tellus

Does that make sense? I want to be well, but I think somewhere in my head I don't want to quit drinking. I know I can't do this unless I really, truly want to, so this scares me.

The fact that I need to go into a program and quit has been becoming more and more unavoidable. Logically, I know that I cannot continue like this, but I'm having trouble facing reality. I know a lot of this is due to my depression (I isolate myself and ignore problems), and I know that my depression is made much worse by my drinking.

At the suggestion of my shrink, I've been trying to taper until I can get off work for detox. Last night I arranged things so I was busy until after the stores closed, so I couldn't buckle and go out to buy more booze. So I'm proud of that, sort of. But as a result I only got three or four hours of half-sleep, and I've had nothing to do but sit in my disgusting apartment and think. I suppose I could have gone out to buy trash bags so I could start cleaning, but my neighborhood isn't the safest and I don't like to go out at night. So I just sat in front of my TV and picked (I'm also dealing with compulsive skin picking) to try to keep my mind off things.

I'm sorry for being so long-winded. I'm frustrated right now because I know I can do this if I just commit myself to it. Is this common for people facing recovery?

stone

Tapering didnt work for me. It did work if it lasted a few days before stopping completely, but I couldnt taper down longer than that.

Tapering is 'control', as an alkie I dont have control over alcohol. It's ALL or nothing really.

I have depression too, most people have something that makes quitting harder for them than it would be otherwise.

The more I tried to quit, the worse my drinking got. That's also something I have heard from others experience.

I needed to be SICK of drinking, so sick that it hurt me more (physically, emotionally, mentally etc) to carry on than it did to quit.

tellus

It hasn't really worked for me either, Stone, but there's not a lot else I can do until the end of the month--I promised my boss I'd give him full-time through December.

I think I'm nearing that point. I used to be fairly eloquent, and pretty smart, now half the time I can't string a sentence together. It scares me how far down I've gotten and still wanted to drink.

stone

Hang in there tellus. :ghug3

CarolD

My long term depression is why I started AA recovery.
I did not try to taper
or go to a treatment center or de tox.

I did go to AA everyday and prayed often.

I do so hope you too will find the willingness.
You need not live the way you are
Recovery Rocks!

CarolD

O Yes....
get out of the house and get those big trash bags
You will feel better if you clean up your place.

barb dwyer

Tellus -

let that be your prayer for now - 'Please help me to WANT this."

maybe go watch that video that is on here someplace.

Tazman53

Tellus simply pray for the will to be willing to quit.

You say you have nothing to do? Why not go out and find a whole bunch of alcoholics who are helping each other not drink one day at a time?

I am sure in Madison it will be no trouble at all finding rooms full of people working on helping each other recover from alcoholism. Funny thing, these people are not miserable, they are not alone, they get together, they laugh, they kid around, they tell each other their problems and concerns and even more importantly they tell each other the solutions to those very problems and concerns that worked for them. They hug each other when that is needed, they give a wink when needed, a simple nod of understanding.

That is what I do and I have not found it neccessary to have a single drink in over 14 months.

barb dwyer

I know -

do what I did this weekend - bag up clothes that are in good shape but don't fit - and take 'em down to the SallyAnn! (what we call the salvation army here)

blankets
sheeets
dishes

whatever!

-or-

go buy a NEW toy and take it to a Marine ... uh ... Toys for tots thingy!

tellus

My knee-jerk reaction to your post, Taz: a long list of excuses. I don't, can't, pray. The one meeting I went to made me really uncomfortable. I work long hours and can't make it to a meeting. My doctor has told me it's not safe for me to detox outside of a hospital, and I can't do that until January. Et cetera, et cetera.

I hear what I'm saying and I know they're excuses. I know that what I'm really saying is "I'm not ready to change," and that knowledge scares the sh*t out of me. I know you guys can't change anything, *I* have to, so I don't know what I was looking for with this thread.

barb dwyer

'Sokay, hon.

************************{tellus}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'd love to see you find that laughing kid again.

Tazman53

Tellus you are reaching out for help and we are reaching back with a solution that worked for us, one does not need to be sober to go to an AA meeting.

One does not need to pray to God, simple prayer helps.

You say you are not ready for change..... I spent a lot of years not beiing ready to change and things only got worse!!! I kept thinking it can not get worse and it did every day I refused to begin to change myself. I sunk deeper and deeper into the abyss!!!

Deep down inside of you, you know what you are looking for, a solution to the pain, the self hatred, the anger, you want it all to stop! I know that because I have been right where you are at!

I was in that hole, I had a fellow alcoholic jump right in that hole with me! Why? Because he had known the pain I was in, he knew that lost feeling, but more importantly he loved me and he knew the way out of that hole and was willing to show me the way out if I would just take his hand and follow his lead.

tellus the hand is there.......... will you take it? Or do you wish to dig a little deeper? The only thing at the very bottom of that hole is death..... I saw it! The hole does not need to get deeper, all you have to do is stop digging.

savoy

What if you revised your idea of what prayer is, to me it has little to do with chanting hail mary's,

its just having a chat with something I can't fathom. Like talking to a freind.

Apparently it listens and hears because when I do what I'm required to do, it does something and that proves to me that it exists, but I'll never understand exactly what it is.

stone

I am an agnostic. I dont pray, but I do make an effort to see that I really don't have a lot of power over anything in this life and sometimes I just ask for help from 'anything out there'. Help to do the 'right thing'.

I was the biggest anti-AA person there was Tellus. I went and it HELPED!
Just go for the company and support of other alcoholics, and listen?

Tazman53

Not you Stone!!! LOL

mike_mass

I think you have gotten some good advice here. I myself just stopped from one day to the next. I wish you luck with the tapering off process. I think I have heard of it working for some, but the majority of sober people I know stopped from one day to the next.

jimhere

I understand your frustration. I could usually pull of what I intended to do, but not with quitting booze. It both baffled me and frustrated me.

I also understand the idea of managing drinking. Never worked for me, just made it worse and the frustration and anxiety worse.

Where do you live? Do you want some help? If you truly do want to stop for good, it is possible. You don't ever have to drink again.
Jim

p.s.-you can send me a pm (private message) if you wish

savoy

I was atheist .
A funny thing happened , I tried it and it worked.
The Big Book doesn't say anyone has to get religious or even believe in God, only be willing to believe in something more powerfull than I.

Maybe I wasn't a very good atheist, I was trying to prove the nonexistence of what I claimed didn't exist in the first place.

mike_mass

Yeah, I once heard it asked..."exactly which god is it you don't believe in...?"

savoy

After ranting on about the evils of God someone commented to me " its alright not to believe in God , I wouldn't believe in your God either".

It made me realize I held a concept of God, yes I was atheist, and I used that vengefull pissed off concept of God as an excuse to live in self will and defiance.

I was proud of intellectualism but I was intellectually disingenuous. Science was my religion and I played God.
Talk about a religion of 1.
It was a long, lonely dark cold road.
Even Neitzche hedged his bets. (see "parable of the madman")
Not me though.