver is running for a touchdown. We may be cheering him on, but we can't change the outcome regardless of how loud we cheer.

1963comet

I have been there myself. It was hard my first year. I found myself wanting to drink again after all that I went through. I prayed for the "Want To".

It Worked:bounce

barb dwyer

tellus - woo HOO!!!!

that's wonderful to read.

The only thing we truly need to fear -
is being UNable to change.

don't forget the playdough! uh.. sculpey!

stone

Thats great news Tellus!

Tazman53

Tellus you are off to a good start, my experience has been that the biggest key to getting and to staying sober is brutal HONESTY!

By you talking to your boss about your problem, you have started on that road to brutal HONESTY, first and most important you are being brutally HONEST with yourself, and second you are being brutally HONEST with others!

It is very important that you remain brutally HONEST. The next key is willingness....... willingness to do what ever it takes to get and stay sober, this will involve doing things that you may not want to do, but trust me when I say, once done you will enjoy a new freedom and a new happiness like you have not known!

CarolD

When I am under a doctors care,
I follow his advice.

When I want to find peace...I pray

When I wanted to quit drinking...I started AA.

Using all 3 keeps me enjoying life.


Wishing the best for you too Tellus!

collinsmi

Makes perfect sense to me. Never completely left in my case. I don't have trouble turning down a drink today. A drink never seems like an attractive option for more than a few seconds. What DOES happen though, is this idea that "why go to that meeting, you've got important things to do"; or "you can skip the 11th step today" or a bunch of different disguises. What these thoughts all have in common is "I don't have to do what I've learned I need to do to stay sober". It's not a show stopper, so long as I don't act on those thoughts.

That phrase brings back a memory! In my first year, my sponsor suggested I become a coffeemaker for this one meeting, and so I did. Not a lot of long term sobriety at it, people tended to drift in and out. "You bring the message to where the disease is", said my sponsor. "I don't want those people's sickness rubbing off on me" said his sponsor!

At any rate, people often tended to drone on about their problems and not discuss solutions (I still learned a lot at this meeting though). What you reminded me of was one such instance. Towards the close of the meeting one guy started to talk about his broken life. Normally in these situations I'd tune out after the first minute or two, but this guy shared with tremendous passion. Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he spoke! By the time he was done I was close to tears myself.

As we cleaned the coffee pots and cups, I remarked to my sponsor "that guy seems like he's ready". My sponsor disagreed - "he only wants to want it". At the time, this seemed like a very cold, judgmental remark. Later though, I saw what my sponsor meant. At the end of the meeting, the guy was surrounded by people offering phone numbers and sponsorship. He turned them all down and left as quickly as he could. We never saw the guy again.

So, again, I guess the difference between wanting to and wanting to want to is another one of my sponsors favorite phrases, "what are you doing about the step you're on today?"

Dee_Sober4today

tellus,
I know you want this.
A gentleman commented in a meeting last night that you have to go to AA because you WANT it, not because you NEED it. I can so relate to that comment.
I told you in a PM that I wish I'd stopped drinking when I was 25. I knew I was an alcoholic..thing is I didn't WANT it bad enough.
You're a strong girl...get sober and you can accomplish all your goals and by the time you're my age, you may have something under your belt that I don't have..15 years sober!!
Let us know how you're doing.

Dee

tellus

I'll keep posting here instead of spamming up the forum with questions.

I guess, technically, today is a "day one." Completely by accident. I'd agreed to spend Christmas Eve night at my parents' house, and realized only on the drive over there that that meant a cold-turkey night. Besides worrying about dangerous WDs, I wasn't too freaked.

Last night I knew I wasn't going to get to sleep for a while, so I watched TV til pretty late. Around maybe two I tried to see if I could get to sleep. Dozed for a while, couldn't get completely to sleep... and then I thought I heard a noise upstairs (I was in the basement). First thought: someone breaking into the house. After a while, I heard the door to the stairs close in my mind. I knew I was just imagining it, but I started to panic. So I spent a good ten or fifteen minutes sitting absolutely still in the dark, staring at the door, convinced I could see/hear someone on the other side of it. I finally got a light on, and I was fine: the panic disappeared. Watched TV with the light on until morning.

Holy sh!t. The insomnia I expected, but the paranoia totally blindsided me. I've been exhausted today, but no WD symptoms, which scares me more than it comforts me. No tremors, sweats, fog, nothing. Given how vehement my shrink was that I NOT detox outside a hospital... that doesn't seem normal.

CarolD

Wel...
Sounds as tho it was an unhappy night.

When did you have your last drink?
You might want to talk to your shrink tomorrow.

Blessings

tellus

It was scary, but really, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. I mean, I was fine today, just tired.

I had a drink tonight when I got home, to be honest. Before that, probably around 11PM on Sunday. My shrink just looked so shocked when I mentioned trying a night cold-turkey outside a hospital, I've been terrified I'm going to have a seizure and die or something.

Trust me, I plan on calling the shrink first thing tomorrow morning. I can't do hospitalized detox until mid-January, I want to talk about trying it on my own before then.

CarolD

I am very glad you plan to speak with him.
Wise move.

Praers for your healing and health.

Sugah

This is not medical advice, by any means -- but perhaps your doctor was advising against a cold-turkey detox as a precaution. Yes, alcohol detox can be dangerous, though not always. Are you drinking at work? When you get up in the morning? If not, you're going without alcohol in your body for stretches every day, and if you're doing that without withdrawals....perhaps you're not physically dependent?

Advising that you have medical detox is, I'm sure, procedure if you've admitted to excessive, daily drinking. That doesn't mean that you're going to go through horrible withdrawal. It's good to know, isn't it, that you made it through a night without a drink, however accidental?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

tellus

Sugah: No, never at work or in the mornings. By mid-afternoon my hands are usually pretty shaky and it's harder to find that word on the tip of my tongue. I'm definitely physically dependent, my shrink advised against cold-turkey detoxing specifically because she felt I was exhibiting too many withdrawal symptoms on a daily basis.

Today I felt... normal. It does feel good, I guess, but it's causing me more stress than relief.